Several years ago I read a book that had a deep impact in my life. It was called simply "relationships". I don't remember who the author was, but it began with a father and daughter talking about what was important in life and what we take with us when we go. In their discussion it all came down to one thing....relationships. There was a line in the book that said something to the effect of things are the antithesis of people. So when you have a choice to get another thing done or strengthen a relationship, choose the relationship because that is the most important of all.
The book divided the relationships into 3 categories. Relationships to self, others, and to God. When it comes right down to it, these really are the only things we can take with us. The relationship to self includes all the knowledge we acquire, the way we treat our own body, and the way we feel about who we are. Relationships with others includes friends, families, acquaintances, and people we sometimes just briefly rub shoulders with but who leave an imprint on our lives. The relationship with God is all that we believe about who we are, where we came from and where we are going. It is about trusting that there is a purpose to this life and that there is a source of love that we can return to.
I have been thinking a lot about that book lately because I have had the privilege over the last few weeks of witnessing a true change of heart. Jeff's relationship with himself has changed as he has brought forward and released so much old energy regarding the feelings he has had about mistakes he has made in the past and who he really is. I have loved Jeff for a long time. It has been awesome to watch him learn to really love and accept himself in spite of the fact that what he is experiencing right now is direct consequence of some of his choice.
We had some friends who were passing through Boise on their way to Salt Lake stop by this afternoon just to say hi and tell Jeff they love him. Last week, other friends stopped by on their way back to Washington. Tomorrow some of Charla's friends are coming up to visit. Next week other dear friends of ours are coming from Arizona. Many members of my family have come by to visit and just feel the sweetness of our home. There are others who would love to come if they could.
Why is it people feel the need come at the end of someone's life? It boils down to relationships. Over the years we have opened our home and our hearts to a variety of people both young and old. In every case, service was rendered either to us or by us and lasting bonds were forged. Some of the people who are finding ways to visit us are friends we haven't seen for many years, but Jeff left an imprint on their lives. He cannot communicate much of how he feels, but he is aware of every person who comes through our door and knows who they are. He is very grateful for the effort they made to come and visit. It is easy to see how relationships with others can come to the very forefront as it gets time to say goodbye to this earthly body.
The others category also includes family. Jeff loves his family. There is nothing but peace in his heart in regards to his family. They cannot be here to say goodbye in person, but Jeff knows their hearts and sends out his love to them and wants them to know that he feels their love and prayers for him.
Right now he just wants me and his children to stay very close to him. Our oldest son isn't here yet, but I think Jeff understands that. I don't know if he will hold out long enough for Seth to get here or not. He is tired of his body and very ready to go home but his desire is to wait until he can strengthen the relationship he has with his son before he goes.
Jeff's relationship with God is so sweet. When he first got sick the idea of going home to a Heavenly Father was not pleasant becuase he put mortal attributes on that relationship and thought maybe his father might not be pleased with him. Now he feels the love of God completely surrounding and supporting him. His understanding has increased dramatically over the last few weeks and as he has shared those things with me, my relationship with God has been strengthened.
I hope when my turn comes to go and join Jeff that I can feel totally at peace with myself, with my family, with others, and especially with God. After all, that really is the only thing any of us will take with us.
Wouldn't the world be an awesome place for all of us to live if people put relationships first and allowed healing to take place in individual hearts first, then in homes and families, neighborhoods, and across the world. We don't necessarily have the kind of power to change the world, but anyone can start by checking out the relationship they have with themself by looking in the mirror and honestly telling themselves that they love and appreciate who they are warts and all. If there is resistance to doing that, there are fabulous tools available to help them discover the patterns in their lives that are keeping them stuck and then release them so they no longer have power over them. (www,emofree.com)
We don't have to die before we can choose to live. It's all about relationships.
Chris
Thursday, November 30, 2006
Wednesday, November 29, 2006
On Death and Birth
Lately I have been thinking a lot about birth and death. There are so many parallels. When I was pregnant with each of my children, there was anticipation and wonder as I felt life stir within me. Preparations were made for each new spirit to come and join our family. There was also a little bit of apprehension because even though there were specific signs I had been taught to look for, I wasn't sure exactly what to expect or when the birth process itself would start. I chose to have each child naturally because I felt that would be the most beneficial way for my children to be enter this physical realm. Each birth was very similar in many ways, but totally unique in others. Each birth was an absolute miracle as the veil was parted for a few moments and heaven touched earth as the spirit and body joined together separated from the womb. With Emily's birth in particular I felt a tremendous outpouring of peace as her body separated from mine. It was if the entire room was engulfed with the tangible sweetness of her spirit and all who were present felt it.
When the time came to take each new baby home, it was joyful, and a little fearful because each new little person was completely dependant on us for their needs. It also required a lot of dedicated time. Most often I found total joy in feeding, bathing, changing diapers, and in cuddling, calming, and connecting with their sweet little spirits. Their way of communicating was limited at first, so I had to learn to interpret their cries to know what their needs were. I always felt that if their mouths were opened, they could tell me a lot about where they had just come from. I also felt like even though their little bodies and brains were not quite developed, there was a full grown spirit that understood everything that was going on. I also wondered who they were smiling at sometimes because as infants they seemed to sense the presence of others who were unseen to my physical eyes.
I lost a lot of sleep in helping each new baby make the transition from the safe environment they were so comfortable in to a new and unfamiliar way of life. Often, it was hard work and sometimes I just longed for uninterupted sleep. But always the needs of my babies came first and I saw it as a labor of love. I knew they depended on me, not just for their physical needs, but also for the connection that bonded them to the earth.
And now I am helping someone I love reverse the order. I am helping him break the connection that bonds him to the earth. His needs come first right now. Sometimes I long for uniterupted sleep, but it is always a labor of love. One I do not mind. It is important to me that I help Jeff make the transition from this safe, familiar environment to move toward one that is even more familiar to his spirit. His communication right now is limited and I continue to try to be an interpreter so that I can know what his needs are. His brain has been damaged, but he has a fully functioning spirit that knows exactly what is going on. And I believe that if his mouth were fully opened, he could tell me a lot more about where he is going. Often times I wonder who he is talking to because I know that he can see the presence of others I cannot see with my visible eyes. I find joy in feeding, bathing, changing, calming, cuddling, and communicating with his spirit. Right now, he is completely dependant on others to meet his needs. For me it is an honor to assist in this transitional phase.
We are in the process of making preparations for Jeff to leave our family. There is much anticipation and a little bit of apprehension because we do not know exactly what to expect. There are many similarities with death, but each experience is unique.We know that there are specific signs to watch for as the death process begins, but we do not know exactly when that will be. We know that for a few moments the veil will part as Jeff's spirit and body separate and it will be a miracle. I pray that there will be a tremendous tangible outpouring of peace as he is welcomed back to that home from whence he came and even more miracles of healing and comfort for those of us who are left behind grieve his loss.
When it comes right down to it those times of transition when the veil is very thin is what helps our spirits remember our heavenly home and we connect with a deeper purpose inside. It makes us long to have answers to the most primal of questions about life itself. What a wonderful opportunity it is to share this with someone who is experiencing it first hand. People who come into our home do not find it is a place of somber sadness, it is sacred territory where the veil is thin and they leave feeling rejuvenated and more full of hope than when they came. It isn't because the circumstance aren't sad, because they are. It isn't because we put on some kind of cheery pretense in an effort to avoid reality as you know by yesterday's post. It is because right now Jeff is living proof of the truth of a plan of happiness.
He hasn't answered all my questions yet. Mostly when he is lucid and I start grilling him, he just says, "why do you want to know?" But tonight he told me he could see me because I glowed. That was very sweet. He was also able to tell me of his feelings about the Savior. That was even sweeter. I find when he is restless, the thing he wants the most if for me to read him the stories of Jesus and to play children's music of the Savior. That always has a very calming effect on him.
One last ramble. I was very grateful for the hospice aid who came out and helped today. She shaved Jeff, something that I gave up doing a couple of weeks ago. So tonight he actually looks like my husband, and not some stranger occupying this hospital bed. I am grateful for hospice. To me they are the equivalent of midwives. Both are trained to make the transition from one realm to the other safe, natural, and as loving and peaceful as possible without all the machines and noises, and sounds of the hospital. I like that. Birth and Death are only bookends to mortality. It's nice to know that's not all there is.
Chris
When the time came to take each new baby home, it was joyful, and a little fearful because each new little person was completely dependant on us for their needs. It also required a lot of dedicated time. Most often I found total joy in feeding, bathing, changing diapers, and in cuddling, calming, and connecting with their sweet little spirits. Their way of communicating was limited at first, so I had to learn to interpret their cries to know what their needs were. I always felt that if their mouths were opened, they could tell me a lot about where they had just come from. I also felt like even though their little bodies and brains were not quite developed, there was a full grown spirit that understood everything that was going on. I also wondered who they were smiling at sometimes because as infants they seemed to sense the presence of others who were unseen to my physical eyes.
I lost a lot of sleep in helping each new baby make the transition from the safe environment they were so comfortable in to a new and unfamiliar way of life. Often, it was hard work and sometimes I just longed for uninterupted sleep. But always the needs of my babies came first and I saw it as a labor of love. I knew they depended on me, not just for their physical needs, but also for the connection that bonded them to the earth.
And now I am helping someone I love reverse the order. I am helping him break the connection that bonds him to the earth. His needs come first right now. Sometimes I long for uniterupted sleep, but it is always a labor of love. One I do not mind. It is important to me that I help Jeff make the transition from this safe, familiar environment to move toward one that is even more familiar to his spirit. His communication right now is limited and I continue to try to be an interpreter so that I can know what his needs are. His brain has been damaged, but he has a fully functioning spirit that knows exactly what is going on. And I believe that if his mouth were fully opened, he could tell me a lot more about where he is going. Often times I wonder who he is talking to because I know that he can see the presence of others I cannot see with my visible eyes. I find joy in feeding, bathing, changing, calming, cuddling, and communicating with his spirit. Right now, he is completely dependant on others to meet his needs. For me it is an honor to assist in this transitional phase.
We are in the process of making preparations for Jeff to leave our family. There is much anticipation and a little bit of apprehension because we do not know exactly what to expect. There are many similarities with death, but each experience is unique.We know that there are specific signs to watch for as the death process begins, but we do not know exactly when that will be. We know that for a few moments the veil will part as Jeff's spirit and body separate and it will be a miracle. I pray that there will be a tremendous tangible outpouring of peace as he is welcomed back to that home from whence he came and even more miracles of healing and comfort for those of us who are left behind grieve his loss.
When it comes right down to it those times of transition when the veil is very thin is what helps our spirits remember our heavenly home and we connect with a deeper purpose inside. It makes us long to have answers to the most primal of questions about life itself. What a wonderful opportunity it is to share this with someone who is experiencing it first hand. People who come into our home do not find it is a place of somber sadness, it is sacred territory where the veil is thin and they leave feeling rejuvenated and more full of hope than when they came. It isn't because the circumstance aren't sad, because they are. It isn't because we put on some kind of cheery pretense in an effort to avoid reality as you know by yesterday's post. It is because right now Jeff is living proof of the truth of a plan of happiness.
He hasn't answered all my questions yet. Mostly when he is lucid and I start grilling him, he just says, "why do you want to know?" But tonight he told me he could see me because I glowed. That was very sweet. He was also able to tell me of his feelings about the Savior. That was even sweeter. I find when he is restless, the thing he wants the most if for me to read him the stories of Jesus and to play children's music of the Savior. That always has a very calming effect on him.
One last ramble. I was very grateful for the hospice aid who came out and helped today. She shaved Jeff, something that I gave up doing a couple of weeks ago. So tonight he actually looks like my husband, and not some stranger occupying this hospital bed. I am grateful for hospice. To me they are the equivalent of midwives. Both are trained to make the transition from one realm to the other safe, natural, and as loving and peaceful as possible without all the machines and noises, and sounds of the hospital. I like that. Birth and Death are only bookends to mortality. It's nice to know that's not all there is.
Chris
Tuesday, November 28, 2006
Reality
This morning I woke up to find Jeff kissing me. It felt so warm and sweet. I could just feel his love permeating every fiber of my being. I was surprised because he had gotten out of bed to kiss me. He then informed me he had been healing all along, but hadn't said anything because he wanted to surprise me. I was so thrilled. It was exactly the miracle I knew could happen. He then asked me if I was ready to spend the day on a big adventure. I told him of course I was, "Let's go!!!"
Then the phone rang and really woke me up. Dang!! I hate waking up from those kinds of dreams. It was the biggest let down I have had in a very long time to realize the reality had not changed. Jeff was still laying in his bed dying, and our biggest adventures are still to come. They may be delayed somewhat until it is my turn to join him, which I have informed him is not going to be for a VERY long time yet.
So with reality hitting me square in the face I have kind of been forced to make decisions for Jeff we should have made together a long time ago. Death is one of those things we don't really want to think about. I remember as a child coming to the realization that someday my grandparents, then my parents, and eventually I would die. But it was just a fleeting thought that I only remembered when I was told the news that my grandmother had passed away. But she was old. It just never occured to me that the time would come when I would be facing burying my husband. Even when he faced his mortality with malignant melanoma twice and we have had the HIV thing hanging over us for years, I honestly just did not think it was possible that it would snuff out life, so it wasn't something we prepared for.
I am almost embarassed to publicly admit how immature I have probably been about the whole thing. On the other hand, I am only human with a few weaknesses of my own like wanting to live in a dream world instead of facing reality. Sometimes reality really sucks. Ok, there I said it. Now all of you who have wanted to put me on some kind of a pedestal for being super human in the face of this challenge can breathe a sigh of relief and know that I am nothing more than an average person who has been thrust into the middle of an extraordinary challenge. Sometimes I handle my challenges well, other times...well...not so well.
OK, so back to reality and facing big adult decisions. I had Charla take some money out of the bank to give to my parents to buy a burial plot for Jeff in Spokane. That was his desire and only makes sense to me. My father called me last night and asked if they could buy my burial plot next to Jeff's. Once again I was thrown for a loop. My own mortality has never been in question. It was sweet of my father to think about me though and want to help. I have made a firm decision to just be grateful for whatever is offered because there is an abundant universe just waiting for me to decide to receive what is available even if it is in the form of my burial plot. It is coming from a place of love and concern. I chose to accept the gracious offer.
So now I am ready to face other adult decisions and let go of any lingering guilt about not being as prepared as we should have been for something that seems so inevitable. Guilt serves no purpose in this instance except to drag me down, which is something I really can't afford right now. Actually guilt is one of those totally misunderstood, misused emotions. It is only meant to be like the totally obnoxious voice on a GPS system telling you "off course, do you still want to get to your planned destination?" Once you correct your course, the voice goes away until another correction is needed. But some people allow that voice to become the loud speaker in their ear reminding them over and over and over again that at one point in their previous journey they missed a turn. Then they continue to compile all the missed turns so the destination itself gets totally out of focus. So rather than try to finish the journey using the online guidance system they just turn it off completely and try to navigate on their own.
Right now I am totally dependant on my guidance system so I will just face each reality as it comes and be an adult about it knowing that in the past I have made mistakes and in the future I will most assuredly make more mistakes, but if I choose to change my course immediately those mistakes don't have to totally mess up my journey. In fact, they just might take me on a more scenic route, or at least more adventurous. That's a good way for me to look at reality tonight, just a blip in the whole scheme of things. I can handle blips.
Chris
Then the phone rang and really woke me up. Dang!! I hate waking up from those kinds of dreams. It was the biggest let down I have had in a very long time to realize the reality had not changed. Jeff was still laying in his bed dying, and our biggest adventures are still to come. They may be delayed somewhat until it is my turn to join him, which I have informed him is not going to be for a VERY long time yet.
So with reality hitting me square in the face I have kind of been forced to make decisions for Jeff we should have made together a long time ago. Death is one of those things we don't really want to think about. I remember as a child coming to the realization that someday my grandparents, then my parents, and eventually I would die. But it was just a fleeting thought that I only remembered when I was told the news that my grandmother had passed away. But she was old. It just never occured to me that the time would come when I would be facing burying my husband. Even when he faced his mortality with malignant melanoma twice and we have had the HIV thing hanging over us for years, I honestly just did not think it was possible that it would snuff out life, so it wasn't something we prepared for.
I am almost embarassed to publicly admit how immature I have probably been about the whole thing. On the other hand, I am only human with a few weaknesses of my own like wanting to live in a dream world instead of facing reality. Sometimes reality really sucks. Ok, there I said it. Now all of you who have wanted to put me on some kind of a pedestal for being super human in the face of this challenge can breathe a sigh of relief and know that I am nothing more than an average person who has been thrust into the middle of an extraordinary challenge. Sometimes I handle my challenges well, other times...well...not so well.
