Last night after I posted my blog, I went in and lay down next to my husband. There were many feelings running rampant throughout my heart. Mostly I was projecting my own feelings on to what it must be like to lose your lifelong companion and I did as I had posted in the blog. I wept with the Swain family.
And as I did, it was as if my tears opened up other areas of my emotions that had not been expressed and the grief for my friend merged with other losses until I was awash in a river of pain. I felt the loss of my daughter, I felt the loss of my husband as he was, I felt the loss of the life we once knew and the dreams that have been put on hold. Jeff recognized something big was going on with me and he did the only thing he knew how. He held my hand. He tried to comprehend what was causing my pain, but it only confused him and made him very restless.
Long after my tears subsided, he tossed and turned. He kept reaching out for me and pleading with me not to leave him. It was a long, sleepless night. When I got up this morning, I was still exhausted which only accentuated the feelings I have been having for the last few days. Jeff knew something was still up when I was so quiet at breakfast. The tears were just still so close to the surface that I just didn't feel like talking.
I really needed my husband, but the husband I once had is not available to me in the manner I had become accustomed and to be honest, it made me angry. I realized that part of what I was going through was exactly what I had posted last night. I was grieving. Anger is a part of that process. I wasn't angry at Jeff. Mostly the anger was about being in a situation I feel so little control over and get so lost sometimes as to know what to do. I decided that for today, it was perfectly fine to honor the grief.
Poor Jeff didn't know what to do. So I just crawled up on his lap and let him hold me as I cried and cried and cried. And like the Savior, Jeff wept with me. It didn't change our circumstances or give us any answers. But it did relieve some of the pressure that has been building up inside of me and I felt totally connected to that part of my husband that is still completely whole. It was what I needed.
I finished my grieving process by taking a long jacuzzi and letting that water wash away the remaining tears. I then allowed myself to receive the peace that is available just for the asking. When I came back to where Jeff was, I could hear him saying over and over again. "I want Chris back". I assured him I was back and I was going to be just fine. He was so relieved. He told me he does not like it when I cry, but that he doesn't want me to pretend or to hide my feelings.
The miracle of today is that we can get through even these kinds of days and still find joy. It is a choice. For me, it is important to honor whatever feelings may arise. For Jeff, he is learning new things every day about staying in touch with his own feelings and trying to express them. The words do not come easily to him, but then again...they never did, but oh he does try.
I can tell that healing is taking place because he has so much more energy. In fact, he didn't take a nap at all today. He also no longer just whispers. He still does not carry on full conversations like he has in the past, but he is using his adult voice again. As far as I am concerned that is major progress and a miracle in my book.
It was a good day.
Chris
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