I'm Alive!!

This last week has been a busy one for me. In February of last year I began a journey of undersanding myself that was completely life altering. I took the opportunity to participate in a Carol Tuttle seminar called the Vibrant Woman training. It is a system she was introducing called "Dressing Your Truth". The information was so simple and liberating that I made 2 decisions. The first was that I would never again go into hiding, but would honor who I was always meant to be. The 2nd was that I would do whatever it took to become certified to teach the information to others. It was awesome to finally know what I wanted to be when I grew up.

I learned that it was ok for me to be fun and random and a bit disconnected, in fact it was how I was designed. Before understanding this, I thought there was just something wrong with me because I could not do things the way others did and the way I thought I was supposed to. I knew I had some gifts, but mostly I just got frustrated with my weaknesses. Other words that describe my primary energy profile are fun, cute, enthusiastic, and inspiring. I knew that had been words that had once described me, but after Emily died, it felt like the very best part of me died with her and I basically went into hiding.

Hearing this information was the most liberating experience I have ever had and I was excited to learn it so I could then teach others. The following months were incredible to me as I learned more and more information, not only about myself but about others as well. It helped me understand why Jeff did not thrive in chaos like I did. I taught him the information as well and he began understanding me better too. In fact the last year of our marriage was by far the best of our lives in spite of the difficult challenges we faced.

I followed through on both decisions and was finishing up the certification process when Jeff got sick. My priorities changed and the Dressing Your Truth was put on the back burner for a time. In April I finally got my license and women who had patiently been waiting for me came to my first class. It was incredible to see their lives change as much as mine did.

It was the last class I taught for several months because although I was pretty much at peace in Jeff's passing, my body had things it was trying to communicate to me. I had been having some digestive problems from the time Jeff got sick, but I pretty much ignored them because my focus was on other things. Finally my body screamed at me to listen, and would no longer be ignored.

I did not know then how much of a toll it was taking on me or how much I was deteriorating. But those around me were aware that I was not doing well. In May, my body basically began shutting down. I ended up in the hospital do to dehydration. The doctors there told me there was basically nothing the medical field could do for me except to rehydrate me.

My family was very concerned about me because I was not even able to care for my own needs. My muscles were all deteriorating and I rapidly lost more weight. Because the heart is a muscle as well, it began to function poorly which made it so that my feet and ankles began to swell. For some time, I could hardly walk at all and was confined to bed.

I don't really know how to describe this time in my life except that it was very humbling. My thought processes were compromised as well and it took others recognizing the danger I was in to help me begin to do what was necessary for healing to begin.

My healing began by my being given an understanding that I had a choice. If I wanted to, I could go and be with Jeff and Emily and would be welcomed home. If I wanted to stay, I would be shown the way for my body to heal. The choice was not a difficult one for me. As much as I miss my husband and daughter, I was not ready to join them yet. The other thing that was foremost in my heart was that I was not willing to put my other children through one more death. I felt they still needed me here on earth as their mother and my love for them gave me the strength and courage to decide that as difficult as it seemed at the moment to live in my body, I wanted to stay.

When this decision was made, I felt more than heard the next question, "are you willing to go the distance?" Intuitively I knew that what I was being told that if indeed I wanted complete healing, I would have to be willing to face the deepest darkest issues in my life, bring them to the surface and then release them.

I was willing. It was the most difficult emotional, energetic work I have ever done. As painful memory after memory came forward, I acknowledged them, and released them using EFT. For 3 days I tetered back and forth between life and death. Although I thought I had made the choice, I was not sure I had the capacity to really do what it was going to take and my spirit longed to be free to soar to a more familiar setting.

That night as I crawled to the bathroom, I collapsed on the floor. In my agony I reached up to the heavens and pled for help. At that dark moment, alone in the dark I was not alone. The love for my children flooded my heart and my desire to live was strengthened, but I knew that on my own I was not strong enough. I then repeated the words I had heard from a wonderful move "Facing the Giants" and told my Father that no matter how long this took, or how difficult it was, I would choose to love Him. At that moment, I felt my body flooding with a warming light. I continued to lay on the floor and felt totally embraced in the sweet arms of eternal love.

From that point on each day my body got stronger and stronger. I spent most of my time visualizing what I wanted. My daughter Charla was getting married on June 16th in Spokane. I did not want my physical challenges to be any kind of a deterant on the joy of that union. So I would imagine over and over and over again dancing at the wedding. I did not focus on how that would be accomplished, I only knew what I wanted the outcome to be and kept telling my body that I was grateful that it was functioning so well. Over and over and over again I would say in my mind, "with every breath I take, my heart is getting stronger and stronger. My circulation is increasing and increasing. My body is accepting nourishment and is getting healthier and healthier. My energy is increasing and increasing."

Even though the darkest, ugliest memories and feelings had surfaced and been released, there were still more layers that came forward and I continued to process them easily and quickly. I began to care more for my own needs and everything that I was telling my body began to happen.

Just a few weeks after my own experience on the bathroom floor, I celebrated the marriage of my daughter. After the vows were said and the dinner served, my new son-in-law brought out his electric piano and the music began. It was delightful. I enjoyed just listening for a bit, then I went to the patio and joined the rest of the crowd in dancing in joyous celebration. As I moved my body and felt the energy surge, I tried not to let the tears dampen the mood. But what I was experiencing was exactly what I have been visualizing for the last 3 weeks. It was wonderful.

Since June I have gotten stronger and stronger. I am no longer in danger, but I do have to remind myself to listen to my body and allow it to rest.

This last week, I was able to go back and help staff at another Vibrant Woman training. On Friday morning, all the beautiful women in the class came to the front of the room and shared the joy of being uniquely ourselves by dancing. I was not familiar with the song we were dancing to, but the words to the chorus sunk deep into my heart and I lifted my arms in joyous gratitude and shouted "I'm Alive!!!" This time I did not squelch my tears. They flowed freely.

This last year has been the hardest year of my life. I have been challenged in more ways than I ever knew was even possible. But I am celebrating. I am now in partnership with my sister and my niece as part of the True You Team. We are teaching the Dressing Your Truth system. It has been phenominal to see the lives of so many other women be blessed in much the same way mine has been. We truly believe we are changing the world one woman at a time.
You can read more about it at www.celebratingthetrueyou.com

Life continues forward. It is good. I am full of gratitude.

Chris




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I Stand All Amazed

In giving my presentations at the Evergreen Conference, there just was not enough time to share everything I wanted to share. So I have decided to use this blog as a way to continue to share. The things I presented were received with such enthusiasm that I figure maybe the miracles can still continue.

So for this blog I am going to share the story of when Jeff was rebaptized. It came about because he followed this little recipe

He DECIDED WHAT HE WANTED
Then he ASKED
He chose to BELIEVE that what he wanted was possible
He ALLOWED the Savior to heal his heart
He RECEIVED with gratitude all the blessings that were available

For those who were at my presentation on the Atonement, this should sound familiar.
For those who weren't there, at some point in the future I will elaborate.

