Rays of Sunshine

It was a dark, cold, blustery day in Boise. But inside the walls of our home there were rays of sunshine. About 7:00 this morning Jeff woke up with a very calm and sweet demeanor. When I asked him how he was doing he said he was good. I told him it was good to have him back. He told me it was good to be back. Then he went back to sleep for awhile. I rejoiced and I said many thank you's.

Later on when he woke up I got him out of bed and in to the shower. Well kind of. He really is not as stable as he once was, so transfering him to the shower seat did not make him feel safe. So I just took the shower head and washed him right there in his wheel chair. It made quite the mess on the bathroom floor. But it wasn't anything that couldn't be cleaned up and at least my husband was clean.

He then drank 2 glasses of smoothy and ate scrambled eggs for breakfast. All day he was ravenous. We finally just put finger foods by the side of his chair and just let him eat. He ate grapes and chicken and dried cherries and avacado. I think he really liked having a little more control over his food and it gave him something to do. I also put a water bottle within his reach and he drank the whole thing.

A little while ago I asked him if he had made a new decision. He said he had decided that maybe it's not ok for him to make an arbitrary premature decision about death right now and has decided to continue to allow himself to heal. I wept with joy. He just kept saying you're welcome, you're welcome.

I also had an apology to make to him. I apologized for my behavior the other night when I just judged him as being stubborn and defiant. The truth was, I was being a bit selfish. I didn't want to have to clean him up so I was insistent on him using the toilet, even though for him at this point, it is not something he has control over. It was my frustration that led to him ending up on the floor, not just his defiance and stubborness. Today I asked him for forgiveness for my not behaving with compassion. He was very willing to forgive me and told me he is ok now.

For a long time Jeff has told me the reason I married him was so I could learn patience and have experiences. Oh, my do I still have a lot to learn. Just when I think I have it down, I get new advanced lessons. But the truth is I am trying to live in the light, even when darkness surrounds us, there is light if we but ask for it and invite it into our hearts.

Today our home was filled with rays of sunshine. There were several times I had the privilege of cleaning Jeff up. But you know, it was an act of love, just as it was when my children were babies and I changed their diapers. Jeff is very patient with me. I think it is a gift that he does not seem real cognizant of what is happening.

Tomorrow we are going to get a hospital bed. It had been my plan all along, but when we first got here, things were a little easier than they are now, so I put that plan aside. We don't know what the future holds. For now, Jeff's immune system is being strengthened. Once it gets strong enough, it will take care of the lesions on the brain and hopefully things will begin to return to normal again.

Until then, we are just taking one day at a time bringing in rays of sunshine as best we can. Being grateful for every little miracle along the way and sharing our journey with you. Thank you for joining us. It is an incredible adventure.

Chris