Yesterday I wrote a little bit about our night time routine. Our morning routine is a bit more unique. It is very different from what our morning rituals have been in the past. Jeff usually sleeps until about 10:00. Sometimes he wakes up a little earlier just to go to the bathroom, but then he wants to go back to sleep.
Waking up is usually a very disorienting time for him and it takes him awhile to even figure out where he is. Usually I go through a series of questions with him.
"Do you know where you are?" Sometimes he knows the answer immediately, but most times he has to really think about it.
"Do you know who I am?" This one he always knows the answer to. But I always ask. If ever he didn't know who I was, I would get very concerned, but so far, it hasn't been a problem.
I then ask him about our children, who they are and where they are. Again, he usually has to really think about it, but most often comes up with the right answers.
Then I ask him if he knows what is going on with him. Usually I can tell what kind of a day it is going to be by how he answers this question. Sometimes he answers an infection, but if he says "Lesions on my brain" then I know that his processing is functioning higher.
After I get him up, I take him to the kitchen with me where he waits while I fix breakfast. It is very important to him that I talk to him while I am in the kitchen because I tend to make a lot of noise which is really disconcerting to him unless I tell him up front what I am doing.
After breakfast, we do our daily energy routine and an energy circle. This has proven to be profoundly helpful in getting him prepared for the day. I will write more about it later on and give some links for more information.
By the time we are finished with this part, he is usually ready to sit in his lift chair and take it easy for a bit. If I have given him a shower, he is ready for a nap.
It doesn't bother me that he sleeps so much. I know that his body is doing all it can to rebuild his immune system. I am so grateful that there is nothing else his body is fighting right now so all it's energy can go towards building and strengthening.
The rest of the day is pretty much spent going back and forth between his chair, the kitchen for meals and the bathroom. It is a very different life from what he had before. But he has been very content and peaceful lately.
He likes it when people come to visit him. Today he had a friend from Spokane stop in to see him. When we went through the best things that happened today, he said it was having his friend come. I think he gets a bit bored with me.
Today was a really good day. His processing was much better than it has been for a long time, so this evening I put on The Art of Manifesting CD by Carol Tuttle. He enjoyed it very much. Tomorrow I will write a little bit about what that means to us and how we apply the things we have learned from what we have studied to our health. It is profound.
Our lives are very simple. But yet, we don't mind. It is a time for healing. There will come a time for more noise and more busyness, but for now we really love our little sanctuary. We invite anyone who is in the Boise area to stop and see us. We are always here. Afternoons are a bit better than mornings just becuase he is more awake. Evenings are good too.
People who stop and visit us find it to be a very pleasant experience, at least that is what I am told. I think everyone needs an opportunity to find sanctuary. You are welcome to join us in ours.
Chris
Tuesday, October 31, 2006
Monday, October 30, 2006
Good NIght Jeff
I really enjoy putting my husband to bed. It is just such a delightful event at the end of every day. Our routine is very similar to what we established when our children were young. It is very important to Jeff that we do have a routine, so between 9:30 and 10:00 we start the rituals.
I take him to the bathroom, wash his hands, brush and floss his teeth, and give him his night time meds. Then we go to the bedroom where with my help he stands up from his wheelchair, pivots and then sits down on the bed. One of the most important part of our evening rituals is between pivoting and sitting down. It is the nightly hug. We do the pivot dance all day long, but at nightime, we hold that position for an extra long time and whisper I love you's.
Then he sits down and has to put his trust in me as I take his left arm and hold it in mine so that he falls sidewards. Jeff does not like this part because for a moment he feels like he is free falling. Even though he is on a soft bed, to his senses, it does not feel safe and he resists it. Those times when he just falls backwards, it is much more difficult to put him in the correct vertical position.
When he is finally on the bed, I usually either sit with him or lay down next to him and we review the day. Each night I ask him what the best part of the day was. His answer is almost always the same. "Just being with you" We also discuss some of the hard things that happened during the day. His answer to that is usually something like "Everything is hard" but he is learning to adapt very well. Then we make a list of the things we are grateful for.
On his list tongight were:
1. Chris (of course)
2. His children
3. His lift chair that gives him a comfortable place to sit during the day
4. The house that keeps us warm
5. His wheelchair
We use those things then to formulate our nightly gratitude prayer. It is such a sweet experience to listen to the gratitude coming from such a pure heart. We also include gratitude for giving us strength for those things that have been hard and ask for the things that we desire, which includes a restoration of his health as well as to be instruments in the Lord's hands. Often in our prayers we will include a petition to help strengthen our belief and our faith. But mostly our prayers are just full of thanksgiving.
Sometimes Jeff goes right to sleep, other times like tonight he has a bit harder time and I can hear him in the room having conversations with himself. A few minutes ago I could hear him moaning a bit and went in and asked him if he needed something. "No," he told me. "I am just trying to go to sleep". I think he is just missing me a bit and not wanting to go to sleep until I turn in as well.
Which sounds like a good plan to me. Tomorrow will be another day.
Chris
I take him to the bathroom, wash his hands, brush and floss his teeth, and give him his night time meds. Then we go to the bedroom where with my help he stands up from his wheelchair, pivots and then sits down on the bed. One of the most important part of our evening rituals is between pivoting and sitting down. It is the nightly hug. We do the pivot dance all day long, but at nightime, we hold that position for an extra long time and whisper I love you's.
Then he sits down and has to put his trust in me as I take his left arm and hold it in mine so that he falls sidewards. Jeff does not like this part because for a moment he feels like he is free falling. Even though he is on a soft bed, to his senses, it does not feel safe and he resists it. Those times when he just falls backwards, it is much more difficult to put him in the correct vertical position.
When he is finally on the bed, I usually either sit with him or lay down next to him and we review the day. Each night I ask him what the best part of the day was. His answer is almost always the same. "Just being with you" We also discuss some of the hard things that happened during the day. His answer to that is usually something like "Everything is hard" but he is learning to adapt very well. Then we make a list of the things we are grateful for.
