Last night after I wrote in the blog, I was not in great shape, I was just really missing my husband. So I did something I have not done before. I went back and re-read the 69 posts I have written on this blog since October 16. I read them from an observational 3rd party standpoint rather than just reliving them myself. It was very enlightening. For the most part, I usually don't plan ahead what I am going to write and I seldom if ever go back and edit. I figure if there are typos, oh well, those who read will be forgiving and hopefully understand the purpose of why I write. As such, once I have written something, it has not been my habit to go back and read it again.
So my experience in reading the blogs from the beginning was important for me for a couple of reasons. First I needed to remember what my original intention was in writing this on line journal. On October 18th I wrote : Mostly I write to help me remember what I have already learned and to keep my own perspective. So I ask myself "What have you already learned?"
The most important lesson I learned through everything Jeff and I have gone through is the value of putting my trust in the Lord. Now for me, trusting the Lord just means that He will continue to guide me, strengthen me, teach me, console me, and be there as a counselor, coach, friend, and advisor. When I make the choice to trust in him, I do not feel quite so alone. It helps me feel stronger.
Trusting is not something that came easy to me. In fact, it was probably the most difficult lesson I had to learn. I was a bit stubborn when it came to releasing that control. The following is an excerpt from my book. It tells of an experience I had while teaching seminary about 12 years ago.
"I had to accept the fact that as much as I loved my husband, I could not trust him. And even though I had already received answers to many of my questions, I was still confused. So once again I turned to my Father in Heaven. This time, it wasn’t in anger, or sorrow. I was just seeking for guidance and peace. There were many times I had felt this to a degree, but for some reason, peace seemed to be very fleeting in my life. My prayers had been answered many times in the past, and I was certain that somehow I would once again be led to victory in this battle.
The following Friday was scripture mastery day in Seminary. There were 25 scriptures the students were supposed to memorize during the year. We spent one day a week concentrating on learning them. Usually we played some type of game, but this particular day I had absolutely nothing planned. It had been difficult to focus on seminary while I was wondering what Jeff might be doing at home. I decided to just challenge the kids to memorize 3 scriptures, and promised them we would get out early if they did. When they felt prepared, they would come in and quote the memorized scripture for me. The class passed off a lot of scriptures that day and we all felt good about their accomplishments. As promised, I excused the class early.
One of the boys had been working hard to memorize one last scripture and asked if he could pass it off before he left. I listened as he quoted Proverbs 3: 5-6. “Trust in the Lord with all your heart. Lean not to your own understanding. Acknowledge Him in all things and He will direct thy paths.” I gave Scott credit for knowing the words then asked him to explain what it meant. He didn’t know how to respond, but I kept pressing him. Finally, he just looked at me in exasperation and said, “I don’t know Sister Dietzel. Tell me what it means.”
I started explaining how it correlated to the theme of the entire year, which was found in Moses 1:39: “This is my work and my glory to bring to pass the immortality and eternal life of man.” I explained that everything that happens to us while we are on this earth is because God wants us to have a good earth experience and learn the lessons we chose before we came. We often talk about surrendering ourselves to God's will. But I believe that what God wants for us is to give us everything that we desired before we came here. In essence, His will is really just honoring our will. So when we fight against surrendering to a higher power, we are really just resisting the very things our higher selves wanted in the first place. We just don't remember. But he has not forgotten.
Trusting in the Lord means that we know that He knows what is best for us, and that he is doing all within his power to guide us on the path that will lead us to true joy, which is what he wants for us. He will never interfere in the first law of heaven which is agency, but has given us commandments that if followed, will keep our spirits open to feel his love, which is the sweetest feeling we can experience in mortality.
Leaning on our own understanding is like seeing only through myopic mortal vision. But the Lord, with his perfect eternal vision and can see the whole purpose of our existence. We are his children, and he knows our individual strengths and weaknesses. Understanding this will help us to realize that every experience has the capacity to ultimately help us to achieve our fullest potential.
The next part is to acknowledge him in all things. If we do this, we will be able to clearly see how we have been supported and guided, especially during our greatest times of trial. Knowing we have been led in the past will give us confidence that we will continue to be strengthened no matter what the future may hold.
As I was explaining this to my student, it was I who was being taught as I felt the truth of the words. It permeated every fiber of my being. I couldn’t explain to him what was happening to me. But I was reminded of an experience related by a young boy who had received his own manifestation of truth from the Lord. In relating his experience, Joseph Smith said, “Never had any scripture come with more power to my heart than this did at this time to mine. I reflected on it again and again.”
