The Key (the short version)

This last week I faced a very difficult challenge. At first it seemed like just a simple collection of coincidences that were nothing more than irritating, but as time progressed, and the issue at hand remained unresolved, I began to see disconcerting patterns in my life that brought up feelings of frustration, fear, and anger that have been foreign to my thoughts and feelings for quite some time.

To help you understand my feelings, I need to set the stage. My energy type is such that it is not a rare occasion for me to either misplace objects or forget where I have put something. In times past, my husband would chide me about when I was late because I was looking for my shoes, wallet, or keys which happened on a regular basis. These events would always leave me full of self doubt and frustration at weaknesses I couldn’t seem to overcome.

As I began to heal and recognize how my important my thoughts were to the outcome of my life, I let go of seeing myself as a forgetful person and instead made very concerted efforts to remember. It has been a long time since I have lost anything for more than a few minutes.

Until this week…

Wednesday evening I had a strange experience of knowing that something was in my hands and having it completely disappear. Knowing there had to be some sort of rational explanation I went to bed with a gnawing feeling that something wasn’t quite right in my world.

Thursday morning, I got up and prepared myself for school as usual. When I got to my car, I realized that I was a bit earlier than usual so decided to go back upstairs and grab something to eat. After I ate a hard boiled egg I gathered my things again, but realized my keys were missing. I clearly remembered having them in my hands a few minutes before when I had headed out the door the first time. At first, I just wondered where I had put them down and began looking around. I knew exactly where I had been, but once again within less than 24 hours something that had been in my hands had slipped away. The frustration I had felt the night before re-surfaced and I began to look in more earnest. My frustration began to turn to dismay as I realized that I had not listened a few weeks ago when I had received the distinct impression to get another key made because with only one set of keys there could be expensive ramifications if ever this set of keys was lost.

I expanded my searching perimeters thinking that perhaps I had blocked something out of my mind as to my actions of the last hour. Feelings of guilt at the state of my bedroom replaced dismay, and I saw with clarity how I had let my busyness with school give me a good excuse to let go of the need of being tidy. I assumed that somehow my weaknesses were the cause of once again misplacing something important. Time itself was slipping away and I began to panic because I knew that if I didn’t get to school on time I would miss an important test I had been studying for. My search became frantic and I overturned everything in sight thus creating even more chaos then had been there before.

Finally I realized that if I wanted to get anywhere I needed help beyond my own resources. I swallowed my pride and went down to borrow my sister’s car so I could get to my class. On the way to school I reflected on all that had happened and the little prayer I was accustomed to asking whenever I need assitance in finding something was amplified and I began asking in earnest for help beyond my own ability. I then did my best to set aside my frustrations and concentrated on the tasks of the day figuring that when I wasn’t in such a hurry I could do a better job of searching.

When I got home I once again did a thorough search of both my mind, and then my dwellings. But once again, my search was futile. I went to sleep only to wake up a short time later in almost a full blown panic attack with emotions of dread and anxiety. As much as I tried, I could not dismiss the images of all that I have lost in the last 12 years including little things such as jobs, a house, and 2 cars, as well as losing my beloved daughter and husband. In every situation it was as if those things I loved the most, just slipped through my fingers and nothing I tried to do could stop the pattern.

After a very restless night, I once again began my search. This time, I methodically cleaned and organized the chaos around me. As I cleaned I thought of the parable of the lost coin and tried to feel the joy that would come when that which was hidden was revealed. Another thought also seared my mind as memories of another desperate search surfaced. The remembrance was of a time when the scope of the search was much greater and virtually impossible. Shortly after Jeff and I began to date we decided to skip school and take an unscheduled trip to Mt Spokane. I clearly remember that fall was in the air and the first snows covered the top of the mountain we were hiking. When we got back to the car panic set in as we realized the keys to the car had somehow been dropped while playing in the snow. Through humility, prayer, and faith, Jeff and I were led to the exact spot where the illusive keys were laying, just waiting for us to find them. It was a a witness neither of us could ever deny of the power of prayer.

As the thoughts and memories of other answered prayers and rescues entered my mind, my feelings once again changed. I just couldn’t figure out why I was led in the past with such dramatic and immediate results over a much greater terrain, but now in circumstances that by comparison were so miniscule, I felt utterly and completely left alone and it made me angry. Other memories of circumstances that didn’t make sense to me flooded my body and mind and I began to shake. Luckily I have a wonderful tool belt that I was able to take out and use to help reduce the powerful feelings that surfaced so I allowed myself to feel the emotions and using EFT, I just tapped away until I was once again at peace. I then allowed my heart to expand with trust, hope, gratitude and love.

