Surprised by Joy

I love my life. Does that sound like a strange thing for me to start out a blog with, especially knowing what I have experienced in the last few months? To be honest, it seems strange to me how easy it is for me to write about loving my life. That doesn't mean that I love everything that has happened. It does not mean that I don't miss my husband every day and that I am done grieving. It doesn't even mean that everything in my life is working out exactly how I want it to. What it does mean is that I am full of gratitude and am thankful for every single experience that has added to the discovery of who I am as well as who I am becoming. Charla and I drove to Spokane for the weekend. It has been good for me to be back here because it helps me to see how far I have come in the healing process.

Perhaps one of the reasons I have such feelings of joy and gratitude today is a little experience I had last night. I was ready for an adventure so I invited my nephew to go to the movies with me. As we were going into the theater, I ran into a dear friend of mine, someone I have not seen for almost 2 years. I have changed a lot since the last time we spent any time together, and at first she did not even recognize who I was, but when she did, she threw her arms around me in delight. She told me she often prays for me and was thrilled to see me so alive and so vibrant. I too was thrilled with how this dear friend of mine is doing because she is truly happy and I know that Jeff and I had an impact in her life. We talked and talked and talked right up until the movie I had gone to see was just about to begin. I'm sure my nephew was wondering if I had deserted him so I gave her one last hug and went into the theater. As I sat down, I could feel myself just vibrating with the high energy of gratitude, not just in seeing my friend, but also in catching up I was able to totally acknowledge the hand of the Lord in all things in my life.

Someone at church today asked me how I was doing, and immediately answered for me by making an assumption that I was just barely hanging in there. It caught me off guard a bit, and I answered "No, I am not just hanging on, I am moving forward." As soon as I said it, I knew it was true. and once again I was filled with a sense of joy and more gratitude.

I am a believer in the scripture that says "Men are that they might have joy." I have spent much time lately pondering on how it is possible to live in joy in a world where there is so much sorrow. I have come to the conclusion that joy is not something that can be controlled, forced, or coerced. It can never be found by pretending to be happy. It is not found in things or in instant gratification or pleasure. In fact I am not sure that joy is something that can be found at all. For in the anxious seeking of something so elusive, the desired outcome is missed all together. One of my favorite quote is found in the book "Power Vs Force" by David Hawkins. It states that "peace is the natural state of existance when that which prevents it is removed". I am thinking it is the same with joy. It is our natural state and will be felt when we let go of thoughts and feelings that prevent it's expression. Perhaps that is why it must go hand in hand with deep expressions of gratitude. The feelings of joy and its companion peace seem to sneak up on me unawares when I get out of the way, relax, and quit resisting the idea that my life should somehow be different than it is. I love the title of one of C.S. Lewis's books "Surprised by Joy". I have been delighted to be suprised as I have felt the stirrings of joy come back into my life. It is ok for me to love my life today.

Perhaps tomorrow it may be different, or maybe, just maybe tomorrow will be another delightful surprise.

It makes me look forward to getting up in the morning just to see what's ahead.

How delightful.

Chris

SHARE THE JOURNEY
If you find this blog inspiring, share it with a friend by

clicking on the email envelope below
If you would like to comment on what you read

click on the word comments below
If you would like to receive postings as they appear click on the word

SUBSCRIBE at the bottom of the page and follow the directions
If you would like to email me directly: trueyouchris@gmail.com

Heart Attack

I was taking a nice long jacuzzi last night for no special reason except that I could. Sometimes I use it just as a means to relax and re-focus, other times I use it as a way to drown my sorrows. Last night was just meant to a relaxing time, but my spa time was interrupted by a very loud, persistent knocking on my door.

After finding a towel and quickly getting dressed I went to the door to find no one was there. However they had left their mark in the form of a "heart attack". My front door was covered in red paper hearts with notes of love as well as a treat. It was a delightful reminder that I am cared about.

This morning I woke up determined that I would not let February 14th be a day of sadness for me. Instead I would focus on what it has meant to me to love and to be loved. I got an email from www.myheartfeltblessings.com that I loved. There was a quote that made me ponder about the experiences of the last few months. "What is most remarkable is not that love is such a powerful force for good in our lives, but that so few of us are aware of how completely we are changed when we put loving others first"

Just reading it made me aware of how completely changed I became in learning how to love and serve in a way that was totally selfless. I have loved Jeff since I was 16 years old. But for many years that love was not really healthy. I was so emotionally dependant on him that I lost the essence of who I was. I believed in a romantic love that was based more on a Cinderella fairytale rather than on the reality of challenges in relationships.

I was determined to keep my husband on a pedestal and refused to acknowledge any weaknesses in him. As a result it was hard for him to be honest with me. It was also hard for me to be emotionally honest with him. We spent many years locked in cycles of frustration and confusion about what true love really means.

