Reality

This morning I woke up to find Jeff kissing me. It felt so warm and sweet. I could just feel his love permeating every fiber of my being. I was surprised because he had gotten out of bed to kiss me. He then informed me he had been healing all along, but hadn't said anything because he wanted to surprise me. I was so thrilled. It was exactly the miracle I knew could happen. He then asked me if I was ready to spend the day on a big adventure. I told him of course I was, "Let's go!!!"

Then the phone rang and really woke me up. Dang!! I hate waking up from those kinds of dreams. It was the biggest let down I have had in a very long time to realize the reality had not changed. Jeff was still laying in his bed dying, and our biggest adventures are still to come. They may be delayed somewhat until it is my turn to join him, which I have informed him is not going to be for a VERY long time yet.

So with reality hitting me square in the face I have kind of been forced to make decisions for Jeff we should have made together a long time ago. Death is one of those things we don't really want to think about. I remember as a child coming to the realization that someday my grandparents, then my parents, and eventually I would die. But it was just a fleeting thought that I only remembered when I was told the news that my grandmother had passed away. But she was old. It just never occured to me that the time would come when I would be facing burying my husband. Even when he faced his mortality with malignant melanoma twice and we have had the HIV thing hanging over us for years, I honestly just did not think it was possible that it would snuff out life, so it wasn't something we prepared for.

I am almost embarassed to publicly admit how immature I have probably been about the whole thing. On the other hand, I am only human with a few weaknesses of my own like wanting to live in a dream world instead of facing reality. Sometimes reality really sucks. Ok, there I said it. Now all of you who have wanted to put me on some kind of a pedestal for being super human in the face of this challenge can breathe a sigh of relief and know that I am nothing more than an average person who has been thrust into the middle of an extraordinary challenge. Sometimes I handle my challenges well, other times...well...not so well.

OK, so back to reality and facing big adult decisions. I had Charla take some money out of the bank to give to my parents to buy a burial plot for Jeff in Spokane. That was his desire and only makes sense to me. My father called me last night and asked if they could buy my burial plot next to Jeff's. Once again I was thrown for a loop. My own mortality has never been in question. It was sweet of my father to think about me though and want to help. I have made a firm decision to just be grateful for whatever is offered because there is an abundant universe just waiting for me to decide to receive what is available even if it is in the form of my burial plot. It is coming from a place of love and concern. I chose to accept the gracious offer.

So now I am ready to face other adult decisions and let go of any lingering guilt about not being as prepared as we should have been for something that seems so inevitable. Guilt serves no purpose in this instance except to drag me down, which is something I really can't afford right now. Actually guilt is one of those totally misunderstood, misused emotions. It is only meant to be like the totally obnoxious voice on a GPS system telling you "off course, do you still want to get to your planned destination?" Once you correct your course, the voice goes away until another correction is needed. But some people allow that voice to become the loud speaker in their ear reminding them over and over and over again that at one point in their previous journey they missed a turn. Then they continue to compile all the missed turns so the destination itself gets totally out of focus. So rather than try to finish the journey using the online guidance system they just turn it off completely and try to navigate on their own.

Right now I am totally dependant on my guidance system so I will just face each reality as it comes and be an adult about it knowing that in the past I have made mistakes and in the future I will most assuredly make more mistakes, but if I choose to change my course immediately those mistakes don't have to totally mess up my journey. In fact, they just might take me on a more scenic route, or at least more adventurous. That's a good way for me to look at reality tonight, just a blip in the whole scheme of things. I can handle blips.

Chris