But for now, I am going to share what I wrote about Jeff's excommunication and healing.

With everything that came to light due to the HIV and Jeff’s confession, he was forced to face the one thing that he had dreaded the most-losing his membership in the church. I was out of town when he got the letter requesting his appearance at the church court. He didn’t tell me anything about it, but that Sunday, I was alone in my sister’s house when a feeling of absolute anguish and grief overcame me. Instinctively, I knew that something very powerful was happening to Jeff and that it had eternal consequences.
When I returned home, Jeff informed me that he had been excommunicated. It did not come as a surprise to me and I knew that what I had experienced the Sunday before was a result of the severing of our sealing. We cried together for all that had been lost. But it was also a new beginning. For the first time in years, Jeff didn’t have any secrets left. As difficult as it had been to face his peers in a church court, Jeff had made a full confession and taken responsibility for all his actions. He renewed the promise he had made to me years before that he was going to do whatever it took to become worthy once again.
His journey back to the light was long and difficult. Sometimes he shared his struggles with me and would re-assure me that he did have the desire to return to the path that would lead to true happiness. But often it felt like the harder he tried, the more obstacles were thrown in his path to deter his progress. His efforts to get his life back on track were fueled by the testimony that was ignited in him 26 years before. And though there were times every survival instinct in him told him to run away and fade into obscurity, he never could deny that which he knew to be true.
In spite of the heavy weight of the burden of guilt that pressed relentlessly on his soul, somehow he found the courage to believe that forgiveness was possible and he pressed forward in spite of the persistent efforts of the adversary to discourage him. As he worked to build on knowledge he had previously gained, he began to clearly see how the belief systems he had held about himself for so long had been crippling him. He recognized that much of what he felt about himself was based on childhood perceptions and misinformation and it was those beliefs that had kept him stuck in the bondage of addiction for so long.
The changes that came were slow, but very real. Sometimes there were setbacks, but as he continued to seek for the truth he began to have more and more control over his thoughts, feelings, and actions. Being a witness to the metamorphosis of his heart has been one of the most amazing experiences I have ever been privileged to be a part of.
Just a little more than 2 years after Jeff lost his membership in the church, he was finally ready. He now shared the same peace that my surrender had brought to me. Through his acceptance of the atonement in his life and true repentance, he had found complete freedom from the bondage of addiction and the thoughts and feelings that had plagued his life for years.
In honor of his victories, my parents and many of my other family members came to Florida to celebrate with us. When the day we had waited for finally came, it was a relief to get to the church and find that everything was in order. The doors were unlocked, the baptismal font filled, and the TV/VCR we had requested to have available was in the room waiting to be used. My brother began to play prelude music and even though we had anticipated a small, private service, there were many who wanted to share the day with us and the room began to fill with family, friends, and priesthood leaders. I smiled as one of the sisters in the room looked at her copy of the program and immediately came to the front and loaded up with the tissues she knew she would need.
There was an atmosphere of reverent anticipation as we waited for Jason and Emily to arrive with a friend who had called at the last minute to get a ride. I was a little anxious about my children getting there on time, but the bishop promised we would not start without them. So I took a few deep breaths, relaxed, and began to reflect on all that had happened. This time, the reflections were sweet.
Jeff was sitting beside me dressed in the same white jumpsuit he had worn when we were married twenty-two years before. He was visibly shaking and admitted to me that he was more nervous this time than he had been when he was first baptized.
And now sitting by his side as he prepared to once again make sacred covenants, my heart was filled with gratitude for the strength that his testimony of the truthfulness of the gospel had given him.
At last, everyone arrived and we could begin the service. There had been no doubt in Jeff's mind as to what music he wanted. He had asked Charla, who was home from college, to lead the opening hymn. She couldn't even get through the first line before the tears began to flow.
"I stand all amazed at the love Jesus offers me"
Her tears were matched by every person in the room as the message penetrated our hearts, but felt mostly deeply by Jeff. As I looked over at him through my own tears, I was amazed. His face, which was once darkened by sin, confusion and despair, was now shining with hope. His tears, which had once been shed only in sorrow, self-pity, and loneliness, were now tears of gratitude and love.
"Confused at the grace that so fully he offers me"
For years he had been confused. He had feelings he had not asked for and did not understand. He loved the Lord and his family, but he had done so many things that hurt us, and distanced him from his Father in Heaven, that for many years he didn’t know what love really meant. For as long as he could remember, he was confused about who he was, and doubted that he could ever really have peace. His life had been darkened by deep secrets protected by the conviction that if anyone knew what he had felt or done, he would be rejected. He had lost all love for himself, so he couldn’t believe that anyone, especially the Lord could still love him.
"I tremble to know that for me he was crucified, that for me a sinner he suffered he bled and died"
As he held my hand, I could tell that he was trembling, but not from fear and guilt as he had so many times in the past. This time, it was from excitement and gratitude. He had finally accepted the gift that the Savior had offered him and knew that somehow, what had happened in a garden so many years ago had made possible the events that were about to happen now. His trembling was pure joy in knowing that he had been forgiven and was worthy to be made clean.
"I marvel that he would descend from his thrown Divine, to rescue a soul so rebellious and proud as mine"
Fear and pride had kept him trying for years to overcome his weaknesses on his own. He had lived with the bondage of addiction and the excruciating pain of not ever feeling good enough. It wasn't that he had not believed in the atonement, it was more that he had failed so many times, he just couldn't conceive that it would ever be possible for him to live in such a way that he could take advantage of it.
"That he would extend his great love unto such as I, and for me a sinner, he suffered, he bled and died"
In his confusion and frustration, Jeff had broken every covenant he had ever made and had betrayed the trust that is the very foundation of marriage and family. His choices had not only alienated him from the Spirit, and cost him his membership in the church, but the consequences came close to destroying our family in a very real way as both my life and his were put at risk. As a man, he had tried to do everything in his power to make up for all that he had done. But there are some choices that have consequences beyond the power of any mere mortal to make right, which was why we all need a Savior. Now he had a new understanding of both the intimate and infinite power of the atonement. He had let go of the pride and fear and had given all that is really required, that of a broken heart and a contrite spirit, and had allowed the Savior to change his heart.
"Oh it is wonderful, that he could care for me, enough to die for me."
It was wonderful to me that the man I loved most in the world had chosen to love God more than he loved me. It was wonderful that he had accepted the Lord's invitation to follow him and let him carry the burden. It was wonderful to me to see him radiating with joy and surrounded by family and friends who knew all about him and loved him even more.
”Oh it is wonderful, wonderful to me!!"
I'm not sure who in the conggregation was actually singing. I know my own tears were constricting my voice and that Jeff had only been able to whisper a few of the words of the hymn. But each line resonated with absolute clarity of truthfulness to our hearts.
Jeff had asked my mother to offer the opening prayer. We had purposely put her in the front row so when the time came, we could turn her wheel chair around to face the congregation, but to my surprise, when we finished the opening hymn, she found the strength not only to stand, but to put voice to the words of gratitude we all felt. She thanked the Lord for answering the many prayers that had been offered on Jeff's behalf, not only here, but on the other side of the veil as well. As she said those words, my heart swelled with confirmation of that truth and I felt encompassed by the love of many more than I could see with my mortal eyes.
After the prayer, we watched a beautiful video that had familiar pictures of the Savior's life put to the words of the song "His Hands". One of the images that touched my heart deeply was the one depicting the scripture "Behold I stand at the door and knock". I remembered how sad it had made me years before when Jeff told me told me that he knew the Savior wanted to be let into his heart, but he was so angry that he had barred the door shut and turned up the volume in his mind so loudly that he couldn't hear the gentle pleadings. What a difference it had made in our lives when Jeff not only took down the bars of anger, pride, and fear, but had thrown the door wide open to let the Savior in and had invited him to be a permanent guest.
The final picture on the video was that of the Savior's wounded hands held out in invitation to come to him. With that image filling our minds, my father led Jeff to the font. I could see that they were both shaking and the mother instinct in me wanted to hold them, but I stood back and watched the miracle unfold. With a few sacred words and a simple action, the sins of my best friend were washed away and he came forth as clean as he was on the day of his physical birth. He fell into my father's waiting arms and wept with exquisite relief and joy.
As for me, words cannot adequately express the feelings of my heart. I only know that it was much like what I felt at the birth of each of my children. The joy was only made sweeter by the intensity of the pain it took to get to the moment.
A little while later, our joy was intensified as he had hands laid on his head and was once again made a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints and was given the precious gift of the Holy Ghost. When the blessing was complete, he turned to the men he had asked to participate. As each one in turn embraced him and told him of the love they had for him, I was very touched. I remembered his anguished words on the night of confession as he told me that what he had longed for the most was to have strong arms around him. And now to see that desire fulfilled in such a beautiful manifestation brought sweet confirmation that this was a direct answer to the many times I had pled with the Lord to help fill those longings.
During the time of his excommunication, Jeff’s voice had been silenced. But now as a worthy member of the Lord’s church, he was free to share his feelings in a formal church setting. His words of gratitude were choked by emotion, but there was no doubt as to the strength of his testimony as he shared with us his absolute knowledge of the power of the atonement and the reality of change. He made a public commitment to follow the One whose name he had once again taken upon himself and whose sacrifice had made this day possible.
After Jeff's remarks, we concluded by attempting once again to sing a hymn of praise. Never before had I felt such gratitude as I sang the words "How Great Thou Art". Fifteen-year old Jason offered the closing prayer and then those in the room rushed to embrace this man who had become such a hero to us all. Not because he had done anything the world would consider spectacular . . . but because he had done the simplest, yet hardest thing of all. He had given up the belief that he had to do it all on his own and accepted the invitation of the Lord to trust in him. That decision to surrender his will had changed his life and blessed the lives of anyone privileged enough to be associated with him.