On his list tongight were:
1. Chris (of course)
2. His children
3. His lift chair that gives him a comfortable place to sit during the day
4. The house that keeps us warm
5. His wheelchair
We use those things then to formulate our nightly gratitude prayer. It is such a sweet experience to listen to the gratitude coming from such a pure heart. We also include gratitude for giving us strength for those things that have been hard and ask for the things that we desire, which includes a restoration of his health as well as to be instruments in the Lord's hands. Often in our prayers we will include a petition to help strengthen our belief and our faith. But mostly our prayers are just full of thanksgiving.
Sometimes Jeff goes right to sleep, other times like tonight he has a bit harder time and I can hear him in the room having conversations with himself. A few minutes ago I could hear him moaning a bit and went in and asked him if he needed something. "No," he told me. "I am just trying to go to sleep". I think he is just missing me a bit and not wanting to go to sleep until I turn in as well.
Which sounds like a good plan to me. Tomorrow will be another day.
Chris
Sunday, October 29, 2006
"You're Trying My Patience"
We have had a bit of a battle of wills going on lately. Jeff has developed a great aversion to “green things” or anything that even smacks of being healthy. As you can imagine this causes me a bit of distress because I know very well that getting the proper nutrition in him is absolutely paramount if we are going to strengthen his immune system so that he can fight this disease.
It seems that often when we sit down to a meal he reverts to being about 7 years old. There is definitely no arguing with this 7 year old. Last night I gave Jeff choices about what he would like for dinner. He chose salmon. So I fixed what before was a meal he liked very much and added asparagus and mashed potatoes. Oh my, I was not prepared for the battle that ensued. He pretty much refused to eat the asparagus telling us how yucky it is and offering what was on his plate to his children.
Sometimes it is rather comical because in his determination not to eat his vegetables, he tries all sorts of very childish manipulations. But since I am the one feeding him at this point, I try my own sneaky little ways of getting good stuff down him. Last night he took the asparagus back out of his mouth, handed it to me and matter of factly announced that I was trying his patience.
This is a perplexing problem to me because I am just not accustomed to arguing with Jeff about food. For the last several years he has been very pro-active in trying to eat extremely healthy and has very much appreciated my efforts in preparing nutritious whole food meals.
I am not sure whether or not it is his inner brat coming out and taking a stand, or if perhaps his taste buds really have changed. He has talked about having a strange taste in his mouth. He also really does not have much of an appetite, although he usually eats everything I fix for him….until now. At this point, it does absolutely no good to try and reason with him.
Last night when we went to bed, he was still angry at me for trying to push asparagus on him. I promised I would not do that again. He is not refusing water any more, which is a good thing. But man does not live on water alone. For now I guess I will just not take offense if he thinks I am trying his patience.
To be honest, my patience has been a bit tried lately too.
Oh well, such is our life. It’s a hoot sometimes.
It seems that often when we sit down to a meal he reverts to being about 7 years old. There is definitely no arguing with this 7 year old. Last night I gave Jeff choices about what he would like for dinner. He chose salmon. So I fixed what before was a meal he liked very much and added asparagus and mashed potatoes. Oh my, I was not prepared for the battle that ensued. He pretty much refused to eat the asparagus telling us how yucky it is and offering what was on his plate to his children.
Sometimes it is rather comical because in his determination not to eat his vegetables, he tries all sorts of very childish manipulations. But since I am the one feeding him at this point, I try my own sneaky little ways of getting good stuff down him. Last night he took the asparagus back out of his mouth, handed it to me and matter of factly announced that I was trying his patience.
This is a perplexing problem to me because I am just not accustomed to arguing with Jeff about food. For the last several years he has been very pro-active in trying to eat extremely healthy and has very much appreciated my efforts in preparing nutritious whole food meals.
I am not sure whether or not it is his inner brat coming out and taking a stand, or if perhaps his taste buds really have changed. He has talked about having a strange taste in his mouth. He also really does not have much of an appetite, although he usually eats everything I fix for him….until now. At this point, it does absolutely no good to try and reason with him.
Last night when we went to bed, he was still angry at me for trying to push asparagus on him. I promised I would not do that again. He is not refusing water any more, which is a good thing. But man does not live on water alone. For now I guess I will just not take offense if he thinks I am trying his patience.
To be honest, my patience has been a bit tried lately too.
Oh well, such is our life. It’s a hoot sometimes.
Saturday, October 28, 2006
The Truth Will Set You Free
(Warning: This Post May Be Longer than the others)
Lately I have been thinking about the strength of denial and how truth sets us free. I have decided it is time to be very upfront on this blog and write about the exact nature of what Jeff and I are dealing with. Many of you already know the full circumstances. Others may have guessed. Still others might be clueless as to how someone could end up with a serious brain infection that can have such drastic effect on a person that appears to be relatively healthy.
The disease is called progressive multifocal leukoencephalopathy, PML for short. It is one of the opportunistic infections that can invade a body with a compromised immune system, in Jeff's case it is specific to HIV.
He and I were both diagnosed as being HIV+ 8 years ago. Needless to say, it was a very difficult time for our family. We had 4 teenage children at the time and their lives were turned upside down at the news that both their parents had very advanced AIDS. In fact when we went in for our first doctor's appt, the attending nurse said she didn't know how either one of could still be alive.
We never even questioned at that time whether or not to go on the drugs the doctors prescribed. In fact, we volunteered to be a part of a research project and take new drugs that were in the developmental process.
There is no need to go into detail at this point except that we were told the main side effect of the drugs might be fatigue. When it came down to it, fatigue meant that I did not have the energy to lift my arm off the bed. Jeff handled the new drug regiment better than I did. Although a few days after we started taking the drugs, he received a phone call from his dermatolagist telling him that the labs had come back from a mole that had been removed a couple of weeks before. The results were that he had malignant melanoma in addition to the other diagnosis.
To say that was a stressful time for us is quite the understatement because within a few months, we also ended up filing for bankruptcy and losing our dream house as well. Jeff went through surgury to remove the melanoma and was pronounced clean. He recovered well and went back to work. I, on the other hand pretty much lost that entire next year of my life. The effects of the drugs were so harsh on me that I basically could not function.
