Last night as I was beginning to put my daily thoughts into this blog format, I had many things I was contemplating from the events of the day. But mostly I was a bit distracted by the sounds coming from the other room.
I don't know how else to say it except that Jeff had been acting rather strange, which means it was different from what we have become accustomed to. Throughout the evening he had been very insistent on my spending my time exclusively involved with him. I will be honest, I resented his demands somewhat because I had things I wanted to get done which were outside of the scope of his needs.
Finally, I decided it was bedtime so I helped him brush his teeth, gave him his meds, including his new antibiotic and I just put him in bed hoping he would just go to sleep and I could write down my thoughts and feelings.
But he didn't go to sleep. He was just extremely restless, throwing off all the covers, playing with the blinds, and making a lot of noise. I was not listening with my heart. I was just getting annoyed with him because every time I went and checked on him, I felt like my time was being intruded upon and I was feeling more and more resentful and annoyed.
As I finally began writing, the words just wouldn't come. It was a bit frustrating for me because that has never been the case before. Usually it is a matter of having way too much too say and wanting to keep things short and simple.
Then the noises changed and I could hear my husband gagging. All selfish thoughts of annoyance fled as I ran to be of assistance to him. It was a very frightening, humbling experience for me. Weeks ago I willingingly took on the responsibility in caring for the needs of another human being. But in the moment I saw him choking on his own vomit, a bigger picture opened up to me and I recognized that his very life is in my hands and I felt inadequately prepared.
I quickly asked my angels to come to my assistance because I knew that I needed strength far beyond my own capacity. They came to my aid and not only strengthened me, but also illuminated my mind as well.
I realized that all evening Jeff had been trying to communicate to me that something was not quite right, but I had been too caught up in my own world, my wants, and my needs to listen with my heart to his needs. I recognized that the new antibiotics he has been put on have had some major side effects and giving them to him one more time was more than his system could handle.
Luckily he is very forgiving of me and only loves me more for my efforts. It was about 3:00 in the morning before I was able to get everything cleaned up and his stomach started to feel better so he was able to calm down and relax and finally go to sleep.
By this time, all thoughts of writing the blog were long gone. It wasn't until someone called me at 10:30 this morning to see if I was ok that I realized I never finished what I had started. My friend told me that reading the blog has become part of her morning ritual and when there wasn't anything posted she was concerned.
I appreciate how many people truly care about what goes on within the 4 walls of our little domain here and somehow find my ramblings helpful in facing their own challenges. I do not have answers for anyone, especially myself. I can only lead people in a direction where perhaps they can start to ask the right questions. I absolutely believe in the promise that those who seek find. But it takes learning to listen with the heart and expecting answers to come in unexpected and sometimes very unusual ways.
For me the answers I got last night during a very difficult time answered my concerns from the night before. We are not losing Jeff's left side. It is still strong and vital. However I need to be much more aware of subtle things that might be happening in his body. I need to listen more to the guidance system I have in place and let go of those things that block it's signals.
It is a learning time for me. I am grateful for each opportunity I have to recognize my dependance on a source that has far greater strength and power than I could possibly have on my own. Sometimes individual moments are more challenging that others, but I find I do get through each moment and then the next and the next.
I know that these challenges will not be with me forever. Things will ultimately come to some kind of conclusion. When Emily died, our bishop came over to comfort us. At that time I shared with him my philosophy in life. I told him that I knew that at some point in the future I would look back on the very difficult challenges we were facing at the time and I would be able to see the hand of the Lord strengthening us, giving us courage, bringing wonderful people and angels into our lives. My choice at that time was to see those things in the present moment and not just wait for retrospect.
This is my choice now. I know there will come a time when I look back on nights like last night and be so grateful that those times are in the past. I know I will be able to feel gratitude for acquired strength, for divine interventions, and for guidance. I would rather not wait to look back, I choose to see it now and be grateful each day for the awesome miracles that are taking place not just in Jeff's body, but in my heart.
I am learning to listen.
Chris
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