The Lord stands at the door of each person's life gently letting us know that He is there and willing to help if only we will invite Him in.

Decide what you want
Ask
Believe
Allow
Receive

The gift of freedom and peace is available to all who truly seek.

Chris
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Still Alive

I am here. I am alive. I am ready to become visible again. It has been quite some time since I have posted to this blog. Much has happened since then. Some I will share. Other things I will just keep private. And that’s ok, because after all, it is my blog and I can share what I want.
Today I did something that I thought would be difficult, but instead turned out to be a phenomenal experience.
Several months ago, I was approached about the possibility of being a presenter at the Evergreen Conference in Salt Lake. Evergreen is an organization that is dedicated to helping those who struggle with same sex attraction, but wish to find healing through Jesus Christ.
Jeff and I actually have presented at the conference a couple of times before. The last time was in 2001. The conference was scheduled to begin on September 15th. We had tickets to fly from Florida to Salt Lake on September 12. But as we watched the horror of 911 unfold before our eyes and our Salt Lake flight was canceled, we had new choices to make. It would have been easy to just chuck the whole thing, but as we looked at each other we decided that we would not let evil designs stop us from doing something that we felt was important. So we loaded up the car and took off on an adventure. We took our oldest son with us to help with the driving and 35 hours later at 3:00 in the morning, we were driving through Emigration Canyon.
We gave our first presentation at 9:00 that morning. It was a wonderful experience and was worth all the trouble it took to get there.
Several months ago I was once again approached by the Evergreen Committee inviting me to be a presenter. I have to admit when I received the invitation, it was a very difficult decision to even think that it would be ok for me to go to this conference without him. I did not make an immediate decision, but allowed myself to grieve the idea of missing him. Eventually I did choose to take a day, fly down to Salt Lake and share a message of hope with a group of really awesome people.
It is 11:00 now and I just did get back from the airport. I am doing a 5 K in the morning with the Boise Women's Fitness Celebration so I need to go to bed.
I just wanted to share a little bit about what is going on in my life. I had such a great time sharing our story today that I think maybe it will be ok for me to come back to this and continue to share in my journey. I am moving forward in amazing ways. But today was a really good day to help me remember why I loved my husband so much. It was important for me to remember. I am not stuck in the past but everything that has happened in my life has helped me become who I am today. I am grateful.

Chris

All Is Well

It is hard for me to believe that it has been so long since I have written anything here. Much has happened. Many times I have wondered at the reality of my life right now and have shed many tears of loneliness and pain. But all is well.

Isn't that an interesting, but profound statement? In the tai chi routine I teach the last movement is reaching our hands outward in full extension , then bringing the hands back together in prayer position in front of our hearts, breathing in deeply on the extension and exhaling slowly in conclusion. It is an awesome excercise, but the power is added when we add the words..."All is well".

At any given moment, all can truly be well. Things might be falling apart all around us with no foreseeable answers coming any time soon. But when we take the time to step away even for a moment and accept that in this one small moment of time all is well, something happens inside to calm our racing hearts and give a place for peace to reside. The trick is in adding up the small moments and stringing them together so they become more than just nuggets.

Someone once told me they enjoyed being around me because I was such a peaceful person. It made me ponder how much has changed in my life. There was a time when my anxiety was intermitently interrupted by moments of peace. Even though I thought I lived in faith and understood what that meant, fear was my constant companion. It was an exhausting way to live and extremely damaging to my body.

I have already written on this blog what a difference it made to me to surrender by understanding what it means to truly trust in the Lord. From that day forward I have only had moments of anxiety.

I do have to admit that the last few months have brought up a plethora of feelings that I continue to work through. I still have been mostly at peace, but oh my, it has been a journey with many unexpected twists and turns.

I really wanted it to be easier.

One thing that has been interesting to me has been how much grief affects the body. The sweet experiences I had surrounding Jeff's death and my sure knowledge of where he is now, seems to be irrelevant when it comes to the way my body continues to let me remember that things are different in my life.