OK, so back to reality and facing big adult decisions. I had Charla take some money out of the bank to give to my parents to buy a burial plot for Jeff in Spokane. That was his desire and only makes sense to me. My father called me last night and asked if they could buy my burial plot next to Jeff's. Once again I was thrown for a loop. My own mortality has never been in question. It was sweet of my father to think about me though and want to help. I have made a firm decision to just be grateful for whatever is offered because there is an abundant universe just waiting for me to decide to receive what is available even if it is in the form of my burial plot. It is coming from a place of love and concern. I chose to accept the gracious offer.
So now I am ready to face other adult decisions and let go of any lingering guilt about not being as prepared as we should have been for something that seems so inevitable. Guilt serves no purpose in this instance except to drag me down, which is something I really can't afford right now. Actually guilt is one of those totally misunderstood, misused emotions. It is only meant to be like the totally obnoxious voice on a GPS system telling you "off course, do you still want to get to your planned destination?" Once you correct your course, the voice goes away until another correction is needed. But some people allow that voice to become the loud speaker in their ear reminding them over and over and over again that at one point in their previous journey they missed a turn. Then they continue to compile all the missed turns so the destination itself gets totally out of focus. So rather than try to finish the journey using the online guidance system they just turn it off completely and try to navigate on their own.
Right now I am totally dependant on my guidance system so I will just face each reality as it comes and be an adult about it knowing that in the past I have made mistakes and in the future I will most assuredly make more mistakes, but if I choose to change my course immediately those mistakes don't have to totally mess up my journey. In fact, they just might take me on a more scenic route, or at least more adventurous. That's a good way for me to look at reality tonight, just a blip in the whole scheme of things. I can handle blips.
Chris
Monday, November 27, 2006
He Called My Name
I got an sweet email this morning from a dear friend of ours who is very concerned about Jeff. It was full of comfort and wisdom. She made this comment "I hope that God holds your soul in a cocoon of peace until the proper time for you to deal with this unbearable situation". As I read this I had a most interesting reaction. I looked at Jeff and thought, this isn't unbearable. For the most part it is very sweet. (I said for the most part).
It made me begin to ponder the word "unbearable" I used to believe that the Lord would never give us more than we could bear. This type of thinking allowed me to put blame on God for every challenge that we face in mortality rather than accept responsibility for the things we have created by our own thoughts and actions. God as I see him now is not interested in micromanaging our lives. I see him more as the cheerleader, the support, tacche rule givear, and the enforcer. He allows us to have our agency or free will but he does not make good things or bad things happen to us. The way I see God's role in my life is to guide me, direct me, comfort me and support me during tough times.
As such, nothing is unbearable if we seek his assistance. On the other hand there are some things that I cannot imagine...and would be unbearable to me.
I cannot imagine living a life full of regret and resentment.
I cannot imagine living a life full of anger and a heart unwilling to forgive
I cannot imagine believing that this earth life is it all there is
I cannot imagine not having hope
Our circumstances right now are difficult and very challenging, but they are by no means "unbearable". We have gifts given to us on a daily basis that helps me cope with the demands.
My sister and her husband and daughters stopped by to see Jeff this evening. It was delightful to see him come to life and thoroughly enjoy their company. My niece took her 4 month old baby and let him hold Jeff's finger. Jeff just grinned. He loved it when the girls sang to him. It was just a sweet experience all the way around...very bearable.
Earlier in the day the hospice nurse was here to fill out the mountain of paperwork. We were almost done when I heard my name being yelled from the other room. Now most people would not get excited about their husband yelling their name like that throughout the house. But me, I was thrilled. You see, Jeff hasn't spoken my name for several weeks now. He knows who I am, but for some reason names are one of those things that he just can't get out.
When I asked him what the problem was, he said "nothing". I asked him if he was bored to which his reply was yes. He could hear us talking in the other room and really wanted us to come back to where he was. Just hearing him call my name was like a soothing ointment.
These are the kinds of tender mercies that make this life one that is not unbearable, but one rich in adventure, experience and wonder. We never know what tomorrow will bring. It is way exciting.
As for learning how to work through situations that seem unbearable, the greatest advice I can give anyone is to cast your burdens on the Lord and let him lighten your load. It makes all the difference in the world. Each day when new challenges arise, I listen with my heart and I hear Him calling my name, promising strength, wisdom, and guidance.
My only job is then to receive.
This is what makes my life far more than just "bearable" It makes it rich and fuliffing.
Chris
It made me begin to ponder the word "unbearable" I used to believe that the Lord would never give us more than we could bear. This type of thinking allowed me to put blame on God for every challenge that we face in mortality rather than accept responsibility for the things we have created by our own thoughts and actions. God as I see him now is not interested in micromanaging our lives. I see him more as the cheerleader, the support, tacche rule givear, and the enforcer. He allows us to have our agency or free will but he does not make good things or bad things happen to us. The way I see God's role in my life is to guide me, direct me, comfort me and support me during tough times.
As such, nothing is unbearable if we seek his assistance. On the other hand there are some things that I cannot imagine...and would be unbearable to me.
I cannot imagine living a life full of regret and resentment.
I cannot imagine living a life full of anger and a heart unwilling to forgive
I cannot imagine believing that this earth life is it all there is
I cannot imagine not having hope
Our circumstances right now are difficult and very challenging, but they are by no means "unbearable". We have gifts given to us on a daily basis that helps me cope with the demands.
My sister and her husband and daughters stopped by to see Jeff this evening. It was delightful to see him come to life and thoroughly enjoy their company. My niece took her 4 month old baby and let him hold Jeff's finger. Jeff just grinned. He loved it when the girls sang to him. It was just a sweet experience all the way around...very bearable.
Earlier in the day the hospice nurse was here to fill out the mountain of paperwork. We were almost done when I heard my name being yelled from the other room. Now most people would not get excited about their husband yelling their name like that throughout the house. But me, I was thrilled. You see, Jeff hasn't spoken my name for several weeks now. He knows who I am, but for some reason names are one of those things that he just can't get out.
When I asked him what the problem was, he said "nothing". I asked him if he was bored to which his reply was yes. He could hear us talking in the other room and really wanted us to come back to where he was. Just hearing him call my name was like a soothing ointment.
These are the kinds of tender mercies that make this life one that is not unbearable, but one rich in adventure, experience and wonder. We never know what tomorrow will bring. It is way exciting.
As for learning how to work through situations that seem unbearable, the greatest advice I can give anyone is to cast your burdens on the Lord and let him lighten your load. It makes all the difference in the world. Each day when new challenges arise, I listen with my heart and I hear Him calling my name, promising strength, wisdom, and guidance.
My only job is then to receive.
This is what makes my life far more than just "bearable" It makes it rich and fuliffing.
Chris
Sunday, November 26, 2006
Warm Body
Today brought a plethora of emotions and interesting experiences. The morning was pretty typical, although I plunged into doing the sponge bath thing and changing Jeff's sheets all by myself. The other day the nurse showed me how to do it with the patient still in the bed. She has been in ICU for years and was an expert. I on the other hand am quite a novice at it and wasn't sure exactly what I was doing. For a nurse, their most important concern is getting the task done. For me, my biggest concern was Jeff's comfort and making sure he felt safe. I can't say that I was as efficient as the nurse, but when we were done, I made Jeff give me a high five.
Jason stayed with Jeff while I went to church. I was a little late and made a very unconscious mistake of sitting in the back row. I ended up between two older women who are both widows. About half way through the meeting I could feel my chest getting tighter and tighter and I became more and more agitated. I finally realized that by sitting where I did, it was almost as if I was giving myself a new label, one that I am not ready to assume. The emotions became so intense that I excused myself and left.
I came home and crawled onto the side of Jeff's bed, put my head on his shoulders and just wept. I am not ready to be a widow. I am far too young to join that crowd. I was just missing him so much already. He did not like me crying, but I told him that I still need him and for now his body is still warm and I was going to take advantage of it. It felt good to cry for a little while, but then I realized that I was not choosing to live in present time, but was projecting myself into a future that is not here yet. So I brought myself back to the present and was just grateful that his body really was still very warm.
Later on in the evening, he became very alert. More so than he has for quite some time. He was also able to communicate on a somewhat higher level which meant that he had things he wanted to tell me. He told me that he needed my help. It took awhile to figure out what help he needed because the only additional information he gave me is that it is what he has been working on. Then it was a matter of playing the guessing game. It had to do with others and unfinished business. The others turned out to be our children. He needed my help to let them know how much he loved them and wanted to teach them some of the things he is learning. I told him I would help as much as I could. He appreciated that.
I could tell that he was much more lucid than he has been for quite some time, so I took the opportunity to ask some very pointed questions. His answers were very interesting. When I asked him about his eyes, he told me he can see very clearly now, but what he sees is the spiritual dimension. I asked him to describe it. He said it is beautiful. I reminded him that he has often said that he just can't imagine anything more beautiful than the earth as we know it. He told me this place is more beautiful.
I asked him about his teachers. He said they come and go. I asked him if he knew them and could identify them. His answer was a very firm yes. I also asked him if his spirit has gone on a journey to visit this place. He indicated that yes, he has gone and visited a little and was given a choice. The choice he made to go home was out of love for me because he did not want to be a burden to me anymore. I told him I appreciated his thoughtfulness, but asked him to consider making a new decision because it isn't too late. He told me he is just tired and that it is a very good place and he is looking forward to being there. I asked him if he had seen the Savior yet. His answer was kind of. I'm not sure what he meant by that, except he did indicate that he felt his great love. I asked him more about Emily. He said she is here with us often but she is very busy and happy. She loves us very much and is glad that I am studying energy. I asked if it was her that led the way for me to do that. The answer was a very firm yes.
As we were talking, I realized I should have some kind of tape recorder or at least a notebook to record the messages he is teaching. I also realized what a gift it is for us for Jeff not to have his physical eyes right now because it has given his spiritual eyes an opening. I also wonder if we are being given and opportunity of this type of learning because the lesions in his brain are making it possible to connect more with the spirit dimension without his body interfering. I often wish he had his total faculties and could communicate very clearly, but now I am wondering if we would be having this experience if it were any other way. I don't know. I just have so many questions. I feel like this bedroom is sacred ground right now because Jeff is a window to another dimension and I am full of questions. Unfortunately the windows of opportunity for this kind of learning are very unstable and I can only get a few of my questions answered at one sitting.
I don't know how long this phase will last. In many ways it is like having a newborn baby fresh from the spirit realm. We know if they could talk, they could tell us about the place they came from because the veil is still so very thin. It is just a fascination journey. It will interesting to see what tomorrow brings.
But for tonight I am very glad that there is still a warm body, one that seems so disabled by outward appearances, but is becoming more and more tuned into the spiritual side. There is no sadness in that, only mere curiousity and gratitude on my part.
Finding faith, having hope, looking toward the light, creating joy.
Chris
Jason stayed with Jeff while I went to church. I was a little late and made a very unconscious mistake of sitting in the back row. I ended up between two older women who are both widows. About half way through the meeting I could feel my chest getting tighter and tighter and I became more and more agitated. I finally realized that by sitting where I did, it was almost as if I was giving myself a new label, one that I am not ready to assume. The emotions became so intense that I excused myself and left.
I came home and crawled onto the side of Jeff's bed, put my head on his shoulders and just wept. I am not ready to be a widow. I am far too young to join that crowd. I was just missing him so much already. He did not like me crying, but I told him that I still need him and for now his body is still warm and I was going to take advantage of it. It felt good to cry for a little while, but then I realized that I was not choosing to live in present time, but was projecting myself into a future that is not here yet. So I brought myself back to the present and was just grateful that his body really was still very warm.
Later on in the evening, he became very alert. More so than he has for quite some time. He was also able to communicate on a somewhat higher level which meant that he had things he wanted to tell me. He told me that he needed my help. It took awhile to figure out what help he needed because the only additional information he gave me is that it is what he has been working on. Then it was a matter of playing the guessing game. It had to do with others and unfinished business. The others turned out to be our children. He needed my help to let them know how much he loved them and wanted to teach them some of the things he is learning. I told him I would help as much as I could. He appreciated that.
I could tell that he was much more lucid than he has been for quite some time, so I took the opportunity to ask some very pointed questions. His answers were very interesting. When I asked him about his eyes, he told me he can see very clearly now, but what he sees is the spiritual dimension. I asked him to describe it. He said it is beautiful. I reminded him that he has often said that he just can't imagine anything more beautiful than the earth as we know it. He told me this place is more beautiful.
I asked him about his teachers. He said they come and go. I asked him if he knew them and could identify them. His answer was a very firm yes. I also asked him if his spirit has gone on a journey to visit this place. He indicated that yes, he has gone and visited a little and was given a choice. The choice he made to go home was out of love for me because he did not want to be a burden to me anymore. I told him I appreciated his thoughtfulness, but asked him to consider making a new decision because it isn't too late. He told me he is just tired and that it is a very good place and he is looking forward to being there. I asked him if he had seen the Savior yet. His answer was kind of. I'm not sure what he meant by that, except he did indicate that he felt his great love. I asked him more about Emily. He said she is here with us often but she is very busy and happy. She loves us very much and is glad that I am studying energy. I asked if it was her that led the way for me to do that. The answer was a very firm yes.
As we were talking, I realized I should have some kind of tape recorder or at least a notebook to record the messages he is teaching. I also realized what a gift it is for us for Jeff not to have his physical eyes right now because it has given his spiritual eyes an opening. I also wonder if we are being given and opportunity of this type of learning because the lesions in his brain are making it possible to connect more with the spirit dimension without his body interfering. I often wish he had his total faculties and could communicate very clearly, but now I am wondering if we would be having this experience if it were any other way. I don't know. I just have so many questions. I feel like this bedroom is sacred ground right now because Jeff is a window to another dimension and I am full of questions. Unfortunately the windows of opportunity for this kind of learning are very unstable and I can only get a few of my questions answered at one sitting.
I don't know how long this phase will last. In many ways it is like having a newborn baby fresh from the spirit realm. We know if they could talk, they could tell us about the place they came from because the veil is still so very thin. It is just a fascination journey. It will interesting to see what tomorrow brings.
But for tonight I am very glad that there is still a warm body, one that seems so disabled by outward appearances, but is becoming more and more tuned into the spiritual side. There is no sadness in that, only mere curiousity and gratitude on my part.
Finding faith, having hope, looking toward the light, creating joy.
Chris
Saturday, November 25, 2006
Choosing to Believe
If today is any indication of what the rest of this journey is going to be like, we are all in for the ride of a lifetime. (literally). When Jeff woke up this morning, I could tell he was agitated. I think perhaps he realized how life changing his decision yesterday was and he told me he was scared. I assured him that it was a perfectly natural emotion and asked him if he would like some help with it. He said "ok". So I began to do some EFT (www.emofree.com). In the past, that has always calmed him down almost immediately. But this time, his agitation increased. I called my sister and asked for her advice. Her answer threw me for a bit of a loop because she asked me who else was in the room. There was no one visible but Jeff and I. She asked the same question again and I realized that perhaps the reason I was not having any effect was because it was time for me to step away from the scene and let others who knew far more than I did about the Spirit realm help him.
Like I said in yesterday's post, I was a witness to some marvelous events at the passing on of Jeff's father. After the ventilator tube that was keeping him alive was removed, he did not die immediately like we were led to believe he would. Instead, he woke up fully aware of who we were and where he was. We had a delightful time giving hugs and seeing his sense of humor so intact. He spoke in whispers because of the tube that had been in his throat, but his communication was clear as he talked with his children. At one point, his gaze moved upward and his eyes filled with surprise. The he said "what are you doing here? it's been a long time." We did not know who he was talking to at the time, but it was a very real conversation he was having. His gaze then went back to those of us in the room and he seemed almost surprised that we were still there. He then described to us was that it was like a window had opened and the room had filled with angels. We could not see anything ourselves, but we could hear his side of the communication he was having. It was very humbling as well as fascinating. One of the most interesting conversations he had was when he said, "mother, how do you expect me to do this?". It never occured to me that perhaps when it comes right down to it, we may not know how to die. For many hours, we witnessed him being taught.
So today I was not surprised when I was once again a witness to teaching from the Spirit realm. During this time, I did not want to interrupt or intrude, so I just observed. It was not quite as astonishing as it was with Jeff's dad, because for the most part Jeff was very quiet with only a few yes, no's, and ok's. Mostly he just listened. Sometimes he resisted what was being taught to him, sometimes he got tears in his eyes. I could tell he was accessing information by the way his eyes moved. It was exactly the same as when I do EFT (www.emofree.com) with him. After about 2 hours, he took a great big breath and sighed. When we are doing EFT, this is the sign that whatever needed to be released has been completed.
