Clash of the Titans

This morning was a rather intense time for me emotionally. It really hadn't started out that way except I knew when I woke up that something big was coming to the surface. I just wastn' quite sure what it was. Then I began talking to my sisters, first on-line then on the telephone. It is interesting to me that often I don't even know what thoughts are rolling around in my brain until I start to verbalize what I am feeling.

Well the emotions came out in a torrent and I realized that the feelings I wrote about last night regarding stretching had been magnified as I slept and were ready to be vocalized. It all came about as a result of taking Jeff to the doctor yesterday. I had called the office on Monday, after Jeff had refused to take his meds again and they asked us to come in.

It was a horrendous experience for Jeff. It definately is not as easy for Jeff to make transfers as it was 3 weeks ago, so just getting in and out of the car was an ordeal. Then being in a place outside of what has become a very safe haven for him made him very anxious. Those at the clinic are very kind. They just want to support us through this challenge, but needed to find out what Jeff wanted. They began interrogating him and trying to have him tell them why he did not want to take the anti-retroviral drugs anymore. It was hard for Jeff to vocalize his reasons, he only told them that for now, he was not going to do it anymore. The doctor tried to explain to Jeff that if he quits the drugs there would be many complications if he tried to start them again down the road. Jeff politely declined again.

Now for this doctor and the staff, in their experience there is only one reason a person with AIDS would refuse to take the drugs, it is because they have decided to die. So they asked the question is it more important for you to get strong or to be comfortable? Meaning, as you die how comfortable do you want to be? I'm not sure how much Jeff really comprehended what they were discussing in veiled terms, but he began to get more and more agitated. When another doctor came in to see if he could clarify what the others all thought they heard, Jeff had had enough. We brought him home.

The effects of that experience lasted throughout the day and led me to write what I did last night about stretching. You see I feel like I am being torn between 2 diametrically opposing belief systems. One that says the only reason Jeff has AIDS and PML is due to a lack of taking drugs and the only thing keeping him alive right now are chemicals and without them he will die.
The other belief is that Jeff's body became vulnerable to attack because of very big kinks in his energy flow and many layers of old emotions: pain, hurt, guilt, and shame that are giving his body an experience of dis-ease. Once those emotions and blocks are removed, his body's built in system for healing will kick in and he will have a full recovery.

I have seen so many miracles in the last year as I have learned about and participated in energy work that I honestly believe that this ancient philosophy holds many answers that are overlooked in western medicine. I also have great faith in the power of the Lord Jesus Christ. When he was on the earth, he was known as a man of miraculous healings. He gave sight to the blind, the lame walked, those with serious, incurable diseases were freed from their bondage. But more than this, often times rather than just do the obvious outward healing, he did the more important task and forgave them. As he did, their physical healing also took place. Before he ascended back to the Father, he told his apostles that all he did, they could do and even more. And they did. Why should it be any different today? Do we not need miracles today? Isn't the power of the Savior still available? If a person can just have the faith to symbolically touch the hem of his garments today, can they not be healed?

As I write this a part of me shouts out "YES!!!" then another voice comes in right behind it sewing seeds of doubt, shouting, but AIDS is incurable, he will die if he doesn't take his meds and you will too. Force Him, Coerce Him, Do anything to Make him do it. Whose voice is that? It is a voice of fear and misery. I do not want to listen to that voice even if it sometimes seems to completely overpower me.

But then I look at Jeff. It is true that his body has lost strength and things are much more difficult now then they were a few weeks ago. But his eyes are bright and focused. In fact tonight he told me that he knows the lesions are healing because he can tell it in his sight. He has had some very incredibly healing experiences and has let go of so many destructive emotions that have been held captive in his body. He continues to heal emotionally and spiritually and he has told me he wants to live. I believe that his body will follow his desires.
It was interesting trying to force the issue. It was as if his body refused the meds because Jeff clamped his teeth shut so hard that nothing Charla or I could do would open his mouth. On the other hand, in the mornings when I give him his purple smoothy full of antioxidants and brain food it he inhales it and then wants more. It is as if his body knows what it needs because Jeff is not really aware of any of those things right now. When I bring him his other meals, he devours them. He is also drinking water continuously on his own now. I don't have to even remind him.

So what does this mean?

I DON'T KNOW. I know what I want to believe, but it is hard for me to even write this down publicly, because what if he dies anyway? Will people think I am just a fool? Will they dismiss any of the other energy work and complementary modalities that I have come to appreciate so much? Well to be honest, what other people think of me is none of my business and I am dedicated to just telling the truth here. Time will tell. There will come a point where there will be a final conclusion. I do know that if Jeff is meant to die, he will do so in a very peaceful calm way because he is totally prepared to greet the Lord. So none of this will have been in vain.

My sister asked me today what would be the worst case scenario. My answer was that Jeff would die, and I would remain the same. For me this clash of the titans really has nothing to do with Jeff at all, it has everything to do with my own faith and trust in a God and his universe that is far more powerful than anything man can even conceive. My wise older sibling also suggested one of the reasons this whole stretching thing is so uncomfortable is because I keep resisting it. In yoga, you just have to keep breathing and allow yourself to flow into the stretch. Resisting is where the pain comes. She also helped me understand that as faith increases, the doubt decreases. I'm not quite there yet, but if this whole experience helps me to stretch my belief and expand my faith so that all doubt will evaporate, I will be eternally grateful to Jeff for his part in teaching me. Oh, wait, I already am eternally grateful for him. That is one thing there will never be an internal clash about.

Chris