Each day I remind myself that I have choices.

Lately I have found that I have been choosing to take care of myself be very careful to not run faster than is wise. I am grateful to have a good support system here that is helping me to just be.

Perhaps I will post more on this blog as it is healing for me. Perhaps not. I will just continue to move forward, even if sometimes I feel as if it just a snail's pace. I have no expectations, only hope.

All is well

Chris








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Surprised by Joy

I love my life. Does that sound like a strange thing for me to start out a blog with, especially knowing what I have experienced in the last few months? To be honest, it seems strange to me how easy it is for me to write about loving my life. That doesn't mean that I love everything that has happened. It does not mean that I don't miss my husband every day and that I am done grieving. It doesn't even mean that everything in my life is working out exactly how I want it to. What it does mean is that I am full of gratitude and am thankful for every single experience that has added to the discovery of who I am as well as who I am becoming. Charla and I drove to Spokane for the weekend. It has been good for me to be back here because it helps me to see how far I have come in the healing process.

Perhaps one of the reasons I have such feelings of joy and gratitude today is a little experience I had last night. I was ready for an adventure so I invited my nephew to go to the movies with me. As we were going into the theater, I ran into a dear friend of mine, someone I have not seen for almost 2 years. I have changed a lot since the last time we spent any time together, and at first she did not even recognize who I was, but when she did, she threw her arms around me in delight. She told me she often prays for me and was thrilled to see me so alive and so vibrant. I too was thrilled with how this dear friend of mine is doing because she is truly happy and I know that Jeff and I had an impact in her life. We talked and talked and talked right up until the movie I had gone to see was just about to begin. I'm sure my nephew was wondering if I had deserted him so I gave her one last hug and went into the theater. As I sat down, I could feel myself just vibrating with the high energy of gratitude, not just in seeing my friend, but also in catching up I was able to totally acknowledge the hand of the Lord in all things in my life.

Someone at church today asked me how I was doing, and immediately answered for me by making an assumption that I was just barely hanging in there. It caught me off guard a bit, and I answered "No, I am not just hanging on, I am moving forward." As soon as I said it, I knew it was true. and once again I was filled with a sense of joy and more gratitude.

I am a believer in the scripture that says "Men are that they might have joy." I have spent much time lately pondering on how it is possible to live in joy in a world where there is so much sorrow. I have come to the conclusion that joy is not something that can be controlled, forced, or coerced. It can never be found by pretending to be happy. It is not found in things or in instant gratification or pleasure. In fact I am not sure that joy is something that can be found at all. For in the anxious seeking of something so elusive, the desired outcome is missed all together. One of my favorite quote is found in the book "Power Vs Force" by David Hawkins. It states that "peace is the natural state of existance when that which prevents it is removed". I am thinking it is the same with joy. It is our natural state and will be felt when we let go of thoughts and feelings that prevent it's expression. Perhaps that is why it must go hand in hand with deep expressions of gratitude. The feelings of joy and its companion peace seem to sneak up on me unawares when I get out of the way, relax, and quit resisting the idea that my life should somehow be different than it is. I love the title of one of C.S. Lewis's books "Surprised by Joy". I have been delighted to be suprised as I have felt the stirrings of joy come back into my life. It is ok for me to love my life today.

Perhaps tomorrow it may be different, or maybe, just maybe tomorrow will be another delightful surprise.

It makes me look forward to getting up in the morning just to see what's ahead.

How delightful.

Chris

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Heart Attack

I was taking a nice long jacuzzi last night for no special reason except that I could. Sometimes I use it just as a means to relax and re-focus, other times I use it as a way to drown my sorrows. Last night was just meant to a relaxing time, but my spa time was interrupted by a very loud, persistent knocking on my door.

After finding a towel and quickly getting dressed I went to the door to find no one was there. However they had left their mark in the form of a "heart attack". My front door was covered in red paper hearts with notes of love as well as a treat. It was a delightful reminder that I am cared about.

This morning I woke up determined that I would not let February 14th be a day of sadness for me. Instead I would focus on what it has meant to me to love and to be loved. I got an email from www.myheartfeltblessings.com that I loved. There was a quote that made me ponder about the experiences of the last few months. "What is most remarkable is not that love is such a powerful force for good in our lives, but that so few of us are aware of how completely we are changed when we put loving others first"

Just reading it made me aware of how completely changed I became in learning how to love and serve in a way that was totally selfless. I have loved Jeff since I was 16 years old. But for many years that love was not really healthy. I was so emotionally dependant on him that I lost the essence of who I was. I believed in a romantic love that was based more on a Cinderella fairytale rather than on the reality of challenges in relationships.

I was determined to keep my husband on a pedestal and refused to acknowledge any weaknesses in him. As a result it was hard for him to be honest with me. It was also hard for me to be emotionally honest with him. We spent many years locked in cycles of frustration and confusion about what true love really means.

But we were determined to work on our relationship. Eventually we learned how to be conscious in our marriage and to communicate in healthier ways and the way I looked at love began to change as well.

When Jeff began to get sick, it was so easy for me to completely dedicate my life to serving him because of the type of love we had developed. Putting him first absolutely changed my life in some beautiful ways. How grateful I was to read that little quote this morning and remind me that even though he isn't here to help me celebrate the day the world has dedicateded to love, I can still celebrate love.

Well, it was a good sentiment and I tried. But honestly I will be really glad to have Valentine's Day over with. I loved having a "heart attack" yesterday. Perhaps next year my heart will be in better shape to give love back to others. For now, I will just try to appreciate how much loving someone completely helped me grow as a person.

Thanks Jeff. I still love you.

Chris

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Moving Forward-Bumps Ahead

The last couple of weeks have been a bit of a blur for me. I made a rather quick decision to attend an Easy Tai Chi syposium in Georgia. It was awesome. I was able to spend some time with both of my sons in Florida, went to the cemetery where Emily is buried, spent a lot of time walking and crying on the beach, met wonderful new friends that were true kindred sprits, had a meeting with a new business contact for the medical supply business, and became certified to teach what is called 4 minute fitness. (www.easytaichi.com)

I am very excited about teaching something that has had such a profound effect in my life. In May, I was introduced to this amazing form of mind/body/spirit exercise by a woman who just looked very physically fit. When she was asked what kind of workout she did, she told us about Easy Tai Chi and showed us the 4 minute Fitness routine. I was totally impressed and knew that it was something I could commit to learning and doing. I ordered the DVD and loved how easy but effective it was. I loved the way it made me feel, so I started sharing it with others.

A month or so ago, I began leading some of the women at church in an informal tai chi class. The results have been very rewarding, even if I really didn't have much knowledge. After last weekend, I feel very confident that I can lead a class very effecively as well as present the information about 4 minute fitness to very large groups in a seminar situation that can be really awesome for business, schools, and communities. People who hire me to teach will be seen as heroes in their organizations. I like that idea.

