Free

I thought I was prepared. I wasn't. I thought I had already felt his loss. I hadn't. I thought maybe it might not hurt quite as much as when Emily died. I was wrong.
As he fought for every last breath this morning, I could not fathom how could this be really happening. The last couple of months have been excrucaiting as I watched the effects of the disease systematically shut down the communication of his brain with his body. The last couple of weeks I have been praying for it to come to an end quickly so that we could both move forward, but when it came right down to it, letting him go was one of the most painful things I have ever done in my life.

When I knew that it really was time, I gathered my children around their father and together we felt his spirit freed from the confines of his diseased body as he breathed that one last breath. In that one moment around 9:33 AM on December 6, 2006 everything changed for the Jeff Dietzel family.

Jeff is now free to soar. How wonderful that must be after the last 2 months of being held prisoner in a body that no longer allowed him to see or move. No doubt there is still a welcome home party going on the other side of the veil. I am sure that Emily is thrilled to be reunited with her daddy and they are already planning new adventures. They always had planned on learning to skydive together. The possibilities are now endless.

But here in this realm, we are learning how to cope with another loss and dealing with painful details and decisions of a mortal life that continues. I am grateful I have been keeping this blog so that I can go back and remember everything I have been teaching about creating joy and living in the moment. I will continue to allow myself to feel every emotion to the fullest. I will continue to express those emotions in appropriate ways. Most of all I want to remember to then give those burdens to the Savior who can carry the weight far better than I can. I want to remember that no matter how difficult, how painful, how sad this day and the coming weeks, months and years may be, I can still choose to create joy. One thing that I have learned is the more we allow ourselves to feel the depth of our sorrow and then let it go, the more space is opened in our hearts to fill joy. The capacity for me to experience more joy has been created by the depth of sorrow I feel today.

I will continue to post daily (well maybe) on this blog because I choose to believe that miracles will continue because I believe in a God of miracles. Jeff might be free from his body now, but there is no doubt in my mind that he will continue to be a part of our lives. As I look for evidence of that and choose to trust what I feel, that belief will be manifest in many ways.

If you have not read yesterday’s blog on making a difference, please do and then share with us. It is gratitude that will always help to shift us out of deep sorrow. By thinking about it and formulating those words, I promise it will make a difference in your life too.

You are free now Jeff. Free to move forward toward realms of light. Free to love unrestrained, free to create joy from another sphere free to continue on the path of becoming all that you are capable of becoming. You will be missed, but we, on earth are thrilled for your new opportunities. Some day we will join you, but for now, we are all free to create whatever we choose to here on earth. The plan is marvelous. The choices are ours.