I Stand All Amazed

In giving my presentations at the Evergreen Conference, there just was not enough time to share everything I wanted to share. So I have decided to use this blog as a way to continue to share. The things I presented were received with such enthusiasm that I figure maybe the miracles can still continue.

So for this blog I am going to share the story of when Jeff was rebaptized. It came about because he followed this little recipe

He DECIDED WHAT HE WANTED
Then he ASKED
He chose to BELIEVE that what he wanted was possible
He ALLOWED the Savior to heal his heart
He RECEIVED with gratitude all the blessings that were available

For those who were at my presentation on the Atonement, this should sound familiar.
For those who weren't there, at some point in the future I will elaborate.

But for now, I am going to share what I wrote about Jeff's excommunication and healing.

With everything that came to light due to the HIV and Jeff’s confession, he was forced to face the one thing that he had dreaded the most-losing his membership in the church. I was out of town when he got the letter requesting his appearance at the church court. He didn’t tell me anything about it, but that Sunday, I was alone in my sister’s house when a feeling of absolute anguish and grief overcame me. Instinctively, I knew that something very powerful was happening to Jeff and that it had eternal consequences.
When I returned home, Jeff informed me that he had been excommunicated. It did not come as a surprise to me and I knew that what I had experienced the Sunday before was a result of the severing of our sealing. We cried together for all that had been lost. But it was also a new beginning. For the first time in years, Jeff didn’t have any secrets left. As difficult as it had been to face his peers in a church court, Jeff had made a full confession and taken responsibility for all his actions. He renewed the promise he had made to me years before that he was going to do whatever it took to become worthy once again.
His journey back to the light was long and difficult. Sometimes he shared his struggles with me and would re-assure me that he did have the desire to return to the path that would lead to true happiness. But often it felt like the harder he tried, the more obstacles were thrown in his path to deter his progress. His efforts to get his life back on track were fueled by the testimony that was ignited in him 26 years before. And though there were times every survival instinct in him told him to run away and fade into obscurity, he never could deny that which he knew to be true.
In spite of the heavy weight of the burden of guilt that pressed relentlessly on his soul, somehow he found the courage to believe that forgiveness was possible and he pressed forward in spite of the persistent efforts of the adversary to discourage him. As he worked to build on knowledge he had previously gained, he began to clearly see how the belief systems he had held about himself for so long had been crippling him. He recognized that much of what he felt about himself was based on childhood perceptions and misinformation and it was those beliefs that had kept him stuck in the bondage of addiction for so long.
The changes that came were slow, but very real. Sometimes there were setbacks, but as he continued to seek for the truth he began to have more and more control over his thoughts, feelings, and actions. Being a witness to the metamorphosis of his heart has been one of the most amazing experiences I have ever been privileged to be a part of.
Just a little more than 2 years after Jeff lost his membership in the church, he was finally ready. He now shared the same peace that my surrender had brought to me. Through his acceptance of the atonement in his life and true repentance, he had found complete freedom from the bondage of addiction and the thoughts and feelings that had plagued his life for years.
In honor of his victories, my parents and many of my other family members came to Florida to celebrate with us. When the day we had waited for finally came, it was a relief to get to the church and find that everything was in order. The doors were unlocked, the baptismal font filled, and the TV/VCR we had requested to have available was in the room waiting to be used. My brother began to play prelude music and even though we had anticipated a small, private service, there were many who wanted to share the day with us and the room began to fill with family, friends, and priesthood leaders. I smiled as one of the sisters in the room looked at her copy of the program and immediately came to the front and loaded up with the tissues she knew she would need.
There was an atmosphere of reverent anticipation as we waited for Jason and Emily to arrive with a friend who had called at the last minute to get a ride. I was a little anxious about my children getting there on time, but the bishop promised we would not start without them. So I took a few deep breaths, relaxed, and began to reflect on all that had happened. This time, the reflections were sweet.
Jeff was sitting beside me dressed in the same white jumpsuit he had worn when we were married twenty-two years before. He was visibly shaking and admitted to me that he was more nervous this time than he had been when he was first baptized.
And now sitting by his side as he prepared to once again make sacred covenants, my heart was filled with gratitude for the strength that his testimony of the truthfulness of the gospel had given him.
At last, everyone arrived and we could begin the service. There had been no doubt in Jeff's mind as to what music he wanted. He had asked Charla, who was home from college, to lead the opening hymn. She couldn't even get through the first line before the tears began to flow.
"I stand all amazed at the love Jesus offers me"
Her tears were matched by every person in the room as the message penetrated our hearts, but felt mostly deeply by Jeff. As I looked over at him through my own tears, I was amazed. His face, which was once darkened by sin, confusion and despair, was now shining with hope. His tears, which had once been shed only in sorrow, self-pity, and loneliness, were now tears of gratitude and love.
"Confused at the grace that so fully he offers me"
For years he had been confused. He had feelings he had not asked for and did not understand. He loved the Lord and his family, but he had done so many things that hurt us, and distanced him from his Father in Heaven, that for many years he didn’t know what love really meant. For as long as he could remember, he was confused about who he was, and doubted that he could ever really have peace. His life had been darkened by deep secrets protected by the conviction that if anyone knew what he had felt or done, he would be rejected. He had lost all love for himself, so he couldn’t believe that anyone, especially the Lord could still love him.
"I tremble to know that for me he was crucified, that for me a sinner he suffered he bled and died"
