My Miracle

Last night as I was writing, I became very aware of some deep emotions that were trying to surface. This morning I realized I never finished the process to publish what I had written last week. But what I have to share had a huge impact on my life, so I needed to finish writing. The emotion that was trying to surface was my old familiar companion, fear. This time the fear had to do with something I have been avoiding for quite some time...going to the doctor.

I'm sure some of that avoidance is just plain old pride, but there was a much deeper fear as well. Without going into any specifics here let's just say that with all that has happened in the last 6 months since I last had lab work done, I was afraid that my immune system had been compromised to such an extent that I would be pressured to go back on drugs to combat the HIV virus in my own body. Years ago when Jeff and were both diagnosed as being HIV + we both did exactly as our doctors told us and began a regiment of anti retroviral drugs, "the triple cocktail" as it was referred to.

It was a horrible experience for me especially. I was told the main side effect might be fatigue. I was not told that the fatigue meant I woul not be able to lift my arm off the bed for weeks. I was also not informed that other side effects would be so debilitating for me that I would lose an entire year of my life.

It was only when I made the choice to cut my drug intake in half that I found any kind of relief. Jeff had come to exactly the same kind of conclusion, although the side effects for him had not been quite as devestating as they were for me. For the next 3 years we continued to take the drugs, even though at half the dosage, they still made us sick. When we moved back to Spokane, we lost our insurance which brought up new challenges for us. Being self employed we tried to find other insurance, but because of Jeff's cancer and our HIV status, the premiums were exhorbitant. I began doing research to find out more about the disease and alternatives to the very expensive drugs. One thing that made sense to me was that nutrition played a huge role in keeping the virus under control. So Jeff and I both made the decision to become very pro-active with nutrition and to discontinue taking the drugs.

It worked. We both began to feel better than we had in years. I finally began shedding some of the excess weight my body had produced in an effort to protect my vital organs from the toxicity of the meds. I had energy and strength like I had not had in a very long time. I was determined that this was a good answer. We both did very well until we got the news about Emily's death.

It was devestating to us both, but we grieved in very different ways. I chose to feel everything that came up fully and then release the emotions so they did not stay stuck in my body and in my energy fields. On the other hand, Jeff internalized everything. He also took on a very personal responsibility for her death and did what he always did when faced with difficult challenges; He worked very hard. When his father passed away just a year later, he continued on with his pattern of internalizing. As a result, his immune system took a beating. The disease that had been very controlled before began to take hold once again. In the end, his body could no longer function and his life here ended.

The reason I share this is to just help the reader understand my fears about getting my own labs done. But I made a promise to myself that I would use wisdom when it comes to my own health issues which means getting my labs done and visiting with the doctor about the state of my health.

Ok, so back to my sleepless night and revisiting my old compantion, fear. I chose to acknowledge its existence and just allow myself to observe how it felt in my body. It was an interesting process. It was not a worry session, mostly just an interesting experience in communicating with myself. I had a discussion with myself about worst case scenarios. From our experience, I have come to believe that the whole AIDS issue has as much to do with emotional issues as it does with a virus. I decided that no matter what I was told at the doctor, I felt good about the path of wholeness and wellness that I have been on. I was able to sleep soundly and thanked my fear companion for bringing feelings to my awareness.The next day I was quite calm as I went to visit with the doctor. It was a lovely visit. We spent quite a bit of time talking about the experience of Jeff's death and the choices I have made in how to progress through the grief process. It was actually very affirming for me to have him tell me how refreshing it was to spend time talking with me because in his practice he deals mostly with crisis situations. Seldom does he meet with someone who has taken responsibility for their own care and wellness.

When we finally got down to discussing my labs, I was ready to intelligently face whatever the results were. I was beyond delighted when he told me where my T-cells were. Rather than going down, they had jumped significantly. He was surprised to recognize that my body is not just maintaining, but it is healing in spite of the significant stress that it has undergone. He saw no need to put me on any meds at this point and just told me to continue doing whatever it is I have been doing, because obviously it is working. He is very curious to see what happens with me, because it is not something he has seen before. I promised to come back in another month to monitor my progress.