It wasn't until each of us indepantly cut our drugs in half that I started to find any relief. After 4 years, we made a very conscious decision to quit the drugs completely and just become very pro-active with nutrition and emotional healing. For the first time in years I started to feel healthy again. Jeff too did extremely well. After about 6 months we had our blood tested again and it showed there was no sign of progression of any disease. We were thrilled. As far as we were concerned HIV was no longer an issue in our lives.
Then in July or 2004 our 21 year old daughter Emily passed away suddenly due to a prescription drug interaction. It set us up for an emotional roller coaster unlike anything else we had faced yet. I grieved in the only way I knew how. I felt all my emotions to the extent I needed to, I expressed those emotions in an appropriate way, and then I let them go. Jeff on the other hand worked. He worked hard and his immune system started to shut down little by little.
His father passed away just a year later at the same time he began work at a new job. Once again Jeff just worked hard. Anything to numb the pain of his losses. There were also other emotional issues that worked their way to the surface of his body. But he would not listen to his body or the messages it was sending him. Eventually those messages were to loud to ignore any longer and he ended up in the hospital with ulcers that were eating away his esophagus. It was still hard for us to admit the truth, that this was somehow related to HIV. We never deliberately tried to deceive people, but in in our minds that was in the past and did not have any bearing on his current health status.
It's funny looking back on it now, because of course we knew it might be related to the HIV, but oh, we didn't want to believe it. We wanted to believe that we had beaten it once and for all despite that fact that the medical world says that this disease is incurable. We have a belief that means it is curable from within.
We do not know what the future holds. We only know that much about this disease has to do with an emotional component. Jeff is back on a new regiment of HIV drugs. We do not want to be foolish. Nor do we want to just assume that the medical profession knows all there is to know.
We do see miracles every day. The fact that this has only strengthened our marriage rather than destroyed it is a miracle. We still expect more miracles in our lives. A few years ago, PML was a sure death sentance. Today, we are full of hope.
Each day of our lives is an opportunity to create joy. We try our best.
I will probably post more about this later on. But for now, I felt it was important for this blog for the readers to understand the truth. Because the truth truly does set us free.
Lately I have been thinking about the strength of denial and how truth sets us free. I have decided it is time to be very upfront on this blog and write about the exact nature of what Jeff and I are dealing with. Many of you already know the full circumstances. Others may have guessed. Still others might be clueless as to how someone could end up with a serious brain infection that can have such drastic effect on a person that appears to be relatively healthy.
The disease is called progressive multifocal leukoencephalopathy, PML for short. It is one of the opportunistic infections that can invade a body with a compromised immune system, in Jeff's case it is specific to HIV.
He and I were both diagnosed as being HIV+ 8 years ago. Needless to say, it was a very difficult time for our family. We had 4 teenage children at the time and their lives were turned upside down at the news that both their parents had very advanced AIDS. In fact when we went in for our first doctor's appt, the attending nurse said she didn't know how either one of could still be alive.
We never even questioned at that time whether or not to go on the drugs the doctors prescribed. In fact, we volunteered to be a part of a research project and take new drugs that were in the developmental process.
There is no need to go into detail at this point except that we were told the main side effect of the drugs might be fatigue. When it came down to it, fatigue meant that I did not have the energy to lift my arm off the bed. Jeff handled the new drug regiment better than I did. Although a few days after we started taking the drugs, he received a phone call from his dermatolagist telling him that the labs had come back from a mole that had been removed a couple of weeks before. The results were that he had malignant melanoma in addition to the other diagnosis.
To say that was a stressful time for us is quite the understatement because within a few months, we also ended up filing for bankruptcy and losing our dream house as well. Jeff went through surgury to remove the melanoma and was pronounced clean. He recovered well and went back to work. I, on the other hand pretty much lost that entire next year of my life. The effects of the drugs were so harsh on me that I basically could not function.
It wasn't until each of us indepantly cut our drugs in half that I started to find any relief. After 4 years, we made a very conscious decision to quit the drugs completely and just become very pro-active with nutrition and emotional healing. For the first time in years I started to feel healthy again. Jeff too did extremely well. After about 6 months we had our blood tested again and it showed there was no sign of progression of any disease. We were thrilled. As far as we were concerned HIV was no longer an issue in our lives.
Then in July or 2004 our 21 year old daughter Emily passed away suddenly due to a prescription drug interaction. It set us up for an emotional roller coaster unlike anything else we had faced yet. I grieved in the only way I knew how. I felt all my emotions to the extent I needed to, I expressed those emotions in an appropriate way, and then I let them go. Jeff on the other hand worked. He worked hard and his immune system started to shut down little by little.
His father passed away just a year later at the same time he began work at a new job. Once again Jeff just worked hard. Anything to numb the pain of his losses. There were also other emotional issues that worked their way to the surface of his body. But he would not listen to his body or the messages it was sending him. Eventually those messages were to loud to ignore any longer and he ended up in the hospital with ulcers that were eating away his esophagus. It was still hard for us to admit the truth, that this was somehow related to HIV. We never deliberately tried to deceive people, but in in our minds that was in the past and did not have any bearing on his current health status.
It's funny looking back on it now, because of course we knew it might be related to the HIV, but oh, we didn't want to believe it. We wanted to believe that we had beaten it once and for all despite that fact that the medical world says that this disease is incurable. We have a belief that means it is curable from within.
We do not know what the future holds. We only know that much about this disease has to do with an emotional component. Jeff is back on a new regiment of HIV drugs. We do not want to be foolish. Nor do we want to just assume that the medical profession knows all there is to know.
We do see miracles every day. The fact that this has only strengthened our marriage rather than destroyed it is a miracle. We still expect more miracles in our lives. A few years ago, PML was a sure death sentance. Today, we are full of hope.
Each day of our lives is an opportunity to create joy. We try our best.
I will probably post more about this later on. But for now, I felt it was important for this blog for the readers to understand the truth. Because the truth truly does set us free.
Thursday, October 26, 2006
What do Doctors Know?