Later on when I asked him if he was being taught, he responded affirmatively. When I asked him if he was still afraid, he said, "only a little bit". Then I asked him who had come to visit him. He responded yes to Emily, his father, his grandparents Pearson, his great grandfather Gustav, and his Great Grandfather Riley Pearson. He said there were lots of others that had come around. When I asked him if they taught him about Jesus, he said "yes". I also asked him if he felt their love for him. That was a big yes.
For the rest of the day he was very calm and at peace. He didn't say much, but I could tell that he was still being visited off and on. This evening when we discussed it again, I asked him if Emily was still around. He said, no, but she would be back. The one that seemed to stay the longest and the closest to him was his father. Jeff really enjoyed that and felt deeply loved. I imagine there were not a lot of words passed between them, but the feelings and emotions of love were very strong. When I asked Jeff how he felt, he just said "nice".
Now for you dear reader, you can choose to believe that what I am writing about was real, or you can make up some other explanation. I can't quantify with any emperical evidence that Jeff was visited today by loved ones who have already passed on. I can only tell you what I saw with my eyes, heard with my ears, and felt with my soul. I choose to believe that life continues after we die and that the same spirit that makes up our unique existence stays in tact once the body no longer houses it. I believe that the feelings of love, family, and community are still very much a part of our existence and that when we grieve the loss of someone on this side of the veil, they celebrate a homecoming on the other side. I choose to believe that there is purpose to life and that death is just moving forward with that purpose. I feel it an honor to assist my husband as he prepares to leave his body behind and move forward. I believe there will come a time that he will once again be reunited with his body in a perfected form. The same degree of sorrow I will feel at his passing will be turned to joy beyond compare when we meet again. It is the same hope I feel when I think about meeting my sweet daughter again face to face. I cannot tell you how I know these things. It just feels right to me and brings me a deep sense of peace.
When Jeff's dad passed away, it was suggested that we read a book called Final Gifts: Understanding the Special Awareness, Needs, and Communications of the Dying written by 2 hospice nurses who have witnessed the death experience for many years. http://www.amazon.com/Final-Gifts-Understanding-Awareness-Communications/dp/0553378767. It was a fascinating book and explained much of what we witnessed with Jeff's dad and much of what is happening with Jeff now.
For me, it is as simple as I choose to believe. I once told someone that the choice to believe now makes life and death so much more meaningful. I suppose if when I die, it really isn't this way and there is nothing...I won't care...I will cease to exist. On the other hand, if I choose not to believe now and lived in a way that reflected that choice only to find out when I die...whoops..I am still here, and still me with the same old problems, there might be some regrets.
I choose to believe now. I choose peace now. I choose to have hope now. I choose to forgive now. I choose to create joy now.
These are choices anyone can make at any given moment. It is true power.
There are many things I do not know. But the things I choose to believe make all the difference in the world to me.
Chris
Like I said in yesterday's post, I was a witness to some marvelous events at the passing on of Jeff's father. After the ventilator tube that was keeping him alive was removed, he did not die immediately like we were led to believe he would. Instead, he woke up fully aware of who we were and where he was. We had a delightful time giving hugs and seeing his sense of humor so intact. He spoke in whispers because of the tube that had been in his throat, but his communication was clear as he talked with his children. At one point, his gaze moved upward and his eyes filled with surprise. The he said "what are you doing here? it's been a long time." We did not know who he was talking to at the time, but it was a very real conversation he was having. His gaze then went back to those of us in the room and he seemed almost surprised that we were still there. He then described to us was that it was like a window had opened and the room had filled with angels. We could not see anything ourselves, but we could hear his side of the communication he was having. It was very humbling as well as fascinating. One of the most interesting conversations he had was when he said, "mother, how do you expect me to do this?". It never occured to me that perhaps when it comes right down to it, we may not know how to die. For many hours, we witnessed him being taught.
So today I was not surprised when I was once again a witness to teaching from the Spirit realm. During this time, I did not want to interrupt or intrude, so I just observed. It was not quite as astonishing as it was with Jeff's dad, because for the most part Jeff was very quiet with only a few yes, no's, and ok's. Mostly he just listened. Sometimes he resisted what was being taught to him, sometimes he got tears in his eyes. I could tell he was accessing information by the way his eyes moved. It was exactly the same as when I do EFT (www.emofree.com) with him. After about 2 hours, he took a great big breath and sighed. When we are doing EFT, this is the sign that whatever needed to be released has been completed.
Later on when I asked him if he was being taught, he responded affirmatively. When I asked him if he was still afraid, he said, "only a little bit". Then I asked him who had come to visit him. He responded yes to Emily, his father, his grandparents Pearson, his great grandfather Gustav, and his Great Grandfather Riley Pearson. He said there were lots of others that had come around. When I asked him if they taught him about Jesus, he said "yes". I also asked him if he felt their love for him. That was a big yes.
For the rest of the day he was very calm and at peace. He didn't say much, but I could tell that he was still being visited off and on. This evening when we discussed it again, I asked him if Emily was still around. He said, no, but she would be back. The one that seemed to stay the longest and the closest to him was his father. Jeff really enjoyed that and felt deeply loved. I imagine there were not a lot of words passed between them, but the feelings and emotions of love were very strong. When I asked Jeff how he felt, he just said "nice".
Now for you dear reader, you can choose to believe that what I am writing about was real, or you can make up some other explanation. I can't quantify with any emperical evidence that Jeff was visited today by loved ones who have already passed on. I can only tell you what I saw with my eyes, heard with my ears, and felt with my soul. I choose to believe that life continues after we die and that the same spirit that makes up our unique existence stays in tact once the body no longer houses it. I believe that the feelings of love, family, and community are still very much a part of our existence and that when we grieve the loss of someone on this side of the veil, they celebrate a homecoming on the other side. I choose to believe that there is purpose to life and that death is just moving forward with that purpose. I feel it an honor to assist my husband as he prepares to leave his body behind and move forward. I believe there will come a time that he will once again be reunited with his body in a perfected form. The same degree of sorrow I will feel at his passing will be turned to joy beyond compare when we meet again. It is the same hope I feel when I think about meeting my sweet daughter again face to face. I cannot tell you how I know these things. It just feels right to me and brings me a deep sense of peace.
When Jeff's dad passed away, it was suggested that we read a book called Final Gifts: Understanding the Special Awareness, Needs, and Communications of the Dying written by 2 hospice nurses who have witnessed the death experience for many years. http://www.amazon.com/Final-Gifts-Understanding-Awareness-Communications/dp/0553378767. It was a fascinating book and explained much of what we witnessed with Jeff's dad and much of what is happening with Jeff now.
For me, it is as simple as I choose to believe. I once told someone that the choice to believe now makes life and death so much more meaningful. I suppose if when I die, it really isn't this way and there is nothing...I won't care...I will cease to exist. On the other hand, if I choose not to believe now and lived in a way that reflected that choice only to find out when I die...whoops..I am still here, and still me with the same old problems, there might be some regrets.
I choose to believe now. I choose peace now. I choose to have hope now. I choose to forgive now. I choose to create joy now.
These are choices anyone can make at any given moment. It is true power.
There are many things I do not know. But the things I choose to believe make all the difference in the world to me.
Chris
Friday, November 24, 2006
Miracles and Agency
This morning when we woke up, I knew something was different with Jeff. He was not restless like he has been in the past. He was very calm as I was changing him, which has not been our experience for the last week. There was just a sense of peace about him that was incredibly sweet to me.
For weeks now Jeff has been trying to decide whether to stay in his body and and allow himself to get well, or to let it be ok to go home. It has been a tough decision. I think there has been a part of him that really doesn't want to leave me, the kids, or his family. There has also been a part of him that has been a reluctant to greet his Savior. Those of you who have associated with Jeff personally know how sweet and kind he is, you have felt of his love for others and his love of Jesus Christ. But in his deepest core, Jeff has had a very difficult time accepting himself as good enough and he hates the idea of disappointing anyone due to his weaknesses. He does not see himself as the hero that we all do.
We have had long discussions about Jesus Christ. Logically and consciously he knows that the Savior's grace covered his sins and he was forgiven long ago. But for some reason Jeff was still hanging on to a deep belief that he has been a disappointment to his family, to his children, to me, and mostly to God because he made some mistakes while he was on this earth.
I am grateful for EFT (emotional freedom technique) that helped those deep core issues surface so that Jeff could see them for what the lies they have been and then release them. It helped him make a decision that it really will be ok for him to move forward to the next phase of his existence. I support that decision completely. If he had chosen to get well, I have no doubt that the way would have been opened for that to happen as well. But I believe in agency and will only honor what he wants. To be honest, it is a relief for him to have finally decided.
I don't know how long this process will take. I hope that those who read this blog will stay with us as we move through this phase. Last year we shared an experience as Jeff's father passed away that was one of the most sacred events of my life. It made me welcome another opportunity to walk with someone as they journey towards the other side.
One thing Jeff told me today that was interesting is that he can see more clearly. When I checked it out, he had no visual response to anything I put in front of his face, but what seems to be happening is that his spiritual eyes are opening.
He is feeling the veil getting thinner and he is very aware of the presence of other spirits, both dark ones as well as angels of light. The angels have been teaching him. He does not share with me what they have been teaching, only that they are there and he is listening and learning. I made him promise me that he would tell me if Emily comes to visit. He told me he has not seen her yet.
I think something that surprises me is how calmly I am writing this. I have such a sense of peace. I have made a decision to live only in the present moment and not get caught up in fear of the future or the pain of the past. Even when I am in a healing mode, I bring that pain of the past to the present moment so that I can release it and let it go. For me, it is a better way to live.
Do I believe in miracles? Absolutely. When I look at my husband tonight and feel the peace surrounding him, I know that miracles have taken place. When my children give their father their blessing to move forward, I see miracles. When I can write these things and feel totally at peace, I know that there has been a miracle given to me of strength and comfort. I acknowledge the hand of the Lord in all things.
The next little while should be interesting. When the hospice nurse came to do Jeff's intake today, she left a little booklet on the death process itself. So far Jeff is not exhibiting any of the signs of imenent death, but that could change quickly. I think it is important to him to be here when our oldest son comes in a few weeks. He promised me he would hold on until then.
But for now, our home is filled with light and peace. I am grateful for the gift of agency. At any given moment, I can choose how to feel and what to do with those emotions. Today Jeff made a conscious choice to let it be ok to die. I made a choice to live my life to the fullest. I might have to remember over and over and over again that it is truly my choice. But that's ok, it's what our personal agency is all about.
Thank you to all who are reading this blog and sharing it with others. If anyone who reads this is able to find peace in spite of difficult challenges, Jeff's life and death will not have been in vain. Right now we are both choosing to live each day in joy. It is an awesome journey.
Chris
For weeks now Jeff has been trying to decide whether to stay in his body and and allow himself to get well, or to let it be ok to go home. It has been a tough decision. I think there has been a part of him that really doesn't want to leave me, the kids, or his family. There has also been a part of him that has been a reluctant to greet his Savior. Those of you who have associated with Jeff personally know how sweet and kind he is, you have felt of his love for others and his love of Jesus Christ. But in his deepest core, Jeff has had a very difficult time accepting himself as good enough and he hates the idea of disappointing anyone due to his weaknesses. He does not see himself as the hero that we all do.
We have had long discussions about Jesus Christ. Logically and consciously he knows that the Savior's grace covered his sins and he was forgiven long ago. But for some reason Jeff was still hanging on to a deep belief that he has been a disappointment to his family, to his children, to me, and mostly to God because he made some mistakes while he was on this earth.
I am grateful for EFT (emotional freedom technique) that helped those deep core issues surface so that Jeff could see them for what the lies they have been and then release them. It helped him make a decision that it really will be ok for him to move forward to the next phase of his existence. I support that decision completely. If he had chosen to get well, I have no doubt that the way would have been opened for that to happen as well. But I believe in agency and will only honor what he wants. To be honest, it is a relief for him to have finally decided.
I don't know how long this process will take. I hope that those who read this blog will stay with us as we move through this phase. Last year we shared an experience as Jeff's father passed away that was one of the most sacred events of my life. It made me welcome another opportunity to walk with someone as they journey towards the other side.
One thing Jeff told me today that was interesting is that he can see more clearly. When I checked it out, he had no visual response to anything I put in front of his face, but what seems to be happening is that his spiritual eyes are opening.
He is feeling the veil getting thinner and he is very aware of the presence of other spirits, both dark ones as well as angels of light. The angels have been teaching him. He does not share with me what they have been teaching, only that they are there and he is listening and learning. I made him promise me that he would tell me if Emily comes to visit. He told me he has not seen her yet.
I think something that surprises me is how calmly I am writing this. I have such a sense of peace. I have made a decision to live only in the present moment and not get caught up in fear of the future or the pain of the past. Even when I am in a healing mode, I bring that pain of the past to the present moment so that I can release it and let it go. For me, it is a better way to live.
Do I believe in miracles? Absolutely. When I look at my husband tonight and feel the peace surrounding him, I know that miracles have taken place. When my children give their father their blessing to move forward, I see miracles. When I can write these things and feel totally at peace, I know that there has been a miracle given to me of strength and comfort. I acknowledge the hand of the Lord in all things.
The next little while should be interesting. When the hospice nurse came to do Jeff's intake today, she left a little booklet on the death process itself. So far Jeff is not exhibiting any of the signs of imenent death, but that could change quickly. I think it is important to him to be here when our oldest son comes in a few weeks. He promised me he would hold on until then.
But for now, our home is filled with light and peace. I am grateful for the gift of agency. At any given moment, I can choose how to feel and what to do with those emotions. Today Jeff made a conscious choice to let it be ok to die. I made a choice to live my life to the fullest. I might have to remember over and over and over again that it is truly my choice. But that's ok, it's what our personal agency is all about.
Thank you to all who are reading this blog and sharing it with others. If anyone who reads this is able to find peace in spite of difficult challenges, Jeff's life and death will not have been in vain. Right now we are both choosing to live each day in joy. It is an awesome journey.
Chris
Thursday, November 23, 2006
Untraditional Traditions
Today was a thanksgiving day unlike any I have ever spent in my life. I did not spend the week shopping and planning menus. I did not make sure the turkey was thawed yesterday so I wouldn't have to deal with a frozen turkey today. I did not assign each of my children tasks to help with dinner so they could feel like a part of it. Jeff did not make his famous rolls. We did not make pies, and stuffing, and sweet potatoes. Our home did not fill with the delicious aromas that mean so much more than just dinner is cooking. Aromas tie generations together and illuminate warm memories of many years past.
Its funny how one Thursday in November can bring about such interesting feelings around food. But it's not about the food. The food is only symbolic of so much more. It reminds us that families need to be nourished in order to be strenghthened. It reminds us that traditions help keep us grounded in knowing who we are so that we can press forward to become who we were ultimately meant to be. It keeps the flow of family love and togetherness moving forward in a never ending stream. When that flow includes forgiveness, acceptance, and understanding healing from the past as well faith in the future can strengthen the bonds and help to create the joy that is possible.
So with that said, let me describe our day. My son, Jason was at my sister's house for dinner. Charla went back to Spokane yesterday to spend thanksgiving there. So Jeff and I spent the day alone.
I don't have any idea what time we woke up. One of the challenges Jeff has is in knowing where he is in time and space. As a result, I very seldom am aware of time either. I made him his purple smoothy and then just lay down on the bed next to him. There isn't a lot of room there, and his left arm seems to have a mind of its own so I have to protect myself from flying elbows. But I just wanted to be close to him. We discussed all the things we were grateful for. When I asked him, his answers always had to do with others, he is just so grateful for the people in his life...his family, my family, friends, co-workers, therapists. He knows there are many praying for him and he is grateful for that.
We had a lovely time feeling and expressing deep gratitude for our bodies, minds, and spirits. I have to admit I probably had more of a lovely time than Jeff did, although he did seem to appreciate it and was very calm. He also did contribute somewhat to the conversation. Jason was supposed to bring us back some food and then sit with his dad so that I could go back over to my sister's and play games. I didn't know what time he was coming, so I didn't want to fix any other food. He finally got here around 7:00. By that time, Jeff and I were both very hungry.
The food was the same traditional stuff, but I have to admit it was just food. It was sad to miss out on being with family. But in many ways it was good for me to have quiet time just to reflect and feel the deep appreciation I have for so many things in my life. Our oldest son will be here in a few weeks and I promised I would go all out and fix our traditional thanksgiving dinner when he is here. The food is important, but more than anything else, our family needs to feel connected, not just to each other, but to all generations. It doesn't really matter what day it is. What matters most is just being together.
So today was untraditional for us. But you know what? It turned out to be ok. I ejoyed myself immensely. At least my refridgerator is not overflowing with leftovers and I don't have to try to figure out umpteen different ways to use turkey.
