The Key (the short version)

This last week I faced a very difficult challenge. At first it seemed like just a simple collection of coincidences that were nothing more than irritating, but as time progressed, and the issue at hand remained unresolved, I began to see disconcerting patterns in my life that brought up feelings of frustration, fear, and anger that have been foreign to my thoughts and feelings for quite some time.

To help you understand my feelings, I need to set the stage. My energy type is such that it is not a rare occasion for me to either misplace objects or forget where I have put something. In times past, my husband would chide me about when I was late because I was looking for my shoes, wallet, or keys which happened on a regular basis. These events would always leave me full of self doubt and frustration at weaknesses I couldn’t seem to overcome.

As I began to heal and recognize how my important my thoughts were to the outcome of my life, I let go of seeing myself as a forgetful person and instead made very concerted efforts to remember. It has been a long time since I have lost anything for more than a few minutes.

Until this week…

Wednesday evening I had a strange experience of knowing that something was in my hands and having it completely disappear. Knowing there had to be some sort of rational explanation I went to bed with a gnawing feeling that something wasn’t quite right in my world.

Thursday morning, I got up and prepared myself for school as usual. When I got to my car, I realized that I was a bit earlier than usual so decided to go back upstairs and grab something to eat. After I ate a hard boiled egg I gathered my things again, but realized my keys were missing. I clearly remembered having them in my hands a few minutes before when I had headed out the door the first time. At first, I just wondered where I had put them down and began looking around. I knew exactly where I had been, but once again within less than 24 hours something that had been in my hands had slipped away. The frustration I had felt the night before re-surfaced and I began to look in more earnest. My frustration began to turn to dismay as I realized that I had not listened a few weeks ago when I had received the distinct impression to get another key made because with only one set of keys there could be expensive ramifications if ever this set of keys was lost.

I expanded my searching perimeters thinking that perhaps I had blocked something out of my mind as to my actions of the last hour. Feelings of guilt at the state of my bedroom replaced dismay, and I saw with clarity how I had let my busyness with school give me a good excuse to let go of the need of being tidy. I assumed that somehow my weaknesses were the cause of once again misplacing something important. Time itself was slipping away and I began to panic because I knew that if I didn’t get to school on time I would miss an important test I had been studying for. My search became frantic and I overturned everything in sight thus creating even more chaos then had been there before.

Finally I realized that if I wanted to get anywhere I needed help beyond my own resources. I swallowed my pride and went down to borrow my sister’s car so I could get to my class. On the way to school I reflected on all that had happened and the little prayer I was accustomed to asking whenever I need assitance in finding something was amplified and I began asking in earnest for help beyond my own ability. I then did my best to set aside my frustrations and concentrated on the tasks of the day figuring that when I wasn’t in such a hurry I could do a better job of searching.

When I got home I once again did a thorough search of both my mind, and then my dwellings. But once again, my search was futile. I went to sleep only to wake up a short time later in almost a full blown panic attack with emotions of dread and anxiety. As much as I tried, I could not dismiss the images of all that I have lost in the last 12 years including little things such as jobs, a house, and 2 cars, as well as losing my beloved daughter and husband. In every situation it was as if those things I loved the most, just slipped through my fingers and nothing I tried to do could stop the pattern.

After a very restless night, I once again began my search. This time, I methodically cleaned and organized the chaos around me. As I cleaned I thought of the parable of the lost coin and tried to feel the joy that would come when that which was hidden was revealed. Another thought also seared my mind as memories of another desperate search surfaced. The remembrance was of a time when the scope of the search was much greater and virtually impossible. Shortly after Jeff and I began to date we decided to skip school and take an unscheduled trip to Mt Spokane. I clearly remember that fall was in the air and the first snows covered the top of the mountain we were hiking. When we got back to the car panic set in as we realized the keys to the car had somehow been dropped while playing in the snow. Through humility, prayer, and faith, Jeff and I were led to the exact spot where the illusive keys were laying, just waiting for us to find them. It was a a witness neither of us could ever deny of the power of prayer.

As the thoughts and memories of other answered prayers and rescues entered my mind, my feelings once again changed. I just couldn’t figure out why I was led in the past with such dramatic and immediate results over a much greater terrain, but now in circumstances that by comparison were so miniscule, I felt utterly and completely left alone and it made me angry. Other memories of circumstances that didn’t make sense to me flooded my body and mind and I began to shake. Luckily I have a wonderful tool belt that I was able to take out and use to help reduce the powerful feelings that surfaced so I allowed myself to feel the emotions and using EFT, I just tapped away until I was once again at peace. I then allowed my heart to expand with trust, hope, gratitude and love.