A couple of days ago I reported on the timeframe the doctor gave me to begin looking for any signs of improvement. I took the 6 month thing all in stride. But what do doctor's know. Today was an amazing day, the best we have had in a long time as far as Jeff's processing goes.
It's funny that I would say amazing because it didn't start out so hot with Jeff. With my children here I took advantage of him sleeping in late to run some errands. As usual, they took longer than I expected. When I got home, my husband was mad! I was delighted to see it. Not that I enjoy making him angry, but that he felt the emotion. He has had such a sweet demeanor for such a long time, it was a bit unusual for him show another emotion.
But there is energy in anger. It is an indicator that something is not quite right in our little part of the universe and something we need to pay attention to. So to me this shows that this part of Jeff's brain is functioning quite normally. He didn't scream or yell or anything like that...but he felt the emotion in a very appropriate way.
The rest of the day he was very wide awake and alert. Two of my nieces came over to visit and Jeff held 3 month old Remington. It was a delightful visit. I can't tell what tomorrow will bring, but when I put Jeff to bed tonight he said it was a very good day. When I asked him what was good about it, he didn't remember being ticked off at me this morning, he just said "having the kids here"
I had another brief thought about love tonight as I was helping him brush his teeth. You know you have the real thing when you let your wife floss your teeth. I consider it such an honor. I also know that it takes a whole lot of trust. When we were talking about it the other night, he nodded his head and tried to say "I do trust you." But in so doing, he almost bit my finger. We both laughed about that. But it is these little intimiate things that connect us in such an unusual way right now.
So here is the question I pose tonight. Is there someone in your life you would trust to floss your teeth? If not, what would it take to create that kind of connection. It is possible, but you have to be willing to believe it is.
It's funny that I would say amazing because it didn't start out so hot with Jeff. With my children here I took advantage of him sleeping in late to run some errands. As usual, they took longer than I expected. When I got home, my husband was mad! I was delighted to see it. Not that I enjoy making him angry, but that he felt the emotion. He has had such a sweet demeanor for such a long time, it was a bit unusual for him show another emotion.
But there is energy in anger. It is an indicator that something is not quite right in our little part of the universe and something we need to pay attention to. So to me this shows that this part of Jeff's brain is functioning quite normally. He didn't scream or yell or anything like that...but he felt the emotion in a very appropriate way.
The rest of the day he was very wide awake and alert. Two of my nieces came over to visit and Jeff held 3 month old Remington. It was a delightful visit. I can't tell what tomorrow will bring, but when I put Jeff to bed tonight he said it was a very good day. When I asked him what was good about it, he didn't remember being ticked off at me this morning, he just said "having the kids here"
I had another brief thought about love tonight as I was helping him brush his teeth. You know you have the real thing when you let your wife floss your teeth. I consider it such an honor. I also know that it takes a whole lot of trust. When we were talking about it the other night, he nodded his head and tried to say "I do trust you." But in so doing, he almost bit my finger. We both laughed about that. But it is these little intimiate things that connect us in such an unusual way right now.
So here is the question I pose tonight. Is there someone in your life you would trust to floss your teeth? If not, what would it take to create that kind of connection. It is possible, but you have to be willing to believe it is.
Wednesday, October 25, 2006
A Simple Life
You know how there are days when no matter how much you just want to kick back and relax, it just ain't gonna happen. That was today. Last night my daughter got here with the Uhaul and the "rest" of our stuff.
You know what, for the most part it is just that...stuff. But somehow we have claim to it and need to be responsible to do something with it. So we began. Moving is always such a chore anyway. Doing it in peacemeal like we have makes it even worse. Things have been set up here at the house in Boise for a couple of months now. There has been very little clutter. There has been a place for everything, and for the most part I really have kept things in their place. It has been a simple quiet life. Every once in awhile I would wonder where something was, but I didn't really miss anything except the hangers that were coming.
And now here I am inundated by our "stuff". To be honest, I find it rather disquieting as does Jeff. It was very confusing to him today to have the door open and close and hear noises he did not understand. We appreciated the help that was given by the men in our new ward, but it was agitating to Jeff. I think he picked up on my stress too. He usually does. But I think more than that he picks up on the chaos our once very simple house has been dumped with. Even though he cannot see well, the energy here has changed and he can feel it.
Tomorrow I will start to wade through things that are now scattered hodgepodge throughout every room of the house and once again make that somewhat crucial decision as to whether this article of clothing or that memorabelia has value enough to keep. We have moved several times in our marriage, each time I do my best to de-junk as much as possible. So it just boggles my mind how we can still have so many things that seem so useless and frivolous, especially considering what we are facing now.
Jeff is very content to rotate 3 pair of black fleece pajama pants. He has just a few shirts that are easy to put on and off and are in his energy (Another post for another time) Most of the things that he used to use on occasion have absolutely no purpose in his life for the time being. It has given me some different perspective. Mostly the conviction of the need to keep things simple. It just feels better and it is better for Jeff.
I'm also thinking that a simple life is much more conducive for healing. And like Jeff keeps telling me, it is time for all of us to heal. And I might heal the house again by really de-junking all the stuff I just paid big bucks to have brought to me.
Maybe I will write later about the process. The miracle for today is just in truly recognizing how important the KISS principle is in my life. (Keep It Simple Sister) I am looking forward to another miracle tomorrow in taking it all in stride and letting it be easy.
You know what, for the most part it is just that...stuff. But somehow we have claim to it and need to be responsible to do something with it. So we began. Moving is always such a chore anyway. Doing it in peacemeal like we have makes it even worse. Things have been set up here at the house in Boise for a couple of months now. There has been very little clutter. There has been a place for everything, and for the most part I really have kept things in their place. It has been a simple quiet life. Every once in awhile I would wonder where something was, but I didn't really miss anything except the hangers that were coming.
And now here I am inundated by our "stuff". To be honest, I find it rather disquieting as does Jeff. It was very confusing to him today to have the door open and close and hear noises he did not understand. We appreciated the help that was given by the men in our new ward, but it was agitating to Jeff. I think he picked up on my stress too. He usually does. But I think more than that he picks up on the chaos our once very simple house has been dumped with. Even though he cannot see well, the energy here has changed and he can feel it.