But we were determined to work on our relationship. Eventually we learned how to be conscious in our marriage and to communicate in healthier ways and the way I looked at love began to change as well.

When Jeff began to get sick, it was so easy for me to completely dedicate my life to serving him because of the type of love we had developed. Putting him first absolutely changed my life in some beautiful ways. How grateful I was to read that little quote this morning and remind me that even though he isn't here to help me celebrate the day the world has dedicateded to love, I can still celebrate love.

Well, it was a good sentiment and I tried. But honestly I will be really glad to have Valentine's Day over with. I loved having a "heart attack" yesterday. Perhaps next year my heart will be in better shape to give love back to others. For now, I will just try to appreciate how much loving someone completely helped me grow as a person.

Thanks Jeff. I still love you.

Chris

SHARE THE JOURNEY

If you find this blog inspiring, you can share it with a friend

by clicking on the email envelope below
If you would like to comment on what you read,

click on the word comment below

If you would like to receive postings as they appear

click on the word SUBSCRIBE at the bottom of the page

and follow the directions
If you would like to email me directly: trueyouchris@gmail.com

Moving Forward-Bumps Ahead

The last couple of weeks have been a bit of a blur for me. I made a rather quick decision to attend an Easy Tai Chi syposium in Georgia. It was awesome. I was able to spend some time with both of my sons in Florida, went to the cemetery where Emily is buried, spent a lot of time walking and crying on the beach, met wonderful new friends that were true kindred sprits, had a meeting with a new business contact for the medical supply business, and became certified to teach what is called 4 minute fitness. (www.easytaichi.com)

I am very excited about teaching something that has had such a profound effect in my life. In May, I was introduced to this amazing form of mind/body/spirit exercise by a woman who just looked very physically fit. When she was asked what kind of workout she did, she told us about Easy Tai Chi and showed us the 4 minute Fitness routine. I was totally impressed and knew that it was something I could commit to learning and doing. I ordered the DVD and loved how easy but effective it was. I loved the way it made me feel, so I started sharing it with others.

A month or so ago, I began leading some of the women at church in an informal tai chi class. The results have been very rewarding, even if I really didn't have much knowledge. After last weekend, I feel very confident that I can lead a class very effecively as well as present the information about 4 minute fitness to very large groups in a seminar situation that can be really awesome for business, schools, and communities. People who hire me to teach will be seen as heroes in their organizations. I like that idea.

I am also scheduling 2 abundance seminars, one in Boise Feb 23 and 24th and one in Spokane March 2nd and 3rd. I am loving my life and am excited about feeling like it is ok for me to move forward.

There is still grief. There are still situations that I call the "knives in the heart", like getting off the plane in Tampa and being bombarded by the memories of the last time I was in that airport with Jeff right after we buried Emily. Just walking on the beach at Jekyll Island was excruciating for me because Jeff loved the beach so much. He would have lived there if he could have. That was always where he went to find serenity and peace. I walked for hours, crying as well as doing quite a bit of yelling. It was very therapuetic.

At church today we had a lesson called Tragedy or Destiny. It was mostly about death and how to view it. I was a bit surprised at my feeling and responses. It was not a sad lesson for me. Nor was it difficult to hear about other people's experiences with death. Mostly I just felt great compassion for myself as well as others. The only comment I made was that one of the things I hold on to is knowing that there will come a time when the depth of sorrow I feel now will be compensated 10 fold with a degree of joy that is almost in comprehensible to me right now. But I choose not to wait until some future time to experience joy. I believe it is available to me in any given moment if I choose to open my heart and allow it in. To me joy comes from knowledge and understanding. It also comes in other ways that helps remind me of the existence of Supreme love and a plan for my eternal happiness. I love sharing that joy with others.

It does not take away the reality of loss, but death loses its sting when I choose to believe in Christ's victory over it. This kind of faith works very well for me. It has given me strength. It has comforted me. It has given me a very different perspective on issues of life and death.
Mostly it has helped me feel deep and profound gratitude for my Savior. My greatest desire in life is to be a window to his love so that others might come to know Him and feel the peace and healing that is available to all who desire, ask, believe, allow, and receive.

It is good to feel good about moving forward. I will still be loving and gentle with my body and my spirit. Shortly before Jeff died I went to my sister's house for a brief respite. I had to chuckle at a sign on the road announcing "bumps ahead". How appropriate it was for that time in my life. I think it might be good for me to just keep remembering that yes, there will probably be many "bumps ahead". But I can still keep moving forward.

Life is good.



SHARE THE JOURNEY

If you find this blog inspiring, share it with a friend

click on the email envelope belowIf you would like to comment on what you read

click on the word comment at the bottom of the page

If you would like to receive postings as they appear

click on the word SUBSCRIBE and follow the directions

If you would like to email me directly: trueyouchris@gmail.com