I left the doctor's office with a feeling of total gratitude and humility. I already knew that the path that I have been on is right for me, but it was nice to have hard evidence to show my children, so they won't worry so much about me. I understand their concern. They lost one parent to a disease that supposedly has no cure, they have a valid point in wanting me to stay healthy. It is my desire as well. When Jeff got sick, I wanted so much for him to be an HIV miracle. I wanted him to be able to overcome the effects of the disease without relying on drugs. But this wasn't his path. His miracles came in other ways.

But perhaps this can be my miracle. I believe we live in a day of miracles. Why not me? My mind is open to possibilities, my heart is full of gratitude and my body and spirit are healing.

If I can be a witness of the awesome time of light that we are coming into, I will shout it from the rooftops. What an awesome time we live in.

Chris

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Meeting Life's Challenges

Look at this, I am writing 2 days in a row. Is that a good sign? I don't really have any profound thoughts tonight, but it has been a good day. In one of the meeting at church this morning I was put on the spot a bit. The lesson was basically about how to handle challenges in life, when we feel as if we are in the eye with hurricane winds raging around us. I do not consider myself an expert on handling difficult challenges, only someone with a lot of experience.

I did share a bit of my philosphy in life about making choices every day to choose to feel all my emotions to the fullest which means that even though I do feel sadness, grief, and sorrow very deeply, it also means I keep my heart open to feel the joy as well.

I was pressed a little bit about what kind of foundation I have that has helped me through those storms in life. It was good for me to pause for a moment and check in with myself before answering the question. It was easy. No matter what has happened in the last few years, I have found the source of my strength from the Savior. I can't say that I have been perfect in asking and receiving. In fact, most of the time, when those hurricane winds got really, really fierce, it would take me some time to remember where to turn to for peace.

I have a favorite symbolish about getting to a place where we can feel the love of God. But on the way to the desired results, sometimes there are mists of darkness that come up and cloud our way. To help us reach our destination, there is a rod of iron put in place that helps us keep pressing forward. I used to visualize that scene as a bunch of people pressing forward in a line moving forward with their hands sliding along the rod with the mists of darkness sometimes blinding the way. Now I see those mists as the raging hurricane force winds bringing profound darkness. Forward progress during those times is virtually impossible because it takes every ounce of energy and effort just to cling with the tightest grip we can possibly muster until the winds calm down a bit and we can actually see the light and press forward again.

For me, there have been many times, my strength enough was not alone to hang on. But I made choices, almost daily to remember what I know and receive strength beyond my own capacity. Those days when I didn't remember, it was more difficult to hold on to any grip of sanity. The days I did remember were still difficult, but it was easier to cope and I found that I could still have peace which has been my ultimate goal for a long time.

I am very grateful for all the experiences I have had in my life that has given me opportunity to experiment and develop many coping skills. I have learned that no matter what outside influences are hammering out our peace, we always have a choice in our attitude. Every emotion we experience is our body trying to get our attention. When we try to numb out, or burn out, or do anything we can to avoid feeling, that is when we get in trouble and our body takes more drastic measures to get our attention by creating illness. This is just a philosophy I have found works in my own life. When I choose to be present in my body so that I can feel the sorrow, sadness, fear or anger as they I arise, I can then release them to a power greater than myself when I am ready to. I can also take responsibility for those things which are within my personal power to change and choose to take action if necessary. In so doing I become active, not reactive without inflicting pain or be disprespectful of others.

Wow, that seems like a lot of pschobabble, but it truly is the way I have learned to live my life. Someone once told me they could never go through the things I have because they just weren't that strong. (This was about 6 years ago) I responded by telling them that I didn't get through things because I was strong, I got stronger by having lots of opportunities for growth and choosing to look to a higher source to give me the strength to not just endure and get through them, but to learn life lessons along the way.

We each have opportunities every day to make choices about how we face challenges in life. I love knowing that it is up to me to create joy and that I have a creation coach whose soul purpose is to bring about my success.

It is an awesome plan. I love remembering what I know and allowing myself to just be me. I am not a perfect person by any means. I have weaknesses that keep me humble. But I am a peaceful person. I acknowledge the hand of the Lord in my life in all things. He is my rock and my foundation. Sometimes I forget that, but luckily He never forgets me. His hands are always outstretched and his invitation is constant. No matter what challenges I face in the future, the choice will always be mine as to how to face it. From personal experience, believe me, it is easier when I choose not to go it alone, but to accept the Savior's invitation to cast my very heavy mortal burdens on his very capable celestial shoulders. I sure hope I can continue to remember my own advice. Sometimes it is easier than others. Oh well, such is the biggest challenge of my life.