Tomorrow I will start to wade through things that are now scattered hodgepodge throughout every room of the house and once again make that somewhat crucial decision as to whether this article of clothing or that memorabelia has value enough to keep. We have moved several times in our marriage, each time I do my best to de-junk as much as possible. So it just boggles my mind how we can still have so many things that seem so useless and frivolous, especially considering what we are facing now.
Jeff is very content to rotate 3 pair of black fleece pajama pants. He has just a few shirts that are easy to put on and off and are in his energy (Another post for another time) Most of the things that he used to use on occasion have absolutely no purpose in his life for the time being. It has given me some different perspective. Mostly the conviction of the need to keep things simple. It just feels better and it is better for Jeff.
I'm also thinking that a simple life is much more conducive for healing. And like Jeff keeps telling me, it is time for all of us to heal. And I might heal the house again by really de-junking all the stuff I just paid big bucks to have brought to me.
Maybe I will write later about the process. The miracle for today is just in truly recognizing how important the KISS principle is in my life. (Keep It Simple Sister) I am looking forward to another miracle tomorrow in taking it all in stride and letting it be easy.
Tuesday, October 24, 2006
Wristwatches and Cosmic Clocks
Today I took Jeff to the doctor. It was the first time I have really had a chance to ask the questions I needed to ask. First of all the good news is that apparantly the meds that we have him on are starting to build back his immune system somewhat. It was important for us to know that the regiment he is on is actually working. So that was encouraging.
Then I asked the Doctor what to expect as far as his healing goes. I know what to watch for as far as further deterioration, but I wanted some specific signs that things are starting to shift for the good. His answer took me back a bit. He said we might start seeing some improvement 6 to 9 months from now. That was not the answer I had been expecting. I guess I just don't know that much about the brain and how it works with the body. Aparantly healing all the little neurons etc...in the brain is a verrrrrry sloooowwww process.
In my very upbeat positive attitude I had assumed that we would wake up one day very soon and his vision would be back and we could start working on strengthening his leg and arm. Afterall, I have had infections that cleared up in 2 weeks, why should this be any different? Well obviously it is and I needed to shift some of my paradigms.
I was reminded of a quote I heard several years ago by Neal A Maxwell. "Funny how we who wear wristwatches think that we can counsel the creator of cosmic clocks and calendars on matters of time" Obviously it is time to allow a slower course in miracles.
When I asked Jeff if he understood what the doctor had said, he wasn't sure. So I very clearly and distinctly helped him understand that when I tell him it might be awhile before he will start to see again, it might be several months. He listened intently and then just said quietly "ok, it is time to heal, but it will take awhile" I think he understands far more about things than I sometimes give him credit for.
There are still days that he wonders if he is dying and if it is time to go home. When he asks these types of questions I do not dismiss them or tell him to not think that way. Usually I just have him check with God and see what His answer is. Always the answer is "not yet". A few days ago when he told me that, he paused and then added "but maybe tomorrow." then he flashed me that crooked grin of his that let me know he was teasing me.
Each day brings new gifts to us. This day brought us the gift of our daughter Charla. Our son Jason was supposed to be here tonight as well, but he was on a delayed flight and ended up spending the night in Salt Lake. Oh well, that just gives us something to look forward to tomorrow. After all according to cosmic clocks, one more night is just a blink. Six or nine months can be a blink too.
For now I will just be grateful for each new day and will just keep on blinking.
Then I asked the Doctor what to expect as far as his healing goes. I know what to watch for as far as further deterioration, but I wanted some specific signs that things are starting to shift for the good. His answer took me back a bit. He said we might start seeing some improvement 6 to 9 months from now. That was not the answer I had been expecting. I guess I just don't know that much about the brain and how it works with the body. Aparantly healing all the little neurons etc...in the brain is a verrrrrry sloooowwww process.
In my very upbeat positive attitude I had assumed that we would wake up one day very soon and his vision would be back and we could start working on strengthening his leg and arm. Afterall, I have had infections that cleared up in 2 weeks, why should this be any different? Well obviously it is and I needed to shift some of my paradigms.
I was reminded of a quote I heard several years ago by Neal A Maxwell. "Funny how we who wear wristwatches think that we can counsel the creator of cosmic clocks and calendars on matters of time" Obviously it is time to allow a slower course in miracles.
When I asked Jeff if he understood what the doctor had said, he wasn't sure. So I very clearly and distinctly helped him understand that when I tell him it might be awhile before he will start to see again, it might be several months. He listened intently and then just said quietly "ok, it is time to heal, but it will take awhile" I think he understands far more about things than I sometimes give him credit for.
There are still days that he wonders if he is dying and if it is time to go home. When he asks these types of questions I do not dismiss them or tell him to not think that way. Usually I just have him check with God and see what His answer is. Always the answer is "not yet". A few days ago when he told me that, he paused and then added "but maybe tomorrow." then he flashed me that crooked grin of his that let me know he was teasing me.
Each day brings new gifts to us. This day brought us the gift of our daughter Charla. Our son Jason was supposed to be here tonight as well, but he was on a delayed flight and ended up spending the night in Salt Lake. Oh well, that just gives us something to look forward to tomorrow. After all according to cosmic clocks, one more night is just a blink. Six or nine months can be a blink too.
For now I will just be grateful for each new day and will just keep on blinking.
Monday, October 23, 2006
Believing in the Real God
We got a letter in the mail today from someone who had read the earlier blog entitled "Won't He Help?" It occurred to me that someone reading this who does not know Jeff well would get the impression that he does not have faith in Christ. So we discussed it and decided that we needed to do a follow up on that post.
When Jeff would cry out in his sleep asking where God is, or what he had done wrong. It was not the adult Jeff who was asking the question. Mostly it was coming from a very hurt little boy inside wondering what he had done wrong and why someone wasn't protecting him.
Today I read Jeff an excerpt from a book that has literally changed my life. "Remembering Wholeness" by Carol Tuttle. It is a book I would highly recommend to any person who is seeking healing. In it she has a chapter entitled, Do You Believe in the Real God?" Basically what she teaches is that for most people their perception about who God is has been influenced by generational beliefs, childhood experiences with adults, religious teachings as well as other things. For many adults, their perspective of who God is to them is a byproduct of their inner child's experience with men, especially the men that had a big influence in their lives.