All day at work I thought about what I had been teaching. I looked back on everything that had happened in our lives and could see so clearly how we had been led line upon line, precept upon precept. Even during those times when I felt abandoned, I knew I had not been alone. I acknowledged the Lord for his goodness, patience, love, and understanding of me. I also acknowledge that much of the time, my relationship with the Lord had been one of me counseling Him. I didn’t doubt that he heard my prayers, but I was frustrated when it didn’t feel like he was giving me what I wanted, when I wanted it. Now it occurred to me that I hadn’t really trusted that he knew what was best for me. Oh, on occasion I had given him a small portion of my heart for a time, and then I would have my moments of peace. But when I felt like I was losing control, I would quit trusting and try to do it all on my own again, which only led to frustration.
But now, I saw things in a totally different light. I finally acknowledged that even though I could not trust my husband, I could trust the Lord, who loved my husband infinitely more than I did. He would not interfere in Jeff’s right to choose, but that didn’t mean he was just timidly knocking on the door waiting for Jeff to finally take the bars down, turn down the volume, let him in.
My counselor was right; I had been in the Lord’s way, so now I made a very conscious choice. I chose to completely surrender. I chose to trust in the Lord with ALL my heart and lean not to my own understanding. I chose to acknowledge Him in ALL things and knew that if I did this, He WOULD direct my paths. The feeling of peace that followed my surrender is unexplainable. It was not just a momentary fleeting, but all encompassing and lasting.
That day as I drove home from work, I pondered on all the experiences of my life, once again tears were streaming down my face. I felt my Savior’s love for me and I knew that even though at that point I could not trust my husband, I could trust in the Lord and He WOULD direct my paths. It was the most profound victory I would ever have, for it led to the peace of God which passeth all understanding. I held it continually in my heart and mind, and miracles began to happen.
The following Friday was scripture mastery day in Seminary. There were 25 scriptures the students were supposed to memorize during the year. We spent one day a week concentrating on learning them. Usually we played some type of game, but this particular day I had absolutely nothing planned. It had been difficult to focus on seminary while I was wondering what Jeff might be doing at home. I decided to just challenge the kids to memorize 3 scriptures, and promised them we would get out early if they did. When they felt prepared, they would come in and quote the memorized scripture for me. The class passed off a lot of scriptures that day and we all felt good about their accomplishments. As promised, I excused the class early.
One of the boys had been working hard to memorize one last scripture and asked if he could pass it off before he left. I listened as he quoted Proverbs 3: 5-6. “Trust in the Lord with all your heart. Lean not to your own understanding. Acknowledge Him in all things and He will direct thy paths.” I gave Scott credit for knowing the words then asked him to explain what it meant. He didn’t know how to respond, but I kept pressing him. Finally, he just looked at me in exasperation and said, “I don’t know Sister Dietzel. Tell me what it means.”
I started explaining how it correlated to the theme of the entire year, which was found in Moses 1:39: “This is my work and my glory to bring to pass the immortality and eternal life of man.” I explained that everything that happens to us while we are on this earth is because God wants us to have a good earth experience and learn the lessons we chose before we came. We often talk about surrendering ourselves to God's will. But I believe that what God wants for us is to give us everything that we desired before we came here. In essence, His will is really just honoring our will. So when we fight against surrendering to a higher power, we are really just resisting the very things our higher selves wanted in the first place. We just don't remember. But he has not forgotten.
Trusting in the Lord means that we know that He knows what is best for us, and that he is doing all within his power to guide us on the path that will lead us to true joy, which is what he wants for us. He will never interfere in the first law of heaven which is agency, but has given us commandments that if followed, will keep our spirits open to feel his love, which is the sweetest feeling we can experience in mortality.
Leaning on our own understanding is like seeing only through myopic mortal vision. But the Lord, with his perfect eternal vision and can see the whole purpose of our existence. We are his children, and he knows our individual strengths and weaknesses. Understanding this will help us to realize that every experience has the capacity to ultimately help us to achieve our fullest potential.
The next part is to acknowledge him in all things. If we do this, we will be able to clearly see how we have been supported and guided, especially during our greatest times of trial. Knowing we have been led in the past will give us confidence that we will continue to be strengthened no matter what the future may hold.
As I was explaining this to my student, it was I who was being taught as I felt the truth of the words. It permeated every fiber of my being. I couldn’t explain to him what was happening to me. But I was reminded of an experience related by a young boy who had received his own manifestation of truth from the Lord. In relating his experience, Joseph Smith said, “Never had any scripture come with more power to my heart than this did at this time to mine. I reflected on it again and again.”