I still had no idea where the silly keys were, but a concerned friend who understood my dilema told me all I really needed to do was just take proof of ownership and the VIN number of the car to the Nissan dealership and I could get another key made, so I decided to not put any more energy into trying to find the lost key. However, when I called to verify the information about getting a duplicate key, my peace once again vanished as I was told the only way to get another key would be to have the car towed to the dealership and then have a locksmith come and make a new key. Once again a slippery feeling began to take control and I even began to worry about my very sanity. There was no way I was going to spend that much money for something that seemed so ridiculous. After all, keys don’t just vanish into thin air and I figured as soon as I did that, the keys would show up and $200 would have just slipped through my fingers for nothing. Once again I spent a restless night and tried valiantly to remember how feelings of trust, gratitude, and joy could replace despair, discouragement, and frustration.

The next morning I prepared to go back to the final of a 3 part class on Positive Thinking. One of my assignments was to write a short paper on my thoughts of the week. I was honest as I described the kaleidoscope of emotions and thoughts of the last few days including the feelings of confusion and frustration which were still simmering below the surface.

Much of the class was only a reminder to me of tools I already knew how to use, including EFT, which I am already very familiar with. I was so consumed with my current problem that I allowed my mind to wander somewhat rather than pay attention. But something my professor said jarred me back to the present moment and though I had no idea what was actually being discussed at the time, I wrote down “Look elsewhere” on the front of my notebook. As I did, I realized that nothing I had tried was working so if I wanted a solution to my problem I needed to try a new approach.

So I began to pay attention to what was being taught and fully participated in attempting to create the one thing I really desired at the moment, which was to find my lost keys. I wrote out affirmations, explored my emotions and drew a lovely picture of what i desired. I included a depiction of a hidden key with statements I expected to hear after the key was found. Words such as such as awesome!!!” “ way to go” and “ good job!!!” were splashed all over my paper as well as other messages like “ Hidden things are revealed” and “The way is opened” . When we did our visualization I even saw myself telling an amazing story to a captive audience, but somehow the ending still eluded me so I just allowed myself to stay in the feeling of victory and let go of desperately needing to know when and how the final outcome would be revealed.

On the way back to the house, an idea popped into my head. I was so excited I could hardly wait to get home and try it out. I allowed myself to bask in the feelings of joy and gratitude I knew I would feel after it was all over. I have been reading Power VS Force by David Hawkins so I thought that perhaps the key to finding my keys was to get in touch with a higher power in a way that I had not yet attempted. I have done a lot of muscle testing in the past and had good success. But this time, I knew how vested I was in getting an answer, so I asked my sister if she would help me out by testing for strong and weak. So we began to play a game of twenty questions that could have yes or no answers, beginning with whether or not this avenue would even work. I tested strong, so we pressed forward.

I don’t remember the exact questions asked but what was strong was that the keys were indeed hidden from view, upstairs near the kitchen. I also tested for strong that they were in a drawer. That was enough for me, so I hurried up the stairs quite certain that somehow the elusive keys would now be in the same places I had already searched before, although I was convinced that I had just not covered every square inch.

Unfortunately I still came up empty handed, so I went back downstairs and the words “search elsewhere” again ran through my mind. So I decided to ask different questions. This time what came up strong was that there was a key hidden in a compartment in my car in the garage. At this point, I really wanted to start doubting the validity of what I was doing because I had already searched every square inch of my car four different times. Besides to my logical mind I wondered how I could I test strong for two completely different places. But the feelings I was having about being close to the finish were undeniable. I could almost hear excited angels urging me forward telling me I was getting warmer and warmer. So I went to the garage and sat down in the driver’s seat. I allowed my mind to just go still for a minute and then I opened up the glove compartment and pulled everything out. But all that was there were there the maintenance records and car registration. Disappointedly I began to put everything back again, but got the impression to look deeper, so I peered in, but didn’t see a thing. Then I reached my hand in and felt along the back. At first I was a little curious when I felt something small and hard. What I was looking for was a set of keys with several mini cards on it. Instead what I pulled out was a single key with a dealer’s car tag on it. It took a minute for the miracle of what had just happened to register with me. But then the reality hit me. It was another key!!!! Neither my son who originally bought the car, nor I, even knew that another key existed. But obviously, my angels (as I lovingly call them) knew. Then the excitement and exhilaration hit and I ran back into the house yelling all the way down the hall just as I had visualized myself doing earlier in the day, but my excitement and gratitude were even greater than I could ever have imagined due to the very surprise ending.

