Leaking

I have sprung a leak. The tears just keeping falling on to my cheeks and I can't seem to stop them. As we left Spokane this morning on our way back to Boise, I told Charla I felt like I was heading towards a brand new future and it was all I could do to not be terrified. But I just kept driving anyway. What else am I supposed to do?

When we got to the house, we saw reminders of the goodness of people. There was a huge beautiful poinsetta someone had left on our porch as well as the gifts of days 4 thru 8 from some Christmas pixies. There was also a package containing the weighted blanket I ordered for Jeff the day before Thanksgiving in hopes of helping him feel safer. What reason do I give them for returning it unused?

I walked into the empty house and saw remains of a life and time that is now only a blur. They came and got the hospital bed and wheelchair the day Jeff died. But his fancy lift chair I bought so he could have a comfortable place to sit is still here. So are the aids for daily living; the shower chair, toilet riser, and chi machine that were only used for a couple of weeks. They must be wondering why they were purchased only to be used briefly and set aside. When we first went to the doctor, I was warned that it would probably be at least 6 months before any progress would be seen, so I was prepared to care for Jeff long term. But the wheelchair ramps that my brother-in-law so quickly and lovingly made after we got to Boise were only used twice. They are now on the back porch. Perhaps the home health care people can find someone else who can use them.

Jeff never even saw this house. His eyesight was gone by the time we got here. I never really unpacked his clothes or gave him space in the big walk in closet. He was only a short term guest. And the only memories I have of him here were watching him digress in a few weeks from being an adult, to being 16, then 12, 7, 2 and finally an infant totally and completely dependant on me for his very existence.

My children think I should leave this house because this is where he died. The memories are painful, but they are also sweet. I can still hear his 7 year old voice telling Jason to eat the yucky asparagus when I was trying his patience. I can feel the peace that came over him as he released all of the old painful energy of his heart and made the choice to go home out of love for me. I will cherish the conversations we had as his spiritual eyes opened and he communicated messages of love to me from Emily. So if the memories are so sweet, why do the tears keep falling? I have heard that tears of sorrow have healing chemicals in them. My cheeks should be glowing by tomorrow.

Maybe tomorrow, or the next day, or next week I will think about how to move forward. I think it will be fine to take as long as I need. I am still having a hard time accepting the reality of what has happened in the last 2 months since we first got here. It went so quickly with so many demands. Now that it is over, I am left alone to try to figure out what comes next. Jeff Dietzel has been the center of my life since I was 16 years old, so the idea of going on without him now leaves me a bit unnerved.

Many people have asked me what my plans are now. To be honest, I do have plans, big plans. I promised Jeff I would not die with him and will go on to create an amazing life of joy. My life has been on hold for quite some time and maybe it will be good for me to get busy and start creating. But for tonight I think I will just let the tears fall.

Chris