I still had no idea where the silly keys were, but a concerned friend who understood my dilema told me all I really needed to do was just take proof of ownership and the VIN number of the car to the Nissan dealership and I could get another key made, so I decided to not put any more energy into trying to find the lost key. However, when I called to verify the information about getting a duplicate key, my peace once again vanished as I was told the only way to get another key would be to have the car towed to the dealership and then have a locksmith come and make a new key. Once again a slippery feeling began to take control and I even began to worry about my very sanity. There was no way I was going to spend that much money for something that seemed so ridiculous. After all, keys don’t just vanish into thin air and I figured as soon as I did that, the keys would show up and $200 would have just slipped through my fingers for nothing. Once again I spent a restless night and tried valiantly to remember how feelings of trust, gratitude, and joy could replace despair, discouragement, and frustration.

The next morning I prepared to go back to the final of a 3 part class on Positive Thinking. One of my assignments was to write a short paper on my thoughts of the week. I was honest as I described the kaleidoscope of emotions and thoughts of the last few days including the feelings of confusion and frustration which were still simmering below the surface.

Much of the class was only a reminder to me of tools I already knew how to use, including EFT, which I am already very familiar with. I was so consumed with my current problem that I allowed my mind to wander somewhat rather than pay attention. But something my professor said jarred me back to the present moment and though I had no idea what was actually being discussed at the time, I wrote down “Look elsewhere” on the front of my notebook. As I did, I realized that nothing I had tried was working so if I wanted a solution to my problem I needed to try a new approach.

So I began to pay attention to what was being taught and fully participated in attempting to create the one thing I really desired at the moment, which was to find my lost keys. I wrote out affirmations, explored my emotions and drew a lovely picture of what i desired. I included a depiction of a hidden key with statements I expected to hear after the key was found. Words such as such as awesome!!!” “ way to go” and “ good job!!!” were splashed all over my paper as well as other messages like “ Hidden things are revealed” and “The way is opened” . When we did our visualization I even saw myself telling an amazing story to a captive audience, but somehow the ending still eluded me so I just allowed myself to stay in the feeling of victory and let go of desperately needing to know when and how the final outcome would be revealed.

On the way back to the house, an idea popped into my head. I was so excited I could hardly wait to get home and try it out. I allowed myself to bask in the feelings of joy and gratitude I knew I would feel after it was all over. I have been reading Power VS Force by David Hawkins so I thought that perhaps the key to finding my keys was to get in touch with a higher power in a way that I had not yet attempted. I have done a lot of muscle testing in the past and had good success. But this time, I knew how vested I was in getting an answer, so I asked my sister if she would help me out by testing for strong and weak. So we began to play a game of twenty questions that could have yes or no answers, beginning with whether or not this avenue would even work. I tested strong, so we pressed forward.

I don’t remember the exact questions asked but what was strong was that the keys were indeed hidden from view, upstairs near the kitchen. I also tested for strong that they were in a drawer. That was enough for me, so I hurried up the stairs quite certain that somehow the elusive keys would now be in the same places I had already searched before, although I was convinced that I had just not covered every square inch.

Unfortunately I still came up empty handed, so I went back downstairs and the words “search elsewhere” again ran through my mind. So I decided to ask different questions. This time what came up strong was that there was a key hidden in a compartment in my car in the garage. At this point, I really wanted to start doubting the validity of what I was doing because I had already searched every square inch of my car four different times. Besides to my logical mind I wondered how I could I test strong for two completely different places. But the feelings I was having about being close to the finish were undeniable. I could almost hear excited angels urging me forward telling me I was getting warmer and warmer. So I went to the garage and sat down in the driver’s seat. I allowed my mind to just go still for a minute and then I opened up the glove compartment and pulled everything out. But all that was there were there the maintenance records and car registration. Disappointedly I began to put everything back again, but got the impression to look deeper, so I peered in, but didn’t see a thing. Then I reached my hand in and felt along the back. At first I was a little curious when I felt something small and hard. What I was looking for was a set of keys with several mini cards on it. Instead what I pulled out was a single key with a dealer’s car tag on it. It took a minute for the miracle of what had just happened to register with me. But then the reality hit me. It was another key!!!! Neither my son who originally bought the car, nor I, even knew that another key existed. But obviously, my angels (as I lovingly call them) knew. Then the excitement and exhilaration hit and I ran back into the house yelling all the way down the hall just as I had visualized myself doing earlier in the day, but my excitement and gratitude were even greater than I could ever have imagined due to the very surprise ending.

I still have no idea where the original set of keys is hiding, but honestly I don’t care anymore. What I gained was far more important than what I lost. Any doubts I have had about who I am and what I am all about have fled. I know that no matter what is thrown at me or by whom, I have powerful resources at my beck and call that are willing and able to help. I was reminded once again that prayers are answered if we just ask the right questions in the right way and let go of what we expect the outcome to be.

