Brain Mush

My brain has gone to mush. I am having a hard time concentrating or focusing on anything. My children asked me today if I was ever going to go to the grocery store again. I thought about it this morning as I was out and about, but I drove right on by because I knew that if I went into the grocery store, I would get a shopping cart and wander aimlessly up and down the isles not even aware of where I was. I would probably have ended up leaving the store without even purchasing anything, so I opted to not stop at all.

This confusion of the mind is a strange feeling for me even though it is somewhat familiar because I do remember experiencing it after Emily died. I was hoping I could skip right over this stage and go right to creating joy. But alas, it does not appear to be the case. Even writing this blog will probably seemed somewhat scattered because it is as if my brain really is short circuiting. They should have some kind of warning labels for those who are in the grieving process and choose to go out in public. Some type of disclaimer like a little neon sign that says something like "this person is not accountable for anything she may say or do, please be patient and kind to her, you have no idea what she has just been through."

I really don't want any more sympathy. I have had enough of that. But it is hard when I know I must be annoying people because my actions must appear somewhat fuzzy too. Charla went to the grocery store with me tonight so I could just push the cart and let her fill it. But she went to check out one final thing and I did what I always do at Fred Meyers. I went to the self checkout stand. I just like having that kind of control. But I ended up with way more than 15 items, and the clerk that helps had to come several times to tell me to push one more button, or move an item to the scale. I am quite sure the people who were waiting in line were a bit frustrated with me. No one said anything rude that I know of, but when I dropped one of the bags in the parking lot on the way out and made more people wait for me as I tried to retrieve my purchases, I realized in my state right now I am a hazard.

I was pondering today about this blog. It was interesting and very emotional to go through all the emotions with me before Jeff died. But what now? What is interesting about a mushy brain and leaky eyes? Who would be interested now in reading about how life goes on? There is no more drama now, only boring, numbing reality.

I do not want to dwell on death. I want to live. But my body keeps reminding me that I too have been through trauma and need to be gentle with myself and give myself the time I deserve to heal. So each day as I wake up I remind myself that I have choices and that if for today I choose not to be productive it will be perfectly fine. On the other hand, if I find that I have energy, strength, and motive to do even one thing on my growing to do list, I will be satisfied. Today I did that one thing. I went to the temple and did some very sweet work for my daughter. It was a good way to remind myself of family connections that continue beyond the grave.

Life does go on. Even though it might be awhile that my brain stays mushy, I will do my best to try and write something that makes sense. It is not for the sake of anyone who might read this blog. It is for me. If you choose to still join me, consider yourself warned.

Chris