Chris

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The sweetness of life.

This last week has been full of challenges and adventures. The challenges included an innocent trip to the grocery store that nearly knocked me to my knees when I went to get Charla some chocolate and happened on the isle with the valentine candy. The memories came flooding so thick and fast I felt like had been transported by to 1975. I was a junior in high school and for the first time in my life I had a serious boyfriend who asked me to be his valentine. Every day for 2 weeks before February 14th, Jeff bought me different kinds of sweets. Each day he found new, creative ways to bestow me with that day's gift. On the 14th he gave me a small ring that was his promise of a love that he knew would continue forever. I in turn made him a warm fuzzy quilt that he cherished for years.

That first year set the tone for valentine's day for us. I always appreciated his thoughtfulness and creativity. Even when we were struggling in our marriage, Jeff put forth the effort to make the day special for me. When Jeff's addiction began to lose its grip, parts of the man that I had fallen in love with but had been in hiding began to emerge. I think it was Valentine’s Day about 9 years ago, he wrote me the sweetest note. It said: “Do you remember when we first fell in love? The whole world took on a brighter color and we felt happier, stronger, and more alive than we have ever been. Time stood still for us whenever we were together. Although time has passed, one thing hasn’t changed: when I stop and think about all we have been through together and all that we have shared, the world stands still once more and I have fallen in love with you again.”

When I read his little note describing his love for me, I wept. I did not see him as my Savior, but he was my hero. His hair might have faded somewhat and lost its reddish highlights, his face a little older, his armor, tarnished and battle scarred. But he still continued to bring sunshine and laughter into my life and made me feel like I was an angel. Each year we were together we created new, sweet memories.

One year, he left a box of chocolates on the table for me when he left for work early in the morning. What he had neglected to anticipate is that our 3 year old son would find it before I did. I could only giggle when I was woken up that morning to a chocolate covered face filled with absolute sheer delight. I did not mind sharing Jeff's token of love for me with my other sweetheart., but after that he was a bit more careful about how he bestowed his valentine's gifts, especially the candy.

Last year I was gone on Valentine's Day, but when I got back, I walked into a room filled with candles, romantic music, a gourmet meal, and Jeff dressed in red silk waiting expectantly to greet me in a way that he knew would bring tears to my eyes and fill my heart with gratitude for the love that we shared.

Another challenge I had this week was making the decision to pack up his things. I did ok until I got to his suits, especially his tux. Jeff loved dressing up and looking sharp. We bought the tux a few years ago with the hopes of him being able to wear it on several occasions such as cruises, and children's marriages. But he only wore it once, on valentine's day a couple of years ago when he took me to a romantic night at the symphony. Putting his tux away once again flooded my body with memories. I was suprised at how fast my heart began to beat and how it took my breath away just to hold it close to my face and smell a very faded remnant of his favorite cologne, Obsession.

Even now as I write about some of the memories, the tears fall. But it is not just sadness and grief. It is more gratitude that I know what it is like to feel loved so completely. I often told Jeff that I felt like I was one of the luckiest girls in the world to be married to such a kind, sensitive, romantic man. There are many people, even those who are in a marriage who have never experienced the kind of intimacy and connection that we worked so hard to achieve.

I'm not sure what how I will handle it in a couple of weeks when the day dedicatd to celebrating love comes and there is not anything new and special to look forward too from my sweetheart, but I am grateful for sweet memories to savor. Perhaps I will just allow myself to bask in the memories of the past and remember that the joy in reunion at some future point will be even sweeter because of what we have shared in the past. How grateful I am to have such a wealth of sweet memories to draw from. I'm not sure it will soften the blow of the present reality, but tonight I am in good space to believe that it is a possibility.

I am on a quest to discover my authentic self and to fall in love with who I truly am. Susan Jeffers wrote "today, take a risk that can change your life. start thinking of yourself as an artist and your life as a work-in-progress. Works-in-progess are never perfect. Art evolves. So does life. Art is never stagnant. Neither is life. The beautiful, authentic life you are creating for yourself and those you love is your art. It is the highest art."