As a final note, when all was said and done I had another memory flash into my very clear brain. It was of a fun little camp song I used to love as a little girl. By using a kleenex we played all the parts of the damsel in distress, the hero, and the villain. As I recognized that I had indeed been a damsel in distress that had been rescued by real, but unseen heroes. When I let go of all the feelings of ear, frustration and desperate need to be in control, and once again allowed undeniable peace filled my soul I could almost hear a villain sneering those infamous words,“curses, foiled again.” And I just stuck my tongue out and replied Na, na, na, na, na.

I don’t have the key to all understanding yet, but as I acknowledge all the beautiful lessons of my life, I do recognize the key to peace. It is by remembering that I am not alone. I love learning this way.

Chris

PS...there is another very interesting dimension to this story that I prefer not to share publicly, but would be willing to send to anyone who might be interested. Send me a private email with your request and I will tell you the rest of the story.

trueyouchris@gmail.com

Celebrating All

I just wanted to report on an experience I had last week in celebrating. Since this blog is still called Miracles with Jeff, it is totally appropriate for me to report the events of my life.First of all , I am now a full time student at Boise State University and loving it. I have especially enjoyed my weekend workshops, the first was on death and dying. The one I finished today was on the power of positive thinking. Both classes helped me once again realize how much I have to be grateful for and how much I truly do have to celebrate.

But what I wanted to report today really has to do with the miracles in my life that are continuing in truly amazing ways.

About the time Jeff got sick, my life slowly began draining away. At this time last year I weighed 85 pounds at the most. I was once again in the hospital. This time a very painful blockage had sent me back to the emergency room. A CT scan showed a mass in my intestines. Not knowing what it was the only possible solution was to remove the part of the colon that was affected. Luckily the mass was nothing more than my body trying to slough off all the scar tissue that had built up, so the fear of cancer was aleaviated, but I was left with a new companion. True to my nature I decided to just try to make the best of it. One way I did this was to actually give names to my new "family". I called my stoma (the part of my intestines that now portrudes from my abdomen) Baby Roo because I now wear a pouch which I also named after another favorite childhood companion. Winne seemed to be a totally appropriate name because it is full of "poo". I don't mean to make light of the situation, but it is a way I can discreetly discuss delicate issues in a way that those who know can get the gist of what I am talking about.

Besides getting used to Winnie and Roo, one of my biggest challenges after having a major surgery was to get up an move. I rejoiced when I was able to walk around the hospital floor by myself for the first time. I remember thinking how ironic it was because at the same time I was celebrating such a small victory, thousands of women were celebrating together a few miles away in Boise’s annual fitness celebration. How I longed to be joined with them, but at that point even thinking about it was exhausting, but a seed of hope was planted. After 10 days, I was sent home with a 24h hour feedbag and an entirely new lifestyle.

As time progressed, I got stronger and began to regain all of the muscle that had atrophied. I don’t know for sure when I challenged myself to run the 5k at the celebration this year, but somewhere it was always in the back of my mind. I began by just walking and then progressed to picking up the pace a little. I didn't have any specific goals, but just pushed myself a little harder each day and was thrilled a few months ago when I actually ran a full mile.

A few months ago I was introduced to a different type of footwear and a form of running called chi running. After careful study and going to the only place I Boise that sells this particular type of foot covering, I ordered a pair of Vibram Five Fingers and have been wearing them pretty much every day since then. I didn't really do any intensive training, but have been taking a water aerobics class on Tuesdays and Thursdays and every once in awhile I would go outside and move my body. I told my brother, Myron that maybe I was in training to run a 5 K, but it was more a dream than anything else. But a few weeks ago I got an invitation to join the True You Team and decided to sign up for it, figuring even though I had never pushed myself past running a mile, I would just go and have fun celebrating fitness with a bunch of other women.

On the day of the celebration. I had a class at noon, so I decided to park at the school assuming there would be some kind of transportation to the downtown starting point. I was wrong. So I chose just to hoof the 2 miles to the starting line. About half way there, Winnie started acting out. ( I won't go into the details here, but when Winnie and I have a fight, Winnie ALWAYS wins)I was not prepared to deal with demands that refused to be ignored, so I turned around and went back to the car. Luckily I had the supplies I needed and was able to take care of the situation, glad that my shirt was very long and covered up the tale tale signs of my earlier struggles with my companion. By then, it was past the time we were supposed to be at the starting line, so I had a choice to make. I could either just chuck the whole idea and use the time to study, or I could proceed on with my plans to participate in something that was really important to me. I decided to go ahead and go back towards the starting line, figuring that since the path I needed to take to get to the starting point was along the race course, at some point I would just jump in and join those in my assigned group.

