Tis the Season

Ok, so I caved. My kids knew I would. I tried, I really, really tried to avoid the whole Christmas thing. But I made the mistake of just stopping at Wal-Mart to pick up one little thing I needed for something completely unrelated to the holidays. What is it about Wal-Mart? Is there some kind of subliminal radio waves in the air that make people think they need more and more stuff? It's kind of like a black hole. No one goes in without being sucked into purchasing items they never even knew existed before, but end up not being able to live without.

I think I must have gone on auto-pilot when I chose to actually latch on to a shopping cart rather than quickly going back to the fabric section and getting the one thing I had a true purpose for when I entered the hallowed W-M doors. Soon I found myself in the candy isle thinking about stuffing stockings. I had promised myself I would not do it. I had assumed there would be pain associated with even a hint of doing the normal things that I have in the past. Instead, once I made a decision to consider the possibility, I found I was getting kind of a rush just in allowing myself to think, plan, and hunt for perfect items to put in the kids stockings. It was a bit different planning for only 2 instead of 5 like I have in the past. But it was ok...in fact it was really fun.

I didn't get much. But now the kids will be stocked up for the year with toiletry things, underwear, and socks like they are every year. They will also have something sweet to munch on Christmas morning because once I got in the swing of doing the stocking thing, I had to do the rice krispy wreath thing too. I'm sure we won't be doing any caroling, but Christmas morning just would not be real without green teeth and hands leftover from the assembly of our traditional wreaths. I only got enough for one batch, 3 wreaths at the most. But my mind was trying to figure out how to only get away with making 3. There are so many people I would like to give something back to.

AAAUUGGHHH what is this? I am supposed to be in mourning, not allowing myself to get caught up in silliness of painful traditions. But what if doing these simple things don't bring up pain? Instead, what if it brings joy, that thing I promised myself I would create. It is not in anyway taking away from the types of Christmas we have had in the past. Instead I think it honors it.

I just read the first part of this blog to Charla. She did't know that I had purchased the ingrediants for the wreaths. The smile on her face and the giggles when she realized what I was reading to her was enough to melt any mama's heart. She was just thinking that she has never once had a Christmas without the wreaths. Even when she was serving her mission in Bolivia, I shipped all the ingrediants to her so that she could still feel a part of us. In fact, even though she had convinced herself she just didn't care about Christmas this year, she had already decided to go to the store and get the same things. She was delighted to know that we think so much the same. I can hear her talking on the phone in the other room now completely animated and so excited about moving forward.

She is leaving in the morning to spend Christmas in Spokane. Jason and I will be leaving on Sunday to go to Arizona. So tonight this blog will cut short because I am going to go and make some new, but very familiar memories with my children.

I think the rest of my family that are not here would be thrilled to know that the traditions continue because isn't that what makes life real? Memories live on and on. I believe that those who leave this realm are still very close and even if they are busy doing whatever it is they do in the spirit world, they are still intensely interested in our comings and goings.

Maybe it's not caving in, maybe instead it is just allowing my heart to stay soft instead of trying so hard to protect it from pain. I think it is all in how I interpret each event in my life. Like I have said before, the choice is mine. So for the Dietzel family, Christmas might not be the same, but it will still be Christmas. I guess skipping it would probably be more painful anyway.

PS- one hour later

When I read this to my kids they realized I actually was going to at least do the stocking thing, so they have now presented me with their lists, another traditional thing that we were not going to do this year. They don't trust that what I have already purchased will be sufficient. We had a lot of fun making the wreaths, but ate so much of it in the process that we only got 2 full finished products. And I forgot to get the mini candy canes, so it looks as if I just might have to go back and do the midnight wal-mart run. I guess I better zip myself up and build an energy shield of protection so that I don't get caught up in the madness again. On the other hand...tis the season...who knows what else I might end up with.

Chris