Heart Attack

I was taking a nice long jacuzzi last night for no special reason except that I could. Sometimes I use it just as a means to relax and re-focus, other times I use it as a way to drown my sorrows. Last night was just meant to a relaxing time, but my spa time was interrupted by a very loud, persistent knocking on my door.

After finding a towel and quickly getting dressed I went to the door to find no one was there. However they had left their mark in the form of a "heart attack". My front door was covered in red paper hearts with notes of love as well as a treat. It was a delightful reminder that I am cared about.

This morning I woke up determined that I would not let February 14th be a day of sadness for me. Instead I would focus on what it has meant to me to love and to be loved. I got an email from www.myheartfeltblessings.com that I loved. There was a quote that made me ponder about the experiences of the last few months. "What is most remarkable is not that love is such a powerful force for good in our lives, but that so few of us are aware of how completely we are changed when we put loving others first"

Just reading it made me aware of how completely changed I became in learning how to love and serve in a way that was totally selfless. I have loved Jeff since I was 16 years old. But for many years that love was not really healthy. I was so emotionally dependant on him that I lost the essence of who I was. I believed in a romantic love that was based more on a Cinderella fairytale rather than on the reality of challenges in relationships.

I was determined to keep my husband on a pedestal and refused to acknowledge any weaknesses in him. As a result it was hard for him to be honest with me. It was also hard for me to be emotionally honest with him. We spent many years locked in cycles of frustration and confusion about what true love really means.

But we were determined to work on our relationship. Eventually we learned how to be conscious in our marriage and to communicate in healthier ways and the way I looked at love began to change as well.

When Jeff began to get sick, it was so easy for me to completely dedicate my life to serving him because of the type of love we had developed. Putting him first absolutely changed my life in some beautiful ways. How grateful I was to read that little quote this morning and remind me that even though he isn't here to help me celebrate the day the world has dedicateded to love, I can still celebrate love.

Well, it was a good sentiment and I tried. But honestly I will be really glad to have Valentine's Day over with. I loved having a "heart attack" yesterday. Perhaps next year my heart will be in better shape to give love back to others. For now, I will just try to appreciate how much loving someone completely helped me grow as a person.

Thanks Jeff. I still love you.

Chris

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