I'm Alive!!

This last week has been a busy one for me. In February of last year I began a journey of undersanding myself that was completely life altering. I took the opportunity to participate in a Carol Tuttle seminar called the Vibrant Woman training. It is a system she was introducing called "Dressing Your Truth". The information was so simple and liberating that I made 2 decisions. The first was that I would never again go into hiding, but would honor who I was always meant to be. The 2nd was that I would do whatever it took to become certified to teach the information to others. It was awesome to finally know what I wanted to be when I grew up.

I learned that it was ok for me to be fun and random and a bit disconnected, in fact it was how I was designed. Before understanding this, I thought there was just something wrong with me because I could not do things the way others did and the way I thought I was supposed to. I knew I had some gifts, but mostly I just got frustrated with my weaknesses. Other words that describe my primary energy profile are fun, cute, enthusiastic, and inspiring. I knew that had been words that had once described me, but after Emily died, it felt like the very best part of me died with her and I basically went into hiding.

Hearing this information was the most liberating experience I have ever had and I was excited to learn it so I could then teach others. The following months were incredible to me as I learned more and more information, not only about myself but about others as well. It helped me understand why Jeff did not thrive in chaos like I did. I taught him the information as well and he began understanding me better too. In fact the last year of our marriage was by far the best of our lives in spite of the difficult challenges we faced.

I followed through on both decisions and was finishing up the certification process when Jeff got sick. My priorities changed and the Dressing Your Truth was put on the back burner for a time. In April I finally got my license and women who had patiently been waiting for me came to my first class. It was incredible to see their lives change as much as mine did.

It was the last class I taught for several months because although I was pretty much at peace in Jeff's passing, my body had things it was trying to communicate to me. I had been having some digestive problems from the time Jeff got sick, but I pretty much ignored them because my focus was on other things. Finally my body screamed at me to listen, and would no longer be ignored.

I did not know then how much of a toll it was taking on me or how much I was deteriorating. But those around me were aware that I was not doing well. In May, my body basically began shutting down. I ended up in the hospital do to dehydration. The doctors there told me there was basically nothing the medical field could do for me except to rehydrate me.

My family was very concerned about me because I was not even able to care for my own needs. My muscles were all deteriorating and I rapidly lost more weight. Because the heart is a muscle as well, it began to function poorly which made it so that my feet and ankles began to swell. For some time, I could hardly walk at all and was confined to bed.

I don't really know how to describe this time in my life except that it was very humbling. My thought processes were compromised as well and it took others recognizing the danger I was in to help me begin to do what was necessary for healing to begin.

My healing began by my being given an understanding that I had a choice. If I wanted to, I could go and be with Jeff and Emily and would be welcomed home. If I wanted to stay, I would be shown the way for my body to heal. The choice was not a difficult one for me. As much as I miss my husband and daughter, I was not ready to join them yet. The other thing that was foremost in my heart was that I was not willing to put my other children through one more death. I felt they still needed me here on earth as their mother and my love for them gave me the strength and courage to decide that as difficult as it seemed at the moment to live in my body, I wanted to stay.

When this decision was made, I felt more than heard the next question, "are you willing to go the distance?" Intuitively I knew that what I was being told that if indeed I wanted complete healing, I would have to be willing to face the deepest darkest issues in my life, bring them to the surface and then release them.

I was willing. It was the most difficult emotional, energetic work I have ever done. As painful memory after memory came forward, I acknowledged them, and released them using EFT. For 3 days I tetered back and forth between life and death. Although I thought I had made the choice, I was not sure I had the capacity to really do what it was going to take and my spirit longed to be free to soar to a more familiar setting.

That night as I crawled to the bathroom, I collapsed on the floor. In my agony I reached up to the heavens and pled for help. At that dark moment, alone in the dark I was not alone. The love for my children flooded my heart and my desire to live was strengthened, but I knew that on my own I was not strong enough. I then repeated the words I had heard from a wonderful move "Facing the Giants" and told my Father that no matter how long this took, or how difficult it was, I would choose to love Him. At that moment, I felt my body flooding with a warming light. I continued to lay on the floor and felt totally embraced in the sweet arms of eternal love.

From that point on each day my body got stronger and stronger. I spent most of my time visualizing what I wanted. My daughter Charla was getting married on June 16th in Spokane. I did not want my physical challenges to be any kind of a deterant on the joy of that union. So I would imagine over and over and over again dancing at the wedding. I did not focus on how that would be accomplished, I only knew what I wanted the outcome to be and kept telling my body that I was grateful that it was functioning so well. Over and over and over again I would say in my mind, "with every breath I take, my heart is getting stronger and stronger. My circulation is increasing and increasing. My body is accepting nourishment and is getting healthier and healthier. My energy is increasing and increasing."

Even though the darkest, ugliest memories and feelings had surfaced and been released, there were still more layers that came forward and I continued to process them easily and quickly. I began to care more for my own needs and everything that I was telling my body began to happen.

Just a few weeks after my own experience on the bathroom floor, I celebrated the marriage of my daughter. After the vows were said and the dinner served, my new son-in-law brought out his electric piano and the music began. It was delightful. I enjoyed just listening for a bit, then I went to the patio and joined the rest of the crowd in dancing in joyous celebration. As I moved my body and felt the energy surge, I tried not to let the tears dampen the mood. But what I was experiencing was exactly what I have been visualizing for the last 3 weeks. It was wonderful.

Since June I have gotten stronger and stronger. I am no longer in danger, but I do have to remind myself to listen to my body and allow it to rest.

This last week, I was able to go back and help staff at another Vibrant Woman training. On Friday morning, all the beautiful women in the class came to the front of the room and shared the joy of being uniquely ourselves by dancing. I was not familiar with the song we were dancing to, but the words to the chorus sunk deep into my heart and I lifted my arms in joyous gratitude and shouted "I'm Alive!!!" This time I did not squelch my tears. They flowed freely.

This last year has been the hardest year of my life. I have been challenged in more ways than I ever knew was even possible. But I am celebrating. I am now in partnership with my sister and my niece as part of the True You Team. We are teaching the Dressing Your Truth system. It has been phenominal to see the lives of so many other women be blessed in much the same way mine has been. We truly believe we are changing the world one woman at a time.
You can read more about it at www.celebratingthetrueyou.com

Life continues forward. It is good. I am full of gratitude.

Chris




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