Memories

I made a decision last night that I would not get stressed out about the upcoming trip to Spokane. I hate to admit that in the past, I have not been quite so calm when it comes to preparing, packing, and loading the car. I always seemed to be in a hurry to just get going. My children did not always appreciate my pressuring them to put a move on and looking back at the way I behaved in times past, they had a point.

So this morning when we were just barely getting up about the time we had projected on leaving, and Seth had business things he needed to take care of, and a myriad of other small setbacks I was calm. We left 2 hours later than we had planned on leaving, but it was totally ok. I had a meeting scheduled with the funeral home at 3:30 but called them and rescheduled it for tomorrow. It was fine. I was calm.

The car ride itself was uneventful. I slept some while Charla drove. The boys watched movies and played video games in the back seat. Then we switched and I drove until the kids told me to pull over because I yawned. I put on my headphones and did a bit of meditation and I was calm.

When we were just about to Cheney, Charla mentioned that the gas gage said we had about .3 miles before we hit empty then it said .1 mile. I told her to just take the Cheney exit and we would get gas. There was nothing to be upset about. We were fine. I was calm.

Then we drove on towards Spokane. As we hit Sunset Hill, I was not prepared for the avalanche of feelings that deluged me, and I was no longer calm. Memories flooded my mind and body as the city lights spread out in front of me beckoning me with demands to remember when we did this...or remember when we went here. I would like to say the memories were sweet tonight, but I think that will take more time. Mostly I just felt bombarded and vulnerable. It was a good thing I was not driving at the time because I was quite the emotional mess all the way to my parent's house. When we got to the driveway, it was all I could to to make myself get out of the car.

I keep reminding myself to stay present. But the truth is I am here in Spokane to bury my husband and it sucks. Tomorrow I will meet at the funeral home and pick out a casket. This is not the way I pictured ending this amazing year. In January, when I was just starting to learn about how much energy our thoughts have, I wrote out what I call "My Intentions" list. It is very different from New Year's Resolutions. It was more a way of helping affirm who I wanted to become. I have read or listened to those intentions every day. And every single thing I wrote down, including writing a blog about HIV is happening. The one thing that I had a hard time reading or hearing is where I say that I am being supported by a kind, considerate, healthy, focused husband. Well it came to me yesterday that for the first time in months, I am being supported by a kind, considerate, healthy, focused husband. He is dead...but those attributes are still very much a part of who he still is.

Even tonight as I was so overcome with the emotions just of the purpose for us being here, I could feel his arms around me reminding me that he is still close and he still has the same memories I do but he understood why I was having a hard time. It was very safe to feel. I am still a little numbed by the experience of just being here, but we ironed out all the final details for the funeral, woops!! celebration of Jeff's life. Oh get real...It is a funeral calling it anything else does not change what is happening. Oh dear..it must be time for bed, I am arguing with myself as I write. That can't be a good sign. Or maybe you are just physically and emotionally ready to take a break.

Sounds like a plan. I will check in tomorrow night.

I have had requests from people to know where to send flowers etc..The funeral arrangements are being made by Hazen & Jaeger Funeral Homes Inc 1306 N Pines Road Spokane Washington 99206 Phone: (509) 924-9700.

The funeral is still planned for Monday at 1:00 at the LDS church 13608 E 40thVeradale, WA 99037 . There will be a public viewing beginning at 11:30 (that is if they can get Jeff there on time, but that is another story).

Thank you all who are sending me your thoughts on how Jeff's life made a difference. It helps a lot.

I feel like I am just rambling a bit tonight. You know what? That's ok. It's been one of those very disjointed days. I think it is time for me to go to bed. Tomorrow we will make new memories and they will be good.

Chris