It was a good day.
I love good days.
Chris
Its funny how one Thursday in November can bring about such interesting feelings around food. But it's not about the food. The food is only symbolic of so much more. It reminds us that families need to be nourished in order to be strenghthened. It reminds us that traditions help keep us grounded in knowing who we are so that we can press forward to become who we were ultimately meant to be. It keeps the flow of family love and togetherness moving forward in a never ending stream. When that flow includes forgiveness, acceptance, and understanding healing from the past as well faith in the future can strengthen the bonds and help to create the joy that is possible.
So with that said, let me describe our day. My son, Jason was at my sister's house for dinner. Charla went back to Spokane yesterday to spend thanksgiving there. So Jeff and I spent the day alone.
I don't have any idea what time we woke up. One of the challenges Jeff has is in knowing where he is in time and space. As a result, I very seldom am aware of time either. I made him his purple smoothy and then just lay down on the bed next to him. There isn't a lot of room there, and his left arm seems to have a mind of its own so I have to protect myself from flying elbows. But I just wanted to be close to him. We discussed all the things we were grateful for. When I asked him, his answers always had to do with others, he is just so grateful for the people in his life...his family, my family, friends, co-workers, therapists. He knows there are many praying for him and he is grateful for that.
We had a lovely time feeling and expressing deep gratitude for our bodies, minds, and spirits. I have to admit I probably had more of a lovely time than Jeff did, although he did seem to appreciate it and was very calm. He also did contribute somewhat to the conversation. Jason was supposed to bring us back some food and then sit with his dad so that I could go back over to my sister's and play games. I didn't know what time he was coming, so I didn't want to fix any other food. He finally got here around 7:00. By that time, Jeff and I were both very hungry.
The food was the same traditional stuff, but I have to admit it was just food. It was sad to miss out on being with family. But in many ways it was good for me to have quiet time just to reflect and feel the deep appreciation I have for so many things in my life. Our oldest son will be here in a few weeks and I promised I would go all out and fix our traditional thanksgiving dinner when he is here. The food is important, but more than anything else, our family needs to feel connected, not just to each other, but to all generations. It doesn't really matter what day it is. What matters most is just being together.
So today was untraditional for us. But you know what? It turned out to be ok. I ejoyed myself immensely. At least my refridgerator is not overflowing with leftovers and I don't have to try to figure out umpteen different ways to use turkey.
It was a good day.
I love good days.
Chris
Wednesday, November 22, 2006
Receiving
Today was an awesome day for me, a busy day for Jeff. First the Home Health Care nurse came and showed me how to change the sheets on his hospital bed with him still in it. She also showed me some other tricks as well that were very much appreciated. Before she left, she made a comment that surprised me somewhat. She told me that I was somewhat of a saint for caring for my husband this way and that most people would have put him somewhere for others to care for him. I guess the reason that surprised me is because that never even crossed my mind, except for the night of the bathroom floor. But that would only be as a last resort. It never would be my first choice. I feel it a total honor to serve my sweetheart in this capacity.
After the nurse left, the physical therapist came for her last visit. She has been such a blessing to us, full of compassion and understanding. To be honest, Jeff hasn't done a whole lot of "physical therapy", but her visits have been wonderful for me. Last time she was here she told me that today's visit would be the last with their current orders. That made me a bit sad since she has been so helpful to me, but she suggested that I think about getting set up with hospice. I have to admit that the idea was a bit hard for me to accept at first because I equate hospice with death watch and I am not at that point.
I was then educated a little bit more about what hospice is all about and the services they offer. It made feel better to know that sometimes under hospice care, the patients actually do get better even though the services are more about comfort than recovery. To be honest, I have decided to receive all the help that is available to me.
It has been an interesting journey to learn how to be a receiver and let other people serve me. I have never minded being the one to serve, but I have just decided to let being on this end be ok too. In 1998 when Jeff and I were both so sick, I learned the value of allowing and receiving. There were wonderful Christlike people who made a huge impact on our family. The service rendered during that time is what makes those memories sweet.
This time is sweet too. There are so many caring people everywhere. I am grateful for my amazing family who have been so supportive of us. I am grateful for Jeff's family and their prayers and concern in our behalf. I am grateful to our friends all over the country who are concerned about us enough to read this blog and remember us in their prayers. I am grateful for the medical community who have so many kind, dedicated people that just want to help and give support in any way they can. I am grateful for the people in my church ward here in Boise who are reaching out to us even though they just met us. They have been wonderful too.
I got a call from the HIV clinic here in Boise yesterday informing me that they had a Thanksgiving basket for us, did we want it? In times past, I probably would have said, "no, we are fine thanks." The truth is we are fine, but I chose to receive the gift with graciousness. I truly believe that there is an abundance of anything we want in the universe and the best way to tap into that abundance is to allow ourselves to receive with gratitude whatever comes our way.
So I am open to receiving lots of help, support, kindness, cards and letters, phone calls. It helps me connect with the wonderful people in my life, both those who have had a personal impact as well as those I have only met electronically. We are all connected. This is a good feeling for me because for most of my life I felt like I was totally alone. I am not alone anymore. I like it. I think I will just be open to receiving whatever comes my way and then share as much as I am able.
Thank you all for being a part of my life.
Chris
After the nurse left, the physical therapist came for her last visit. She has been such a blessing to us, full of compassion and understanding. To be honest, Jeff hasn't done a whole lot of "physical therapy", but her visits have been wonderful for me. Last time she was here she told me that today's visit would be the last with their current orders. That made me a bit sad since she has been so helpful to me, but she suggested that I think about getting set up with hospice. I have to admit that the idea was a bit hard for me to accept at first because I equate hospice with death watch and I am not at that point.
I was then educated a little bit more about what hospice is all about and the services they offer. It made feel better to know that sometimes under hospice care, the patients actually do get better even though the services are more about comfort than recovery. To be honest, I have decided to receive all the help that is available to me.
It has been an interesting journey to learn how to be a receiver and let other people serve me. I have never minded being the one to serve, but I have just decided to let being on this end be ok too. In 1998 when Jeff and I were both so sick, I learned the value of allowing and receiving. There were wonderful Christlike people who made a huge impact on our family. The service rendered during that time is what makes those memories sweet.
This time is sweet too. There are so many caring people everywhere. I am grateful for my amazing family who have been so supportive of us. I am grateful for Jeff's family and their prayers and concern in our behalf. I am grateful to our friends all over the country who are concerned about us enough to read this blog and remember us in their prayers. I am grateful for the medical community who have so many kind, dedicated people that just want to help and give support in any way they can. I am grateful for the people in my church ward here in Boise who are reaching out to us even though they just met us. They have been wonderful too.
I got a call from the HIV clinic here in Boise yesterday informing me that they had a Thanksgiving basket for us, did we want it? In times past, I probably would have said, "no, we are fine thanks." The truth is we are fine, but I chose to receive the gift with graciousness. I truly believe that there is an abundance of anything we want in the universe and the best way to tap into that abundance is to allow ourselves to receive with gratitude whatever comes our way.
So I am open to receiving lots of help, support, kindness, cards and letters, phone calls. It helps me connect with the wonderful people in my life, both those who have had a personal impact as well as those I have only met electronically. We are all connected. This is a good feeling for me because for most of my life I felt like I was totally alone. I am not alone anymore. I like it. I think I will just be open to receiving whatever comes my way and then share as much as I am able.
Thank you all for being a part of my life.
Chris
Tuesday, November 21, 2006
Passing Understanding
I have a new screensaver on my computer that has awesome pictures of the universe and quotes from many famous people. One in specific caught my attention this evening. It was by Albert Einstein who said "there are 2 ways of looking at life, one is to see everything as a miracle, the other is to see nothing as a miracle."
I choose to look at life and see everything as a miracle. I think once a person makes up their mind to view the world this way, it is easy to see. What is a miracle anyway? I think of miracles as little gifts that are given to us to help us remember that there is a higher power, and it isn't us.
Sometimes those miracles come through people listening to a source outside of themselves. Other times it is given in personal added strength or just in having new perspectives and a new change of attitude.
I have a favorite scripture found in Phillipians 4:6 & 7 which states: Be careful for nothing; but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known unto God. And the peace of God which passeth all understanding shall keep your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus.
I have come to believe that the peace of God which passeth all understanding is when it makes no sense that a person should feel at peace, but they do anyway. This is how I feel today. It makes no sense that I should feel so much peace in my life, but I do. The cirumstances we are facing have the ability to completeley destroy our lives and peace if we allow them to. Instead I am accepting the Savior's invitation to cast my burdens on him and to let him make me whole.
It is when I do this and have true gratitude in my heart that I feel encourage and alive. God's peace is perfect peace. It doesn't matter what the situation is, it is still available and that is a miracle.
Tonight I am feeling so much of that peace of God. I am looking foward to seeing how he wants me to use this feeling to not only assist my husband, but to help others as well.
I welcome that opportunity.
Chris
I choose to look at life and see everything as a miracle. I think once a person makes up their mind to view the world this way, it is easy to see. What is a miracle anyway? I think of miracles as little gifts that are given to us to help us remember that there is a higher power, and it isn't us.
Sometimes those miracles come through people listening to a source outside of themselves. Other times it is given in personal added strength or just in having new perspectives and a new change of attitude.
I have a favorite scripture found in Phillipians 4:6 & 7 which states: Be careful for nothing; but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known unto God. And the peace of God which passeth all understanding shall keep your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus.
I have come to believe that the peace of God which passeth all understanding is when it makes no sense that a person should feel at peace, but they do anyway. This is how I feel today. It makes no sense that I should feel so much peace in my life, but I do. The cirumstances we are facing have the ability to completeley destroy our lives and peace if we allow them to. Instead I am accepting the Savior's invitation to cast my burdens on him and to let him make me whole.
It is when I do this and have true gratitude in my heart that I feel encourage and alive. God's peace is perfect peace. It doesn't matter what the situation is, it is still available and that is a miracle.
Tonight I am feeling so much of that peace of God. I am looking foward to seeing how he wants me to use this feeling to not only assist my husband, but to help others as well.
I welcome that opportunity.
Chris
A Little History Part
I realized last night that it has been awhile since I have given any real update on Jeff's condition. I guess it is because we have settled into a routine and are just allowing time to either help him heal, or bring it to another conclusion.
Perhaps there are new people reading this who do not know where this journey has led us the last couple of months. For those of you who have been there from the beginning, you know what a challenge this has been.
I will just do an update from the last couple of months. In August, Jeff told me that he had been to the eye doctor because he had noticed he was having a hard time getting his pen to write on the line and his eyes were doing funny things.
The eye doctor was very concerned with what he found because he knew that something was causing a disturbance with the optic nerve on the left side of Jeff's brain. He ordered an MRI to further investigate the problem. Jeff was turned over to a neurologist when the MRI revealed what appeared to be a stroke that had caused the damage. The major affect was that Jeff lost the periphral vision on his right side. It didn't seem to be that big of a deal. The neurologist said there was a good chance it would heal.
For the next few weeks, Jeff continued to work and live his life pretty normally, although we decided it wasn't wise for him to drive after he had a small fender bender. He really didn't feel very good though and could tell that something was wrong. On September 15, he was having a pretty lousy day and pretty much just stayed in bed. Jeff has always been the kind of person that when he is sick, he does not want to be mothered, he just wants to be left alone. I usually try to honor that. When I went to bed that night about midnight, Jeff informed me that he had thought about having me take him to the hospital earlier becaue he couldn't feel anything on his right side.
I was pretty naive about what that might mean and asked him if he still thought he needed to go. He told me no, he was probably just fine. The next morning, I knew he was not fine and called my brother for some advice. As he and my father came over to give Jeff a blessing, I had the distinct impression that our lives were about to change forever. It's probably a good thing I didn't know how drastically life was going to change or I probably would have been been even more scared than I already was.
We took him to the hospital where they performed another MRI and told him that he had an extension of the first stroke and it had now affected another part of the brain which governed sensation and the awareness of time and space. What the doctor's didn't know was what had caused these strokes in the first place. Jeff had no risk factors for stroke at all, and it was very unusual, so other tests were ordered.
With the results of those tests, the neurologist informed us that he had not had any strokes at all, but by all indication he was suffering from some type of infection in the brain. This we were told was a good thing because it meant that the brain had not been deprived of oxygen and a full recovery was possible if the infection could be controlled. They just needed to find out what type of infection it was so they did a spinal tap.
This was the best possible news I thought we could get. A stroke meant permanent damage. I saw an infection as something that he could take some strong antibiotics and be well in 2 weeks. Oh, my how naive I was at the time.
We did not actually get any firm diagnosis for several days, but were sent to a rehab hospital with the purpose of helping him use the functions of his body and to teach me how to care for him until his body began to heal itself.
The day after we got to the rehab center we went to see the infectious disease doctor. Jeff had been to him when this first started and was assured that the problem with his eyes had nothing to do with the HIV. But now we were told that Jeff had what is called Progessive Multifocal Luekoencphalytis. It is an opportunistic disease caused by a virus that many people have in their bodies, but is not usually manifest unless the immune system has been gravely compromised. It is manifest by the body actually attacking the brain and causing leasions which inhibit the brain's ability to communicate with the body.
This was not good news because we were also told that this disease had no cure and is lethal unless the immune system can somehow kick in and do it's job. Reading about this disease on the internet was not pleasant for me and I knew we were facing some very big challenges.
We found out why it is called progressive. It was a very discouraging couple of weeks for Jeff because it seemd like everytime he would try to work with the therapists, he just lost ground. His eyesight was getting worse, he was feling less and less on his right side, and his brain processing seemed to be even worse than it was before.
He lost his eyesight, he lost any use of his right side. He can comprehend what we say, but he has a hard time communicating his own thoughts. As of now, he spends his time pretty much in a hospital bed trying to entertain himself.
It's hard to say what is really going on with him. There are no more tests to run. He has chosen not to take the anti-retro-viral meds which would supposedly boost his immune system and get the HIV under control. I honestly don't know whether or not his body has the ability to do it on its own, but there are indications that it is happening.
Some days he is very lucid and we have amazing conversations. It is usually me asking questions and him responding in a way that I know he understands me. There are only a few words he uses. He has acquired a new favorite word. I'm not sure why "NO" is the chosen word, but sometimes he will lay in bed for hours just saying "no" over and over and over again.
Other times, he is just bored and is trying to get my attention. He uses "NO" for that too. I have gotten into playing what we call the "no" game. That way I get the answer I want, although he will often change the rules of the game on me. He keeps me laughing.
A few weeks ago I wrote on my gratitude list that I was grateful my husband was continent and could use the toilet. Well, I guess I just have other things to be grateful for now, including wonderful children who are so willing to help me with their dad.
Other than the brain functioning, Jeff is extremely healthy. All his organs are in good shape, his body is digesting food well. He eats everything I give to him, and usually would eat more if it was offered. Sometimes it is like feeding a baby bird. He just keeps opening his mouth.
He has many challenges at this time, but oh, he is so delightful. I don't know if the disease will just continue to progessily worse until it does snuff out his life, or if all the energy work we have done will continue to work so that his body can heal itself.
Only time will tell.
As for me, I am just open to all possibilities, but I believe in this case, it will have to be up to Jeff to decide whether or not to live and get well or whether to just go ahead and die. I don't think he has made a firm decision one way or the other yet. I will support whatever decicion he makes and do my darndest to help him. Meanwhile we are finding joy in little things.
That is a miracle in and of itself. Jeff does not have to create the miracle, but he is such a conduit for others to receive miracles just by being in his presense.
So there is a little history. Perhaps someday I will write a more detailed accouunt of the whole journey, but I think this suffices for now. He continues to bring joy into our lives. We are being strengthened every day. There are challenges, but there is also love. We don't know what the future holds, but we are facing it with courage and faith.
Chris
Perhaps there are new people reading this who do not know where this journey has led us the last couple of months. For those of you who have been there from the beginning, you know what a challenge this has been.
I will just do an update from the last couple of months. In August, Jeff told me that he had been to the eye doctor because he had noticed he was having a hard time getting his pen to write on the line and his eyes were doing funny things.
The eye doctor was very concerned with what he found because he knew that something was causing a disturbance with the optic nerve on the left side of Jeff's brain. He ordered an MRI to further investigate the problem. Jeff was turned over to a neurologist when the MRI revealed what appeared to be a stroke that had caused the damage. The major affect was that Jeff lost the periphral vision on his right side. It didn't seem to be that big of a deal. The neurologist said there was a good chance it would heal.
