The Worth of A Soul

The last two days have been incredibly difficult for me. I'm sure there are a variety of physical things that have attributed to the cold sore on the side of my mouth, the bowel irritations, and my swollen lymph glands. More than this I know that there are emotional contributors. It doesn't surprise me. Even though I have done the best I know how to take care of myself both physically and emotionally, the last few months have taken a toll on me physically.

As I was visiting with a trusted counselor this morning about possible emotional roots, the most obvious emotion that surfaced was deep grief. As soon as it was identified, the tears started. They continue still. My philosophy has been to just allow emotion, not force it or suppress it. The body is an amazing instrument. I try to listen. Sometimes it is easier than others. Yesterday I knew something was surfacing. Today it got my attention big time. I am taking steps to help my body, because I don't want to get sick, but more than this I know it is good for me to feel the pain so I just allow it.

It hurts. I miss him every minute. There is a part of me that still expects him to call and let me know he's ok and will be home soon. I have been teaching my friends a little bit about understanding each other in marriage. As I was sharing, it occured to me that one of the reasons our marriage was so amazing was because together we were so complete. We had very unique differences. His strengths complimented my weaknesses and vise versa Sometimes I wonder if I will ever feel whole again.

I remember an experience I had many years ago. He had been sent to work in Massachusettes for several months and we knew it would be several more months before we would be together again as a family. Even though he had been able to come home and spend every other weekend with us, this time his company flew me out to spend the weekend with him in Boston to celebrate our anniversary. It was the first time I had ever been back east and I was so excited.

I sat with my head glued to the airplane window just enthralled with all I saw below me. It was nighttime and I saw a sea of lights extending as far as my vision would allow. As the plane was circling to land, I marveled at the city below and the millions of individual people and lives the lights represented, and I began to feel very small and insignificant. But then a new thought entered my mind. I knew that somewhere in the sea of the humanity below, there was one person who knew me and loved me. My heart connected with his and I knew he was waiting for me and was as anxious to see me as I was to see him. Suddenly the masses no longer mattered and my individual worth and significance swelled my soul with gratitude for the miracle of being loved by one special person.

Even now as I write about this sweet memory, I feel a profound sense of loneliness. I know that the essence of Jeff is still near and there are many people who care about me, but as far as feeling that special connection with one person on earth, well for now it is not my reality and there is just an emptiness in my heart.

It seems the only balm I have right now is another comforting thought. For I know that with the billions of spirits that have come and populated the earth, somehow God still knows me as an individual. I am not just one of the masses to him. He knows my heartache and he understands my pain. My individual worth is great in his sight and I know that I am loved by One Special Being. I can cast my burdens on Him and he will gladly take them. Perhaps there will come a time when I will once again connect with a special person here on earth, but for now I am grateful to know that I don't have to feel alone and when I am ready He will be there to fill my heart with companionship.

Easy to say, not so easy to do. At least I know there is a choice. It is still up to me.

Chris

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