I choose to believe that the sweetness in my life is not over. My challenge is to find other sources to fill those places in my heart that long for connection. It is a noble quest, worthy of my time and effort. It does not change the reality of the physical absence of my sweetheart, but it makes the loss more bearable by the promise of sweetness of life in the future.

Chris

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Simple Abundance

I was visiting with a friend of mine at church today who lost her mother suddenly in October. She told me that she had been surprised how easily she handled everything that needed to be done for weeks on very little sleep, but about 6 weeks later her body shut down and she crashed. She is just now barely starting to function again.

This sounded oh so familiar to me. It has been such a strange experience to feel like I have been living in slow motion mostly just being an observer watching my body go through the motions of bare existence. For the last several weeks I have wondered where I disappeared to. I have written a few things here and there, but for the most part I have just been giving my body, mind, and spirit time to heal. I have spent some time visualizing my life as I want it to be while fully acknowledging that for now the most important thing I can do for myself is just continue allow things to flow in whatever natural course they may take.

This morning when I woke up, I realized I had slept all night long and felt familiar indications of my own lifesigns returning. It was a delicious very welcome feeling. I am still coughing a little and my voice is still rather hoarse, but I am hopeful that perhaps my body is finally rebounding.

I don't know what will happen tomorrow or the next day, or the next. No doubt there will be other days where functioning might come to a screetching halt. I am sure there will be many more times in the future when I will get news like I did the other day telling me that a friend of ours had suddenly passed away. Immediately I felt the pain of his wife as sharp as if it were my own again. Oh how my heart aches for what she is going to be going through once the shock wears off.

A few weeks ago, I took the suggestion of a dear friend of mine to read a book called "Simple Abundance, A Daybook of Comfort and Joy by Sarah Ban Breathnach. It is a delightful series of short essays written as an epiphany for each day of the year to assist women in discovering their authentic selves. It is about new beginnings and transforming with ease into becoming who we truly were meant to be.

I have to admit that when I first received the book I was glad that each day's essays were so short because that way I felt I could truly keep at least one commitment to myself to read the wisdom of each day. As I began to immerse myself in the messages, I felt stirrings of a deep longing in my heart for inner peace, not just a reprieve from the grief of all the losses I have experienced, but serenity in truly knowing myself.

I remember writing something profound for myself in the post I entitled "Clash of the Titans". It was something to the affect that the worse possible scenario was not that Jeff would die, but that he would die and I would remain the same person. Well I am not the same person, but I am now seeing the possibility that there is hope that as a direct result of everything I have experienced, I am finally remembering who I truly am.

When I take an inventory of the things I am grateful for, I realize I am a very rich woman indeed. I might have a few temporary cash flow limitations, but my heart overflows with gratefulness and I know that serenity is a gift that is my inheritance and available for the true seeker.

This day I choose to appreciate all that is good in my life. I choose to see the future as full of awesome opportunities to create joy. I choose to acknowledge that there will be many more moments of sorrow, sadness, and grief but I choose to see them as just that...moments.

I choose to live in the simple abundance that will bring me the joy I desire.

This is how I feel tonight. What a relief. I am now giving myself permission to go to bed and welcome what tomorrow will bring.

Chris

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Stages of Grief (?)

I am still here, still moving forward, still making plans for the future, still allowing my body mind, and spirit to heal, still having a hard time sleeping alone, and still finding myself often in the depths of grief. I am also still seeking for simple joys and miracles in living every day.

Sometimes I wonder if I will ever truly feel normal again or if I can even remember what that feels like. Perhaps what's more important is that I allow normal to be just feeling every day even if I am not in total control of what those feelings may be. I find that there will be times when I will wake up feeling very good and have a lot of energy to do the daily tasks. Those are what I consider good days. I like those kinds of days.

Other days seemingly insignificant things like conversations, or a tv show, or a song on the radio will bring up memories that are still very painful. When those types of experiences intrude unexpectadly on my subconscious mind, often I won't even be aware that something has been triggered in me until I finally allow myself to go to bed. That is when the lonelines and sadness seems to be the worst. The tears are sometimes torrents of anguish, and sometimes intermittent sprinkles laced with anger. Those nights are long and my restless mind begins to wonder when and if this time in my life will ever be over. When morning finally comes, it is usually with relief that I greet another new day. I try to overcome my exhaustion with gratitude and the realization that I am one day closer to true healing. Somedays it works, other times it is a little more challenging.