"A common perception is for humans to believe that God is dogmatic, authoritarian, insensitive, and controlling."
She then tells a story of leading a woman through a visualization where she invites Christ to journey with the little girl self to find the place where the real God is.
"They came to a place where a very large and ominous being stood unapprochable and frightening. Little Maggie was afraid of this god. She was told to have little Maggie ask this big, scary god if he is the real god. She was reassured that he could not lie because Christ was there and would know if it was a lie. The big, scary god put is head down in shame and said, no...then the big, scary god pointed to a curtain behind him. Adult Maggie asked Christ to open the curtain. Behind Maggie's curtain, controlling the big, scary god was her dad. He walked out from behind the curtain a very scared and wounded man."
Both Big Maggie and Little Maggie understood that Dad's anger and control were a facade to protect his own wounded inner-child. He was escorted out to his own place of healing.
The fake god was then removed and they turned to Christ because he wanted to introduce them to someone special. There were 2 great lights coming from the distance. As the two wonderful personages drew closer, Maggie was told to notice how warm, safe, and comfortable she felt, and to let herself feel something she hadn't felt for a very long time, a warming of her soul.
"As the beings came to her, she began to recognize their energy. Ther were her Father and Mother in Heaven. They both gave her a hug and she felt grateful they had shown up as she welcomed them back into her life."
The adult Jeff knows the love of the Savior in his life. He knows the love of His Heavenly Parents. But the part of his mind that is playing a dominant role in his life right now is that of a 12 year old who is still very confused. I read this to him today to try and teach his younger self what his adult self already knows about the true nature of God, which is evident in the interview I had with him last night.
His younger self is trying hard to comprehend, but it seems there are layers and layers of old misbeliefs to get through. Jeff's healing is not just about his body overcoming disease, it is about healing his mind, and the beliefs that he has held about himself that are just not true. It is a journey he has been going through for a very long time. Many miracles have already taken place in his life as a result of him accepting the atoning power of Christ to help him heal.
But now it appears that it is time to go to the deeper parts, those parts he has kept hidden from himself for a long time. There is no judgement in this. We all have demons from our past that we try to keep at bay. But understanding who the real god is and inviting the cleansing power of Jesus Christ to continue to help us heal is a journey that only has the potential for joy.
I invite anyone who reads this post to accept an invitation to believe in the Real God. A God who loves you unconditionally, who only wants to help you experience all the joy that this world he created has to offer. In essence he want sto be your creation coach and stands by with all the powers of heaven to help. You just have to know what you want, be willing to ask, believe that it is possible, receive and recognize the help as it comes, and live your life in gratitude.
When Jeff would cry out in his sleep asking where God is, or what he had done wrong. It was not the adult Jeff who was asking the question. Mostly it was coming from a very hurt little boy inside wondering what he had done wrong and why someone wasn't protecting him.
Today I read Jeff an excerpt from a book that has literally changed my life. "Remembering Wholeness" by Carol Tuttle. It is a book I would highly recommend to any person who is seeking healing. In it she has a chapter entitled, Do You Believe in the Real God?" Basically what she teaches is that for most people their perception about who God is has been influenced by generational beliefs, childhood experiences with adults, religious teachings as well as other things. For many adults, their perspective of who God is to them is a byproduct of their inner child's experience with men, especially the men that had a big influence in their lives.
"A common perception is for humans to believe that God is dogmatic, authoritarian, insensitive, and controlling."
She then tells a story of leading a woman through a visualization where she invites Christ to journey with the little girl self to find the place where the real God is.
"They came to a place where a very large and ominous being stood unapprochable and frightening. Little Maggie was afraid of this god. She was told to have little Maggie ask this big, scary god if he is the real god. She was reassured that he could not lie because Christ was there and would know if it was a lie. The big, scary god put is head down in shame and said, no...then the big, scary god pointed to a curtain behind him. Adult Maggie asked Christ to open the curtain. Behind Maggie's curtain, controlling the big, scary god was her dad. He walked out from behind the curtain a very scared and wounded man."
Both Big Maggie and Little Maggie understood that Dad's anger and control were a facade to protect his own wounded inner-child. He was escorted out to his own place of healing.
The fake god was then removed and they turned to Christ because he wanted to introduce them to someone special. There were 2 great lights coming from the distance. As the two wonderful personages drew closer, Maggie was told to notice how warm, safe, and comfortable she felt, and to let herself feel something she hadn't felt for a very long time, a warming of her soul.
"As the beings came to her, she began to recognize their energy. Ther were her Father and Mother in Heaven. They both gave her a hug and she felt grateful they had shown up as she welcomed them back into her life."
The adult Jeff knows the love of the Savior in his life. He knows the love of His Heavenly Parents. But the part of his mind that is playing a dominant role in his life right now is that of a 12 year old who is still very confused. I read this to him today to try and teach his younger self what his adult self already knows about the true nature of God, which is evident in the interview I had with him last night.
His younger self is trying hard to comprehend, but it seems there are layers and layers of old misbeliefs to get through. Jeff's healing is not just about his body overcoming disease, it is about healing his mind, and the beliefs that he has held about himself that are just not true. It is a journey he has been going through for a very long time. Many miracles have already taken place in his life as a result of him accepting the atoning power of Christ to help him heal.
But now it appears that it is time to go to the deeper parts, those parts he has kept hidden from himself for a long time. There is no judgement in this. We all have demons from our past that we try to keep at bay. But understanding who the real god is and inviting the cleansing power of Jesus Christ to continue to help us heal is a journey that only has the potential for joy.
I invite anyone who reads this post to accept an invitation to believe in the Real God. A God who loves you unconditionally, who only wants to help you experience all the joy that this world he created has to offer. In essence he want sto be your creation coach and stands by with all the powers of heaven to help. You just have to know what you want, be willing to ask, believe that it is possible, receive and recognize the help as it comes, and live your life in gratitude.