As he held my hand, I could tell that he was trembling, but not from fear and guilt as he had so many times in the past. This time, it was from excitement and gratitude. He had finally accepted the gift that the Savior had offered him and knew that somehow, what had happened in a garden so many years ago had made possible the events that were about to happen now. His trembling was pure joy in knowing that he had been forgiven and was worthy to be made clean.
"I marvel that he would descend from his thrown Divine, to rescue a soul so rebellious and proud as mine"
Fear and pride had kept him trying for years to overcome his weaknesses on his own. He had lived with the bondage of addiction and the excruciating pain of not ever feeling good enough. It wasn't that he had not believed in the atonement, it was more that he had failed so many times, he just couldn't conceive that it would ever be possible for him to live in such a way that he could take advantage of it.
"That he would extend his great love unto such as I, and for me a sinner, he suffered, he bled and died"
In his confusion and frustration, Jeff had broken every covenant he had ever made and had betrayed the trust that is the very foundation of marriage and family. His choices had not only alienated him from the Spirit, and cost him his membership in the church, but the consequences came close to destroying our family in a very real way as both my life and his were put at risk. As a man, he had tried to do everything in his power to make up for all that he had done. But there are some choices that have consequences beyond the power of any mere mortal to make right, which was why we all need a Savior. Now he had a new understanding of both the intimate and infinite power of the atonement. He had let go of the pride and fear and had given all that is really required, that of a broken heart and a contrite spirit, and had allowed the Savior to change his heart.
"Oh it is wonderful, that he could care for me, enough to die for me."
It was wonderful to me that the man I loved most in the world had chosen to love God more than he loved me. It was wonderful that he had accepted the Lord's invitation to follow him and let him carry the burden. It was wonderful to me to see him radiating with joy and surrounded by family and friends who knew all about him and loved him even more.
”Oh it is wonderful, wonderful to me!!"
I'm not sure who in the conggregation was actually singing. I know my own tears were constricting my voice and that Jeff had only been able to whisper a few of the words of the hymn. But each line resonated with absolute clarity of truthfulness to our hearts.
Jeff had asked my mother to offer the opening prayer. We had purposely put her in the front row so when the time came, we could turn her wheel chair around to face the congregation, but to my surprise, when we finished the opening hymn, she found the strength not only to stand, but to put voice to the words of gratitude we all felt. She thanked the Lord for answering the many prayers that had been offered on Jeff's behalf, not only here, but on the other side of the veil as well. As she said those words, my heart swelled with confirmation of that truth and I felt encompassed by the love of many more than I could see with my mortal eyes.
After the prayer, we watched a beautiful video that had familiar pictures of the Savior's life put to the words of the song "His Hands". One of the images that touched my heart deeply was the one depicting the scripture "Behold I stand at the door and knock". I remembered how sad it had made me years before when Jeff told me told me that he knew the Savior wanted to be let into his heart, but he was so angry that he had barred the door shut and turned up the volume in his mind so loudly that he couldn't hear the gentle pleadings. What a difference it had made in our lives when Jeff not only took down the bars of anger, pride, and fear, but had thrown the door wide open to let the Savior in and had invited him to be a permanent guest.
The final picture on the video was that of the Savior's wounded hands held out in invitation to come to him. With that image filling our minds, my father led Jeff to the font. I could see that they were both shaking and the mother instinct in me wanted to hold them, but I stood back and watched the miracle unfold. With a few sacred words and a simple action, the sins of my best friend were washed away and he came forth as clean as he was on the day of his physical birth. He fell into my father's waiting arms and wept with exquisite relief and joy.
As for me, words cannot adequately express the feelings of my heart. I only know that it was much like what I felt at the birth of each of my children. The joy was only made sweeter by the intensity of the pain it took to get to the moment.
A little while later, our joy was intensified as he had hands laid on his head and was once again made a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints and was given the precious gift of the Holy Ghost. When the blessing was complete, he turned to the men he had asked to participate. As each one in turn embraced him and told him of the love they had for him, I was very touched. I remembered his anguished words on the night of confession as he told me that what he had longed for the most was to have strong arms around him. And now to see that desire fulfilled in such a beautiful manifestation brought sweet confirmation that this was a direct answer to the many times I had pled with the Lord to help fill those longings.
During the time of his excommunication, Jeff’s voice had been silenced. But now as a worthy member of the Lord’s church, he was free to share his feelings in a formal church setting. His words of gratitude were choked by emotion, but there was no doubt as to the strength of his testimony as he shared with us his absolute knowledge of the power of the atonement and the reality of change. He made a public commitment to follow the One whose name he had once again taken upon himself and whose sacrifice had made this day possible.
After Jeff's remarks, we concluded by attempting once again to sing a hymn of praise. Never before had I felt such gratitude as I sang the words "How Great Thou Art". Fifteen-year old Jason offered the closing prayer and then those in the room rushed to embrace this man who had become such a hero to us all. Not because he had done anything the world would consider spectacular . . . but because he had done the simplest, yet hardest thing of all. He had given up the belief that he had to do it all on his own and accepted the invitation of the Lord to trust in him. That decision to surrender his will had changed his life and blessed the lives of anyone privileged enough to be associated with him.

The Lord stands at the door of each person's life gently letting us know that He is there and willing to help if only we will invite Him in.

Decide what you want
Ask
Believe
Allow
Receive

The gift of freedom and peace is available to all who truly seek.

Chris
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If you would like to email me directly: trueyouchris@gmail.com