I thought perhaps with all I have learned about the creation process and the power of my mind and emotions, especially the emotional freedom technique, maybe this time I could just breeze on through without having to really go through the entire grief process. There is a plethora of information about going through this process. All the books and articles basically say the same thing as defined from one model used by most professionals in the field of grief counseling since 1969. There are supposedly specific stages that everyone goes through; Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, Acceptance. The professionals say it is a process the each person will experience differently but everyone has to go through the 5 stages before true grieving can even begin. The truth is grief is a complicated, multi-dimensional, individual process that can never be generalized in 5 stages. There is nothing linear about it and nothing really predictable.

I have decided to not worry about studying any more about the grief process and what I am or am not supposed to be feelings or experiencing. It is what it is. In the last few years I have experienced extreme loss. Those losses have affected me and my children in many ways; mentally, emotionally, physically, and energetically. For me, the experiences have hurt, but they have also served important purposes in what I see as one of the most important purposes of my life which is to learn all I can while in this physical realm. It has also strengthened me in far more ways than it taken me down.

My biggest challenge right now is still remembering all the lessons my life has already taught me and that all is well. I can be patient with myself as my body, mind, and spirit all find balance and harmony again. So for now I think I will continue to see myself not as going through any mandated stages of grief....instead I will continue to focus on healing and allow myself time and space to take as much time as I need.

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Lessons in the School of LIfe

I can't believe it has been 5 days since I have written anything on this blog. I haven't dropped off the face of the earth. I have just been "Lost" literally. The one thing Charla and I got ourselves for Christmas was the 1st season of the TV show "Lost" Jeff and I watched it together last Christmas and were planning on watching the 2nd season this year. Charla had not seen any of it, so we started at the beginning as soon as I got back home from Arizona. It is not like me to sit and watch anything for hours on end.

But the truth is, for now, I am just letting it be ok. I am sure people wonder about me and how I am doing. I don't ever really know how to answer them. I wrote this to a friend of mine a few days ago.

Thanks for caring. Each day seems to bring new challenges for me. Some days I do really well and I feel totally strong and ready to face the world. Other days I shrink into my own private world and just let the earth continue to rotate on it's axis.

It is so strange. I never believed that he could really die, although subconsciously I have been preparing for it for a long time. And now that he is gone, I am having a hard time figuring out who the person is that stares back at me in the mirror.

I don't like the fact that the more time goes by, that harder it seems to get. I handled things so well during the months, weeks, days, hour, and minute before he died. Now my body just feels a little bit like silly putty. I know that I will get through it. I have amazing tools to help me, but it is hard for me to be patient with myself and allow the process.

Like I wrote in a previous post, I have been having some health concerns. Yesterday one of my sisters called me and invited me to pick up my other sister and spend some time together so that perhaps they could help me figure out some things.

I valued the time we spent together. It helped me understand myself much better. One thing that came forward was rather surprising to me. It had to do with a very familiar companion that once rarely left my side . . . fear. Last week I wrote about the very life changing decision I made to choose to trust in the Lord. Once I made that choice, fear was not something I allowed myself to ever dwell on again. Oh, it would come knocking at my door on occasion, but I would quickly dismiss it by remembering the choice I made.

Well apparantly, it did not allow itself to be dismissed quite so readily. Even though my mind and spirit recognized there was no need to dwell on the fear, and for the most part through everything that has happened over the last few months, I have remained in peace, but apparantly my body did not get the message.

Even now as I type this, my body reminds me that fear is a teaching emotion that needs to be acknowledged and addressed, not just dismissed. I have known for several weeks that my physical self was trying to tell me something, but I did not understand the message. The fear wasn't anything I really thought consciously about, it was more a default program that kept running in my background. Of course I was aware of it, but somehow I thought that if I acknowledged the existence of all the fears, they would somehow consume me and it would mean that my faith and trust was lacking. I did not feel like I could afford that.

Looking back, it seems so silly, but it was the only way I knew how to cope with all that was happening. I have said over and over again that the only way I know how to deal with grief is to feel all my feelings to the fullest, express them in appropriate ways, and then release them.
That has worked well for me.

I got a little newsletter from Hospice a couple of days ago concerning the grieving process. Even though I have had experience with it, the things I read helped me understand myself a little better.

