The True Spirit of Christmas

Yesterday at church, the topic assigned to those speaking was on the true meaning of Christmas. I have to admit that it is a subject I have been trying to ignore for weeks. It's not that I am being a scrooge or anything. I do not care that other people are decking their halls and being jolly. I think it is more an attitude of protection for me right now. From the first year we were married, Jeff came alive at Christmas time. My seasonal task was shopping for the kids and filling their stockings. But Jeff was the one who was in charge of decorating the house and shopping for me.

We do have a Christmas tree up in the house thanks to a couple of Charla’s friends who came to help. The assignment I gave them was to decorate. They were delighted to feel important by doing something that really mattered. So Saturday morning they got up early, went to the store and came back with Santa hats, eggnog, and a Bing Crosby Christmas CD. Then they got busy and put the tree together, strung the lights and put on the ornaments. They loved the whole scene. I appreciated their enthusiasm, but chose to spend most of the day away sequestered away from the yuletide scene.

When they asked for my blessing on the way the tree was decorated, I gave them the nod of approval, but knew that my husband, whose life was slipping away in the other room would never have allowed such obvious bare spots and skimpy lights. I haven't turned the tree lights on since we got back from Spokane. There is no Christmas music, no smells of holiday cooking, and no presents under the tree. I have not watched one holiday movie, or been invited to any festive parties.

And I am ok with it. So are the kids. Jason and I are flying to Arizona on Sunday to be with one of the children of my heart. It will be good to get away and experience some sunshine and to regroup so that I can get on with the New Year. I am not skipping Christmas altogether this year, just changing the way I choose to celebrate.

So now I sit pondering the true meaning of Christmas. Is it really about lights, presents, and stockings hanging on the fireplace? Those things are fun and important for building family traditions and memories. It is awesome to feel completely energized by serving others and connecting on a higher level. But for me this year Christmas has a completely different meaning. More than anything else it has to do with the messages of angels. "Fear not" and "He is not here for he is risen." The story that began in a manger ended in a tomb. But the end was really only the beginning.

A couple of months ago, as I was waiting for Jeff to fall asleep, I was pondering on the meaning of it all and wrote these words that came late in the night.

Sometimes I wonder why I know what I know
Or why my life has happened the way it has
Did I really say “OK” to all of this?
Or did I somehow just create a life that would continue
To teach me painful lessons of letting go
So I could learn how to allow God to fill the emptiness?
In the quiet hours of the night, my thoughts run rampant
Doubting, questioning, reasoning from that place that is in between sleep and awake.
My voice cries out but there are no tears
The tears stopped long ago
I try to go to fear now, but there is no fear
I try to do to despair, but there is no despair
I try to question why, but knowing there are no answers,
I retreat back into the silence of the room and my mind remembers an empty tomb
The words spoken on that day are the only words to melt my pain away
He is not here, for he has risen
He was not there
But he came later
His body and limb restored
And then I find relief
To soothe a mother’s grief

Christmas this year is so much more than the preparation and anticipation of one calendar day. For that tiny child whose birth we celebrate grew up to be a man, a teacher, and a redeemer. But he not only had victory over the grave, he taught us how to live. The time we will be reunited, that is a given. But until then, how I live is up to me. The blueprint is perfect, the choice is mine. To me, the true Spirit of Christmas is in choosing to create joy every day. It is about having peace on earth begin in my heart because I allow the Savior of the world to be my personal Savior and to receive the gifts he offers me.

Maybe next year I will feel ok about decking our halls, but for now I choose to keep Christmas in my heart and to share the joy of the season in much quieter ways. May you each feel the joy of the season in ways that will celebrate the true spirit of Christmas.

Chris