I love reporting on miracles. They still occur.
This week has been very intense for me. Last fall my niece attended a workshop called "Awakening Soul Purpose" and has not been able to stop talking about it since then. When I first heard about it I definitely felt the stirrings in my heart telling me that this was something to pay attention to and I would know when the right time was.
I have to admit that the last few weeks I have been feeling somewhat lost, knowing that there was something I was supposed to be doing, but not exactly sure what it was. So when I got the invitation from Rossanne to go to the workshop in Salt Lake, I jumped at the chance.
On Tuesday as I was driving to Utah my mind was reflecting on many things and I was totally filled with gratitude. It was just one year ago that I went to bed and received a very personal message that if I did not go the hospital the next day, I would have a heart attack and die.
I didn't do any blogging at all last year because I was not in very good shape. My body was refusing nourishment and was shutting down. For months I had been barely able to function at all. It was a very difficult challenge for someone as active as me to have absolutely no strength or energy and to do nothing but lay around for days, weeks, and months on end.
So when I got the message that I could have a heart attack instead of slowly starving to death my first thought was, "oh that would be such an easy out, let me think about it for awhile." I then got a second message "and it would be ok if you did, you are totally prepared and you would be welcomed home". I have to admit that the thought of joining Jeff and Emily was very appealing and I did consider it. I knew that it really was my choice. If I did nothing, the results would end the problems I was having with this practice body of mine and I could go home.
As I pondered on the possibilities I thought of my children that were still here and realized that as appealing as the other option was I really did not want to put my family through one more death because they deserve to have at least one living parent. I also acknowledged that there was still more for me to do and that I am not a quitter.
So the next morning I had Jason take me to the emergency room for what I thought was going to be just a quick rehydration. Instead they admitted me to the hospital and put me in ICU and kept me on a heart monitor for 24 hours because my potassium levels were so low.
I was in the hospital for 10 days. I would love to say that from that point on I began to get better, but alas, that was not so.
I will tell the rest of the story on another blog because that isn't my purpose for writing tonight.
It was more that I was reflecting on where I was a year ago and where I am now. My heart was so full of gratitude. As my mind was caught up in these sweet thoughts, my attention was drawn to something that was playing on the radio. The words "even though we're apart, I'm sending roses from my heart" grabbed my attention and my heart skipped a beat and started doing the little pitter patter thing it always did when I would receive and unexpected gift from Jeff. Then the tears started falling as I remembered that the date was April 21. It was 30 years ago that we sealed our love across the marriage altar. In all my busyiness of preparing for my trip I had totally forgotten it was my anniversary.
As I always do on my anniversary I reflect on memories of past anniversaries especially the one 22 years ago. It was a very painful day because Jeff and I had separated. He was living in Seattle and I was living in Spokane trying to decide whether or not to continue to do the work it would take to make our marriage last. I had told Jeff I only had a small glimmer of hope that I clung too.
On our anniversary, he sent me a dozen roses. 11 red ones and one white one right in the middle. There was a note attached saying that the white one represented my glimmer of hope.
It was so sweet. I sent him a thank you note with the message that his gesture alone made my little glimmer of hope burst forth in brilliance and somehow I knew that we would make it.
Every year after that our anniversary was truly a celebration of our love and determination to create an eternal relationship. Almost every year Jeff would give me a mixture of red and white roses.
As I heard the words to this song and realized the significance of yet another miracle with Jeff, the gratitude that I had been feeling earlier intensified. I probably should have pulled over because the tears were falling so hard and fast I couldn't see very well.
Instead I just kept driving and allowed myself just to bask in the warmth of a love that is truly eternal. Even if he is not here on the physical realm we are still connected. I can't guarantee that I am done with the whole grieving process. I loved the roses he sent in the only way he could, but I would not be honest if I didn't also admit that even though I am doing much better than I have, I still miss him like crazy.
I have no doubt that I made the right decision in not checking out last year because I know I still have a purpose for being here.
Tomorrow I will write more about the experience I had at Soul Purpose Intensive and why I am absolutely determined to follow thru with what I know I am supposed to do.
Thanks for reading my little ramblings.
Chris
If you would like to email me directly: trueyouchris@gmail.com
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