I still have no idea where the original set of keys is hiding, but honestly I don’t care anymore. What I gained was far more important than what I lost. Any doubts I have had about who I am and what I am all about have fled. I know that no matter what is thrown at me or by whom, I have powerful resources at my beck and call that are willing and able to help. I was reminded once again that prayers are answered if we just ask the right questions in the right way and let go of what we expect the outcome to be.

As a final note, when all was said and done I had another memory flash into my very clear brain. It was of a fun little camp song I used to love as a little girl. By using a kleenex we played all the parts of the damsel in distress, the hero, and the villain. As I recognized that I had indeed been a damsel in distress that had been rescued by real, but unseen heroes. When I let go of all the feelings of ear, frustration and desperate need to be in control, and once again allowed undeniable peace filled my soul I could almost hear a villain sneering those infamous words,“curses, foiled again.” And I just stuck my tongue out and replied Na, na, na, na, na.

I don’t have the key to all understanding yet, but as I acknowledge all the beautiful lessons of my life, I do recognize the key to peace. It is by remembering that I am not alone. I love learning this way.

Chris

PS...there is another very interesting dimension to this story that I prefer not to share publicly, but would be willing to send to anyone who might be interested. Send me a private email with your request and I will tell you the rest of the story.

trueyouchris@gmail.com

Celebrating All

I just wanted to report on an experience I had last week in celebrating. Since this blog is still called Miracles with Jeff, it is totally appropriate for me to report the events of my life.First of all , I am now a full time student at Boise State University and loving it. I have especially enjoyed my weekend workshops, the first was on death and dying. The one I finished today was on the power of positive thinking. Both classes helped me once again realize how much I have to be grateful for and how much I truly do have to celebrate.

But what I wanted to report today really has to do with the miracles in my life that are continuing in truly amazing ways.

About the time Jeff got sick, my life slowly began draining away. At this time last year I weighed 85 pounds at the most. I was once again in the hospital. This time a very painful blockage had sent me back to the emergency room. A CT scan showed a mass in my intestines. Not knowing what it was the only possible solution was to remove the part of the colon that was affected. Luckily the mass was nothing more than my body trying to slough off all the scar tissue that had built up, so the fear of cancer was aleaviated, but I was left with a new companion. True to my nature I decided to just try to make the best of it. One way I did this was to actually give names to my new "family". I called my stoma (the part of my intestines that now portrudes from my abdomen) Baby Roo because I now wear a pouch which I also named after another favorite childhood companion. Winne seemed to be a totally appropriate name because it is full of "poo". I don't mean to make light of the situation, but it is a way I can discreetly discuss delicate issues in a way that those who know can get the gist of what I am talking about.

Besides getting used to Winnie and Roo, one of my biggest challenges after having a major surgery was to get up an move. I rejoiced when I was able to walk around the hospital floor by myself for the first time. I remember thinking how ironic it was because at the same time I was celebrating such a small victory, thousands of women were celebrating together a few miles away in Boise’s annual fitness celebration. How I longed to be joined with them, but at that point even thinking about it was exhausting, but a seed of hope was planted. After 10 days, I was sent home with a 24h hour feedbag and an entirely new lifestyle.

As time progressed, I got stronger and began to regain all of the muscle that had atrophied. I don’t know for sure when I challenged myself to run the 5k at the celebration this year, but somewhere it was always in the back of my mind. I began by just walking and then progressed to picking up the pace a little. I didn't have any specific goals, but just pushed myself a little harder each day and was thrilled a few months ago when I actually ran a full mile.

A few months ago I was introduced to a different type of footwear and a form of running called chi running. After careful study and going to the only place I Boise that sells this particular type of foot covering, I ordered a pair of Vibram Five Fingers and have been wearing them pretty much every day since then. I didn't really do any intensive training, but have been taking a water aerobics class on Tuesdays and Thursdays and every once in awhile I would go outside and move my body. I told my brother, Myron that maybe I was in training to run a 5 K, but it was more a dream than anything else. But a few weeks ago I got an invitation to join the True You Team and decided to sign up for it, figuring even though I had never pushed myself past running a mile, I would just go and have fun celebrating fitness with a bunch of other women.