For the next few weeks, Jeff continued to work and live his life pretty normally, although we decided it wasn't wise for him to drive after he had a small fender bender. He really didn't feel very good though and could tell that something was wrong. On September 15, he was having a pretty lousy day and pretty much just stayed in bed. Jeff has always been the kind of person that when he is sick, he does not want to be mothered, he just wants to be left alone. I usually try to honor that. When I went to bed that night about midnight, Jeff informed me that he had thought about having me take him to the hospital earlier becaue he couldn't feel anything on his right side.
I was pretty naive about what that might mean and asked him if he still thought he needed to go. He told me no, he was probably just fine. The next morning, I knew he was not fine and called my brother for some advice. As he and my father came over to give Jeff a blessing, I had the distinct impression that our lives were about to change forever. It's probably a good thing I didn't know how drastically life was going to change or I probably would have been been even more scared than I already was.
We took him to the hospital where they performed another MRI and told him that he had an extension of the first stroke and it had now affected another part of the brain which governed sensation and the awareness of time and space. What the doctor's didn't know was what had caused these strokes in the first place. Jeff had no risk factors for stroke at all, and it was very unusual, so other tests were ordered.
With the results of those tests, the neurologist informed us that he had not had any strokes at all, but by all indication he was suffering from some type of infection in the brain. This we were told was a good thing because it meant that the brain had not been deprived of oxygen and a full recovery was possible if the infection could be controlled. They just needed to find out what type of infection it was so they did a spinal tap.
This was the best possible news I thought we could get. A stroke meant permanent damage. I saw an infection as something that he could take some strong antibiotics and be well in 2 weeks. Oh, my how naive I was at the time.
We did not actually get any firm diagnosis for several days, but were sent to a rehab hospital with the purpose of helping him use the functions of his body and to teach me how to care for him until his body began to heal itself.
The day after we got to the rehab center we went to see the infectious disease doctor. Jeff had been to him when this first started and was assured that the problem with his eyes had nothing to do with the HIV. But now we were told that Jeff had what is called Progessive Multifocal Luekoencphalytis. It is an opportunistic disease caused by a virus that many people have in their bodies, but is not usually manifest unless the immune system has been gravely compromised. It is manifest by the body actually attacking the brain and causing leasions which inhibit the brain's ability to communicate with the body.
This was not good news because we were also told that this disease had no cure and is lethal unless the immune system can somehow kick in and do it's job. Reading about this disease on the internet was not pleasant for me and I knew we were facing some very big challenges.
We found out why it is called progressive. It was a very discouraging couple of weeks for Jeff because it seemd like everytime he would try to work with the therapists, he just lost ground. His eyesight was getting worse, he was feling less and less on his right side, and his brain processing seemed to be even worse than it was before.
He lost his eyesight, he lost any use of his right side. He can comprehend what we say, but he has a hard time communicating his own thoughts. As of now, he spends his time pretty much in a hospital bed trying to entertain himself.
It's hard to say what is really going on with him. There are no more tests to run. He has chosen not to take the anti-retro-viral meds which would supposedly boost his immune system and get the HIV under control. I honestly don't know whether or not his body has the ability to do it on its own, but there are indications that it is happening.
Some days he is very lucid and we have amazing conversations. It is usually me asking questions and him responding in a way that I know he understands me. There are only a few words he uses. He has acquired a new favorite word. I'm not sure why "NO" is the chosen word, but sometimes he will lay in bed for hours just saying "no" over and over and over again.
Other times, he is just bored and is trying to get my attention. He uses "NO" for that too. I have gotten into playing what we call the "no" game. That way I get the answer I want, although he will often change the rules of the game on me. He keeps me laughing.
A few weeks ago I wrote on my gratitude list that I was grateful my husband was continent and could use the toilet. Well, I guess I just have other things to be grateful for now, including wonderful children who are so willing to help me with their dad.
Other than the brain functioning, Jeff is extremely healthy. All his organs are in good shape, his body is digesting food well. He eats everything I give to him, and usually would eat more if it was offered. Sometimes it is like feeding a baby bird. He just keeps opening his mouth.
He has many challenges at this time, but oh, he is so delightful. I don't know if the disease will just continue to progessily worse until it does snuff out his life, or if all the energy work we have done will continue to work so that his body can heal itself.
Only time will tell.
As for me, I am just open to all possibilities, but I believe in this case, it will have to be up to Jeff to decide whether or not to live and get well or whether to just go ahead and die. I don't think he has made a firm decision one way or the other yet. I will support whatever decicion he makes and do my darndest to help him. Meanwhile we are finding joy in little things.
That is a miracle in and of itself. Jeff does not have to create the miracle, but he is such a conduit for others to receive miracles just by being in his presense.
So there is a little history. Perhaps someday I will write a more detailed accouunt of the whole journey, but I think this suffices for now. He continues to bring joy into our lives. We are being strengthened every day. There are challenges, but there is also love. We don't know what the future holds, but we are facing it with courage and faith.
Chris
Sunday, November 19, 2006
Gratitude
I have hesitated writing this post for almost a week. Not that I haven't felt gratitude deeply, but that I didn't want it to just be another treatment of thanksgiving because it is November and it should be the theme of the month.
For me gratitude is something I try to live every day of my life. I would write this same post in January, May or September. For me it has nothing to do with the time of year. It has everything to do with the state of my heart.
Several years ago I learned a very valuable lesson from one of my children. (Aren't they usually our greatest teachers?). It was during a very difficult time for our family. Jeff and I had both been given the diagnosis of having full blown AIDS, Jeff had also been told he had malignant melanoma that may or may not be able to be taken care of by surgery. Jeff's business was in serious trouble, we had declared bankruptcy and were in the process of losing the dream house we had built. I was extremely sick from the HIV drugs so the daily household responsibilities landed on the shoulders of my teenage children. Because of everything that had come to light as a result of the HIV diagnosis, Jeff's membership in the church was also on the line. We knew that he would probably be excommunicated and were just waiting for that to happen.
I do not write this down for anyone to feel sorry for us, or to stand as martyrs saying, look how bad we had it. More just the facts as we were living them at the time. As you can imagine it was extremely difficult on our children. One day when my daughter, who was a senior in high school at the time came home, I could tell she was not in good shape. I wanted desperately to help her, but I was in such a weakened state that mostly my presence just added to her despair. She didn't say a word to me, but went into her room and slammed her door. My heart just went out to her, so I said a silent prayer that her angels would help comfort her. A little while later she came out of her room full of sunshine and smiles. It was such a remarkable turnaround that I wanted to know what had happened. Her report was simple. She told me what a difficult day she had had and how when she went to her room, she knelt by the side of her bed to pour out her heart to her Father in Heaven. She began her prayer in the way she had been taught as a child, by saying "thank you". As she began to say the things she was thankful for, her heart began to change and she realized how grateful she was for many, many things. It did not change the trials we were going through at the time, it only changed her perspective.
At the time, this had a profound effect on me and I tried to begin implementing the same strategy in my own life. And it worked!! Now I understand it all has to do with vibration. The feelings of shame, fear, guilt, anger, apathy, and grief all have very low self-destructive vibrations that attract like feelings and darkness. On the other hand, feelings such as acceptance, courage, love, and joy all have very high vibrations that attract like feelings and light. When we are experiencing the feelings in the lower vibrations, we can change those feelings just by making a new choice and flipping an internal switch. The energy for that switch comes from feelings of gratitude. It is a very powerful emotion that can turn darkness into light, especially when the gratitude we feel involves the Savior and his love for us.
It is important that we allow ourselves to feel all of our emotions because they are a part part of our humanity. According to Christopher Westra author of "I Create Reality", we should call the "Negative Emotions" the "Teaching Emotions" for that is what they truly are. They are gifts to help us learn our lessons while in this existence. Anger, fear, and resentment let us know that we need to make changes. They let us know that our present beliefs and action aren't working for us.
These emotions can attract darkness into our lives, but the choice whether or not to stay there is ours. Lately as I have had opportunities to experience feelings of grief , fear, and anger, I follow a simple formula that helps me stay balanced emotionally.
1. I allow myself to feel to the fullest degree whatever feelings come up.
2. I recognize that they are tools for me to learn more about myself and seek to learn the lesson they are trying to teach me.
3. I express them in an approriate way (one that is not detrimental or damaging to others)
4. I let them go and accept the Savior's invitation to cast my burdens on him and let him take away the heavy, dark feelings.
As I follow this formula, my heart always fills with gratitude and I am filled with light again. It does not change the cirumstances, it only changes the perspective.
I choose to fill my life with light and with gratitude every day, not just one week in November. I could write pages and pages and pages of the things, the people, and the experiences that I am grateful for, but that is not the purpose of this particular post. Maybe on Thursday I will share with you some of the things on our gratitude list.
But for now, just know that I am grateful for the understanding I have of how important gratitude is in my life. It changes everything.
Chris
For me gratitude is something I try to live every day of my life. I would write this same post in January, May or September. For me it has nothing to do with the time of year. It has everything to do with the state of my heart.
Several years ago I learned a very valuable lesson from one of my children. (Aren't they usually our greatest teachers?). It was during a very difficult time for our family. Jeff and I had both been given the diagnosis of having full blown AIDS, Jeff had also been told he had malignant melanoma that may or may not be able to be taken care of by surgery. Jeff's business was in serious trouble, we had declared bankruptcy and were in the process of losing the dream house we had built. I was extremely sick from the HIV drugs so the daily household responsibilities landed on the shoulders of my teenage children. Because of everything that had come to light as a result of the HIV diagnosis, Jeff's membership in the church was also on the line. We knew that he would probably be excommunicated and were just waiting for that to happen.
I do not write this down for anyone to feel sorry for us, or to stand as martyrs saying, look how bad we had it. More just the facts as we were living them at the time. As you can imagine it was extremely difficult on our children. One day when my daughter, who was a senior in high school at the time came home, I could tell she was not in good shape. I wanted desperately to help her, but I was in such a weakened state that mostly my presence just added to her despair. She didn't say a word to me, but went into her room and slammed her door. My heart just went out to her, so I said a silent prayer that her angels would help comfort her. A little while later she came out of her room full of sunshine and smiles. It was such a remarkable turnaround that I wanted to know what had happened. Her report was simple. She told me what a difficult day she had had and how when she went to her room, she knelt by the side of her bed to pour out her heart to her Father in Heaven. She began her prayer in the way she had been taught as a child, by saying "thank you". As she began to say the things she was thankful for, her heart began to change and she realized how grateful she was for many, many things. It did not change the trials we were going through at the time, it only changed her perspective.
At the time, this had a profound effect on me and I tried to begin implementing the same strategy in my own life. And it worked!! Now I understand it all has to do with vibration. The feelings of shame, fear, guilt, anger, apathy, and grief all have very low self-destructive vibrations that attract like feelings and darkness. On the other hand, feelings such as acceptance, courage, love, and joy all have very high vibrations that attract like feelings and light. When we are experiencing the feelings in the lower vibrations, we can change those feelings just by making a new choice and flipping an internal switch. The energy for that switch comes from feelings of gratitude. It is a very powerful emotion that can turn darkness into light, especially when the gratitude we feel involves the Savior and his love for us.
It is important that we allow ourselves to feel all of our emotions because they are a part part of our humanity. According to Christopher Westra author of "I Create Reality", we should call the "Negative Emotions" the "Teaching Emotions" for that is what they truly are. They are gifts to help us learn our lessons while in this existence. Anger, fear, and resentment let us know that we need to make changes. They let us know that our present beliefs and action aren't working for us.
These emotions can attract darkness into our lives, but the choice whether or not to stay there is ours. Lately as I have had opportunities to experience feelings of grief , fear, and anger, I follow a simple formula that helps me stay balanced emotionally.
1. I allow myself to feel to the fullest degree whatever feelings come up.
2. I recognize that they are tools for me to learn more about myself and seek to learn the lesson they are trying to teach me.
3. I express them in an approriate way (one that is not detrimental or damaging to others)
4. I let them go and accept the Savior's invitation to cast my burdens on him and let him take away the heavy, dark feelings.
As I follow this formula, my heart always fills with gratitude and I am filled with light again. It does not change the cirumstances, it only changes the perspective.
I choose to fill my life with light and with gratitude every day, not just one week in November. I could write pages and pages and pages of the things, the people, and the experiences that I am grateful for, but that is not the purpose of this particular post. Maybe on Thursday I will share with you some of the things on our gratitude list.
But for now, just know that I am grateful for the understanding I have of how important gratitude is in my life. It changes everything.
Chris
Saturday, November 18, 2006
Letting Go
As I look back at the posts I have written and the internal struggles I have had over the past few days, I realize that I have been reverting back to a very old familiar pattern of trying to control the outcome.
Years ago when Jeff was very involved in a destructive addiction, I got totally caught up in trying to save him. I used every means of manipulation and coercion I could think of to try to make him "shape up". I thought I knew all the answers and what was best for him. I ended up nearly driving myself insane by trying to control him so I started to go to a councelor. After listening to my story, he told me 2 things. One is that it appeared I was suffering from what was labeled as co-dependancy, which was just as destructive to me emotionally as were the things Jeff was doing to himself. He also tried to help me understand that as long as I tried to control everything, I was getting in God's way of being able to truly help my husband in the way that would help him the most. He suggested I read Melody Beatty's book Codependant No More.
Here is how I wrote about it in my book back in 1996:
I had a marvelous experience a couple of days ago. I found my very worn copy of “Codependent No More.” I don't think I have touched it for about 2 years. That the book had been” abused was obvious. In the initial reading, I threw it across the room more than once. At times the words hit me with such a force of truth that it tore open tender, unhealed wounds, and many places had wrinkled marks where my tears left a permanent record of what I was feeling at the time. Almost every page was full of angry markings that reflected how out of control I had become in my efforts to keep my husband under control, and how much I despised the person I had allowed myself to become. I deplored the message that it was telling me because it so clearly defined the responsibility that I had to take, not only in creating my fear-driven, self-defeating behaviors, but also in the responsibility I had in my own recovery. It made me finally understand that I alone am responsible for my happiness and can’t blame anyone else if I choose to be otherwise. And though I despised what I was reading, I devoured it, for somewhere in the words, there was hope that my life didn't have to be this way.
Now just a short two years later as I lovingly caressed the worn pages, once again, tears streamed down my face. I had found the answers I needed so that I can be the kind of person I am today. Not a perfect person, but a peaceful person.
The process has not been easy. I had to learn whole new ways of taking care of myself, which was the key. I completely redefined who I was as a wife, as a mother, as a daughter of my own parents, as a daughter of God. The new definition I came up with is based on the fact that I have value in just being who I am. I do not need to perform, or prove myself to anyone. I am good enough! When I was able to see myself like that, it was so much easier to see my husband in the same light, and my children, and the people around me, and total strangers that I have never met, but feel so bonded to by the things we share electronically.
Even as I write this, the tears keep falling. I agree completely with Valerie who wrote in her post that it is a day of miracles and they do still happen. When I look in the mirror, I see the reflection of who I once was, and who I now am. And more importantly I see the person I am still becoming (which is really who I was in the very beginning).
Funny thing about my husband's recovery, it didn't really even begin until I let go and gave him back the responsibility of his own life. He was a lot stronger than I ever imagined. When I got out of God's way miracles began to happen there too.
So now here we are in a situation where I would do anything to be able to control the outcome, but it absolutely is not in my power. That has been a big source of my own agitation the last couple of days. But today I made a new choice. I chose to surrender (again) and to allow the Lord to decide the outcome of this whole situation. I can't explain the peace that entered my heart as I let go of the last vestiges of wanting things done MY way.
I am not giving up on the hope that Jeff can be a miracle and have a full and complete recovery. But if not, well, that will be ok too because I really am not the one in charge here. So for tonight, at least I am very much at peace no matter what the final outcome might be.
I have a favorite saying that I adopted by Melody Beatty. "I still have bad days sometimes, but that's ok...I used to have bad years." This is so true of my life. So right now we have a few bad days. In the whole scheme of things, a few bad days here and there aren't going to swing things one way or the other.
I decided to let go and truly give my life and my husband's life to the Lord. I will cheerfully do all things that are honestly in my power, but then I will stand still , with utmost assurance see the salvation of God and let his arm be revealed. (D &C 123:17)
It is awesome to feel this kind of peace. I still don't have any clue how the outcome of this will be. I only know that whatever it is, it will be perfect.
Chris
Years ago when Jeff was very involved in a destructive addiction, I got totally caught up in trying to save him. I used every means of manipulation and coercion I could think of to try to make him "shape up". I thought I knew all the answers and what was best for him. I ended up nearly driving myself insane by trying to control him so I started to go to a councelor. After listening to my story, he told me 2 things. One is that it appeared I was suffering from what was labeled as co-dependancy, which was just as destructive to me emotionally as were the things Jeff was doing to himself. He also tried to help me understand that as long as I tried to control everything, I was getting in God's way of being able to truly help my husband in the way that would help him the most. He suggested I read Melody Beatty's book Codependant No More.
