There are so many signs that Jeff is getting stronger. His voice is much stronger, he has much more energy than he has had in the past few weeks, he definately has a lot of strength on his left side...and his willpower is getting stronger too.
Let me explain what I mean by that. Ever since Jeff got sick and lost his eyesight and his ability to move freely, he has been very compliant and sweet natured about letting me help him. He has willingly submitted like a child to anything I asked him to do. Until today.
He woke up this morning and flat out told me he was going to be in a bad mood. All day he was defiant. He refused to drink his energy drink. He refused to take his morning supplements. He refused to eat food he did not like and he refused to let me even take him to the bathroom.
I cannot tell you how frustrating this was for me. I had made plans to go and visit my sisters this afernoon, but Jeff was absolutely insistent on playing a game that would keep me here. It was especially unnerving when he fought me as I was trying to move him from the bed where he had been napping just to his wheelchair. He pushed me away and very forcefully told me "NO!!" I felt like I was dealing with a very stubborn 2 year old.
Tonight as I prepared to begin the evening rituals, he once again refused to allow me to help him. I took him in the bathroom and told him what the rules were. I would take him and put him in bed after he let me help him sit on the toilet. He adamantly refused. This was not a game I was willing to play. So I told him when he was ready to let me know.
To make a very long story short, he ended up scooting out of his wheelchair and laying on the bathroom floor for over an hour. He refused to let me help him get up and I could not do it without his help. My children were both out for the evening, so I had to call them home to help out. Jeff was pretty determined just to sleep on the bathroom floor rather than have us help him. But between the 3 of us, we got him up and into bed.
I'm not sure how I can properly explain my frustration at this turn of events. I tried to just meet him at his level and make it a game with choices and fun. That did not work. I tried listening to his needs. He didn't know what those were except that he knew what he did not want. I could not help him get what he really wanted because neither one of us knew what that was.
I'm sure there are lessons in this for me tonight. I am trying hard to be positive and to set the intention that tomorrow he will be more reasonable. It is in his best interest to be cooperative rather than stubborn. Even though he seems to understand much more, he really doesn't have full capacity to be making decisions that have such big consequences. But I cannot force him to do something he isn't willing to do on his own.
As I was contemplating this tonight it gave me new insight into agency. When we choose to just be flat out stubborn and refuse to ask for and receive help from higher realms, aren't we being much like my husband who chose to lay on the cold bathroom floor just because he was being stubborn. It did not get him what he wanted or what was in his best good. It only made him more frustrated and miserable. And it left those of us who care about him very confused as to how to best be of assitance.
How often is that a pattern that is repeated in our lives? We know some behavior or attitude is not in our best interest. We know that by continuing we will probably make others frustrated and not really get us what we really want, yet out of sheer stubborness, we refuse to change or ask for help that is readily available.
I remember years ago hearing that stubbornness and determination are flip sides to the same coin. The difference is that determination works in your favor. It is an awesome quality that we all would do well to develop. On the other hand, stubborness is detrimental to both the individual and to those who care about and are trying to help.
For Jeff, I am giving him the benefit of the doubt and recognizing that his spirit is so strong that it is trying to make a stand. Somehow I need to honor that while still keeping him safe and providing for his needs. He is sleeping soundly now. Tomorrow will be a new day. Perhaps this little phase will have passed and he will once again recognize that it is in his best interest to cooperate and use his fierce determination in a way that will help him continue to heal.
If not, well, we will figure things out as best we can.
I am absolutely determined to make the best of each day and to press forward in my own learning and in loving and honoring my husband.
Chris
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