This morning I got one of those phone calls no one ever wants to receive. It was the news that a dear friend of mine had passed away. She was a relatively young woman, in fact she is just a year younger than me. She was a mother of 5 awesome children and just recently became a brand new grandma.
Death has a way of brining up emotion. When our daughter passed away 2 years ago, I realized that when a child dies, no matter how old that child is, parents everywhere grieve and try to project their own feelings of what it would be like to have that kind of loss. Out of their own grief and genuine kindness, people truly want to do something to help, but most often don't know what to do, or what to say.
Over the last couple of years by default, I have become kind of an expert in teaching others how to truly be helpful when someone they care about is grieving. This is not really the thrust of this particular blogsite, but I think it might be appropriate to share with you some of what I have learned.
First of all, it is important to know that when a loss occurs, true emotional support needs to be recognized as sacred territory and is by invitation only. If you would like to be that kind of support for someone, just let them know you are available and safe to talk to when they are ready and let them come to you. Other acts of genuine kindness will be appreciated such as a phone call or a card on tough days like birthdays or anniversaries just to acknowledge that you are remembering them and are still available.
Second, comforting words aren’t. Most of the time the platitudes people say to assuage their own pain, fear, frustration, or anger can actually cause more harm than good. Things like “oh, they are in a better place” or “they are in God’s hands now” or “they are finally out of pain” minimize the need to grieve the loss. True compassion needs no words.
The very best example I give people of how important it is to allow ourselves to feel the pain of the loss comes from the example that Jesus Christ taught us. When his dear friend Lazarus died, Jesus was not there. In fact, Mary and Martha were upset with him because they felt like if had only come sooner, their brother might not have died. Jesus listened to them in their sorrow. Because of who He was, He probably knew that within a few precious moments the women’s deep grief would be turned to absolute, unbelievable joy. But because one of the reasons Christ came to the earth was to bear not only our sins, but also our sorrows and our pain…He, who had divine parentage, allowed his total human side to feel and he did what was most important for that present moment. Jesus wept. He did not try to comfort the sisters by words. He did not tell them that everything was going to be ok. Instead he felt their pain with them. And in his weeping, he honored their need to grieve. It is a part of our mortal experience and we need to let it be ok for ourselves and for others.
However, one of the most important lessons I have learned is that each person needs to be allowed to grieve in their own way and in their own time frame. Many families fall apart at the death of a member because somehow there are assumptions made about what grieving should like like and tension gets built up if those expectations are not met by other members of the family. There are different stages of grief, but there are no set timelines on when and how to go through those stages. It is not a linear happening. Each person's experience will be unique. It cannot be forced or rushed. Just understanding that will help you understand and support someone better.
Grieving is a very private experience, however when someone who is going through that process, a great gift you can give them is just listening ears. One of the sweetest experiences I had shortly after Emily died was when my mother-in-law and sister-in-law came just to sit with us. They wanted to know more about Emily and were not afraid to ask questions about who she was. Of course there was some pain in doing that, but mostly it was just sweet to talk about her to people I felt really cared.
Time does heal, but for most people it isn't until about 2 years that there truly comes any sense of peace. For some it might come earlier and easier or in segments. For others it might take much longer to get to the point where peace can replace the pain of the loss. Usually in those cases there are much deeper issues going back many years that need to be healed in order for peace to come. Even then there will be those moments that I call "knife in the heart" times when a fleeting glace of someone, or a voice, or a song will bring back the pain of the loss all over again. But those times are fewer and farther in between now. And it isn't a dagger anymore, more like a butter knife.
Hugs and a genuine "I care" are the most valuable gifts you can give a person who is grieving. When the timing is appropriate the sharing of memories can be a very valuable key to getting to the place of peace.
I believe when it comes right down to it, and it is my turn to pass through the veil to that new life, I think that if there is any kind of an interview it will not be about the sins I committed or the things I left undone. I believe I will be asked how I learned to love and what relationships I had that influenced in my life. My friend, Connie was one of those that was an awesome influence for me and made a difference.
When I told Jeff the news, he very quietly said, "Connie is ok now". I thought perhaps he had not understood what I had told him, so I rephrased it. He let me know he did understand what I had told him, but repeated, "she is ok now."
I think he is probably right, but tonight I weep with the Swain family at the loss of the wife, mother, friend. It helps me keep the perspective of how fragile life really is. So I will once again try to honor each and every day in a way that makes a difference to someone else.
The memories I have of Connie will truly be treasured. I am grateful that for a brief time on this planet, our paths crossed,
I believe there will come a day of reunion and rejoicing, but for now, it is ok to weep.
Chris
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