Here is how I wrote about it in my book back in 1996:
I had a marvelous experience a couple of days ago. I found my very worn copy of “Codependent No More.” I don't think I have touched it for about 2 years. That the book had been” abused was obvious. In the initial reading, I threw it across the room more than once. At times the words hit me with such a force of truth that it tore open tender, unhealed wounds, and many places had wrinkled marks where my tears left a permanent record of what I was feeling at the time. Almost every page was full of angry markings that reflected how out of control I had become in my efforts to keep my husband under control, and how much I despised the person I had allowed myself to become. I deplored the message that it was telling me because it so clearly defined the responsibility that I had to take, not only in creating my fear-driven, self-defeating behaviors, but also in the responsibility I had in my own recovery. It made me finally understand that I alone am responsible for my happiness and can’t blame anyone else if I choose to be otherwise. And though I despised what I was reading, I devoured it, for somewhere in the words, there was hope that my life didn't have to be this way.
Now just a short two years later as I lovingly caressed the worn pages, once again, tears streamed down my face. I had found the answers I needed so that I can be the kind of person I am today. Not a perfect person, but a peaceful person.
The process has not been easy. I had to learn whole new ways of taking care of myself, which was the key. I completely redefined who I was as a wife, as a mother, as a daughter of my own parents, as a daughter of God. The new definition I came up with is based on the fact that I have value in just being who I am. I do not need to perform, or prove myself to anyone. I am good enough! When I was able to see myself like that, it was so much easier to see my husband in the same light, and my children, and the people around me, and total strangers that I have never met, but feel so bonded to by the things we share electronically.
Even as I write this, the tears keep falling. I agree completely with Valerie who wrote in her post that it is a day of miracles and they do still happen. When I look in the mirror, I see the reflection of who I once was, and who I now am. And more importantly I see the person I am still becoming (which is really who I was in the very beginning).
Funny thing about my husband's recovery, it didn't really even begin until I let go and gave him back the responsibility of his own life. He was a lot stronger than I ever imagined. When I got out of God's way miracles began to happen there too.
So now here we are in a situation where I would do anything to be able to control the outcome, but it absolutely is not in my power. That has been a big source of my own agitation the last couple of days. But today I made a new choice. I chose to surrender (again) and to allow the Lord to decide the outcome of this whole situation. I can't explain the peace that entered my heart as I let go of the last vestiges of wanting things done MY way.
I am not giving up on the hope that Jeff can be a miracle and have a full and complete recovery. But if not, well, that will be ok too because I really am not the one in charge here. So for tonight, at least I am very much at peace no matter what the final outcome might be.
I have a favorite saying that I adopted by Melody Beatty. "I still have bad days sometimes, but that's ok...I used to have bad years." This is so true of my life. So right now we have a few bad days. In the whole scheme of things, a few bad days here and there aren't going to swing things one way or the other.
I decided to let go and truly give my life and my husband's life to the Lord. I will cheerfully do all things that are honestly in my power, but then I will stand still , with utmost assurance see the salvation of God and let his arm be revealed. (D &C 123:17)
It is awesome to feel this kind of peace. I still don't have any clue how the outcome of this will be. I only know that whatever it is, it will be perfect.
Chris
Thursday, November 16, 2006
Clash of the Titans
This morning was a rather intense time for me emotionally. It really hadn't started out that way except I knew when I woke up that something big was coming to the surface. I just wastn' quite sure what it was. Then I began talking to my sisters, first on-line then on the telephone. It is interesting to me that often I don't even know what thoughts are rolling around in my brain until I start to verbalize what I am feeling.
Well the emotions came out in a torrent and I realized that the feelings I wrote about last night regarding stretching had been magnified as I slept and were ready to be vocalized. It all came about as a result of taking Jeff to the doctor yesterday. I had called the office on Monday, after Jeff had refused to take his meds again and they asked us to come in.
It was a horrendous experience for Jeff. It definately is not as easy for Jeff to make transfers as it was 3 weeks ago, so just getting in and out of the car was an ordeal. Then being in a place outside of what has become a very safe haven for him made him very anxious. Those at the clinic are very kind. They just want to support us through this challenge, but needed to find out what Jeff wanted. They began interrogating him and trying to have him tell them why he did not want to take the anti-retroviral drugs anymore. It was hard for Jeff to vocalize his reasons, he only told them that for now, he was not going to do it anymore. The doctor tried to explain to Jeff that if he quits the drugs there would be many complications if he tried to start them again down the road. Jeff politely declined again.
Now for this doctor and the staff, in their experience there is only one reason a person with AIDS would refuse to take the drugs, it is because they have decided to die. So they asked the question is it more important for you to get strong or to be comfortable? Meaning, as you die how comfortable do you want to be? I'm not sure how much Jeff really comprehended what they were discussing in veiled terms, but he began to get more and more agitated. When another doctor came in to see if he could clarify what the others all thought they heard, Jeff had had enough. We brought him home.
The effects of that experience lasted throughout the day and led me to write what I did last night about stretching. You see I feel like I am being torn between 2 diametrically opposing belief systems. One that says the only reason Jeff has AIDS and PML is due to a lack of taking drugs and the only thing keeping him alive right now are chemicals and without them he will die.
The other belief is that Jeff's body became vulnerable to attack because of very big kinks in his energy flow and many layers of old emotions: pain, hurt, guilt, and shame that are giving his body an experience of dis-ease. Once those emotions and blocks are removed, his body's built in system for healing will kick in and he will have a full recovery.
I have seen so many miracles in the last year as I have learned about and participated in energy work that I honestly believe that this ancient philosophy holds many answers that are overlooked in western medicine. I also have great faith in the power of the Lord Jesus Christ. When he was on the earth, he was known as a man of miraculous healings. He gave sight to the blind, the lame walked, those with serious, incurable diseases were freed from their bondage. But more than this, often times rather than just do the obvious outward healing, he did the more important task and forgave them. As he did, their physical healing also took place. Before he ascended back to the Father, he told his apostles that all he did, they could do and even more. And they did. Why should it be any different today? Do we not need miracles today? Isn't the power of the Savior still available? If a person can just have the faith to symbolically touch the hem of his garments today, can they not be healed?
As I write this a part of me shouts out "YES!!!" then another voice comes in right behind it sewing seeds of doubt, shouting, but AIDS is incurable, he will die if he doesn't take his meds and you will too. Force Him, Coerce Him, Do anything to Make him do it. Whose voice is that? It is a voice of fear and misery. I do not want to listen to that voice even if it sometimes seems to completely overpower me.
But then I look at Jeff. It is true that his body has lost strength and things are much more difficult now then they were a few weeks ago. But his eyes are bright and focused. In fact tonight he told me that he knows the lesions are healing because he can tell it in his sight. He has had some very incredibly healing experiences and has let go of so many destructive emotions that have been held captive in his body. He continues to heal emotionally and spiritually and he has told me he wants to live. I believe that his body will follow his desires.
It was interesting trying to force the issue. It was as if his body refused the meds because Jeff clamped his teeth shut so hard that nothing Charla or I could do would open his mouth. On the other hand, in the mornings when I give him his purple smoothy full of antioxidants and brain food it he inhales it and then wants more. It is as if his body knows what it needs because Jeff is not really aware of any of those things right now. When I bring him his other meals, he devours them. He is also drinking water continuously on his own now. I don't have to even remind him.
So what does this mean?
I DON'T KNOW. I know what I want to believe, but it is hard for me to even write this down publicly, because what if he dies anyway? Will people think I am just a fool? Will they dismiss any of the other energy work and complementary modalities that I have come to appreciate so much? Well to be honest, what other people think of me is none of my business and I am dedicated to just telling the truth here. Time will tell. There will come a point where there will be a final conclusion. I do know that if Jeff is meant to die, he will do so in a very peaceful calm way because he is totally prepared to greet the Lord. So none of this will have been in vain.
My sister asked me today what would be the worst case scenario. My answer was that Jeff would die, and I would remain the same. For me this clash of the titans really has nothing to do with Jeff at all, it has everything to do with my own faith and trust in a God and his universe that is far more powerful than anything man can even conceive. My wise older sibling also suggested one of the reasons this whole stretching thing is so uncomfortable is because I keep resisting it. In yoga, you just have to keep breathing and allow yourself to flow into the stretch. Resisting is where the pain comes. She also helped me understand that as faith increases, the doubt decreases. I'm not quite there yet, but if this whole experience helps me to stretch my belief and expand my faith so that all doubt will evaporate, I will be eternally grateful to Jeff for his part in teaching me. Oh, wait, I already am eternally grateful for him. That is one thing there will never be an internal clash about.
Chris
Well the emotions came out in a torrent and I realized that the feelings I wrote about last night regarding stretching had been magnified as I slept and were ready to be vocalized. It all came about as a result of taking Jeff to the doctor yesterday. I had called the office on Monday, after Jeff had refused to take his meds again and they asked us to come in.
It was a horrendous experience for Jeff. It definately is not as easy for Jeff to make transfers as it was 3 weeks ago, so just getting in and out of the car was an ordeal. Then being in a place outside of what has become a very safe haven for him made him very anxious. Those at the clinic are very kind. They just want to support us through this challenge, but needed to find out what Jeff wanted. They began interrogating him and trying to have him tell them why he did not want to take the anti-retroviral drugs anymore. It was hard for Jeff to vocalize his reasons, he only told them that for now, he was not going to do it anymore. The doctor tried to explain to Jeff that if he quits the drugs there would be many complications if he tried to start them again down the road. Jeff politely declined again.
Now for this doctor and the staff, in their experience there is only one reason a person with AIDS would refuse to take the drugs, it is because they have decided to die. So they asked the question is it more important for you to get strong or to be comfortable? Meaning, as you die how comfortable do you want to be? I'm not sure how much Jeff really comprehended what they were discussing in veiled terms, but he began to get more and more agitated. When another doctor came in to see if he could clarify what the others all thought they heard, Jeff had had enough. We brought him home.
The effects of that experience lasted throughout the day and led me to write what I did last night about stretching. You see I feel like I am being torn between 2 diametrically opposing belief systems. One that says the only reason Jeff has AIDS and PML is due to a lack of taking drugs and the only thing keeping him alive right now are chemicals and without them he will die.
The other belief is that Jeff's body became vulnerable to attack because of very big kinks in his energy flow and many layers of old emotions: pain, hurt, guilt, and shame that are giving his body an experience of dis-ease. Once those emotions and blocks are removed, his body's built in system for healing will kick in and he will have a full recovery.
I have seen so many miracles in the last year as I have learned about and participated in energy work that I honestly believe that this ancient philosophy holds many answers that are overlooked in western medicine. I also have great faith in the power of the Lord Jesus Christ. When he was on the earth, he was known as a man of miraculous healings. He gave sight to the blind, the lame walked, those with serious, incurable diseases were freed from their bondage. But more than this, often times rather than just do the obvious outward healing, he did the more important task and forgave them. As he did, their physical healing also took place. Before he ascended back to the Father, he told his apostles that all he did, they could do and even more. And they did. Why should it be any different today? Do we not need miracles today? Isn't the power of the Savior still available? If a person can just have the faith to symbolically touch the hem of his garments today, can they not be healed?
As I write this a part of me shouts out "YES!!!" then another voice comes in right behind it sewing seeds of doubt, shouting, but AIDS is incurable, he will die if he doesn't take his meds and you will too. Force Him, Coerce Him, Do anything to Make him do it. Whose voice is that? It is a voice of fear and misery. I do not want to listen to that voice even if it sometimes seems to completely overpower me.
But then I look at Jeff. It is true that his body has lost strength and things are much more difficult now then they were a few weeks ago. But his eyes are bright and focused. In fact tonight he told me that he knows the lesions are healing because he can tell it in his sight. He has had some very incredibly healing experiences and has let go of so many destructive emotions that have been held captive in his body. He continues to heal emotionally and spiritually and he has told me he wants to live. I believe that his body will follow his desires.
It was interesting trying to force the issue. It was as if his body refused the meds because Jeff clamped his teeth shut so hard that nothing Charla or I could do would open his mouth. On the other hand, in the mornings when I give him his purple smoothy full of antioxidants and brain food it he inhales it and then wants more. It is as if his body knows what it needs because Jeff is not really aware of any of those things right now. When I bring him his other meals, he devours them. He is also drinking water continuously on his own now. I don't have to even remind him.
So what does this mean?
I DON'T KNOW. I know what I want to believe, but it is hard for me to even write this down publicly, because what if he dies anyway? Will people think I am just a fool? Will they dismiss any of the other energy work and complementary modalities that I have come to appreciate so much? Well to be honest, what other people think of me is none of my business and I am dedicated to just telling the truth here. Time will tell. There will come a point where there will be a final conclusion. I do know that if Jeff is meant to die, he will do so in a very peaceful calm way because he is totally prepared to greet the Lord. So none of this will have been in vain.
My sister asked me today what would be the worst case scenario. My answer was that Jeff would die, and I would remain the same. For me this clash of the titans really has nothing to do with Jeff at all, it has everything to do with my own faith and trust in a God and his universe that is far more powerful than anything man can even conceive. My wise older sibling also suggested one of the reasons this whole stretching thing is so uncomfortable is because I keep resisting it. In yoga, you just have to keep breathing and allow yourself to flow into the stretch. Resisting is where the pain comes. She also helped me understand that as faith increases, the doubt decreases. I'm not quite there yet, but if this whole experience helps me to stretch my belief and expand my faith so that all doubt will evaporate, I will be eternally grateful to Jeff for his part in teaching me. Oh, wait, I already am eternally grateful for him. That is one thing there will never be an internal clash about.
Chris
Wednesday, November 15, 2006
On The Rack
One of the most unique parts of our relationship has been Jeff 's interpretation of what my purposes in life are as well as his purpose in my life. According to him, one of my purposes is to send plants speedily to the Spirit Realm. In other words, houseplants and I do not get along. I just end up killing them. And according to the wisdom of Jeff, one of his purposes in my life is to make me stretch. Now in order to get the full visual of how he said this, the word ssstttrretchh is fully exagerated and he has always let me know how important this stretching thing is.
To be honest, I have never really understood exactly why my stretching seems to be important to my husband. It seems to be something he thinks must be good for me. But frankly, stretching is not something I do easily. I have done yoga in the past in hopes of making my body a bit more flexible, but I can't say that I have truly enjoyed the experience.
So what is it about stretching? I think Jeff's interpretation for me is about growth and having experiences outside my comfort zone. Well let me tell you, I am stretching. In fact, today I told him I felt like I have been put on the rack, you know that ancient torture device that literally pulled people apart. I suppose I am growing from all this, but how I long for my old comfort zones.
One of the things that keeps me stretching is the fact that I never know from one day to the next what new challenges we may be facing. I am also really discovering I am stretching in areas of faith and hope and letting go and trusting God. Two months ago if someone asked me about those areas, I am sure I could have given them quite a convincing lecture on my philosophy in these areas. But this new challenge has really stretched me to look inside at the core of my belief system.
I want to have faith, but sometimes I don't know what that is or what I want to have faith in. I want to trust in the Lord and know that all things things will give us experience and be for our good, but exactly what does that mean? Faith would be so much easier if we knew exactly when and how everything would ultimately be resolved. But then I guess that wouldn't be faith would it. I read something today that said:
"faith is the believing that what you cannot see will come to pass"
"fear is believing that what you cannot see will come to pass"
Flip sides of the same coin. I want to choose faith, but sometimes that old fear thing is just so much more familiar.
So I guess I will let myself continue to be stretched in this area and just keep looking for the evidence every day of miracles that help to strengthen my faith.
Chris
chris
To be honest, I have never really understood exactly why my stretching seems to be important to my husband. It seems to be something he thinks must be good for me. But frankly, stretching is not something I do easily. I have done yoga in the past in hopes of making my body a bit more flexible, but I can't say that I have truly enjoyed the experience.
So what is it about stretching? I think Jeff's interpretation for me is about growth and having experiences outside my comfort zone. Well let me tell you, I am stretching. In fact, today I told him I felt like I have been put on the rack, you know that ancient torture device that literally pulled people apart. I suppose I am growing from all this, but how I long for my old comfort zones.
One of the things that keeps me stretching is the fact that I never know from one day to the next what new challenges we may be facing. I am also really discovering I am stretching in areas of faith and hope and letting go and trusting God. Two months ago if someone asked me about those areas, I am sure I could have given them quite a convincing lecture on my philosophy in these areas. But this new challenge has really stretched me to look inside at the core of my belief system.