What I didn't count on was that even though I was later than I had anticipated, my wave was the last to go, so I got to my starting point just about the time that my wave started. By that time I had already walked about 4 miles in order to participate in a 5 K (which is about 3.1 miles). I was determined to just see if I could use what I had been learning, so when they took down the barriers for the purple wave, I just started running, well it was more a slow jog...some of the speed walkers were much faster, but it was more than just walking.

I was quite surprised that I wasn't really all that tired considering my earlier adventures, but I just concentrated on breathing and being fully aware of my body, pulling strength and chi energy from the core rather than my muscles. At one point, as I was trying to get into a better position I stumbled and fell onto my outstretched hands that still had the scabs from the last time I went running and hit the pavement (literally). I sat there for a minute and did a quick body check. To my surprise, nothing hurt. A couple of girls were right behind me and stopped to see if I was ok. I jumped up and said "Yep" and took off again. At some point I noticed I was no longer with the majority of the purple walking wave, but was beginning to pass the blues and some yellows (the timed walkers). My goal was to see if I could catch up with Deena and her girls who were in the blue wave. I never did see them, but along the way I saw other women I knew. After a short chat, I would wave goodbye and take off again. I was really surprised that even the hill that we went up was not daunting to me. By the time I got to the water station about 2/3 of the way, I could see the finish line and I knew I could do it so I just kept going. I still wasn't very fast, but I was perfectly fine going at my slow and steady pace.

As I turned the corner and started down the last half mile, I could see the men in tuxedos and shorts giving high fives to everyone who had gotten that far. That is when the tears started, not because I was in pain, but because I truly was celebrating something much more profound than just completing a 5 k jog.

As the hospital memories entered my mind, I got an amazing boost of strength and picked up my pace. I slapped the hands of many who were just telling me "good job" like they were telling everyone else who had reached the goal. No one but me had any idea of what I was celebrating. It was so much more than just a 5k run on Sept 25, 2009...it was a celebration of my body, my life, and all the miracles that have happened in the last few years. After I did the high five thing with the last man on tuxedor row. I automatically gave two more high fives to unseen hands that I knew were lifted to congratulate me and tell me how proud they were that I had chosen to stay in my body and finish my work on the earth.

I looked around at the thousands of other women who were completing the same course that I had, and even though, I did not recognize anyone I knew and never even met up with my team, I rejoiced in their accomplishments too. As I stood in line to get the promised breakfast, still a little overcome by what had just happened to me, a woman I did not know approached me. She said she had been watching me from above and knew there was something very significant happening to me because she saw my tears and weren't sure if they were tears of joy or pain and wanted to make sure I was ok. It was hard to put into words the culmination of not just an incredible year, but such gratitude for everything in my life. She didn't need the whole story, so I just told her I was celebrating far more than a finish line. In fact in many ways, I felt like this is a brand new beginning. Of what...I'm not sure

I then had to walk another mile and a half to get back to the university, but luckily I had a locker, towels, and clean clothes, so I showered and prepared myself to go to class. One of the things we had been asked to do was to bring something visual to deomonstrate to our classmates what dreams we cherished. I had already decided to share my intention list, but I also took my “shine out loud” t-shirt, as dirty and smelly as it was. When I stood up in front of the class to report my feelings, I was very emotional. I briefly shared with them my journey and then held up my shirt and did a sort of victory dance.

As I am writing this it is hard to put into words how grateful I am for the miracles in my life. When we finished the class today we each were invited to write something on the board describing what we got out of the class and what we plan on doing now.

I wrote in great big words I AM ALIVE!!! I am a positive, peaceful, powerful force for good. I love my life!!!

Thanks for sharing my journey.

Chris
If you would like to email me directly: trueyouchris@gmail.com

Florida Flamingoes

Today I had a sweet memory about an experience we had when we lived in Florida several years ago. For several weeks in a row , members of our ward were doing the Florida version of the Family Home Evening Phantom. One Monday night, there was a knock at the door. When we opened it there was a foil wrapped treat with a note telling us we had been flamingoed, and gave us directions to pass it on the next week. Upon further investigation, our yard was covered by a flock of 2 ft tall plastic flamingoes with little windmill wings. All week, as we drove to and from our house, we were reminded that someone cared about us.

The following week, as instructed, I made an extra home evening treat to give away. I baked a cake but didn't have anything disposable to put it on, so I chose an old, ugly plate that was the lone survivor of a set of plates I had used at college years ago. I wasn't heart broken to part with it, although I was a little embarrassed to be serving cake on it, even though it was totally anonymous.

