Lessons in the School of LIfe

I can't believe it has been 5 days since I have written anything on this blog. I haven't dropped off the face of the earth. I have just been "Lost" literally. The one thing Charla and I got ourselves for Christmas was the 1st season of the TV show "Lost" Jeff and I watched it together last Christmas and were planning on watching the 2nd season this year. Charla had not seen any of it, so we started at the beginning as soon as I got back home from Arizona. It is not like me to sit and watch anything for hours on end.

But the truth is, for now, I am just letting it be ok. I am sure people wonder about me and how I am doing. I don't ever really know how to answer them. I wrote this to a friend of mine a few days ago.

Thanks for caring. Each day seems to bring new challenges for me. Some days I do really well and I feel totally strong and ready to face the world. Other days I shrink into my own private world and just let the earth continue to rotate on it's axis.

It is so strange. I never believed that he could really die, although subconsciously I have been preparing for it for a long time. And now that he is gone, I am having a hard time figuring out who the person is that stares back at me in the mirror.

I don't like the fact that the more time goes by, that harder it seems to get. I handled things so well during the months, weeks, days, hour, and minute before he died. Now my body just feels a little bit like silly putty. I know that I will get through it. I have amazing tools to help me, but it is hard for me to be patient with myself and allow the process.

Like I wrote in a previous post, I have been having some health concerns. Yesterday one of my sisters called me and invited me to pick up my other sister and spend some time together so that perhaps they could help me figure out some things.

I valued the time we spent together. It helped me understand myself much better. One thing that came forward was rather surprising to me. It had to do with a very familiar companion that once rarely left my side . . . fear. Last week I wrote about the very life changing decision I made to choose to trust in the Lord. Once I made that choice, fear was not something I allowed myself to ever dwell on again. Oh, it would come knocking at my door on occasion, but I would quickly dismiss it by remembering the choice I made.

Well apparantly, it did not allow itself to be dismissed quite so readily. Even though my mind and spirit recognized there was no need to dwell on the fear, and for the most part through everything that has happened over the last few months, I have remained in peace, but apparantly my body did not get the message.

Even now as I type this, my body reminds me that fear is a teaching emotion that needs to be acknowledged and addressed, not just dismissed. I have known for several weeks that my physical self was trying to tell me something, but I did not understand the message. The fear wasn't anything I really thought consciously about, it was more a default program that kept running in my background. Of course I was aware of it, but somehow I thought that if I acknowledged the existence of all the fears, they would somehow consume me and it would mean that my faith and trust was lacking. I did not feel like I could afford that.

Looking back, it seems so silly, but it was the only way I knew how to cope with all that was happening. I have said over and over again that the only way I know how to deal with grief is to feel all my feelings to the fullest, express them in appropriate ways, and then release them.
That has worked well for me.

I got a little newsletter from Hospice a couple of days ago concerning the grieving process. Even though I have had experience with it, the things I read helped me understand myself a little better.

It said: "As a culture we want everything to be quick and easy. We don't want to savor the feelings any more than we want to savor the wide range of our varied experiences. Like all else that we hurry through in life, we may be obsessed with getting through our pain as quickly as possible. Even though we can temporarily deny our pain, it still exists. It will eventually erupt in some way, maybe at an inappropriate moment or during another upset or illness. It is always better to admit strong feelings and to feel them, and to move through them in order to move beyond them."

That made sense to me, I have done that with the grief. But I have not allowed myself to do that with the fear. Instead what I have done when I have felt its ominous presence is give myself permission to feel it very briefly, then dismiss it quickly. As a result, my body has created some very uncomfortable patterns that have caused me quite a bit of pain...and wouldn't you know it, more fear that I refused to acknowledge...quite a little recurring trap I unwittingly set for myself.

What I learned as I was talking with my sisters was that by acknowledging the existence of a this big emotion, it does not mean I am lacking in faith, it only means I am still quite human. I saw an article once entitled "Fear, I Embrace You" The title alone was enough to make me quite sure it was not something I wanted to read. But obviously the concept intrigued me because years later, I still remember it.

So last night I made some new choices. I chose to listen to my body in a way that it needs to be heard. This does not mean I have to dwell on fear and become consumed. It only means I am no longer going to be a dismissive parent who refuses to acknowledge a child's right to feel. I can acknowledge anger, or fear, or frustration in a way that does not just readily dismiss them, but more a way to observe them, learn from them, virtually embrace them in my mind so that they won't get out of control in my body. Usually when children's fears are acknowledged, the adult can rationally and calmly help the child recognize the truth.

This was a huge lesson for me. One I need to probably remind myself often so that it will become the new default. It might take awhile. I am trying to be patient with myself as I continue this process of learning in the continuing school of life. Sometimes I wonder exactly how many preqrequisites of suffering, pain, and patience I need to take before I can really be ready for the advanced classes of creating joy that I am quite sure I signed up for.

Chris

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