Sunday, October 22, 2006
Wisdom From Jeff
Last night after I finished posting I asked Jeff if he was ready for bed. He informed me that he didn't want to go to bed yet. So I told him what I had been doing and asked if he wanted me to read my blogs to him. He was aware of the blogsite, but I hate to admit this, but it had never occured to me to ask him if he wanted to be a part of what I am doing here or even know what I had written. He very much wanted to hear what I had written.
So I started with the first blog and just kept reading. He loved them. His eyes filled with tears at some of the sweet memories. He chuckled at my description of him sliding out of his chair. He listened intently to my feelings about the water and promised he would try to do better and not be so stubborn about it. Today has been much better.
So this evening I asked him if he would like to share some of the things he has learned with those who read these posts. He said that would be good. So I interviewed him. The following is pretty much word for word how our conversation went.
Chris: With everything you are experiencing right now, what is the hardest part?
Jeff: Not being with everybody
Chris: What has been the easiest part?
Jeff: Loving people and learning to be grateful for their kindness
Chris: What is the saddest part?
Jeff: Just not being there
Chris: What is the thing that brings you the most joy?
Jeff: My children
Chris: Is there anything you have learned from not being able to see?
Jeff: God still loves me
Chris: What about not being able to walk
Jeff: God still loves me
Chris: What about not being able to use your right arm?
Jeff: Its just an arm. My left arm works good too
Chris: What would you tell someone who is going through a really, really tough time?
Jeff: They are loved
Chris: How has God helped you?
Jeff: Gives me strength
Chris: Who loves you Jeff?
Jeff (with tears welling up) God, my children, my wife (grinning and adding, maybe), my mom, sister, and brother, and all the rest of my family, my friends, and good people everywhere who pray for me.
(Then he added this): I'm not sure they understand just how deep love can go. It is more than just helping someone walk. My heart is really, really big.
Chris: What do you miss the most:
Jeff: Being with others and serving them
Chris: What do you look forward to?
Jeff: Being with others and serving them. Seeing my children. (Jason and Charla will be here on Tuesday. Jeff is excited about that)
Chris: What ways do you know God has helped you?
Jeff: He is making you stronger and helps me feel peace.
We pray at night and ask Heavenly Father to help us get a good night's rest and I am sleeping better.
I have to admit the interview surprised me a little bit. I totally expected him to answer things like I miss my eyesight, or it is hardest to have to depend on others or I look forward to walking. But the most important things to Jeff all had to do with his relationship with others.
That is true wisdom.
I just read this to him and got his nod of approval. He wants everyone to learn how important love is.
Earlier we had a conversation about him wanting to be a good dad, but didn't know how he could like he is. But as we discussed it, I asked him how he can help his children the most. He decided maybe just by listening to them which is exactly what he would do if everything in his body was working correctly. Now he has an opportunity to listen without any interference. He has nothing but time and love to give. He is looking forward to doing so.
So I started with the first blog and just kept reading. He loved them. His eyes filled with tears at some of the sweet memories. He chuckled at my description of him sliding out of his chair. He listened intently to my feelings about the water and promised he would try to do better and not be so stubborn about it. Today has been much better.
So this evening I asked him if he would like to share some of the things he has learned with those who read these posts. He said that would be good. So I interviewed him. The following is pretty much word for word how our conversation went.
Chris: With everything you are experiencing right now, what is the hardest part?
Jeff: Not being with everybody
Chris: What has been the easiest part?
Jeff: Loving people and learning to be grateful for their kindness
Chris: What is the saddest part?
Jeff: Just not being there
Chris: What is the thing that brings you the most joy?
Jeff: My children
Chris: Is there anything you have learned from not being able to see?
Jeff: God still loves me
Chris: What about not being able to walk
Jeff: God still loves me
Chris: What about not being able to use your right arm?
Jeff: Its just an arm. My left arm works good too
Chris: What would you tell someone who is going through a really, really tough time?
Jeff: They are loved
Chris: How has God helped you?
Jeff: Gives me strength
Chris: Who loves you Jeff?
Jeff (with tears welling up) God, my children, my wife (grinning and adding, maybe), my mom, sister, and brother, and all the rest of my family, my friends, and good people everywhere who pray for me.
(Then he added this): I'm not sure they understand just how deep love can go. It is more than just helping someone walk. My heart is really, really big.
Chris: What do you miss the most:
Jeff: Being with others and serving them
Chris: What do you look forward to?
Jeff: Being with others and serving them. Seeing my children. (Jason and Charla will be here on Tuesday. Jeff is excited about that)
Chris: What ways do you know God has helped you?
Jeff: He is making you stronger and helps me feel peace.
We pray at night and ask Heavenly Father to help us get a good night's rest and I am sleeping better.
I have to admit the interview surprised me a little bit. I totally expected him to answer things like I miss my eyesight, or it is hardest to have to depend on others or I look forward to walking. But the most important things to Jeff all had to do with his relationship with others.
That is true wisdom.
I just read this to him and got his nod of approval. He wants everyone to learn how important love is.
Earlier we had a conversation about him wanting to be a good dad, but didn't know how he could like he is. But as we discussed it, I asked him how he can help his children the most. He decided maybe just by listening to them which is exactly what he would do if everything in his body was working correctly. Now he has an opportunity to listen without any interference. He has nothing but time and love to give. He is looking forward to doing so.
Saturday, October 21, 2006
The Worth of a Soul
Today I had a very interesting experience. It's a bit hard to explain without going into a lot of detail. But in short, I had some pretty ugly memories of the past surface. It has happened before, many times. For many years when I feel myself shrinking into past memories, it has alwasy been very healing for me to allow myself to feel the emotions and then let them go. Jeff has helped the process so much just by holding me and making me feel very safe to release whatever I need to release.
Today as I felt the familiar signs of feelings begin to surge I wasn't sure quite how to cope. Jeff was aware that something major was happening to me but could do nothing but sit in his chair and listen to me. He has gone through it with me before, but I think he felt a bit helpless to know how to help this time.