On the day of the celebration. I had a class at noon, so I decided to park at the school assuming there would be some kind of transportation to the downtown starting point. I was wrong. So I chose just to hoof the 2 miles to the starting line. About half way there, Winnie started acting out. ( I won't go into the details here, but when Winnie and I have a fight, Winnie ALWAYS wins)I was not prepared to deal with demands that refused to be ignored, so I turned around and went back to the car. Luckily I had the supplies I needed and was able to take care of the situation, glad that my shirt was very long and covered up the tale tale signs of my earlier struggles with my companion. By then, it was past the time we were supposed to be at the starting line, so I had a choice to make. I could either just chuck the whole idea and use the time to study, or I could proceed on with my plans to participate in something that was really important to me. I decided to go ahead and go back towards the starting line, figuring that since the path I needed to take to get to the starting point was along the race course, at some point I would just jump in and join those in my assigned group.

What I didn't count on was that even though I was later than I had anticipated, my wave was the last to go, so I got to my starting point just about the time that my wave started. By that time I had already walked about 4 miles in order to participate in a 5 K (which is about 3.1 miles). I was determined to just see if I could use what I had been learning, so when they took down the barriers for the purple wave, I just started running, well it was more a slow jog...some of the speed walkers were much faster, but it was more than just walking.

I was quite surprised that I wasn't really all that tired considering my earlier adventures, but I just concentrated on breathing and being fully aware of my body, pulling strength and chi energy from the core rather than my muscles. At one point, as I was trying to get into a better position I stumbled and fell onto my outstretched hands that still had the scabs from the last time I went running and hit the pavement (literally). I sat there for a minute and did a quick body check. To my surprise, nothing hurt. A couple of girls were right behind me and stopped to see if I was ok. I jumped up and said "Yep" and took off again. At some point I noticed I was no longer with the majority of the purple walking wave, but was beginning to pass the blues and some yellows (the timed walkers). My goal was to see if I could catch up with Deena and her girls who were in the blue wave. I never did see them, but along the way I saw other women I knew. After a short chat, I would wave goodbye and take off again. I was really surprised that even the hill that we went up was not daunting to me. By the time I got to the water station about 2/3 of the way, I could see the finish line and I knew I could do it so I just kept going. I still wasn't very fast, but I was perfectly fine going at my slow and steady pace.

As I turned the corner and started down the last half mile, I could see the men in tuxedos and shorts giving high fives to everyone who had gotten that far. That is when the tears started, not because I was in pain, but because I truly was celebrating something much more profound than just completing a 5 k jog.

As the hospital memories entered my mind, I got an amazing boost of strength and picked up my pace. I slapped the hands of many who were just telling me "good job" like they were telling everyone else who had reached the goal. No one but me had any idea of what I was celebrating. It was so much more than just a 5k run on Sept 25, 2009...it was a celebration of my body, my life, and all the miracles that have happened in the last few years. After I did the high five thing with the last man on tuxedor row. I automatically gave two more high fives to unseen hands that I knew were lifted to congratulate me and tell me how proud they were that I had chosen to stay in my body and finish my work on the earth.

I looked around at the thousands of other women who were completing the same course that I had, and even though, I did not recognize anyone I knew and never even met up with my team, I rejoiced in their accomplishments too. As I stood in line to get the promised breakfast, still a little overcome by what had just happened to me, a woman I did not know approached me. She said she had been watching me from above and knew there was something very significant happening to me because she saw my tears and weren't sure if they were tears of joy or pain and wanted to make sure I was ok. It was hard to put into words the culmination of not just an incredible year, but such gratitude for everything in my life. She didn't need the whole story, so I just told her I was celebrating far more than a finish line. In fact in many ways, I felt like this is a brand new beginning. Of what...I'm not sure

I then had to walk another mile and a half to get back to the university, but luckily I had a locker, towels, and clean clothes, so I showered and prepared myself to go to class. One of the things we had been asked to do was to bring something visual to deomonstrate to our classmates what dreams we cherished. I had already decided to share my intention list, but I also took my “shine out loud” t-shirt, as dirty and smelly as it was. When I stood up in front of the class to report my feelings, I was very emotional. I briefly shared with them my journey and then held up my shirt and did a sort of victory dance.

As I am writing this it is hard to put into words how grateful I am for the miracles in my life. When we finished the class today we each were invited to write something on the board describing what we got out of the class and what we plan on doing now.

I wrote in great big words I AM ALIVE!!! I am a positive, peaceful, powerful force for good. I love my life!!!

Thanks for sharing my journey.

Chris
If you would like to email me directly: trueyouchris@gmail.com