This morning when we woke up, I knew something was different with Jeff. He was not restless like he has been in the past. He was very calm as I was changing him, which has not been our experience for the last week. There was just a sense of peace about him that was incredibly sweet to me.
For weeks now Jeff has been trying to decide whether to stay in his body and and allow himself to get well, or to let it be ok to go home. It has been a tough decision. I think there has been a part of him that really doesn't want to leave me, the kids, or his family. There has also been a part of him that has been a reluctant to greet his Savior. Those of you who have associated with Jeff personally know how sweet and kind he is, you have felt of his love for others and his love of Jesus Christ. But in his deepest core, Jeff has had a very difficult time accepting himself as good enough and he hates the idea of disappointing anyone due to his weaknesses. He does not see himself as the hero that we all do.
We have had long discussions about Jesus Christ. Logically and consciously he knows that the Savior's grace covered his sins and he was forgiven long ago. But for some reason Jeff was still hanging on to a deep belief that he has been a disappointment to his family, to his children, to me, and mostly to God because he made some mistakes while he was on this earth.
I am grateful for EFT (emotional freedom technique) that helped those deep core issues surface so that Jeff could see them for what the lies they have been and then release them. It helped him make a decision that it really will be ok for him to move forward to the next phase of his existence. I support that decision completely. If he had chosen to get well, I have no doubt that the way would have been opened for that to happen as well. But I believe in agency and will only honor what he wants. To be honest, it is a relief for him to have finally decided.
I don't know how long this process will take. I hope that those who read this blog will stay with us as we move through this phase. Last year we shared an experience as Jeff's father passed away that was one of the most sacred events of my life. It made me welcome another opportunity to walk with someone as they journey towards the other side.
One thing Jeff told me today that was interesting is that he can see more clearly. When I checked it out, he had no visual response to anything I put in front of his face, but what seems to be happening is that his spiritual eyes are opening.
He is feeling the veil getting thinner and he is very aware of the presence of other spirits, both dark ones as well as angels of light. The angels have been teaching him. He does not share with me what they have been teaching, only that they are there and he is listening and learning. I made him promise me that he would tell me if Emily comes to visit. He told me he has not seen her yet.
I think something that surprises me is how calmly I am writing this. I have such a sense of peace. I have made a decision to live only in the present moment and not get caught up in fear of the future or the pain of the past. Even when I am in a healing mode, I bring that pain of the past to the present moment so that I can release it and let it go. For me, it is a better way to live.
Do I believe in miracles? Absolutely. When I look at my husband tonight and feel the peace surrounding him, I know that miracles have taken place. When my children give their father their blessing to move forward, I see miracles. When I can write these things and feel totally at peace, I know that there has been a miracle given to me of strength and comfort. I acknowledge the hand of the Lord in all things.
The next little while should be interesting. When the hospice nurse came to do Jeff's intake today, she left a little booklet on the death process itself. So far Jeff is not exhibiting any of the signs of imenent death, but that could change quickly. I think it is important to him to be here when our oldest son comes in a few weeks. He promised me he would hold on until then.
But for now, our home is filled with light and peace. I am grateful for the gift of agency. At any given moment, I can choose how to feel and what to do with those emotions. Today Jeff made a conscious choice to let it be ok to die. I made a choice to live my life to the fullest. I might have to remember over and over and over again that it is truly my choice. But that's ok, it's what our personal agency is all about.
Thank you to all who are reading this blog and sharing it with others. If anyone who reads this is able to find peace in spite of difficult challenges, Jeff's life and death will not have been in vain. Right now we are both choosing to live each day in joy. It is an awesome journey.
Chris
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