Letting Go

As I look back at the posts I have written and the internal struggles I have had over the past few days, I realize that I have been reverting back to a very old familiar pattern of trying to control the outcome.

Years ago when Jeff was very involved in a destructive addiction, I got totally caught up in trying to save him. I used every means of manipulation and coercion I could think of to try to make him "shape up". I thought I knew all the answers and what was best for him. I ended up nearly driving myself insane by trying to control him so I started to go to a councelor. After listening to my story, he told me 2 things. One is that it appeared I was suffering from what was labeled as co-dependancy, which was just as destructive to me emotionally as were the things Jeff was doing to himself. He also tried to help me understand that as long as I tried to control everything, I was getting in God's way of being able to truly help my husband in the way that would help him the most. He suggested I read Melody Beatty's book Codependant No More.

Here is how I wrote about it in my book back in 1996:

I had a marvelous experience a couple of days ago. I found my very worn copy of “Codependent No More.” I don't think I have touched it for about 2 years. That the book had been” abused was obvious. In the initial reading, I threw it across the room more than once. At times the words hit me with such a force of truth that it tore open tender, unhealed wounds, and many places had wrinkled marks where my tears left a permanent record of what I was feeling at the time. Almost every page was full of angry markings that reflected how out of control I had become in my efforts to keep my husband under control, and how much I despised the person I had allowed myself to become. I deplored the message that it was telling me because it so clearly defined the responsibility that I had to take, not only in creating my fear-driven, self-defeating behaviors, but also in the responsibility I had in my own recovery. It made me finally understand that I alone am responsible for my happiness and can’t blame anyone else if I choose to be otherwise. And though I despised what I was reading, I devoured it, for somewhere in the words, there was hope that my life didn't have to be this way.
Now just a short two years later as I lovingly caressed the worn pages, once again, tears streamed down my face. I had found the answers I needed so that I can be the kind of person I am today. Not a perfect person, but a peaceful person.
The process has not been easy. I had to learn whole new ways of taking care of myself, which was the key. I completely redefined who I was as a wife, as a mother, as a daughter of my own parents, as a daughter of God. The new definition I came up with is based on the fact that I have value in just being who I am. I do not need to perform, or prove myself to anyone. I am good enough! When I was able to see myself like that, it was so much easier to see my husband in the same light, and my children, and the people around me, and total strangers that I have never met, but feel so bonded to by the things we share electronically.
Even as I write this, the tears keep falling. I agree completely with Valerie who wrote in her post that it is a day of miracles and they do still happen. When I look in the mirror, I see the reflection of who I once was, and who I now am. And more importantly I see the person I am still becoming (which is really who I was in the very beginning).
Funny thing about my husband's recovery, it didn't really even begin until I let go and gave him back the responsibility of his own life. He was a lot stronger than I ever imagined. When I got out of God's way miracles began to happen there too.

So now here we are in a situation where I would do anything to be able to control the outcome, but it absolutely is not in my power. That has been a big source of my own agitation the last couple of days. But today I made a new choice. I chose to surrender (again) and to allow the Lord to decide the outcome of this whole situation. I can't explain the peace that entered my heart as I let go of the last vestiges of wanting things done MY way.

I am not giving up on the hope that Jeff can be a miracle and have a full and complete recovery. But if not, well, that will be ok too because I really am not the one in charge here. So for tonight, at least I am very much at peace no matter what the final outcome might be.

I have a favorite saying that I adopted by Melody Beatty. "I still have bad days sometimes, but that's ok...I used to have bad years." This is so true of my life. So right now we have a few bad days. In the whole scheme of things, a few bad days here and there aren't going to swing things one way or the other.

I decided to let go and truly give my life and my husband's life to the Lord. I will cheerfully do all things that are honestly in my power, but then I will stand still , with utmost assurance see the salvation of God and let his arm be revealed. (D &C 123:17)

It is awesome to feel this kind of peace. I still don't have any clue how the outcome of this will be. I only know that whatever it is, it will be perfect.

Chris