The sweetness of life.

This last week has been full of challenges and adventures. The challenges included an innocent trip to the grocery store that nearly knocked me to my knees when I went to get Charla some chocolate and happened on the isle with the valentine candy. The memories came flooding so thick and fast I felt like had been transported by to 1975. I was a junior in high school and for the first time in my life I had a serious boyfriend who asked me to be his valentine. Every day for 2 weeks before February 14th, Jeff bought me different kinds of sweets. Each day he found new, creative ways to bestow me with that day's gift. On the 14th he gave me a small ring that was his promise of a love that he knew would continue forever. I in turn made him a warm fuzzy quilt that he cherished for years.

That first year set the tone for valentine's day for us. I always appreciated his thoughtfulness and creativity. Even when we were struggling in our marriage, Jeff put forth the effort to make the day special for me. When Jeff's addiction began to lose its grip, parts of the man that I had fallen in love with but had been in hiding began to emerge. I think it was Valentine’s Day about 9 years ago, he wrote me the sweetest note. It said: “Do you remember when we first fell in love? The whole world took on a brighter color and we felt happier, stronger, and more alive than we have ever been. Time stood still for us whenever we were together. Although time has passed, one thing hasn’t changed: when I stop and think about all we have been through together and all that we have shared, the world stands still once more and I have fallen in love with you again.”

When I read his little note describing his love for me, I wept. I did not see him as my Savior, but he was my hero. His hair might have faded somewhat and lost its reddish highlights, his face a little older, his armor, tarnished and battle scarred. But he still continued to bring sunshine and laughter into my life and made me feel like I was an angel. Each year we were together we created new, sweet memories.

One year, he left a box of chocolates on the table for me when he left for work early in the morning. What he had neglected to anticipate is that our 3 year old son would find it before I did. I could only giggle when I was woken up that morning to a chocolate covered face filled with absolute sheer delight. I did not mind sharing Jeff's token of love for me with my other sweetheart., but after that he was a bit more careful about how he bestowed his valentine's gifts, especially the candy.

Last year I was gone on Valentine's Day, but when I got back, I walked into a room filled with candles, romantic music, a gourmet meal, and Jeff dressed in red silk waiting expectantly to greet me in a way that he knew would bring tears to my eyes and fill my heart with gratitude for the love that we shared.

Another challenge I had this week was making the decision to pack up his things. I did ok until I got to his suits, especially his tux. Jeff loved dressing up and looking sharp. We bought the tux a few years ago with the hopes of him being able to wear it on several occasions such as cruises, and children's marriages. But he only wore it once, on valentine's day a couple of years ago when he took me to a romantic night at the symphony. Putting his tux away once again flooded my body with memories. I was suprised at how fast my heart began to beat and how it took my breath away just to hold it close to my face and smell a very faded remnant of his favorite cologne, Obsession.

Even now as I write about some of the memories, the tears fall. But it is not just sadness and grief. It is more gratitude that I know what it is like to feel loved so completely. I often told Jeff that I felt like I was one of the luckiest girls in the world to be married to such a kind, sensitive, romantic man. There are many people, even those who are in a marriage who have never experienced the kind of intimacy and connection that we worked so hard to achieve.

I'm not sure what how I will handle it in a couple of weeks when the day dedicatd to celebrating love comes and there is not anything new and special to look forward too from my sweetheart, but I am grateful for sweet memories to savor. Perhaps I will just allow myself to bask in the memories of the past and remember that the joy in reunion at some future point will be even sweeter because of what we have shared in the past. How grateful I am to have such a wealth of sweet memories to draw from. I'm not sure it will soften the blow of the present reality, but tonight I am in good space to believe that it is a possibility.

I am on a quest to discover my authentic self and to fall in love with who I truly am. Susan Jeffers wrote "today, take a risk that can change your life. start thinking of yourself as an artist and your life as a work-in-progress. Works-in-progess are never perfect. Art evolves. So does life. Art is never stagnant. Neither is life. The beautiful, authentic life you are creating for yourself and those you love is your art. It is the highest art."

I choose to believe that the sweetness in my life is not over. My challenge is to find other sources to fill those places in my heart that long for connection. It is a noble quest, worthy of my time and effort. It does not change the reality of the physical absence of my sweetheart, but it makes the loss more bearable by the promise of sweetness of life in the future.

Chris

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