I am also scheduling 2 abundance seminars, one in Boise Feb 23 and 24th and one in Spokane March 2nd and 3rd. I am loving my life and am excited about feeling like it is ok for me to move forward.

There is still grief. There are still situations that I call the "knives in the heart", like getting off the plane in Tampa and being bombarded by the memories of the last time I was in that airport with Jeff right after we buried Emily. Just walking on the beach at Jekyll Island was excruciating for me because Jeff loved the beach so much. He would have lived there if he could have. That was always where he went to find serenity and peace. I walked for hours, crying as well as doing quite a bit of yelling. It was very therapuetic.

At church today we had a lesson called Tragedy or Destiny. It was mostly about death and how to view it. I was a bit surprised at my feeling and responses. It was not a sad lesson for me. Nor was it difficult to hear about other people's experiences with death. Mostly I just felt great compassion for myself as well as others. The only comment I made was that one of the things I hold on to is knowing that there will come a time when the depth of sorrow I feel now will be compensated 10 fold with a degree of joy that is almost in comprehensible to me right now. But I choose not to wait until some future time to experience joy. I believe it is available to me in any given moment if I choose to open my heart and allow it in. To me joy comes from knowledge and understanding. It also comes in other ways that helps remind me of the existence of Supreme love and a plan for my eternal happiness. I love sharing that joy with others.

It does not take away the reality of loss, but death loses its sting when I choose to believe in Christ's victory over it. This kind of faith works very well for me. It has given me strength. It has comforted me. It has given me a very different perspective on issues of life and death.
Mostly it has helped me feel deep and profound gratitude for my Savior. My greatest desire in life is to be a window to his love so that others might come to know Him and feel the peace and healing that is available to all who desire, ask, believe, allow, and receive.

It is good to feel good about moving forward. I will still be loving and gentle with my body and my spirit. Shortly before Jeff died I went to my sister's house for a brief respite. I had to chuckle at a sign on the road announcing "bumps ahead". How appropriate it was for that time in my life. I think it might be good for me to just keep remembering that yes, there will probably be many "bumps ahead". But I can still keep moving forward.

Life is good.



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My Miracle

Last night as I was writing, I became very aware of some deep emotions that were trying to surface. This morning I realized I never finished the process to publish what I had written last week. But what I have to share had a huge impact on my life, so I needed to finish writing. The emotion that was trying to surface was my old familiar companion, fear. This time the fear had to do with something I have been avoiding for quite some time...going to the doctor.

I'm sure some of that avoidance is just plain old pride, but there was a much deeper fear as well. Without going into any specifics here let's just say that with all that has happened in the last 6 months since I last had lab work done, I was afraid that my immune system had been compromised to such an extent that I would be pressured to go back on drugs to combat the HIV virus in my own body. Years ago when Jeff and were both diagnosed as being HIV + we both did exactly as our doctors told us and began a regiment of anti retroviral drugs, "the triple cocktail" as it was referred to.

It was a horrible experience for me especially. I was told the main side effect might be fatigue. I was not told that the fatigue meant I woul not be able to lift my arm off the bed for weeks. I was also not informed that other side effects would be so debilitating for me that I would lose an entire year of my life.

It was only when I made the choice to cut my drug intake in half that I found any kind of relief. Jeff had come to exactly the same kind of conclusion, although the side effects for him had not been quite as devestating as they were for me. For the next 3 years we continued to take the drugs, even though at half the dosage, they still made us sick. When we moved back to Spokane, we lost our insurance which brought up new challenges for us. Being self employed we tried to find other insurance, but because of Jeff's cancer and our HIV status, the premiums were exhorbitant. I began doing research to find out more about the disease and alternatives to the very expensive drugs. One thing that made sense to me was that nutrition played a huge role in keeping the virus under control. So Jeff and I both made the decision to become very pro-active with nutrition and to discontinue taking the drugs.

It worked. We both began to feel better than we had in years. I finally began shedding some of the excess weight my body had produced in an effort to protect my vital organs from the toxicity of the meds. I had energy and strength like I had not had in a very long time. I was determined that this was a good answer. We both did very well until we got the news about Emily's death.

It was devestating to us both, but we grieved in very different ways. I chose to feel everything that came up fully and then release the emotions so they did not stay stuck in my body and in my energy fields. On the other hand, Jeff internalized everything. He also took on a very personal responsibility for her death and did what he always did when faced with difficult challenges; He worked very hard. When his father passed away just a year later, he continued on with his pattern of internalizing. As a result, his immune system took a beating. The disease that had been very controlled before began to take hold once again. In the end, his body could no longer function and his life here ended.

The reason I share this is to just help the reader understand my fears about getting my own labs done. But I made a promise to myself that I would use wisdom when it comes to my own health issues which means getting my labs done and visiting with the doctor about the state of my health.

Ok, so back to my sleepless night and revisiting my old compantion, fear. I chose to acknowledge its existence and just allow myself to observe how it felt in my body. It was an interesting process. It was not a worry session, mostly just an interesting experience in communicating with myself. I had a discussion with myself about worst case scenarios. From our experience, I have come to believe that the whole AIDS issue has as much to do with emotional issues as it does with a virus. I decided that no matter what I was told at the doctor, I felt good about the path of wholeness and wellness that I have been on. I was able to sleep soundly and thanked my fear companion for bringing feelings to my awareness.The next day I was quite calm as I went to visit with the doctor. It was a lovely visit. We spent quite a bit of time talking about the experience of Jeff's death and the choices I have made in how to progress through the grief process. It was actually very affirming for me to have him tell me how refreshing it was to spend time talking with me because in his practice he deals mostly with crisis situations. Seldom does he meet with someone who has taken responsibility for their own care and wellness.

When we finally got down to discussing my labs, I was ready to intelligently face whatever the results were. I was beyond delighted when he told me where my T-cells were. Rather than going down, they had jumped significantly. He was surprised to recognize that my body is not just maintaining, but it is healing in spite of the significant stress that it has undergone. He saw no need to put me on any meds at this point and just told me to continue doing whatever it is I have been doing, because obviously it is working. He is very curious to see what happens with me, because it is not something he has seen before. I promised to come back in another month to monitor my progress.

I left the doctor's office with a feeling of total gratitude and humility. I already knew that the path that I have been on is right for me, but it was nice to have hard evidence to show my children, so they won't worry so much about me. I understand their concern. They lost one parent to a disease that supposedly has no cure, they have a valid point in wanting me to stay healthy. It is my desire as well. When Jeff got sick, I wanted so much for him to be an HIV miracle. I wanted him to be able to overcome the effects of the disease without relying on drugs. But this wasn't his path. His miracles came in other ways.

But perhaps this can be my miracle. I believe we live in a day of miracles. Why not me? My mind is open to possibilities, my heart is full of gratitude and my body and spirit are healing.

If I can be a witness of the awesome time of light that we are coming into, I will shout it from the rooftops. What an awesome time we live in.