We went over to the chosen house and got to work. It was a lot of fun arranging the flamingoes and doing the ring and run thing. Everyone was very hush- hush about who had started the tradition or who had been visited. About 6 weeks later, my daughter was at one of her friend's houses eating dinner. When I dropped her off, it was obvious the fun ws continuing because their yard held a flock of plastic pink flamingos that had landed there the Monday before.
When the family sat down to dinner, Charla was pleased when she was informed that because she was the guest, she would get to eat dinner on the "special plate". She felt a bit like a celebrity until her dinner was served and she recognized that the "special plate" was indeed the old discarded plate we had used for treats weeks before. When she asked what mad it special, she was told that it was the "flamingo plate" and had been delivered with goodies the night the flamingoes came. Apparently, it had been passed on and had become the traditional goody plate so now what was once useless and discarded now held special value. She didn't let on that it was our plate, but we had a good laugh about it when she got home.

I'm not sure where the plate ever ended up but now whenever I see a yard decorated with plastic pink flamingos I think about the lesson learned by that experience and how we put value on things. I wonder how often we discard people because we have the belief that they are useless and we choose to only see their flaws, (especially when we look in the mirror).

Next time you feel like giving up on someone, even if it is yourself, remember what the Lord has said, “The worth of a soul is great” It’s not the package that matters so much, it is the sweetness and uniqueness that is delivered with each individual, even cheesy pink flamingos!!

Christine

As a crystal clear instrument in God's hand, I reflect His love and illuminate the path of peace

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Consider the Possibility

The inspiration for this little video clip came from the writings of Joseph Smith while he was being held unjustly in Liberty Jail. The physical conditions were deplorable, but I imagine the most difficult challenge for Joseph and his companions was knowing that their families and loved ones were suffering beyond imagination. Under the circumstances, they must have felt helpless and could do nothing more than strengthen themselves through prayer and occasionally offer words of encouragement through letters.

Recently as I was studying some of Joseph's words, the following struck a chord of resonances with me and caused me to consider new possibilities about the circumstances in my own life.

"Therefore dearly beloved, we are more ready and willng to lay claim to fellowship and love. For our circumstances are calculated to awaken our spirits to a sacred remembrance of everything, and yours are also."

So I will just ask anyone who is reading this, or who may watch my little video to consider the possiblity that whatever challenges you are currently facing, however difficult your circumstaces may be, no matter how hopeless or helpless you might be feeling...there is a purpose.

Listen to your heart as you ask the question,

"Who Am I?" Why am I here?

The answer will come softly and sweetly as you allow yourself to connect with the source of all love. Your Father in Heaven knows you. He loves you. He sent you here with your own specific set of gifts, talents, and passions. He will help you create the life that you are meant to have, which is a life of joy.

When I look back at every aspect of my life, I am filled with nothing but gratitude because everything I have ever experienced has helped me to be the person I am today. Not a perfect person, but a peaceful person who is full of joy. I am very clear on what my life is all about now. And it feels wonderful to know that I am on task for what my life is all about.

You can too.

Christine,

A passionate, powerful, playful princess. God's light shines brightly through me illuminating His perfect path of peace.

Facing the Giants

A couple of years ago I was introduced to what has become one of my all time favorite movies. My sister-in-law calls this genre the “cheesy” Christian movies that we love because they have such great messages.

The following link is a clip from that movie as found on you tube http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-vB59PkB0eQ.
Every time I see it my heart goes out to the exhausted young athlete who is blindfolded, desperately wanting to quit while trying to reach an impossible goal, but having a coach, a cheerleader continuously encouraging him, telling him he can do it, pleading with him to keep on going and never give up. When he reaches the goal line, my heart always rejoices in the words “ you’re in the end zone”.

For some reason I always connected with the boy who was actually doing the death crawl. However as I was walking yesterday I was feeling so alive and so grateful for my body and all that is now opening up for me, a new insight came to me. I realized that for most of the last year, even though I as on what many people considered, my “death crawl” I was actually the one being carried. For most of the year I had no strength of my own. In many ways I was literally holding on for dear life, not knowing how far the end zone was. I, too could hear my coach telling me that I could do it. How grateful I am that the One who carried me was strong enough and capable enough to carry me as far as I needed to go.

The giants of discouragement, despondency and despair accompanied the grief I experienced after Jeff died. Facing those enormous feelings with what often felt like only a slingshot gave me incredible opportunities to practice faith by just holding on.

Today I am absolutely filled with gratitude and joy not only for the life I am living now, but for everything in the past that helped me recognize that no matter what giants might come into my future, I don’t have to face them alone. I have an amazing coach who will cheer me on, and shoulders wide enough and strong enough to carry me.

I love it!!!

