It occurred to me last night that some people might read the things that I share here and get the impression that I am some type of super woman saint. That definately is not my purpose for writing out my thoughts in this type of format. Nor do I want this to be a format for pity parties so people will feel sorry for me. Mostly I write to help me remember what I have already learned and to keep my own perspective. If it helps others during their own difficult challenges, then my ramblings will have served a higher purpose.
Last night was one of those incredibly difficult evenings. Jeff has had a pattern of going into some type of almost trance type state every evening. I don't really know how to explain it except that his eyes are open, and he is talking, but not to me. Often times his conversations are heart wrenching pleas usually to God. The questions he asks over and over and over again are "what did I do wrong?" and "why won't you help me?"
Sometimes it is excruciating for me to listen to his cries because he cannot hear me, nor can I wake him out of his state. Last night, I couldn't take it any more and I finally escaped into my sanctuary of the jacuzzi. I have a monitor on that I can hear him when he is ready for me. I always know when that happens because he calls out my name and asks for my help. As I sat in the tub trying to block out his moans, I had a few pleas of my own.
Today we had many discussisons about those feelings of wondering where God is and why he isn't answering. There is a little boy part in Jeff that somehow sees God as a mean punishing God who is making him suffer because he was a naughty boy. That little boy thinks God is angry at him. There is another part of him that is pretty ticked off with God for putting him through all this. Mostly I just listened to my husband as he shared these feelings with me. Then we did some Emotional Freedom Technique www.emofree.com and helped release all the emotion that has been stored with these feelings. It is an amazing, wonderful tool that has made this whole situation so much easier. (You can find out more by going to emofree.com). Finally Jeff was able just to take responsibility for his own life and his own choices recognizing that he has indeed been the creator of his own life.
When he was able to accept that, his heart was open to the possibility that indeed God has been there all along and is helping us both . Our challenge is to see that help and acknowledge it in every part of our lives.
One way that I know God is helping me is something very simple but totally profound that happened very late last night. One thing that has been a pattern in our lives for most of our marriage is Jeff giving me blessings when I need extra strength or comfort. Last night I was so emotionally exhausted, when I crawled into bed, I just layed there and wept. When Jeff asked me why I was crying I told him I was just so tired. I asked him if he remembered giving me blessings in the past. He said "kind of" I told him how much I would love a blessing. He thought about it for a minute and then reached his good arm over to try and find my head. As he began, it was just a whisper, but then it was as if something else took over and as he spoke it was in a very strong, powerful, very adult voice. He blessed me with exactly the things I needed to hear. It was full of comfort and love and gratitude. I have received many blessings under the hand of my husband, but this was the sweetest ever because I could feel that he was just an instrument in the hands of my Father who wanted me to know that He knew me and was there to help me.
This morning when I made a comment about it to Jeff, he didn't remember anything about it except that I had been crying and then I stopped. He doesn't like it when I cry. But I have chosen not to hide my feelings from him. We need each other.
So what I am wondering is this. When in our anguish we cry out and ask "why won't you help me?" How do we know that he isn't? If we put paramaters on how that help is supposed to look, we might miss the bigger picture altogether. Just because there is no visible change in Jeff's condition, how do we know that there isn't major healing going on inside of him. Maybe before the physical healing can take place, the emotional and spiritual healing must happen first.
My suggestion to Jeff tonight was this. Rather than asking God why he isn't helping or where he is...maybe the better plea is "help me to recognize your help so that I can be grateful for it".
That is a good thing for me to remember too.
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