It said: "As a culture we want everything to be quick and easy. We don't want to savor the feelings any more than we want to savor the wide range of our varied experiences. Like all else that we hurry through in life, we may be obsessed with getting through our pain as quickly as possible. Even though we can temporarily deny our pain, it still exists. It will eventually erupt in some way, maybe at an inappropriate moment or during another upset or illness. It is always better to admit strong feelings and to feel them, and to move through them in order to move beyond them."

That made sense to me, I have done that with the grief. But I have not allowed myself to do that with the fear. Instead what I have done when I have felt its ominous presence is give myself permission to feel it very briefly, then dismiss it quickly. As a result, my body has created some very uncomfortable patterns that have caused me quite a bit of pain...and wouldn't you know it, more fear that I refused to acknowledge...quite a little recurring trap I unwittingly set for myself.

What I learned as I was talking with my sisters was that by acknowledging the existence of a this big emotion, it does not mean I am lacking in faith, it only means I am still quite human. I saw an article once entitled "Fear, I Embrace You" The title alone was enough to make me quite sure it was not something I wanted to read. But obviously the concept intrigued me because years later, I still remember it.

So last night I made some new choices. I chose to listen to my body in a way that it needs to be heard. This does not mean I have to dwell on fear and become consumed. It only means I am no longer going to be a dismissive parent who refuses to acknowledge a child's right to feel. I can acknowledge anger, or fear, or frustration in a way that does not just readily dismiss them, but more a way to observe them, learn from them, virtually embrace them in my mind so that they won't get out of control in my body. Usually when children's fears are acknowledged, the adult can rationally and calmly help the child recognize the truth.

This was a huge lesson for me. One I need to probably remind myself often so that it will become the new default. It might take awhile. I am trying to be patient with myself as I continue this process of learning in the continuing school of life. Sometimes I wonder exactly how many preqrequisites of suffering, pain, and patience I need to take before I can really be ready for the advanced classes of creating joy that I am quite sure I signed up for.

Chris

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I Love a Miracle

Ok, so this blog is about miracles. Last night I watched a football game. It is not a typical thing for me to do. I do not hate football, but it isn't something that is really high on my list of activities to choose. But it was New Year's day. It seemed an appropriate thing to do, especially since I am stying in Glendale Arizona right now, about a mile from the stadium where the Fiesta Bowl was being played.

It was touted as a Cinderalla match up between Oklahoma a known football powerhouse and Boise State University, a team that was only invited to the big bowl game because of its undeafeted record.

I decided it was only fitting that I give the game some of my attention since I am after all a recent resident of Boise. After the first 2 minutes of the game, I was captured. I watched it with an intensity that totally surprised me. I was rooting for the underdogs. I wanted to believe in miracles.

It was by far the most exciting, intense, nail biting, exhilarating sports event I think I have ever watched, with the outcome so astonishing that we all just let our jaws drop in unbelief before we started screaming in delight.

I think the thing that impressed me the most is that they didn't give up. They knew what they wanted, they didn't let little setbacks keep them from focusing on the victory. They didn't let the opinion of others dictate how they should behave in a situation that was deemed as being way over their head. They just believed.

Just so you know I am not alone in my adoration of what happened here in Glendale on New Year's night. This is what Sports Illustrated said of the game.

When it was over, even Hollywood couldn't have scripted a more dramatic ending. This was the ultimate underdog story of a team that believed from the start, refused to give up even when it looked bleak and pulled off the improbable. It's one thing for a Cinderella team to upset a heavily favored opponent, but c'mon, this was ridiculous.
A desperation fourth-down hook-and-lateral touchdown pass to tie the game at the end of regulation? A fourth-down receiver option touchdown pass to tie it in overtime? A do-or-die Statue of Liberty two-point conversion run to win the game? The star player proposing to the captain of the cheerleading squad after crossing the goal line?
Boise State's mind-numbing 43-42 victory over Oklahoma in the Fiesta Bowl on Monday night had everything and will go down as one of best games in college football history.

http://sportsillustrated.cnn.com/2007/writers/arash_markazi/01/02/inside.boise/index.html

I love these kind of true life Cinderella stories especially when it is about people who believe miracles can happen. It was an awesome way to begin a new year. I guess it will be ok for me to unite myself in Boise with that kind of an attitude. Go Bronco Nation!!

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