Chris

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Meeting Life's Challenges

Look at this, I am writing 2 days in a row. Is that a good sign? I don't really have any profound thoughts tonight, but it has been a good day. In one of the meeting at church this morning I was put on the spot a bit. The lesson was basically about how to handle challenges in life, when we feel as if we are in the eye with hurricane winds raging around us. I do not consider myself an expert on handling difficult challenges, only someone with a lot of experience.

I did share a bit of my philosphy in life about making choices every day to choose to feel all my emotions to the fullest which means that even though I do feel sadness, grief, and sorrow very deeply, it also means I keep my heart open to feel the joy as well.

I was pressed a little bit about what kind of foundation I have that has helped me through those storms in life. It was good for me to pause for a moment and check in with myself before answering the question. It was easy. No matter what has happened in the last few years, I have found the source of my strength from the Savior. I can't say that I have been perfect in asking and receiving. In fact, most of the time, when those hurricane winds got really, really fierce, it would take me some time to remember where to turn to for peace.

I have a favorite symbolish about getting to a place where we can feel the love of God. But on the way to the desired results, sometimes there are mists of darkness that come up and cloud our way. To help us reach our destination, there is a rod of iron put in place that helps us keep pressing forward. I used to visualize that scene as a bunch of people pressing forward in a line moving forward with their hands sliding along the rod with the mists of darkness sometimes blinding the way. Now I see those mists as the raging hurricane force winds bringing profound darkness. Forward progress during those times is virtually impossible because it takes every ounce of energy and effort just to cling with the tightest grip we can possibly muster until the winds calm down a bit and we can actually see the light and press forward again.

For me, there have been many times, my strength enough was not alone to hang on. But I made choices, almost daily to remember what I know and receive strength beyond my own capacity. Those days when I didn't remember, it was more difficult to hold on to any grip of sanity. The days I did remember were still difficult, but it was easier to cope and I found that I could still have peace which has been my ultimate goal for a long time.

I am very grateful for all the experiences I have had in my life that has given me opportunity to experiment and develop many coping skills. I have learned that no matter what outside influences are hammering out our peace, we always have a choice in our attitude. Every emotion we experience is our body trying to get our attention. When we try to numb out, or burn out, or do anything we can to avoid feeling, that is when we get in trouble and our body takes more drastic measures to get our attention by creating illness. This is just a philosophy I have found works in my own life. When I choose to be present in my body so that I can feel the sorrow, sadness, fear or anger as they I arise, I can then release them to a power greater than myself when I am ready to. I can also take responsibility for those things which are within my personal power to change and choose to take action if necessary. In so doing I become active, not reactive without inflicting pain or be disprespectful of others.

Wow, that seems like a lot of pschobabble, but it truly is the way I have learned to live my life. Someone once told me they could never go through the things I have because they just weren't that strong. (This was about 6 years ago) I responded by telling them that I didn't get through things because I was strong, I got stronger by having lots of opportunities for growth and choosing to look to a higher source to give me the strength to not just endure and get through them, but to learn life lessons along the way.

We each have opportunities every day to make choices about how we face challenges in life. I love knowing that it is up to me to create joy and that I have a creation coach whose soul purpose is to bring about my success.

It is an awesome plan. I love remembering what I know and allowing myself to just be me. I am not a perfect person by any means. I have weaknesses that keep me humble. But I am a peaceful person. I acknowledge the hand of the Lord in my life in all things. He is my rock and my foundation. Sometimes I forget that, but luckily He never forgets me. His hands are always outstretched and his invitation is constant. No matter what challenges I face in the future, the choice will always be mine as to how to face it. From personal experience, believe me, it is easier when I choose not to go it alone, but to accept the Savior's invitation to cast my very heavy mortal burdens on his very capable celestial shoulders. I sure hope I can continue to remember my own advice. Sometimes it is easier than others. Oh well, such is the biggest challenge of my life.

Chris

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The sweetness of life.

This last week has been full of challenges and adventures. The challenges included an innocent trip to the grocery store that nearly knocked me to my knees when I went to get Charla some chocolate and happened on the isle with the valentine candy. The memories came flooding so thick and fast I felt like had been transported by to 1975. I was a junior in high school and for the first time in my life I had a serious boyfriend who asked me to be his valentine. Every day for 2 weeks before February 14th, Jeff bought me different kinds of sweets. Each day he found new, creative ways to bestow me with that day's gift. On the 14th he gave me a small ring that was his promise of a love that he knew would continue forever. I in turn made him a warm fuzzy quilt that he cherished for years.

That first year set the tone for valentine's day for us. I always appreciated his thoughtfulness and creativity. Even when we were struggling in our marriage, Jeff put forth the effort to make the day special for me. When Jeff's addiction began to lose its grip, parts of the man that I had fallen in love with but had been in hiding began to emerge. I think it was Valentine’s Day about 9 years ago, he wrote me the sweetest note. It said: “Do you remember when we first fell in love? The whole world took on a brighter color and we felt happier, stronger, and more alive than we have ever been. Time stood still for us whenever we were together. Although time has passed, one thing hasn’t changed: when I stop and think about all we have been through together and all that we have shared, the world stands still once more and I have fallen in love with you again.”

When I read his little note describing his love for me, I wept. I did not see him as my Savior, but he was my hero. His hair might have faded somewhat and lost its reddish highlights, his face a little older, his armor, tarnished and battle scarred. But he still continued to bring sunshine and laughter into my life and made me feel like I was an angel. Each year we were together we created new, sweet memories.

One year, he left a box of chocolates on the table for me when he left for work early in the morning. What he had neglected to anticipate is that our 3 year old son would find it before I did. I could only giggle when I was woken up that morning to a chocolate covered face filled with absolute sheer delight. I did not mind sharing Jeff's token of love for me with my other sweetheart., but after that he was a bit more careful about how he bestowed his valentine's gifts, especially the candy.

Last year I was gone on Valentine's Day, but when I got back, I walked into a room filled with candles, romantic music, a gourmet meal, and Jeff dressed in red silk waiting expectantly to greet me in a way that he knew would bring tears to my eyes and fill my heart with gratitude for the love that we shared.

Another challenge I had this week was making the decision to pack up his things. I did ok until I got to his suits, especially his tux. Jeff loved dressing up and looking sharp. We bought the tux a few years ago with the hopes of him being able to wear it on several occasions such as cruises, and children's marriages. But he only wore it once, on valentine's day a couple of years ago when he took me to a romantic night at the symphony. Putting his tux away once again flooded my body with memories. I was suprised at how fast my heart began to beat and how it took my breath away just to hold it close to my face and smell a very faded remnant of his favorite cologne, Obsession.

Even now as I write about some of the memories, the tears fall. But it is not just sadness and grief. It is more gratitude that I know what it is like to feel loved so completely. I often told Jeff that I felt like I was one of the luckiest girls in the world to be married to such a kind, sensitive, romantic man. There are many people, even those who are in a marriage who have never experienced the kind of intimacy and connection that we worked so hard to achieve.

