Lately I have been thinking a lot about birth and death. There are so many parallels. When I was pregnant with each of my children, there was anticipation and wonder as I felt life stir within me. Preparations were made for each new spirit to come and join our family. There was also a little bit of apprehension because even though there were specific signs I had been taught to look for, I wasn't sure exactly what to expect or when the birth process itself would start. I chose to have each child naturally because I felt that would be the most beneficial way for my children to be enter this physical realm. Each birth was very similar in many ways, but totally unique in others. Each birth was an absolute miracle as the veil was parted for a few moments and heaven touched earth as the spirit and body joined together separated from the womb. With Emily's birth in particular I felt a tremendous outpouring of peace as her body separated from mine. It was if the entire room was engulfed with the tangible sweetness of her spirit and all who were present felt it.
When the time came to take each new baby home, it was joyful, and a little fearful because each new little person was completely dependant on us for their needs. It also required a lot of dedicated time. Most often I found total joy in feeding, bathing, changing diapers, and in cuddling, calming, and connecting with their sweet little spirits. Their way of communicating was limited at first, so I had to learn to interpret their cries to know what their needs were. I always felt that if their mouths were opened, they could tell me a lot about where they had just come from. I also felt like even though their little bodies and brains were not quite developed, there was a full grown spirit that understood everything that was going on. I also wondered who they were smiling at sometimes because as infants they seemed to sense the presence of others who were unseen to my physical eyes.
I lost a lot of sleep in helping each new baby make the transition from the safe environment they were so comfortable in to a new and unfamiliar way of life. Often, it was hard work and sometimes I just longed for uninterupted sleep. But always the needs of my babies came first and I saw it as a labor of love. I knew they depended on me, not just for their physical needs, but also for the connection that bonded them to the earth.
And now I am helping someone I love reverse the order. I am helping him break the connection that bonds him to the earth. His needs come first right now. Sometimes I long for uniterupted sleep, but it is always a labor of love. One I do not mind. It is important to me that I help Jeff make the transition from this safe, familiar environment to move toward one that is even more familiar to his spirit. His communication right now is limited and I continue to try to be an interpreter so that I can know what his needs are. His brain has been damaged, but he has a fully functioning spirit that knows exactly what is going on. And I believe that if his mouth were fully opened, he could tell me a lot more about where he is going. Often times I wonder who he is talking to because I know that he can see the presence of others I cannot see with my visible eyes. I find joy in feeding, bathing, changing, calming, cuddling, and communicating with his spirit. Right now, he is completely dependant on others to meet his needs. For me it is an honor to assist in this transitional phase.
We are in the process of making preparations for Jeff to leave our family. There is much anticipation and a little bit of apprehension because we do not know exactly what to expect. There are many similarities with death, but each experience is unique.We know that there are specific signs to watch for as the death process begins, but we do not know exactly when that will be. We know that for a few moments the veil will part as Jeff's spirit and body separate and it will be a miracle. I pray that there will be a tremendous tangible outpouring of peace as he is welcomed back to that home from whence he came and even more miracles of healing and comfort for those of us who are left behind grieve his loss.
When it comes right down to it those times of transition when the veil is very thin is what helps our spirits remember our heavenly home and we connect with a deeper purpose inside. It makes us long to have answers to the most primal of questions about life itself. What a wonderful opportunity it is to share this with someone who is experiencing it first hand. People who come into our home do not find it is a place of somber sadness, it is sacred territory where the veil is thin and they leave feeling rejuvenated and more full of hope than when they came. It isn't because the circumstance aren't sad, because they are. It isn't because we put on some kind of cheery pretense in an effort to avoid reality as you know by yesterday's post. It is because right now Jeff is living proof of the truth of a plan of happiness.
He hasn't answered all my questions yet. Mostly when he is lucid and I start grilling him, he just says, "why do you want to know?" But tonight he told me he could see me because I glowed. That was very sweet. He was also able to tell me of his feelings about the Savior. That was even sweeter. I find when he is restless, the thing he wants the most if for me to read him the stories of Jesus and to play children's music of the Savior. That always has a very calming effect on him.
One last ramble. I was very grateful for the hospice aid who came out and helped today. She shaved Jeff, something that I gave up doing a couple of weeks ago. So tonight he actually looks like my husband, and not some stranger occupying this hospital bed. I am grateful for hospice. To me they are the equivalent of midwives. Both are trained to make the transition from one realm to the other safe, natural, and as loving and peaceful as possible without all the machines and noises, and sounds of the hospital. I like that. Birth and Death are only bookends to mortality. It's nice to know that's not all there is.
Chris
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