Christine Dietzel
I am a passionate, powerful, playful princess. God's light shines brightly through me illuminating His perfect path of peace.

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Concetta Goodenough

Several years ago I received the intake information for a new customer for my medical supply business. When I read her name, Concetta Goodenough it just warmed my heart because I thought how awesome it would be to have a name that always reminded us that truth that we are good enough.

When Jeff and I served in the addiction recovery program we found that the root of every addiction was a core belief that “I am not good enough”
When I was at the Soul Purpose Intensive last week we were taught what is called the cycle of belief.

It begins by stating that the beliefs that we have (especially about ourselves) are either empowering or limiting. Next we discussed our potential. We all have unlimited potential, but depending on whether or now our beliefs are empowering or limiting will make us more powerful to achieve our potential or power-less.

The way we use our potential then leads to our actions. If we have empowering beliefs that help us see our full potential with power, then our actions will be productive.
However if we are operating on limiting beliefs that keep us feeling power-less, our actions will either be self-destructive, or our inaction will lead us to keep entrenched in the ruts we have so carefully carved for ourselves.

The results of our actions lead to either poverty or prosperity. We can actually be experiencing prosperity in one area of our lives, such as financial but be completely poverty stricken in our physical body or our relationships.

For example suppose a person is operation on the belief that “I will never be good enough” That belief creates a feeling of powerlessness over any circumstance and can lead directly to victim mentality. The cycle then leads the person to either do self-destructive things such as drugs, alcohol, sexual promiscuity or any number of other ways to prove that their belief system is correct including doing nothing at all to change any of the circumstances. The results are always in accordance with the original core belief.

The brain then seeks for a witness that the core belief is correct. So when the results of the belief that I will never be good enough reflect poverty, it’s like the brain says…told you so…I am worth less and can never be good enough…and so the cycle continues.

I have had the privilege of working with someone I care deeply about. He has been going through some very challenging times and is very committed to healing. We have had several breakthroughs in finding out what his core beliefs are and have had some sweet experiences as he has remembered who he truly is and has told himself the truth.

The other day he knew something very big had come up and once again sought some input from me. As we visited the answers he was seeking seemed a bit elusive until I went and got a mirror.
I asked him to look at his eyes and tell his image that he was good enough. His eyes filled with tears and he looked away. He just could not bring himself to say those words because for so long he had felt inadequate.

There was no convincing him otherwise, so I put the mirror down on the floor and asked him what he would have to do in order to step from the land of “notgoodenough” into the land of “goodenough”. As he thought about it, the list could go on forever because if the belief is I will never be good enough, then guess what? Nothing you ever do can change that.
I suggested that he just decide to step into a new land of limitless possibilities by changing his belief to I am ok just as I am. That doesn’t mean a person can’t continue to grow and change and expand. It just gives permission to shift the belief cycle into one that will create productive action and prosperity.

It is just a choice. It was interesting to see him hesitate to just step over what was really an imaginary line. But finally he built up his courage, took a big breath, and said “I AM GOOD ENOUGH!!!” and stepped across the line. I gave him a big hug and welcomed him into a whole new arena of possibilities and suggested that once he was accepted as a residence of this land, he never had to leave if he didn’t want to. But if he ever decided to go hang out in the land of “notgoodenough” again…he could choose how long to visit.

We all are beings with limitless possibilities. Be courageous to choose to live in the land of “Goodenough” with my friend Concetta. It is a wonderful place to take up permanent residence.

By the way, the reason I started writing again is because even though I am going back to school in the fall to study writing and communications, I am already good enough to share my little ramblings on this blog.

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The Truth Will Set You Free

Ok so last time I wrote I shared how profound my experience was at Soul Purpose.
One of the visions I had of what my life would be like as I truly lived in alignment with who I am and what I am here for is that I am connected at spirit level on both sides of the veil.

This has been a real challenge for me in the past because in the past my pattern has been to disconnect from people and mentally and emotionally check out and live pretty much a life of solitude.

I guess it was some kind of survival mechanism. But to be honest, it just doesn’t seem to be serving me very well anymore and I was getting rather lonely.
So I made a decision to reach out and connect again.

The response has been almost overwhelming as I have made connections at spirit level with many, many people

Here is one response I got.

“As I read over your post about the Soul Purpose intensive I feel spirit and energy all over. I'm still learning what that means when I feel that sensation, so I'm assuming it means it was a great benefit to you, it was filled with truth, or it had the sanction of the Holy Spirit,

Another friend sent me a post telling me how grateful she was I had decided to stick around.
I just said "ME TOO!!"

Much of the day has been spent in correspondence with a dear friend who knew Jeff and asked if she could read my manuscript and help with the editing. It has been very sweet to share these things with her and feel the enthusiasm she has about my writing.

