Surprised by Joy

I love my life. Does that sound like a strange thing for me to start out a blog with, especially knowing what I have experienced in the last few months? To be honest, it seems strange to me how easy it is for me to write about loving my life. That doesn't mean that I love everything that has happened. It does not mean that I don't miss my husband every day and that I am done grieving. It doesn't even mean that everything in my life is working out exactly how I want it to. What it does mean is that I am full of gratitude and am thankful for every single experience that has added to the discovery of who I am as well as who I am becoming. Charla and I drove to Spokane for the weekend. It has been good for me to be back here because it helps me to see how far I have come in the healing process.

Perhaps one of the reasons I have such feelings of joy and gratitude today is a little experience I had last night. I was ready for an adventure so I invited my nephew to go to the movies with me. As we were going into the theater, I ran into a dear friend of mine, someone I have not seen for almost 2 years. I have changed a lot since the last time we spent any time together, and at first she did not even recognize who I was, but when she did, she threw her arms around me in delight. She told me she often prays for me and was thrilled to see me so alive and so vibrant. I too was thrilled with how this dear friend of mine is doing because she is truly happy and I know that Jeff and I had an impact in her life. We talked and talked and talked right up until the movie I had gone to see was just about to begin. I'm sure my nephew was wondering if I had deserted him so I gave her one last hug and went into the theater. As I sat down, I could feel myself just vibrating with the high energy of gratitude, not just in seeing my friend, but also in catching up I was able to totally acknowledge the hand of the Lord in all things in my life.

Someone at church today asked me how I was doing, and immediately answered for me by making an assumption that I was just barely hanging in there. It caught me off guard a bit, and I answered "No, I am not just hanging on, I am moving forward." As soon as I said it, I knew it was true. and once again I was filled with a sense of joy and more gratitude.

I am a believer in the scripture that says "Men are that they might have joy." I have spent much time lately pondering on how it is possible to live in joy in a world where there is so much sorrow. I have come to the conclusion that joy is not something that can be controlled, forced, or coerced. It can never be found by pretending to be happy. It is not found in things or in instant gratification or pleasure. In fact I am not sure that joy is something that can be found at all. For in the anxious seeking of something so elusive, the desired outcome is missed all together. One of my favorite quote is found in the book "Power Vs Force" by David Hawkins. It states that "peace is the natural state of existance when that which prevents it is removed". I am thinking it is the same with joy. It is our natural state and will be felt when we let go of thoughts and feelings that prevent it's expression. Perhaps that is why it must go hand in hand with deep expressions of gratitude. The feelings of joy and its companion peace seem to sneak up on me unawares when I get out of the way, relax, and quit resisting the idea that my life should somehow be different than it is. I love the title of one of C.S. Lewis's books "Surprised by Joy". I have been delighted to be suprised as I have felt the stirrings of joy come back into my life. It is ok for me to love my life today.

Perhaps tomorrow it may be different, or maybe, just maybe tomorrow will be another delightful surprise.

It makes me look forward to getting up in the morning just to see what's ahead.

How delightful.

Chris

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