I want to have faith, but sometimes I don't know what that is or what I want to have faith in. I want to trust in the Lord and know that all things things will give us experience and be for our good, but exactly what does that mean? Faith would be so much easier if we knew exactly when and how everything would ultimately be resolved. But then I guess that wouldn't be faith would it. I read something today that said:
"faith is the believing that what you cannot see will come to pass"
"fear is believing that what you cannot see will come to pass"
Flip sides of the same coin. I want to choose faith, but sometimes that old fear thing is just so much more familiar.
So I guess I will let myself continue to be stretched in this area and just keep looking for the evidence every day of miracles that help to strengthen my faith.
Chris
chris
Loving the Light
Today was such an awesome day. I can't believe what a difference it makes to wake up feeling full of light rather than in the depths of despair. I can tell it is making a difference for Jeff too. When the energy therapist came to work with us this morning, his face was full of light. He worked hard on clearing more issues that are coming to the surface. I had a chance to release more of my old stuff as well. Each time we do this, I feel more and more light coming into my heart.
The home health care nurse and the physical therapist also came today. His health continues to steadily improve. However, his muscle tone is declining somewhat due to lack of use, so it is definately getting more difficult for him to transfer from the bed to his wheelchair to his chair. He worked very hard with the PT and was worn out when she left. I admire his courage and determination so much. She did put in the orders for the hospital bed. I don't expect him to just lie around in bed all day, but it will make some things much easier. At this point, I am really being very careful about taking care of myself so any help I can get in that respect is a good move.
Charla came home from the library today with a copy of Charlotte's Web in spanish and began reading it to Jeff. He enjoyed it very much. I am also reading a book to him called Healing the Inner Self From Darkness into Light by Melvin C Fish. It is an amazing book that has helped me understand much of what has happened in our lives, especially the last couple of years since Emily died. Jeff seems to totally comprehend both the Spanish and the concepts in the other book. We have had some very interesting discussions lately.
He joined us at the table for dinner tonight and got a kick out of hearing our children plan a business venture. He was just delightful and pleasant all evening. Even though many things are extremely challenging right now with his body, his mind seems more clear than ever. I take that as a good sign. More than anything else right now we are truly loving the light that seems to be eminanting throughout our home and in our hearts.
Each day is a new adventure in learning. We will see what tomorrow brings.
Chris
The home health care nurse and the physical therapist also came today. His health continues to steadily improve. However, his muscle tone is declining somewhat due to lack of use, so it is definately getting more difficult for him to transfer from the bed to his wheelchair to his chair. He worked very hard with the PT and was worn out when she left. I admire his courage and determination so much. She did put in the orders for the hospital bed. I don't expect him to just lie around in bed all day, but it will make some things much easier. At this point, I am really being very careful about taking care of myself so any help I can get in that respect is a good move.
Charla came home from the library today with a copy of Charlotte's Web in spanish and began reading it to Jeff. He enjoyed it very much. I am also reading a book to him called Healing the Inner Self From Darkness into Light by Melvin C Fish. It is an amazing book that has helped me understand much of what has happened in our lives, especially the last couple of years since Emily died. Jeff seems to totally comprehend both the Spanish and the concepts in the other book. We have had some very interesting discussions lately.
He joined us at the table for dinner tonight and got a kick out of hearing our children plan a business venture. He was just delightful and pleasant all evening. Even though many things are extremely challenging right now with his body, his mind seems more clear than ever. I take that as a good sign. More than anything else right now we are truly loving the light that seems to be eminanting throughout our home and in our hearts.
Each day is a new adventure in learning. We will see what tomorrow brings.
Chris
Monday, November 13, 2006
Wahoo, What a Rush!!
For some reason I feel totally different today than I have for a long time. I think I have made some new decisions too. I have decided not to live my life as if it is a tragedy. It has been hard, harder than anything I ever could imagine, but it is time for me to move forward in my life. This doesn't mean I will neglect or abandon my husband. It only means that I am remembering a choice I made a long time ago.
Let me explain. I like to visualize having an interview with my Father and Mother in Heaven before I came into this physical experience. I can imagine my very enthusiastic spirit so excited about the prospects of coming to earth and being asked what I would like to learn. I am quite sure in my exuberance I said "EVERYTHING!!!" I just want an adventure. I can imagine my Heavenly Parents saying "are you sure?" and reminding me that I didn't have a physical body yet and did not understand the concept of pain. But I knew what I wanted and I must have been a pretty determined spirit so I assured them that yes, I wanted to learn about forgiveness, and patience, and sorrow so that I could ultimately learn about love, the kind of love that they had. I can then visualize my Father telling me that if that were the case, I would have to trust Him, not in a way that he would make things happen to me, but that when events or situations arose in my life that seemed far beyond my capacity to endure, that I would know that I could seek strength from above and it would be granted to me because I was learning the lessons I chose to learn.
I am quite certain that there was no reason for me to have anything but absolute trust in my Heavenly Parents then, so now my task now is to remember that choice.
Many years ago, there was a time when I was so angry at everything that was happening in my life that I shook my hand at the heavens and screamed that I rescinded my vote to come to this place where it seemed as if other people's agency only robbed me of happiness. I definately was not shouting for joy any more and just wanted to go home. I was a little ashamed at my tirade because it was anything but reverent, but I felt heard. It was as if my Father was putting his arm around me and saying "there do you feel better now?" And I did feel better. I realized that as my Father, he wanted me to share all my feelings with him so that he could help me work through them. In fact, I realized that the reason He sent his son to the earth was so that he could listen to me and totally understand what I was feeling, because he too had been there.
I made a choice to put my trust in the Lord then. It changed my life completely and from that day forward rather than having moments of peace, I had moments of anxiety.
Today I remembered to choose to trust in the Lord again.
Carol Tuttle gives a little scenario in Remembering Wholeness : "Maybe to my spiritual higher self, none of the [energy of pain, darkness and hardship] felt bad. Maybe moving through this energy in the physical world and coming out of it was like taking a ride on Space Mountain at Disneyland: It was dark and bumpy; it jerked me around; I felt out of control most of the time, and I wasn't sure when it was going to end. When I am on the Space Mountain ride, I love it. I am yelling and waving my hands in the air. Maybe if in our deepest darkest moments we could really grasp that our higher self is loving what we are going through, that it is like a wild ride, we would yell and wave our hands in the air. Our higher self really knows all is well and that the ride will come to an end."
So today anyway, I am feeling like shouting "Wahoo, what a rush!!" I don't have to put a lot of energy in worrying about tomorrow, or the next day, or the next. All I have to do is remember that no matter what happens, I am having the time of my life learning awesome lessons and am being given strength far beyond my mortal capacity.
So there, you have a little bit about my more of my philosophy of life. It is good for me to remember it, especially after a week like we had last week. It is also awesome to be able to breathe again.
Jeff had a great day today. We definately still have many major challenges, but he is on this ride with me and is trying so hard to figure out how to enjoy it too. The challenge for all of us is not to just wait until the ride is over to realize how much fun it was, but to enjoy every moment of the adventure.
So whatever challenges you might be facing in your life, use a new perspective and rather than moaning and complaining as I have been known to do on occasion, just say "WAHOO!!"and enjoy the moment.
Chris
Let me explain. I like to visualize having an interview with my Father and Mother in Heaven before I came into this physical experience. I can imagine my very enthusiastic spirit so excited about the prospects of coming to earth and being asked what I would like to learn. I am quite sure in my exuberance I said "EVERYTHING!!!" I just want an adventure. I can imagine my Heavenly Parents saying "are you sure?" and reminding me that I didn't have a physical body yet and did not understand the concept of pain. But I knew what I wanted and I must have been a pretty determined spirit so I assured them that yes, I wanted to learn about forgiveness, and patience, and sorrow so that I could ultimately learn about love, the kind of love that they had. I can then visualize my Father telling me that if that were the case, I would have to trust Him, not in a way that he would make things happen to me, but that when events or situations arose in my life that seemed far beyond my capacity to endure, that I would know that I could seek strength from above and it would be granted to me because I was learning the lessons I chose to learn.
I am quite certain that there was no reason for me to have anything but absolute trust in my Heavenly Parents then, so now my task now is to remember that choice.
Many years ago, there was a time when I was so angry at everything that was happening in my life that I shook my hand at the heavens and screamed that I rescinded my vote to come to this place where it seemed as if other people's agency only robbed me of happiness. I definately was not shouting for joy any more and just wanted to go home. I was a little ashamed at my tirade because it was anything but reverent, but I felt heard. It was as if my Father was putting his arm around me and saying "there do you feel better now?" And I did feel better. I realized that as my Father, he wanted me to share all my feelings with him so that he could help me work through them. In fact, I realized that the reason He sent his son to the earth was so that he could listen to me and totally understand what I was feeling, because he too had been there.
I made a choice to put my trust in the Lord then. It changed my life completely and from that day forward rather than having moments of peace, I had moments of anxiety.
Today I remembered to choose to trust in the Lord again.
Carol Tuttle gives a little scenario in Remembering Wholeness : "Maybe to my spiritual higher self, none of the [energy of pain, darkness and hardship] felt bad. Maybe moving through this energy in the physical world and coming out of it was like taking a ride on Space Mountain at Disneyland: It was dark and bumpy; it jerked me around; I felt out of control most of the time, and I wasn't sure when it was going to end. When I am on the Space Mountain ride, I love it. I am yelling and waving my hands in the air. Maybe if in our deepest darkest moments we could really grasp that our higher self is loving what we are going through, that it is like a wild ride, we would yell and wave our hands in the air. Our higher self really knows all is well and that the ride will come to an end."
So today anyway, I am feeling like shouting "Wahoo, what a rush!!" I don't have to put a lot of energy in worrying about tomorrow, or the next day, or the next. All I have to do is remember that no matter what happens, I am having the time of my life learning awesome lessons and am being given strength far beyond my mortal capacity.
So there, you have a little bit about my more of my philosophy of life. It is good for me to remember it, especially after a week like we had last week. It is also awesome to be able to breathe again.
Jeff had a great day today. We definately still have many major challenges, but he is on this ride with me and is trying so hard to figure out how to enjoy it too. The challenge for all of us is not to just wait until the ride is over to realize how much fun it was, but to enjoy every moment of the adventure.
So whatever challenges you might be facing in your life, use a new perspective and rather than moaning and complaining as I have been known to do on occasion, just say "WAHOO!!"and enjoy the moment.
Chris
Sunday, November 12, 2006
Rays of Sunshine
It was a dark, cold, blustery day in Boise. But inside the walls of our home there were rays of sunshine. About 7:00 this morning Jeff woke up with a very calm and sweet demeanor. When I asked him how he was doing he said he was good. I told him it was good to have him back. He told me it was good to be back. Then he went back to sleep for awhile. I rejoiced and I said many thank you's.
Later on when he woke up I got him out of bed and in to the shower. Well kind of. He really is not as stable as he once was, so transfering him to the shower seat did not make him feel safe. So I just took the shower head and washed him right there in his wheel chair. It made quite the mess on the bathroom floor. But it wasn't anything that couldn't be cleaned up and at least my husband was clean.
He then drank 2 glasses of smoothy and ate scrambled eggs for breakfast. All day he was ravenous. We finally just put finger foods by the side of his chair and just let him eat. He ate grapes and chicken and dried cherries and avacado. I think he really liked having a little more control over his food and it gave him something to do. I also put a water bottle within his reach and he drank the whole thing.
A little while ago I asked him if he had made a new decision. He said he had decided that maybe it's not ok for him to make an arbitrary premature decision about death right now and has decided to continue to allow himself to heal. I wept with joy. He just kept saying you're welcome, you're welcome.
I also had an apology to make to him. I apologized for my behavior the other night when I just judged him as being stubborn and defiant. The truth was, I was being a bit selfish. I didn't want to have to clean him up so I was insistent on him using the toilet, even though for him at this point, it is not something he has control over. It was my frustration that led to him ending up on the floor, not just his defiance and stubborness. Today I asked him for forgiveness for my not behaving with compassion. He was very willing to forgive me and told me he is ok now.
For a long time Jeff has told me the reason I married him was so I could learn patience and have experiences. Oh, my do I still have a lot to learn. Just when I think I have it down, I get new advanced lessons. But the truth is I am trying to live in the light, even when darkness surrounds us, there is light if we but ask for it and invite it into our hearts.
Today our home was filled with rays of sunshine. There were several times I had the privilege of cleaning Jeff up. But you know, it was an act of love, just as it was when my children were babies and I changed their diapers. Jeff is very patient with me. I think it is a gift that he does not seem real cognizant of what is happening.
Tomorrow we are going to get a hospital bed. It had been my plan all along, but when we first got here, things were a little easier than they are now, so I put that plan aside. We don't know what the future holds. For now, Jeff's immune system is being strengthened. Once it gets strong enough, it will take care of the lesions on the brain and hopefully things will begin to return to normal again.
Until then, we are just taking one day at a time bringing in rays of sunshine as best we can. Being grateful for every little miracle along the way and sharing our journey with you. Thank you for joining us. It is an incredible adventure.
Chris
Later on when he woke up I got him out of bed and in to the shower. Well kind of. He really is not as stable as he once was, so transfering him to the shower seat did not make him feel safe. So I just took the shower head and washed him right there in his wheel chair. It made quite the mess on the bathroom floor. But it wasn't anything that couldn't be cleaned up and at least my husband was clean.
He then drank 2 glasses of smoothy and ate scrambled eggs for breakfast. All day he was ravenous. We finally just put finger foods by the side of his chair and just let him eat. He ate grapes and chicken and dried cherries and avacado. I think he really liked having a little more control over his food and it gave him something to do. I also put a water bottle within his reach and he drank the whole thing.
A little while ago I asked him if he had made a new decision. He said he had decided that maybe it's not ok for him to make an arbitrary premature decision about death right now and has decided to continue to allow himself to heal. I wept with joy. He just kept saying you're welcome, you're welcome.
I also had an apology to make to him. I apologized for my behavior the other night when I just judged him as being stubborn and defiant. The truth was, I was being a bit selfish. I didn't want to have to clean him up so I was insistent on him using the toilet, even though for him at this point, it is not something he has control over. It was my frustration that led to him ending up on the floor, not just his defiance and stubborness. Today I asked him for forgiveness for my not behaving with compassion. He was very willing to forgive me and told me he is ok now.
For a long time Jeff has told me the reason I married him was so I could learn patience and have experiences. Oh, my do I still have a lot to learn. Just when I think I have it down, I get new advanced lessons. But the truth is I am trying to live in the light, even when darkness surrounds us, there is light if we but ask for it and invite it into our hearts.
Today our home was filled with rays of sunshine. There were several times I had the privilege of cleaning Jeff up. But you know, it was an act of love, just as it was when my children were babies and I changed their diapers. Jeff is very patient with me. I think it is a gift that he does not seem real cognizant of what is happening.
Tomorrow we are going to get a hospital bed. It had been my plan all along, but when we first got here, things were a little easier than they are now, so I put that plan aside. We don't know what the future holds. For now, Jeff's immune system is being strengthened. Once it gets strong enough, it will take care of the lesions on the brain and hopefully things will begin to return to normal again.
Until then, we are just taking one day at a time bringing in rays of sunshine as best we can. Being grateful for every little miracle along the way and sharing our journey with you. Thank you for joining us. It is an incredible adventure.
Chris
Saturday, November 11, 2006
Angels in Our Midst
Today I needed angels. When Jeff woke up this morning, he informed me he had made a new decision. Sometime between lying on the bathroom floor the other night and being quiet and meek yesterday, he had arbitrarily decided this is too hard for me, for the kids, for him and had chosen to die. As a result of this new decision, he came to several other conclusions. For one, he decided the best way to die would be to refuse any nourishment, water, or medications which is why he fought us so hard last night.
He also refused to move from his bed today. He refused to receive any love. He refused to receive any light or anything that might sustain his life. It was a difficult day. I needed angels.
They came in the form of 5 young people who drove up from Provo last night. They are what I lovingly call "children of my heart." Many years ago when we lived in Florida, we opened our home to our children's friends. These particular friends of Jason were always welcome. They invaded our home almost every weekend. They made themselves comfortable and slept wherever they could find an empty spot on the floor in the living room. They raided the cupboards and cleaned out my refridgerator. And we loved them. We loved the joy, the laughter, the spunkiness, the individual personalities. Jeff loved them. He wrestled with them and played games with them. He gave them the "Chinese Spit Torture" He talked to them as real people, not just as pesky young teenagers. There was also an occasional rescue. They obeyed the rules of our home and knew that no matter what, they were welcomed and they were loved.
When these friends of my son heard what was going on with their friend Jeff, they hopped in a car and drove several hours just to say hi. When they got here this afternoon, the years melted away and even though their bodies are much larger and their voices deeper (well most of them), these young people became angels of light once again bringing laughter, joy, and love into our home.