I'm not sure what how I will handle it in a couple of weeks when the day dedicatd to celebrating love comes and there is not anything new and special to look forward too from my sweetheart, but I am grateful for sweet memories to savor. Perhaps I will just allow myself to bask in the memories of the past and remember that the joy in reunion at some future point will be even sweeter because of what we have shared in the past. How grateful I am to have such a wealth of sweet memories to draw from. I'm not sure it will soften the blow of the present reality, but tonight I am in good space to believe that it is a possibility.

I am on a quest to discover my authentic self and to fall in love with who I truly am. Susan Jeffers wrote "today, take a risk that can change your life. start thinking of yourself as an artist and your life as a work-in-progress. Works-in-progess are never perfect. Art evolves. So does life. Art is never stagnant. Neither is life. The beautiful, authentic life you are creating for yourself and those you love is your art. It is the highest art."

I choose to believe that the sweetness in my life is not over. My challenge is to find other sources to fill those places in my heart that long for connection. It is a noble quest, worthy of my time and effort. It does not change the reality of the physical absence of my sweetheart, but it makes the loss more bearable by the promise of sweetness of life in the future.

Chris

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Simple Abundance

I was visiting with a friend of mine at church today who lost her mother suddenly in October. She told me that she had been surprised how easily she handled everything that needed to be done for weeks on very little sleep, but about 6 weeks later her body shut down and she crashed. She is just now barely starting to function again.

This sounded oh so familiar to me. It has been such a strange experience to feel like I have been living in slow motion mostly just being an observer watching my body go through the motions of bare existence. For the last several weeks I have wondered where I disappeared to. I have written a few things here and there, but for the most part I have just been giving my body, mind, and spirit time to heal. I have spent some time visualizing my life as I want it to be while fully acknowledging that for now the most important thing I can do for myself is just continue allow things to flow in whatever natural course they may take.

This morning when I woke up, I realized I had slept all night long and felt familiar indications of my own lifesigns returning. It was a delicious very welcome feeling. I am still coughing a little and my voice is still rather hoarse, but I am hopeful that perhaps my body is finally rebounding.

I don't know what will happen tomorrow or the next day, or the next. No doubt there will be other days where functioning might come to a screetching halt. I am sure there will be many more times in the future when I will get news like I did the other day telling me that a friend of ours had suddenly passed away. Immediately I felt the pain of his wife as sharp as if it were my own again. Oh how my heart aches for what she is going to be going through once the shock wears off.

A few weeks ago, I took the suggestion of a dear friend of mine to read a book called "Simple Abundance, A Daybook of Comfort and Joy by Sarah Ban Breathnach. It is a delightful series of short essays written as an epiphany for each day of the year to assist women in discovering their authentic selves. It is about new beginnings and transforming with ease into becoming who we truly were meant to be.

I have to admit that when I first received the book I was glad that each day's essays were so short because that way I felt I could truly keep at least one commitment to myself to read the wisdom of each day. As I began to immerse myself in the messages, I felt stirrings of a deep longing in my heart for inner peace, not just a reprieve from the grief of all the losses I have experienced, but serenity in truly knowing myself.

I remember writing something profound for myself in the post I entitled "Clash of the Titans". It was something to the affect that the worse possible scenario was not that Jeff would die, but that he would die and I would remain the same person. Well I am not the same person, but I am now seeing the possibility that there is hope that as a direct result of everything I have experienced, I am finally remembering who I truly am.

When I take an inventory of the things I am grateful for, I realize I am a very rich woman indeed. I might have a few temporary cash flow limitations, but my heart overflows with gratefulness and I know that serenity is a gift that is my inheritance and available for the true seeker.

This day I choose to appreciate all that is good in my life. I choose to see the future as full of awesome opportunities to create joy. I choose to acknowledge that there will be many more moments of sorrow, sadness, and grief but I choose to see them as just that...moments.

I choose to live in the simple abundance that will bring me the joy I desire.

This is how I feel tonight. What a relief. I am now giving myself permission to go to bed and welcome what tomorrow will bring.

Chris

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Stages of Grief (?)

I am still here, still moving forward, still making plans for the future, still allowing my body mind, and spirit to heal, still having a hard time sleeping alone, and still finding myself often in the depths of grief. I am also still seeking for simple joys and miracles in living every day.

Sometimes I wonder if I will ever truly feel normal again or if I can even remember what that feels like. Perhaps what's more important is that I allow normal to be just feeling every day even if I am not in total control of what those feelings may be. I find that there will be times when I will wake up feeling very good and have a lot of energy to do the daily tasks. Those are what I consider good days. I like those kinds of days.

Other days seemingly insignificant things like conversations, or a tv show, or a song on the radio will bring up memories that are still very painful. When those types of experiences intrude unexpectadly on my subconscious mind, often I won't even be aware that something has been triggered in me until I finally allow myself to go to bed. That is when the lonelines and sadness seems to be the worst. The tears are sometimes torrents of anguish, and sometimes intermittent sprinkles laced with anger. Those nights are long and my restless mind begins to wonder when and if this time in my life will ever be over. When morning finally comes, it is usually with relief that I greet another new day. I try to overcome my exhaustion with gratitude and the realization that I am one day closer to true healing. Somedays it works, other times it is a little more challenging.

I thought perhaps with all I have learned about the creation process and the power of my mind and emotions, especially the emotional freedom technique, maybe this time I could just breeze on through without having to really go through the entire grief process. There is a plethora of information about going through this process. All the books and articles basically say the same thing as defined from one model used by most professionals in the field of grief counseling since 1969. There are supposedly specific stages that everyone goes through; Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, Acceptance. The professionals say it is a process the each person will experience differently but everyone has to go through the 5 stages before true grieving can even begin. The truth is grief is a complicated, multi-dimensional, individual process that can never be generalized in 5 stages. There is nothing linear about it and nothing really predictable.

I have decided to not worry about studying any more about the grief process and what I am or am not supposed to be feelings or experiencing. It is what it is. In the last few years I have experienced extreme loss. Those losses have affected me and my children in many ways; mentally, emotionally, physically, and energetically. For me, the experiences have hurt, but they have also served important purposes in what I see as one of the most important purposes of my life which is to learn all I can while in this physical realm. It has also strengthened me in far more ways than it taken me down.

My biggest challenge right now is still remembering all the lessons my life has already taught me and that all is well. I can be patient with myself as my body, mind, and spirit all find balance and harmony again. So for now I think I will continue to see myself not as going through any mandated stages of grief....instead I will continue to focus on healing and allow myself time and space to take as much time as I need.

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Lessons in the School of LIfe

I can't believe it has been 5 days since I have written anything on this blog. I haven't dropped off the face of the earth. I have just been "Lost" literally. The one thing Charla and I got ourselves for Christmas was the 1st season of the TV show "Lost" Jeff and I watched it together last Christmas and were planning on watching the 2nd season this year. Charla had not seen any of it, so we started at the beginning as soon as I got back home from Arizona. It is not like me to sit and watch anything for hours on end.

