Today brought a plethora of emotions and interesting experiences. The morning was pretty typical, although I plunged into doing the sponge bath thing and changing Jeff's sheets all by myself. The other day the nurse showed me how to do it with the patient still in the bed. She has been in ICU for years and was an expert. I on the other hand am quite a novice at it and wasn't sure exactly what I was doing. For a nurse, their most important concern is getting the task done. For me, my biggest concern was Jeff's comfort and making sure he felt safe. I can't say that I was as efficient as the nurse, but when we were done, I made Jeff give me a high five.
Jason stayed with Jeff while I went to church. I was a little late and made a very unconscious mistake of sitting in the back row. I ended up between two older women who are both widows. About half way through the meeting I could feel my chest getting tighter and tighter and I became more and more agitated. I finally realized that by sitting where I did, it was almost as if I was giving myself a new label, one that I am not ready to assume. The emotions became so intense that I excused myself and left.
I came home and crawled onto the side of Jeff's bed, put my head on his shoulders and just wept. I am not ready to be a widow. I am far too young to join that crowd. I was just missing him so much already. He did not like me crying, but I told him that I still need him and for now his body is still warm and I was going to take advantage of it. It felt good to cry for a little while, but then I realized that I was not choosing to live in present time, but was projecting myself into a future that is not here yet. So I brought myself back to the present and was just grateful that his body really was still very warm.
Later on in the evening, he became very alert. More so than he has for quite some time. He was also able to communicate on a somewhat higher level which meant that he had things he wanted to tell me. He told me that he needed my help. It took awhile to figure out what help he needed because the only additional information he gave me is that it is what he has been working on. Then it was a matter of playing the guessing game. It had to do with others and unfinished business. The others turned out to be our children. He needed my help to let them know how much he loved them and wanted to teach them some of the things he is learning. I told him I would help as much as I could. He appreciated that.
I could tell that he was much more lucid than he has been for quite some time, so I took the opportunity to ask some very pointed questions. His answers were very interesting. When I asked him about his eyes, he told me he can see very clearly now, but what he sees is the spiritual dimension. I asked him to describe it. He said it is beautiful. I reminded him that he has often said that he just can't imagine anything more beautiful than the earth as we know it. He told me this place is more beautiful.
I asked him about his teachers. He said they come and go. I asked him if he knew them and could identify them. His answer was a very firm yes. I also asked him if his spirit has gone on a journey to visit this place. He indicated that yes, he has gone and visited a little and was given a choice. The choice he made to go home was out of love for me because he did not want to be a burden to me anymore. I told him I appreciated his thoughtfulness, but asked him to consider making a new decision because it isn't too late. He told me he is just tired and that it is a very good place and he is looking forward to being there. I asked him if he had seen the Savior yet. His answer was kind of. I'm not sure what he meant by that, except he did indicate that he felt his great love. I asked him more about Emily. He said she is here with us often but she is very busy and happy. She loves us very much and is glad that I am studying energy. I asked if it was her that led the way for me to do that. The answer was a very firm yes.
As we were talking, I realized I should have some kind of tape recorder or at least a notebook to record the messages he is teaching. I also realized what a gift it is for us for Jeff not to have his physical eyes right now because it has given his spiritual eyes an opening. I also wonder if we are being given and opportunity of this type of learning because the lesions in his brain are making it possible to connect more with the spirit dimension without his body interfering. I often wish he had his total faculties and could communicate very clearly, but now I am wondering if we would be having this experience if it were any other way. I don't know. I just have so many questions. I feel like this bedroom is sacred ground right now because Jeff is a window to another dimension and I am full of questions. Unfortunately the windows of opportunity for this kind of learning are very unstable and I can only get a few of my questions answered at one sitting.
I don't know how long this phase will last. In many ways it is like having a newborn baby fresh from the spirit realm. We know if they could talk, they could tell us about the place they came from because the veil is still so very thin. It is just a fascination journey. It will interesting to see what tomorrow brings.
But for tonight I am very glad that there is still a warm body, one that seems so disabled by outward appearances, but is becoming more and more tuned into the spiritual side. There is no sadness in that, only mere curiousity and gratitude on my part.
Finding faith, having hope, looking toward the light, creating joy.
Chris
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