Stages of Grief (?)

I am still here, still moving forward, still making plans for the future, still allowing my body mind, and spirit to heal, still having a hard time sleeping alone, and still finding myself often in the depths of grief. I am also still seeking for simple joys and miracles in living every day.

Sometimes I wonder if I will ever truly feel normal again or if I can even remember what that feels like. Perhaps what's more important is that I allow normal to be just feeling every day even if I am not in total control of what those feelings may be. I find that there will be times when I will wake up feeling very good and have a lot of energy to do the daily tasks. Those are what I consider good days. I like those kinds of days.

Other days seemingly insignificant things like conversations, or a tv show, or a song on the radio will bring up memories that are still very painful. When those types of experiences intrude unexpectadly on my subconscious mind, often I won't even be aware that something has been triggered in me until I finally allow myself to go to bed. That is when the lonelines and sadness seems to be the worst. The tears are sometimes torrents of anguish, and sometimes intermittent sprinkles laced with anger. Those nights are long and my restless mind begins to wonder when and if this time in my life will ever be over. When morning finally comes, it is usually with relief that I greet another new day. I try to overcome my exhaustion with gratitude and the realization that I am one day closer to true healing. Somedays it works, other times it is a little more challenging.

I thought perhaps with all I have learned about the creation process and the power of my mind and emotions, especially the emotional freedom technique, maybe this time I could just breeze on through without having to really go through the entire grief process. There is a plethora of information about going through this process. All the books and articles basically say the same thing as defined from one model used by most professionals in the field of grief counseling since 1969. There are supposedly specific stages that everyone goes through; Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, Acceptance. The professionals say it is a process the each person will experience differently but everyone has to go through the 5 stages before true grieving can even begin. The truth is grief is a complicated, multi-dimensional, individual process that can never be generalized in 5 stages. There is nothing linear about it and nothing really predictable.

I have decided to not worry about studying any more about the grief process and what I am or am not supposed to be feelings or experiencing. It is what it is. In the last few years I have experienced extreme loss. Those losses have affected me and my children in many ways; mentally, emotionally, physically, and energetically. For me, the experiences have hurt, but they have also served important purposes in what I see as one of the most important purposes of my life which is to learn all I can while in this physical realm. It has also strengthened me in far more ways than it taken me down.

My biggest challenge right now is still remembering all the lessons my life has already taught me and that all is well. I can be patient with myself as my body, mind, and spirit all find balance and harmony again. So for now I think I will continue to see myself not as going through any mandated stages of grief....instead I will continue to focus on healing and allow myself time and space to take as much time as I need.

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