Meekness

It was such a relief around 4:00 this morning to find my husband awake and open to conversation. Not that I like being awake that early in the morning, but since Jeff seemed to be very alert, we discussed what happened last night.

He remembered most of it, especially laying on the bathroom floor and being very, very angry with me. But he had forgiven me and was ready to listen to my concerns. I was direct with him bout the fact that if he continues to fight me in a way that makes it unsafe for either or both of us, then I will no longer be able to care for him here at home. It is not what either one of us wants. My children have been so incredibly supportive of us and have helped out as much as they are able to. But I honestly told him it would not be in any of our best interest to have a repeat of last night.

I think he understood because this morning when we got up, he was very meek. He let me take him in to the bathroom and was very polite to me all day long. I think he felt a little bad for his misbehavior, but I told him that he needs to be able to express his feelings of anger. It just has to be done in a safe way.

The entire day he was very, very quiet. He told me he was just thinking a lot. He was cooperative both with the Home Health Nurse and the Physical Therapist that came to help. There definately has been a little more deterioration in his ability to know where he is in time and space. This has been something he has dealt with all along, but the last few days it seems he has less awareness which is probably why going to the bathroom has been so hard for him. For some reason it has just felt very unsafe for him.

This does lead to some new and interesting challenges for us, but not any that are unexpected. I am just trying to honor his feelings and give him many, many choices. I refuse to fight him. The only time he showed any resistance today was in taking his meds. He only has one pill he takes at night now, but it is a very large pill that must taste terrible.

He adamantly refused to put it in his mouth. I called in reinforcements and Charla came in to see if she could help. Usually her playfulness will help to lift his mood and she can usually get him to do what he needs to do. It didn't work tonight. There have been times in the past I would just not let this be a big deal and we would skip the meds. But right now, these meds are a lifeline for him so there is no choice. We finally had to take some pretty drastic action and plug his nose. He was not happy with us, but he did swallow that one pill. It was a very difficult thing for both Charla and I to do because the look of terror that came on his face when we forced the issue. It took him a long time to even talk to me afterwards. I am open to any feedback on ways to get him to take his meds.

For now that is the report. For the most part, it really was a good day today. We still face some major obstacles, but we are not alone. I too am trying to be meek and humble. I have decided to just let this be easy. At any given moment it is. It is only looking at the long term uncertainties that it gets overwhelming. So even though I don't avoid thinking of future possibilities, I do not dwell on all the things I do not have control over. It is much easier this way.

I have a very favorite card that I have sent out to people who are facing difficult situations. It is a picture of a lamb that is in an obviously difficult situation, holding on for dear life. The caption says "The last thing you need is someone else to tell you to hang in there". When you open the card, the same lamb is still holding on, but what he is holding on to are great big fingers and he is swinging upward going "whee!!" The caption says. "I just want to remind you who it is you are holding on to"

This is what I need reminders of every day. The good days as well as the not so good ones. It helps me stay meek and in remembrance of whose hands I am in. For this moment, that is good enough.

Chris