It is hard for me to believe that it has been so long since I have written anything here. Much has happened. Many times I have wondered at the reality of my life right now and have shed many tears of loneliness and pain. But all is well.
Isn't that an interesting, but profound statement? In the tai chi routine I teach the last movement is reaching our hands outward in full extension , then bringing the hands back together in prayer position in front of our hearts, breathing in deeply on the extension and exhaling slowly in conclusion. It is an awesome excercise, but the power is added when we add the words..."All is well".
At any given moment, all can truly be well. Things might be falling apart all around us with no foreseeable answers coming any time soon. But when we take the time to step away even for a moment and accept that in this one small moment of time all is well, something happens inside to calm our racing hearts and give a place for peace to reside. The trick is in adding up the small moments and stringing them together so they become more than just nuggets.
Someone once told me they enjoyed being around me because I was such a peaceful person. It made me ponder how much has changed in my life. There was a time when my anxiety was intermitently interrupted by moments of peace. Even though I thought I lived in faith and understood what that meant, fear was my constant companion. It was an exhausting way to live and extremely damaging to my body.
I have already written on this blog what a difference it made to me to surrender by understanding what it means to truly trust in the Lord. From that day forward I have only had moments of anxiety.
I do have to admit that the last few months have brought up a plethora of feelings that I continue to work through. I still have been mostly at peace, but oh my, it has been a journey with many unexpected twists and turns.
I really wanted it to be easier.
One thing that has been interesting to me has been how much grief affects the body. The sweet experiences I had surrounding Jeff's death and my sure knowledge of where he is now, seems to be irrelevant when it comes to the way my body continues to let me remember that things are different in my life.
Each day I remind myself that I have choices.
Lately I have found that I have been choosing to take care of myself be very careful to not run faster than is wise. I am grateful to have a good support system here that is helping me to just be.
Perhaps I will post more on this blog as it is healing for me. Perhaps not. I will just continue to move forward, even if sometimes I feel as if it just a snail's pace. I have no expectations, only hope.
All is well
Chris
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