I guess all this really got me pondering on how grateful I am that I didn’t check out early and decided to stay around to help prepare the earth for that which is to come..

Then my thoughts wandered where they often do, to my husband and I wondered if he felt like he fulfilled the measure of his creation or if he checked out early. Then as soon as I thought that another thought entered.

I finished the manuscript of Victory Over the Darkness at least 8 years ago. I knew it would have an impact, but I was not willing to do what it would take to get it published because of my own insecurities and my wanting to protect my husband.

He had encouraged me to do whatever I felt was necessary and gave me permission as long as he could be the one to do the final reading.

In the writing process I read every chapter to him to get his feedback and see if my memories matched what he remembered.

We had actually thought about doing a she said/he said type of format thus getting the same story from both perspectives. I’m sure his would have been much different than mine.
But alas that was not the case.

So here is the thought that came to me as I was pondering on whether or not he finished his mission. What if he was willing to face an incredible challenge and even sacrifice his life so that the truth could be told. What if that was his mission and he did exactly what he said he would do.
It really made me ponder and even more determined to get this story out so that his sacrifice wouldn’t be in vain.

I don’t know if that is the reality or not, but it does make a person ponder on what we might have agreed to do, or even asked to experience in this physical realm. One thing that I truly learned at the intensive was that no one’s purpose is better than or less than another. Each person is magnificent as they stand true to themselves.

I read a great quote on facebook.

It said Know the Truth of who you are, That is the Truth that will set you free.

I loved it. Honestly I feel freer now than I have felt for a very long time.

I like it.

I invite others to explore and invite that same freedom into your life.

Christine

I am a passionate, powerful, playful princess
God's love shines brilliantly through me thus illuminating His perfect path of peace
And so it is.


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Miracle of the Roses

I love reporting on miracles. They still occur.

This week has been very intense for me. Last fall my niece attended a workshop called "Awakening Soul Purpose" and has not been able to stop talking about it since then. When I first heard about it I definitely felt the stirrings in my heart telling me that this was something to pay attention to and I would know when the right time was.

I have to admit that the last few weeks I have been feeling somewhat lost, knowing that there was something I was supposed to be doing, but not exactly sure what it was. So when I got the invitation from Rossanne to go to the workshop in Salt Lake, I jumped at the chance.

On Tuesday as I was driving to Utah my mind was reflecting on many things and I was totally filled with gratitude. It was just one year ago that I went to bed and received a very personal message that if I did not go the hospital the next day, I would have a heart attack and die.

I didn't do any blogging at all last year because I was not in very good shape. My body was refusing nourishment and was shutting down. For months I had been barely able to function at all. It was a very difficult challenge for someone as active as me to have absolutely no strength or energy and to do nothing but lay around for days, weeks, and months on end.

So when I got the message that I could have a heart attack instead of slowly starving to death my first thought was, "oh that would be such an easy out, let me think about it for awhile." I then got a second message "and it would be ok if you did, you are totally prepared and you would be welcomed home". I have to admit that the thought of joining Jeff and Emily was very appealing and I did consider it. I knew that it really was my choice. If I did nothing, the results would end the problems I was having with this practice body of mine and I could go home.

As I pondered on the possibilities I thought of my children that were still here and realized that as appealing as the other option was I really did not want to put my family through one more death because they deserve to have at least one living parent. I also acknowledged that there was still more for me to do and that I am not a quitter.

So the next morning I had Jason take me to the emergency room for what I thought was going to be just a quick rehydration. Instead they admitted me to the hospital and put me in ICU and kept me on a heart monitor for 24 hours because my potassium levels were so low.

I was in the hospital for 10 days. I would love to say that from that point on I began to get better, but alas, that was not so.

I will tell the rest of the story on another blog because that isn't my purpose for writing tonight.

It was more that I was reflecting on where I was a year ago and where I am now. My heart was so full of gratitude. As my mind was caught up in these sweet thoughts, my attention was drawn to something that was playing on the radio. The words "even though we're apart, I'm sending roses from my heart" grabbed my attention and my heart skipped a beat and started doing the little pitter patter thing it always did when I would receive and unexpected gift from Jeff. Then the tears started falling as I remembered that the date was April 21. It was 30 years ago that we sealed our love across the marriage altar. In all my busyiness of preparing for my trip I had totally forgotten it was my anniversary.

As I always do on my anniversary I reflect on memories of past anniversaries especially the one 22 years ago. It was a very painful day because Jeff and I had separated. He was living in Seattle and I was living in Spokane trying to decide whether or not to continue to do the work it would take to make our marriage last. I had told Jeff I only had a small glimmer of hope that I clung too.