But the truth is, for now, I am just letting it be ok. I am sure people wonder about me and how I am doing. I don't ever really know how to answer them. I wrote this to a friend of mine a few days ago.

Thanks for caring. Each day seems to bring new challenges for me. Some days I do really well and I feel totally strong and ready to face the world. Other days I shrink into my own private world and just let the earth continue to rotate on it's axis.

It is so strange. I never believed that he could really die, although subconsciously I have been preparing for it for a long time. And now that he is gone, I am having a hard time figuring out who the person is that stares back at me in the mirror.

I don't like the fact that the more time goes by, that harder it seems to get. I handled things so well during the months, weeks, days, hour, and minute before he died. Now my body just feels a little bit like silly putty. I know that I will get through it. I have amazing tools to help me, but it is hard for me to be patient with myself and allow the process.

Like I wrote in a previous post, I have been having some health concerns. Yesterday one of my sisters called me and invited me to pick up my other sister and spend some time together so that perhaps they could help me figure out some things.

I valued the time we spent together. It helped me understand myself much better. One thing that came forward was rather surprising to me. It had to do with a very familiar companion that once rarely left my side . . . fear. Last week I wrote about the very life changing decision I made to choose to trust in the Lord. Once I made that choice, fear was not something I allowed myself to ever dwell on again. Oh, it would come knocking at my door on occasion, but I would quickly dismiss it by remembering the choice I made.

Well apparantly, it did not allow itself to be dismissed quite so readily. Even though my mind and spirit recognized there was no need to dwell on the fear, and for the most part through everything that has happened over the last few months, I have remained in peace, but apparantly my body did not get the message.

Even now as I type this, my body reminds me that fear is a teaching emotion that needs to be acknowledged and addressed, not just dismissed. I have known for several weeks that my physical self was trying to tell me something, but I did not understand the message. The fear wasn't anything I really thought consciously about, it was more a default program that kept running in my background. Of course I was aware of it, but somehow I thought that if I acknowledged the existence of all the fears, they would somehow consume me and it would mean that my faith and trust was lacking. I did not feel like I could afford that.

Looking back, it seems so silly, but it was the only way I knew how to cope with all that was happening. I have said over and over again that the only way I know how to deal with grief is to feel all my feelings to the fullest, express them in appropriate ways, and then release them.
That has worked well for me.

I got a little newsletter from Hospice a couple of days ago concerning the grieving process. Even though I have had experience with it, the things I read helped me understand myself a little better.

It said: "As a culture we want everything to be quick and easy. We don't want to savor the feelings any more than we want to savor the wide range of our varied experiences. Like all else that we hurry through in life, we may be obsessed with getting through our pain as quickly as possible. Even though we can temporarily deny our pain, it still exists. It will eventually erupt in some way, maybe at an inappropriate moment or during another upset or illness. It is always better to admit strong feelings and to feel them, and to move through them in order to move beyond them."

That made sense to me, I have done that with the grief. But I have not allowed myself to do that with the fear. Instead what I have done when I have felt its ominous presence is give myself permission to feel it very briefly, then dismiss it quickly. As a result, my body has created some very uncomfortable patterns that have caused me quite a bit of pain...and wouldn't you know it, more fear that I refused to acknowledge...quite a little recurring trap I unwittingly set for myself.

What I learned as I was talking with my sisters was that by acknowledging the existence of a this big emotion, it does not mean I am lacking in faith, it only means I am still quite human. I saw an article once entitled "Fear, I Embrace You" The title alone was enough to make me quite sure it was not something I wanted to read. But obviously the concept intrigued me because years later, I still remember it.

So last night I made some new choices. I chose to listen to my body in a way that it needs to be heard. This does not mean I have to dwell on fear and become consumed. It only means I am no longer going to be a dismissive parent who refuses to acknowledge a child's right to feel. I can acknowledge anger, or fear, or frustration in a way that does not just readily dismiss them, but more a way to observe them, learn from them, virtually embrace them in my mind so that they won't get out of control in my body. Usually when children's fears are acknowledged, the adult can rationally and calmly help the child recognize the truth.

This was a huge lesson for me. One I need to probably remind myself often so that it will become the new default. It might take awhile. I am trying to be patient with myself as I continue this process of learning in the continuing school of life. Sometimes I wonder exactly how many preqrequisites of suffering, pain, and patience I need to take before I can really be ready for the advanced classes of creating joy that I am quite sure I signed up for.

Chris

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I Love a Miracle

Ok, so this blog is about miracles. Last night I watched a football game. It is not a typical thing for me to do. I do not hate football, but it isn't something that is really high on my list of activities to choose. But it was New Year's day. It seemed an appropriate thing to do, especially since I am stying in Glendale Arizona right now, about a mile from the stadium where the Fiesta Bowl was being played.

It was touted as a Cinderalla match up between Oklahoma a known football powerhouse and Boise State University, a team that was only invited to the big bowl game because of its undeafeted record.

I decided it was only fitting that I give the game some of my attention since I am after all a recent resident of Boise. After the first 2 minutes of the game, I was captured. I watched it with an intensity that totally surprised me. I was rooting for the underdogs. I wanted to believe in miracles.

It was by far the most exciting, intense, nail biting, exhilarating sports event I think I have ever watched, with the outcome so astonishing that we all just let our jaws drop in unbelief before we started screaming in delight.

I think the thing that impressed me the most is that they didn't give up. They knew what they wanted, they didn't let little setbacks keep them from focusing on the victory. They didn't let the opinion of others dictate how they should behave in a situation that was deemed as being way over their head. They just believed.

Just so you know I am not alone in my adoration of what happened here in Glendale on New Year's night. This is what Sports Illustrated said of the game.

When it was over, even Hollywood couldn't have scripted a more dramatic ending. This was the ultimate underdog story of a team that believed from the start, refused to give up even when it looked bleak and pulled off the improbable. It's one thing for a Cinderella team to upset a heavily favored opponent, but c'mon, this was ridiculous.
A desperation fourth-down hook-and-lateral touchdown pass to tie the game at the end of regulation? A fourth-down receiver option touchdown pass to tie it in overtime? A do-or-die Statue of Liberty two-point conversion run to win the game? The star player proposing to the captain of the cheerleading squad after crossing the goal line?
Boise State's mind-numbing 43-42 victory over Oklahoma in the Fiesta Bowl on Monday night had everything and will go down as one of best games in college football history.

http://sportsillustrated.cnn.com/2007/writers/arash_markazi/01/02/inside.boise/index.html

I love these kind of true life Cinderella stories especially when it is about people who believe miracles can happen. It was an awesome way to begin a new year. I guess it will be ok for me to unite myself in Boise with that kind of an attitude. Go Bronco Nation!!

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