All day at work I thought about what I had been teaching. I looked back on everything that had happened in our lives and could see so clearly how we had been led line upon line, precept upon precept. Even during those times when I felt abandoned, I knew I had not been alone. I acknowledged the Lord for his goodness, patience, love, and understanding of me. I also acknowledge that much of the time, my relationship with the Lord had been one of me counseling Him. I didn’t doubt that he heard my prayers, but I was frustrated when it didn’t feel like he was giving me what I wanted, when I wanted it. Now it occurred to me that I hadn’t really trusted that he knew what was best for me. Oh, on occasion I had given him a small portion of my heart for a time, and then I would have my moments of peace. But when I felt like I was losing control, I would quit trusting and try to do it all on my own again, which only led to frustration.
But now, I saw things in a totally different light. I finally acknowledged that even though I could not trust my husband, I could trust the Lord, who loved my husband infinitely more than I did. He would not interfere in Jeff’s right to choose, but that didn’t mean he was just timidly knocking on the door waiting for Jeff to finally take the bars down, turn down the volume, let him in.
My counselor was right; I had been in the Lord’s way, so now I made a very conscious choice. I chose to completely surrender. I chose to trust in the Lord with ALL my heart and lean not to my own understanding. I chose to acknowledge Him in ALL things and knew that if I did this, He WOULD direct my paths. The feeling of peace that followed my surrender is unexplainable. It was not just a momentary fleeting, but all encompassing and lasting.
That day as I drove home from work, I pondered on all the experiences of my life, once again tears were streaming down my face. I felt my Savior’s love for me and I knew that even though at that point I could not trust my husband, I could trust in the Lord and He WOULD direct my paths. It was the most profound victory I would ever have, for it led to the peace of God which passeth all understanding. I held it continually in my heart and mind, and miracles began to happen.
That experience was one of the threshold changing experiences talked about in chaos theory. Before that time, I was full of fear and confusion and an almost constant state of anxiety. But that day, it was as if my whole system was reorganized into a higher state. Since that time, I have had moments of anxiety, but once I remember the choice I made to trust in the Lord, I am filled with peace again. It is the most important lesson I have ever learned.
The impact of surrendering myself and trusting the Lord was so profound I wrote a poem about it, so that if there came times of anxiety, I could have something to remind myself about my choices.
TRUST IN THE LORD
When my life was full of anger
When sorrow gripped my heart
When fear encompassed my soul
I just couldn’t understand
How this was part of God’s great plan
I did not want to carry on
I couldn’t even feel his love
But he still watched me from above
And when I was ready he was there
To put His loving arms around me
Give me sweet relief
He understood my grief
I chose to trust in the Lord,
Trust in the Lord
And make his will my own
I chose to let go of anger
Let go of fear
And seek for strength to forgive
How my life has been blessed
Because of this great test
I chose to trust in him
Trusting in the Lord does not change the situation,
It does not bring the dead back to life
It does not give you answers when you ask the question why
It does not mean that you will never cry
Trusting in the Lord only helps your heart surrender
To things that are beyond your control
We can know that He is there, watching over us with care
He will always give us strength so we can bear
So if your life is full of anger
If sorrow fills your heart
If fear encompasses your soul
If you just cannot understand
Your part in God’s great plan
If you don’t want to carry on
You may not even feel His love
But He’ll still watch you from above
And when you are ready He’ll be there
To put His loving arms around you
Give you sweet relief
He’ll understand your grief
Choose to trust in the Lord
Trust in the Lord, and make His will your own
Choose to let go of anger, let go of grief
And seek for strength to forgive
Your life will be blessed
No matter what the test
If you choose to trust in Him
It was important for me just to remember. Going back and reading helped me realize how much I have really gone through in the last few months. It's a lot. It is important for me to remember to acknowledge the hand of the Lord in all things. There is no way I could ever have gone through all this without the assistance of the heavenly realm.
I can do this (whatever this is). I don't need to know all the specifics. But I am not really alone. I can remember that.
I can remember Jeff with fondness and find serenity in the memories.
I can also remember the choices I have made in the past and the lessons I have taught others about trusting and creating joy. I think the reason it is so important for me to teach is because the teacher learns far more than the students.
I can remember that remembering is a choice as is everything else.
So I choose to rememember and to move forward with life.
Chris
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