As I shared in yesterday's blog, at his funeral Jeff wanted the truth spoken about his life. The following is an email I received the day after Jeff died. It is portions of a post Jeff wrote to an email list he bolonged to. It is a very abreviated version of his story written about 3 years ago in his own words.
I felt like it is important to share it on the blog so that those who are reading it will have a better understanding of who Jeff was, not from my viewpoint, but from him. As time goes on I will probably not focus so much on his struggles, but more on our love story and the victories that we have had.
Dear Brothers:
It has been a very long time since I have posted on this list. I have read posts from time to time and very much share in your successes and challenges. For those of you who don't know who I am I will give you the very shortened version of my story.
I got involved with hard core pornography when I was about 9, way too young to see such things. I struggled through my teen years . I joined the LDS church when I was 17. I served a church mission to El Salvador, married in the temple, and started having children right away. Well, needless to say the stress and pressures of supporting a family and going to school became too much and I returned to my medication. Soon the straight porn became gay porn, which eventually led to me acting out. This cycle went on for years. Finally in 1999 I had had enough and decided to do something about it. I didn't know about Evergreen but I had heard of Exodus and began to attend their meetings. The meetings really opened my eyes and I began to understand the root of my addictive behavior. The first year was a real struggle. I wasn't sure what I really wanted. I really wanted to leave my wife and kids and go into the gay lifestyle, but I knew deep inside that that wasn't the answer. As I allowed the Atonement to take effect in my life, my heart began to soften and [my life began to change] .
Now that is the very short version, and this gets me to the title of my post. I can't begin to express the gratitude and joy I feel. I am truly grateful for my SSA, not that I would ever choose it, but I am grateful for the person it has made me. I am grateful for a Savior and his Atonement. When I met with the General Authority who restored my blessings he told me that he was not there to determine my worthiness, but to give me a message from President Hinckley. The message was simple but so powerful to me. The message was; "You are forgiven" I never cried so much as I did that night. Me who had done so many things wrong, hurt my wife so deeply, lied, cheated, on and on, I was forgiven. I am grateful for the experiences that have brought me to this point in my life. I can positively say that SSA is not an issue in my life, only to remind me of my dependence on the Savior and to help others. Never in my life have I felt such freedom, and this freedom has led to unexplainable joy. Over the last couple of weeks I have been able to attend the temple quite often and am amazed each time I go, at the pure love that our Father in Heaven has for each of his spirit children. Each of us is one of those children.
For those of you who continue to struggle, my only words are continue to have hope and press on. I was caught in the addictive cycle for over 24 years. Was all the pain, sorrow, struggling worth it. YES. In the words of my wife it is like having a baby. The joy you feel after the baby is born is worth all the pain of bringing that child into this world. I do feel like a new born.
I am grateful to all of you for your continued examples. I read some of your posts and wonder what do I really have to offer. I am not eloquent with words like the majority of you are. I am not a scripture scholar. Many of you express my thoughts so easily on paper. I wish I could write what my heart feels. Thank you for your words and willingness to share.
As I close this post, I sit here wondering why I have been so blessed, I still am not sure but I know that I am loved by a Heavenly Father, whose presence I thought I would never see again. Then I realize the power of the Atonement and how it applies to everyone, I mean EVERYONE, no matter what we have done in the past.
My brothers in the words of Nephi and Alma press forward in the steadfastness of Christ. I love all of you and pray for you often. I will try to post more often as time allows.
Your Brother
Jeff Dietzel
As I read the words of this post, I could hear my husband's voice in my ears and in my heart telling me that he wanted it shared. I have to admit that when it came right down to it, I cringed to have his trials so blatantly spoken about at his funeral. But it is not his struggles that we need to focus on. Jeff was who he was because of the way he handled his trials, but more importantly the way he allowed the Savior to heal his heart.
I remember several years ago when Jeff was being so torn with conflicting desires and the hopelessness that comes from never being able to overcome his self-destructive behaviors on his own. I asked him if he thought Jesus Christ could help him. His answer made me very sad, because he told me that he knew the Savior was knocking at the door of his heart, but he had barred the door shut and turned up the noise in his head so he could not hear the gentle pleadings. He was just so angry that he had to struggle with something he did not ask for, but was so completely powerless against. He also had a warped sense that he was beyond redemption and that somehow the atoning power of the atonement could not apply to him because he just couldn't make himself worthy of it.
What he finally learned however was that the help was available for the asking. Eventually he became humble enough to allow the softening influence of Christ begin to change his heart and he took down the bars. It was awesome to see the light and the joy come back into his face.
The miracles with Jeff began long before I began keeping this blog. His words only begin to convey the joy he felt in his freedom. What was more important was the choices he made to live in gratitde and joy in spite of the fact that we had other severe trials in our lives. May his words give you hope that no matter what mistakes or trials you might be going through, there are answers and there can be light. This is the intent of writing the blog and sharing it with the world.
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