I fed them strawberry crepes as I had so often in the past. I listened to them update me on their lives now and what their plans and dreams of the future are. We found joy in the memories of the past, and rejoiced in recognizing those bonds that were formed so long ago are as strong as ever.
They came in and visited with Jeff. Each in turn gave him a hug and told him how much they loved him. Jeff stayed in his room and listened through the open door as they laughed and wrestled and played. It took him back many years to another time and season. It was the medicine he needed today.
Before they left, they gave Jeff an even greater gift of faith and love as each in turn knelt beside his bed prayed for him. I have never before heard such sincere prayers of love, gratitude and desire. I knew how much they loved my husband because he loved them first. Their love filled our home with light. They were angels sent to me today on a day we needed them most. My gratitude for the gifts they gave us today is beyond anything I can describe in words.
They are gone now, but the energy of their laughter, joy, and love still fills the surrounding air. Jeff still has personal decisions to make. But he did eat a few bites of watermelon tonight. I rejoiced. I have told him what I want. I want for him to be one of God's miracles and choose to live so that he can share this message with others. But the choice has to be his. He has to want to live and continue to allow those of us who love him most to serve him as his body gets stronger. If not, I will honor his agency and do whatever he will allow me to do.
Tonight I am once again asking for prayers on Jeff's behalf. I am praying that he will know the will of God in his life and have the courage to follow through with whatever that will may be. At this point, I honestly do not know, but I do know that I believe in miracles. I was a witness to miracles today. The power of love is the greatest gift of all. Thank you God for sending angels to be in our midst today. Thank you Matt B, Matt V, Ryan, Mocha Joe, and Ellen. We love you.
Chris
He also refused to move from his bed today. He refused to receive any love. He refused to receive any light or anything that might sustain his life. It was a difficult day. I needed angels.
They came in the form of 5 young people who drove up from Provo last night. They are what I lovingly call "children of my heart." Many years ago when we lived in Florida, we opened our home to our children's friends. These particular friends of Jason were always welcome. They invaded our home almost every weekend. They made themselves comfortable and slept wherever they could find an empty spot on the floor in the living room. They raided the cupboards and cleaned out my refridgerator. And we loved them. We loved the joy, the laughter, the spunkiness, the individual personalities. Jeff loved them. He wrestled with them and played games with them. He gave them the "Chinese Spit Torture" He talked to them as real people, not just as pesky young teenagers. There was also an occasional rescue. They obeyed the rules of our home and knew that no matter what, they were welcomed and they were loved.
When these friends of my son heard what was going on with their friend Jeff, they hopped in a car and drove several hours just to say hi. When they got here this afternoon, the years melted away and even though their bodies are much larger and their voices deeper (well most of them), these young people became angels of light once again bringing laughter, joy, and love into our home.
I fed them strawberry crepes as I had so often in the past. I listened to them update me on their lives now and what their plans and dreams of the future are. We found joy in the memories of the past, and rejoiced in recognizing those bonds that were formed so long ago are as strong as ever.
They came in and visited with Jeff. Each in turn gave him a hug and told him how much they loved him. Jeff stayed in his room and listened through the open door as they laughed and wrestled and played. It took him back many years to another time and season. It was the medicine he needed today.
Before they left, they gave Jeff an even greater gift of faith and love as each in turn knelt beside his bed prayed for him. I have never before heard such sincere prayers of love, gratitude and desire. I knew how much they loved my husband because he loved them first. Their love filled our home with light. They were angels sent to me today on a day we needed them most. My gratitude for the gifts they gave us today is beyond anything I can describe in words.
They are gone now, but the energy of their laughter, joy, and love still fills the surrounding air. Jeff still has personal decisions to make. But he did eat a few bites of watermelon tonight. I rejoiced. I have told him what I want. I want for him to be one of God's miracles and choose to live so that he can share this message with others. But the choice has to be his. He has to want to live and continue to allow those of us who love him most to serve him as his body gets stronger. If not, I will honor his agency and do whatever he will allow me to do.
Tonight I am once again asking for prayers on Jeff's behalf. I am praying that he will know the will of God in his life and have the courage to follow through with whatever that will may be. At this point, I honestly do not know, but I do know that I believe in miracles. I was a witness to miracles today. The power of love is the greatest gift of all. Thank you God for sending angels to be in our midst today. Thank you Matt B, Matt V, Ryan, Mocha Joe, and Ellen. We love you.
Chris
Friday, November 10, 2006
Meekness
It was such a relief around 4:00 this morning to find my husband awake and open to conversation. Not that I like being awake that early in the morning, but since Jeff seemed to be very alert, we discussed what happened last night.
He remembered most of it, especially laying on the bathroom floor and being very, very angry with me. But he had forgiven me and was ready to listen to my concerns. I was direct with him bout the fact that if he continues to fight me in a way that makes it unsafe for either or both of us, then I will no longer be able to care for him here at home. It is not what either one of us wants. My children have been so incredibly supportive of us and have helped out as much as they are able to. But I honestly told him it would not be in any of our best interest to have a repeat of last night.
I think he understood because this morning when we got up, he was very meek. He let me take him in to the bathroom and was very polite to me all day long. I think he felt a little bad for his misbehavior, but I told him that he needs to be able to express his feelings of anger. It just has to be done in a safe way.
The entire day he was very, very quiet. He told me he was just thinking a lot. He was cooperative both with the Home Health Nurse and the Physical Therapist that came to help. There definately has been a little more deterioration in his ability to know where he is in time and space. This has been something he has dealt with all along, but the last few days it seems he has less awareness which is probably why going to the bathroom has been so hard for him. For some reason it has just felt very unsafe for him.
This does lead to some new and interesting challenges for us, but not any that are unexpected. I am just trying to honor his feelings and give him many, many choices. I refuse to fight him. The only time he showed any resistance today was in taking his meds. He only has one pill he takes at night now, but it is a very large pill that must taste terrible.
He adamantly refused to put it in his mouth. I called in reinforcements and Charla came in to see if she could help. Usually her playfulness will help to lift his mood and she can usually get him to do what he needs to do. It didn't work tonight. There have been times in the past I would just not let this be a big deal and we would skip the meds. But right now, these meds are a lifeline for him so there is no choice. We finally had to take some pretty drastic action and plug his nose. He was not happy with us, but he did swallow that one pill. It was a very difficult thing for both Charla and I to do because the look of terror that came on his face when we forced the issue. It took him a long time to even talk to me afterwards. I am open to any feedback on ways to get him to take his meds.
For now that is the report. For the most part, it really was a good day today. We still face some major obstacles, but we are not alone. I too am trying to be meek and humble. I have decided to just let this be easy. At any given moment it is. It is only looking at the long term uncertainties that it gets overwhelming. So even though I don't avoid thinking of future possibilities, I do not dwell on all the things I do not have control over. It is much easier this way.
I have a very favorite card that I have sent out to people who are facing difficult situations. It is a picture of a lamb that is in an obviously difficult situation, holding on for dear life. The caption says "The last thing you need is someone else to tell you to hang in there". When you open the card, the same lamb is still holding on, but what he is holding on to are great big fingers and he is swinging upward going "whee!!" The caption says. "I just want to remind you who it is you are holding on to"
This is what I need reminders of every day. The good days as well as the not so good ones. It helps me stay meek and in remembrance of whose hands I am in. For this moment, that is good enough.
Chris
He remembered most of it, especially laying on the bathroom floor and being very, very angry with me. But he had forgiven me and was ready to listen to my concerns. I was direct with him bout the fact that if he continues to fight me in a way that makes it unsafe for either or both of us, then I will no longer be able to care for him here at home. It is not what either one of us wants. My children have been so incredibly supportive of us and have helped out as much as they are able to. But I honestly told him it would not be in any of our best interest to have a repeat of last night.
I think he understood because this morning when we got up, he was very meek. He let me take him in to the bathroom and was very polite to me all day long. I think he felt a little bad for his misbehavior, but I told him that he needs to be able to express his feelings of anger. It just has to be done in a safe way.
The entire day he was very, very quiet. He told me he was just thinking a lot. He was cooperative both with the Home Health Nurse and the Physical Therapist that came to help. There definately has been a little more deterioration in his ability to know where he is in time and space. This has been something he has dealt with all along, but the last few days it seems he has less awareness which is probably why going to the bathroom has been so hard for him. For some reason it has just felt very unsafe for him.
This does lead to some new and interesting challenges for us, but not any that are unexpected. I am just trying to honor his feelings and give him many, many choices. I refuse to fight him. The only time he showed any resistance today was in taking his meds. He only has one pill he takes at night now, but it is a very large pill that must taste terrible.
He adamantly refused to put it in his mouth. I called in reinforcements and Charla came in to see if she could help. Usually her playfulness will help to lift his mood and she can usually get him to do what he needs to do. It didn't work tonight. There have been times in the past I would just not let this be a big deal and we would skip the meds. But right now, these meds are a lifeline for him so there is no choice. We finally had to take some pretty drastic action and plug his nose. He was not happy with us, but he did swallow that one pill. It was a very difficult thing for both Charla and I to do because the look of terror that came on his face when we forced the issue. It took him a long time to even talk to me afterwards. I am open to any feedback on ways to get him to take his meds.
For now that is the report. For the most part, it really was a good day today. We still face some major obstacles, but we are not alone. I too am trying to be meek and humble. I have decided to just let this be easy. At any given moment it is. It is only looking at the long term uncertainties that it gets overwhelming. So even though I don't avoid thinking of future possibilities, I do not dwell on all the things I do not have control over. It is much easier this way.
I have a very favorite card that I have sent out to people who are facing difficult situations. It is a picture of a lamb that is in an obviously difficult situation, holding on for dear life. The caption says "The last thing you need is someone else to tell you to hang in there". When you open the card, the same lamb is still holding on, but what he is holding on to are great big fingers and he is swinging upward going "whee!!" The caption says. "I just want to remind you who it is you are holding on to"
This is what I need reminders of every day. The good days as well as the not so good ones. It helps me stay meek and in remembrance of whose hands I am in. For this moment, that is good enough.
Chris
Thursday, November 09, 2006
Determination vs Stubbornness
There are so many signs that Jeff is getting stronger. His voice is much stronger, he has much more energy than he has had in the past few weeks, he definately has a lot of strength on his left side...and his willpower is getting stronger too.
Let me explain what I mean by that. Ever since Jeff got sick and lost his eyesight and his ability to move freely, he has been very compliant and sweet natured about letting me help him. He has willingly submitted like a child to anything I asked him to do. Until today.
He woke up this morning and flat out told me he was going to be in a bad mood. All day he was defiant. He refused to drink his energy drink. He refused to take his morning supplements. He refused to eat food he did not like and he refused to let me even take him to the bathroom.
I cannot tell you how frustrating this was for me. I had made plans to go and visit my sisters this afernoon, but Jeff was absolutely insistent on playing a game that would keep me here. It was especially unnerving when he fought me as I was trying to move him from the bed where he had been napping just to his wheelchair. He pushed me away and very forcefully told me "NO!!" I felt like I was dealing with a very stubborn 2 year old.
Tonight as I prepared to begin the evening rituals, he once again refused to allow me to help him. I took him in the bathroom and told him what the rules were. I would take him and put him in bed after he let me help him sit on the toilet. He adamantly refused. This was not a game I was willing to play. So I told him when he was ready to let me know.
To make a very long story short, he ended up scooting out of his wheelchair and laying on the bathroom floor for over an hour. He refused to let me help him get up and I could not do it without his help. My children were both out for the evening, so I had to call them home to help out. Jeff was pretty determined just to sleep on the bathroom floor rather than have us help him. But between the 3 of us, we got him up and into bed.
I'm not sure how I can properly explain my frustration at this turn of events. I tried to just meet him at his level and make it a game with choices and fun. That did not work. I tried listening to his needs. He didn't know what those were except that he knew what he did not want. I could not help him get what he really wanted because neither one of us knew what that was.
I'm sure there are lessons in this for me tonight. I am trying hard to be positive and to set the intention that tomorrow he will be more reasonable. It is in his best interest to be cooperative rather than stubborn. Even though he seems to understand much more, he really doesn't have full capacity to be making decisions that have such big consequences. But I cannot force him to do something he isn't willing to do on his own.
As I was contemplating this tonight it gave me new insight into agency. When we choose to just be flat out stubborn and refuse to ask for and receive help from higher realms, aren't we being much like my husband who chose to lay on the cold bathroom floor just because he was being stubborn. It did not get him what he wanted or what was in his best good. It only made him more frustrated and miserable. And it left those of us who care about him very confused as to how to best be of assitance.
How often is that a pattern that is repeated in our lives? We know some behavior or attitude is not in our best interest. We know that by continuing we will probably make others frustrated and not really get us what we really want, yet out of sheer stubborness, we refuse to change or ask for help that is readily available.
I remember years ago hearing that stubbornness and determination are flip sides to the same coin. The difference is that determination works in your favor. It is an awesome quality that we all would do well to develop. On the other hand, stubborness is detrimental to both the individual and to those who care about and are trying to help.
For Jeff, I am giving him the benefit of the doubt and recognizing that his spirit is so strong that it is trying to make a stand. Somehow I need to honor that while still keeping him safe and providing for his needs. He is sleeping soundly now. Tomorrow will be a new day. Perhaps this little phase will have passed and he will once again recognize that it is in his best interest to cooperate and use his fierce determination in a way that will help him continue to heal.
If not, well, we will figure things out as best we can.
I am absolutely determined to make the best of each day and to press forward in my own learning and in loving and honoring my husband.
Chris
Let me explain what I mean by that. Ever since Jeff got sick and lost his eyesight and his ability to move freely, he has been very compliant and sweet natured about letting me help him. He has willingly submitted like a child to anything I asked him to do. Until today.
He woke up this morning and flat out told me he was going to be in a bad mood. All day he was defiant. He refused to drink his energy drink. He refused to take his morning supplements. He refused to eat food he did not like and he refused to let me even take him to the bathroom.
I cannot tell you how frustrating this was for me. I had made plans to go and visit my sisters this afernoon, but Jeff was absolutely insistent on playing a game that would keep me here. It was especially unnerving when he fought me as I was trying to move him from the bed where he had been napping just to his wheelchair. He pushed me away and very forcefully told me "NO!!" I felt like I was dealing with a very stubborn 2 year old.
Tonight as I prepared to begin the evening rituals, he once again refused to allow me to help him. I took him in the bathroom and told him what the rules were. I would take him and put him in bed after he let me help him sit on the toilet. He adamantly refused. This was not a game I was willing to play. So I told him when he was ready to let me know.
To make a very long story short, he ended up scooting out of his wheelchair and laying on the bathroom floor for over an hour. He refused to let me help him get up and I could not do it without his help. My children were both out for the evening, so I had to call them home to help out. Jeff was pretty determined just to sleep on the bathroom floor rather than have us help him. But between the 3 of us, we got him up and into bed.
I'm not sure how I can properly explain my frustration at this turn of events. I tried to just meet him at his level and make it a game with choices and fun. That did not work. I tried listening to his needs. He didn't know what those were except that he knew what he did not want. I could not help him get what he really wanted because neither one of us knew what that was.
I'm sure there are lessons in this for me tonight. I am trying hard to be positive and to set the intention that tomorrow he will be more reasonable. It is in his best interest to be cooperative rather than stubborn. Even though he seems to understand much more, he really doesn't have full capacity to be making decisions that have such big consequences. But I cannot force him to do something he isn't willing to do on his own.
As I was contemplating this tonight it gave me new insight into agency. When we choose to just be flat out stubborn and refuse to ask for and receive help from higher realms, aren't we being much like my husband who chose to lay on the cold bathroom floor just because he was being stubborn. It did not get him what he wanted or what was in his best good. It only made him more frustrated and miserable. And it left those of us who care about him very confused as to how to best be of assitance.
How often is that a pattern that is repeated in our lives? We know some behavior or attitude is not in our best interest. We know that by continuing we will probably make others frustrated and not really get us what we really want, yet out of sheer stubborness, we refuse to change or ask for help that is readily available.
I remember years ago hearing that stubbornness and determination are flip sides to the same coin. The difference is that determination works in your favor. It is an awesome quality that we all would do well to develop. On the other hand, stubborness is detrimental to both the individual and to those who care about and are trying to help.
For Jeff, I am giving him the benefit of the doubt and recognizing that his spirit is so strong that it is trying to make a stand. Somehow I need to honor that while still keeping him safe and providing for his needs. He is sleeping soundly now. Tomorrow will be a new day. Perhaps this little phase will have passed and he will once again recognize that it is in his best interest to cooperate and use his fierce determination in a way that will help him continue to heal.
If not, well, we will figure things out as best we can.
I am absolutely determined to make the best of each day and to press forward in my own learning and in loving and honoring my husband.
Chris
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