On our anniversary, he sent me a dozen roses. 11 red ones and one white one right in the middle. There was a note attached saying that the white one represented my glimmer of hope.

It was so sweet. I sent him a thank you note with the message that his gesture alone made my little glimmer of hope burst forth in brilliance and somehow I knew that we would make it.

Every year after that our anniversary was truly a celebration of our love and determination to create an eternal relationship. Almost every year Jeff would give me a mixture of red and white roses.

As I heard the words to this song and realized the significance of yet another miracle with Jeff, the gratitude that I had been feeling earlier intensified. I probably should have pulled over because the tears were falling so hard and fast I couldn't see very well.

Instead I just kept driving and allowed myself just to bask in the warmth of a love that is truly eternal. Even if he is not here on the physical realm we are still connected. I can't guarantee that I am done with the whole grieving process. I loved the roses he sent in the only way he could, but I would not be honest if I didn't also admit that even though I am doing much better than I have, I still miss him like crazy.

I have no doubt that I made the right decision in not checking out last year because I know I still have a purpose for being here.

Tomorrow I will write more about the experience I had at Soul Purpose Intensive and why I am absolutely determined to follow thru with what I know I am supposed to do.

Thanks for reading my little ramblings.

Chris

If you would like to email me directly: trueyouchris@gmail.com

Delight

Ok,

So I have decided it really is time to share again because it seems that the miracles are still continuing. Well, why wouldn't they? I had a very interesting experience in Sunday School today. The subject of the lesson was on likening the scriptures to ourselves. There were only a couple of verses that we even elaborated on, but somehow we all found a way to make them very personal.

Our discussion seemed to focus on how spouses can help each other and the question was asked how we can be of comfort to one another. The teacher admitted that sometimes it was difficult to him to know how to comfort his wife in a way that was really helpful. Others in the class shared similar sentiments, and of course my thoughts flashed back to the many times my sweet husband comforted me.

It was not something that came easily to him. He hated it when I cried and his natural instincts were to protect me and make everything all better. During the first years of our marriage, he would get very frustrated when I go t emotional because it made him feel somewhat helpless. In an effort to protect him from those kinds of feelings, I tried to shield him from my pain. It weakened us both because it wasn't safe to be emotionally honest with each other.

After we made the decision to become conscious in our marriage, we read several books together in an effort to understand our differences. One book that really gave us several aha's was "Men are From Mars, Women are From Venus" . I began to understand Jeff's need for "cave time" and he acknowledged that sometimes I needed to talk and talk and talk in a way that helped me hear myself other times, I just needed to be held and allowed to cry.

I totally appreciate the efforts my husband made to squelch his own discomfort with my emotions and make it safe for me to release them in a healthy way. As he would hold me and allow me to just cry, he truly became my hero.

I kept my musings and memories private because as many other couples shared their experiences, I began to feel just a bit sorry for myself. With all the grieving I have experienced since Jeff's death, I think the thing I have missed the most is feeling the comfort of his arms when I cry.

It was all I could do to sit still in class as the discussion continued. The next point that was brought up was delighting in one another. Once again the teacher, whose wife wasn't present, admitted that he really wasn't quite sure how to "delight" in his spouse and asked for examples of what we thought that might mean.

Once again, sweet memories rushed into my head, but this time I raised my hand and shared that my husband often told me I was his entertainment. I guess there were others that could relate to this and I heard many chuckles. After I related this, I noticed the oddest sensation as my body began tingling with warmth and I could have sworn I heard my husband's voice whispering in my ear that I am still am his entertainment.

Now I don't know for sure that this is what happened. Maybe it was just a really strange hot flash and my imagination bringing the memories to life, but I couldn't stop the tears, in fact they are falling again as I write this.

It's been over 2 years and though I am not in deep mourning any longer, I do still miss him, but I choose to think that somehow he still finds delight in who I am and is glad that I am moving forward in my life.

Delight is a delightful thing to experience.

If you would like to email me directly: trueyouchris@gmail.com

Oh My What a Ride!!!

I can't believe how long it has been since I have posted anything on this blog.
It is almost as if I dropped out of life for awhile.

Maybe that's a good way to describe the last year and a half.

I won't even try to put into detail all that I have gone through except to say that my body had a difficult time trying to decide whether or not to stick around in this sphere.

But I am here now, functioning well and ready to face whatever the future brings to me.

As I have reviewed this blog I am so grateful for the experiences that have led me to the point I am now.

Perhaps the experiences I had during those pressure filled days in preparation for Jeff to continue his journey forward will help others who are in that same process.

I am thinking about putting the blog in book form and adding to it as a resource for anyone who is facing a challenging situation.

More than anything, I just want to reiterate that I love life and still believe in miracles.

All my love,

Chris


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