Expectations

When I began writing this blog I made a commitment to myself that I would just be honest in writing how I feel and what is happening. That hasn't always been easy because it seems to be human nature (at least in my case) to want to paint a rosy picture and say everything is just fine even though that might not exactly be the case, but I don't want people putting a lot of energy into worrying about me or feeling sorry for me. It is a challenge to just write the truth and let each reader be respons-able for their own emotions.

I know that there are those out there who are wondering how I'm really doing because they just can't imagine how they would handle themselves in the same situation. My pat answer right now when people ask me is "I am doing as well as can be expected." Now exactly what does that mean? Are there really expectations of how I am supposed to be doing? Is there some kind of a scale that can be used as a measuring tool so that people can either worry more or worry less about me and my emotional state? Sounds a bit absurd doesn't it? It really is OK though because a long time ago I adopted the attitude that what other people think of me is none of my business. I appreciate all the care, concern, and compassion that has been heaped upon me. I am grateful for those who respond to the blog with their own perspectives. I welcome that kind of input. I know that there are many who truly care about me and it is heartwarming. I guess since I am the one who chose to put myself in the public spotlight with this story, it is expected (oh there's that word again) that there would be a variety of responses to the situation I am facing. My intention is not to set myself up as some kind of a model for grief stricken widows to follow, only to share my journey through some pretty intense and unfamiliar terrain.

That said, I woke up this morning ANGRY. I felt it in the very core of my being. I'm sure it allowed itself to surface today because I had an appointment with my energy therapist. My body always seems to sense when a scheduled time of healing is going to happen. I usually begin processing my feelings the day before my appointment. It helps me to really clarify what issues and feelings need to be worked through.

Let me explain just a little bit about working with an energy therapist. There are many different modalities: chiropractors, massage therapists, acupuncturist, rapid eye, cranial sacral, neurofeedback and many, many others that work with the energies of the body with the intention to help relieve stress, both emotional and physical. Some modalities work specifically with the body, others work with the brain, and still others work more with the emotional and psychological aspects. The method I found that works well for me because it is so easy to use and to teach to others is the Emotional Freedom Technique (www.emofree.com) or EFT for short.

In essence EFT is like acupuncture without the needles. It works directly with the body's energy meridians and helps to relieve pockets of stress that cause short circuits in the system. I can't tell you how it works. I only know that it does. My favorite analogy is that of going to the dry cleaners. You hand them your ticket, and your specific clothes come forward so that you can take them out. With EFT, you access specific emotions by allowing memories, feelings, and beliefs to come to the forefront of the energy system. Then you acknowledge them for what they are, as well as acknowledging a deep and profound love for yourself. The emotions and feelings are very real as are the memories that have produced them. It does not matter if the memory is accurate or not because the most important element is you have perceived what has happened and what decisions were made made as a result. Once these emotions are accessed, a specific format of tapping on acupressure points helps to release all the energy surrounding the emotions. As the energy is dissipated by the tapping, the feelings begin to change. Eventually you are left with the memory, but without the emotional charge attached to it. It is a very cool process. One that has helped me tremendously with everything we have gone through. It was one of the major reasons Jeff was able to leave his body in such a state of total peace.

So this morning, I totally allowed myself to feel the anger of being left with a huge mess to clean up. Even though the manifestation of Jeff's illness did not happen until August, now I realize there were definite signs that things were not working right in his brain for quite some time. As a result, things I thought he was taking care of with our business, were not done properly at all.
Even though we have known about the HIV for a long time, financially we were not prepared. Once that diagnosis was made, life insurance was out of the question. So there isn't anything to help that way either.

The honest truth is that Jeff's addiction took a huge toll on our family in many ways. Even though he gave it up several years ago, the ramifications were long lasting, not just with his health, but with our financial status as well. Jeff was incredibly intelligent and gifted with business, but for many years, his focus was on keeping secrets and hiding his addictive behaviors some of which were very expensive. I accepted these facts a long time ago and chose to forgive and move forward with our lives. He spent much of the last few years of his life trying to make up for the damage done earlier. Those efforts were appreciated but it almost seems as if it were too little too late. This last year we began to put into practice many new understandings and techniques that will help us live in abundance. We were so excited for what we were beginning to create.

Then he got sick. Our plans were put on hold. He lost his job. The debts began to mount. He did qualify for Social Security Disability. I got a notice a few days ago saying they will begin to pay in April, if he is still disabled. But since he died, there is nothing there for me until I reach 65 except a $250 one time death benefit. So I am left with a mountain of debt, a business that is in deep trouble, a license that has been put on hold until I can finish my certification process, and virtually no income. So guess what? I was a little ticked this morning. (well it was actually more than just ticked, but I do try to use propriety in this little blog). I had a right to be angry. It was core deep. I became an interested observer as I allowed myself to feel all aspects of the anger and release it. I did it in a way that was very cathartic. No one was hurt. I didn't destroy any furniture of dishes. I just acknowledged it for what it was and released it. It was very freeing. I love using EFT.

Now, it did not change the state of our financial affairs, but this is the way I look at things now. I will not put any energy into fear. Nor will I focus on the debt or what we do not have. We live in a world of abundance. There are many, many opportunities at my fingertips. I have the tools to be able to make of my life whatever I want. The more I focus on what I want to create and allow myself to attract it into my life, the easier it will be for me to take what I have now and completely turn it around. It was important for me to acknowledge and release the anger this morning because it was causing some blocks in my energy.

I feel awesome tonight because I know that as a result of the experiences I am having right now, I can teach others who are in similar situations how to rise above it. I set an intention to teach an abundance seminar in Spokane the 1st weekend in February. I will also be teaching here in Boise. I know I will have some awesome stories to share about how the secret to attracting abundance works. It's not just about money. It is about creating an abundance of health, relationships, experiences and wisdom. I taught this seminar in August and have some very cool success stories from those who attended. Now that all the static in my life is finally dissipating, I can use these amazing tools for myself.

I suppose I can be grateful to Jeff for giving me yet another story of overcoming huge obstacles. Or I can just be a curious observer and watch the process in action. As time goes forward, chances are I will share some of the ways I am using these tools as well as putting in links and other resources for those who are reading to learn these things for yourself. Learning this new way of thinking has totally changed my life. It has made it possible to get through some really tough stuff and still be emotionally sound, well at least as can sound as can be expected, (there is that word again.)

I love the process of change. I welcome it because it means that I am continuing to grow into a thriving human being, not just one who endures suffering. I know that I can create joy. It is my privilege and right as a daughter of God. It does not matter what messes I have to clean up or what others may or may not have done to me. I am respons-able for my own happiness. I am the creator of my own joy. I have awesome tools at my disposal. I have help from the spirit realm who are just as dedicated to helping me in my creation as I am. I have a loving Heavenly Father who is cheering me on. I have an amazing older brother who not only died for me, but lived in a manner that teaches me how to live as well. My life is good. It is whatever I want it to be. It is up to me.

So for tonight anyway I am doing awesome. Tomorrow I might need to just step back and be an observer of other aspects of grief again. But that's OK. There really are no expectations. It is what it is. I do not need to rush the process, nor do I need to hold it back. All I really need to do is just allow myself to feel whatever comes up, acknowledge all aspects of it, then release it in a healthy way. . . .or not . . .
Choices...I love it.

Chris