But he was anything but helpless. I did the only thing I knew to do. First of all I allowed myself to feel the emotions, used EFT to release the energy attached to the emotions, then I sat on his lap and let him hold me just as he has countless times before. He stroked my head with his good hand. He whispered into my ear that he was there and made me just feel safe in his arms. It was as comforting and healing as ever.
It made me realize how valuable Jeff's soul is and made me wonder why we sometimes think the only value we have as people is in what we do rather than in who we are. Sometimes people fill themselves full of guilt if they are not accomplishing something of value or being productive as if that is the measure of their worth. But what I know now, is Jeff's very presence is comforting to me and to others. It doesn't matter if he does nothing during his day except sit in his chair and brighten my life by his smile and his silly teasing me. He has value just in being.
The worth of a soul is great in the sight of God...and in my sight as well. It does not matter who we are or what we do for a living, or what kind of contribution we make. Just our presence on the earth matters to someone.
I am grateful for this opportunity to really clarify that in my own mind because I know that the worth of my soul is great too and that I have value in just being me too.
Now for today's little miracle and the update. Jeff slept the entire night last night without the aid of any kind of sleeping aids. This morning when I woke up, it was almost a startling experience and I immediately checked to see if he was still breathing. I gave a huge sigh of relief and just allowed myself to luxuriate in the feeling of getting a delicious night's sleep, one that was so needed.
As a result of getting that kind of sleep, Jeff was awake most of the day. He only took a couple of little cat naps so he was great company to me today and extremely helpful as I said earlier.
The other thing I noticed today that gives me real encouragement is that things seem more clear to him. He can tell that something has shifted in that respect too because he does know what is going on around him and understands most of it. It is the first time he has noticed any noticeable change in himself so that was a big plus.
We also made an agreement about the water and he was much more cooperative.
I am grateful.
Today as I felt the familiar signs of feelings begin to surge I wasn't sure quite how to cope. Jeff was aware that something major was happening to me but could do nothing but sit in his chair and listen to me. He has gone through it with me before, but I think he felt a bit helpless to know how to help this time.
But he was anything but helpless. I did the only thing I knew to do. First of all I allowed myself to feel the emotions, used EFT to release the energy attached to the emotions, then I sat on his lap and let him hold me just as he has countless times before. He stroked my head with his good hand. He whispered into my ear that he was there and made me just feel safe in his arms. It was as comforting and healing as ever.
It made me realize how valuable Jeff's soul is and made me wonder why we sometimes think the only value we have as people is in what we do rather than in who we are. Sometimes people fill themselves full of guilt if they are not accomplishing something of value or being productive as if that is the measure of their worth. But what I know now, is Jeff's very presence is comforting to me and to others. It doesn't matter if he does nothing during his day except sit in his chair and brighten my life by his smile and his silly teasing me. He has value just in being.
The worth of a soul is great in the sight of God...and in my sight as well. It does not matter who we are or what we do for a living, or what kind of contribution we make. Just our presence on the earth matters to someone.
I am grateful for this opportunity to really clarify that in my own mind because I know that the worth of my soul is great too and that I have value in just being me too.
Now for today's little miracle and the update. Jeff slept the entire night last night without the aid of any kind of sleeping aids. This morning when I woke up, it was almost a startling experience and I immediately checked to see if he was still breathing. I gave a huge sigh of relief and just allowed myself to luxuriate in the feeling of getting a delicious night's sleep, one that was so needed.
As a result of getting that kind of sleep, Jeff was awake most of the day. He only took a couple of little cat naps so he was great company to me today and extremely helpful as I said earlier.
The other thing I noticed today that gives me real encouragement is that things seem more clear to him. He can tell that something has shifted in that respect too because he does know what is going on around him and understands most of it. It is the first time he has noticed any noticeable change in himself so that was a big plus.
We also made an agreement about the water and he was much more cooperative.
I am grateful.
Friday, October 20, 2006
Appreciating the Small Things
Today we had an experience that helped me appreciate small things in life. Last week, we got Jeff a fancy lift type chair that makes it much easier on my back to get him up and down, but there are times he starts to slide out of the chair. Once he starts sliding, it is a bit tricky to get him back in a position where I can help him. We had such an incident this afternoon. We tried many different tactics only to find him getting closer and closer to the floor which is the worst possible scenario. It was pretty much like dead weight trying to lift him back up, but eventually we were able to work together to just sit him up so that we could move him into a better position. We were actually both laughing at the predicament we were in and when we were victorious, we rejoiced. It was then that I knew I needed to write about appreciating small things.
It is amazing to me how many things I have taken for granted before. Not because I meant to take them for granted, but because there was no real reason to be aware of them. Simple things I have done since childhood like walking and seeing, eating by myself and even taking a shower or relieving myself in privacy.
Right now Jeff seems to take it all in stride. I don't know if he is just adapting, or if he realizes that it doesn't help him heal to complain or feel sorry for himself.
He does go into a bit of depression sometimes, but that is only when he feels like he cannot serve others in the state he is in. What he doesn't realize is that anyone who is near him feels the sweetness of his spirit and is blessed just to be in his presence. There is just a calmness about his demeanor that helps everyone appreciate the little things in their own lives.
Last night he pulled quite a stunt on me. As I had written previously, I had given him something to help him sleep for 2 nights in a row. He did, but he also has slept for 2 days as well. So last night I opted not to give him something to help him sleep. Maybe I should have.
He woke up for the first time in a couple of days. Unfortunately it was 2:00 in the morning and definately not a time I wanted to be awake. I could hear him calling out for me and in my effort to help him, I reached out to calm him down and let him know I was there. But I kept falling back asleep. I woke up to him telling me he couldn't breathe, and that he needed me to help him. I checked his breathing and found he was just fine and begged him to please go back to sleep. Then he went into this whole routine about not knowing who I was, I could not be his wife because his wife would help him and not just sleep. By this time I was getting a clear message that he was playing with me and not really needing help so I just turned over and went back to sleep. About 5:00 he was still awake. This time he did ask for my help to go to the bathroom. After we got back into bed, I asked him if he had been playing a game with me. He admitted that he had just been bored and was doing everything he could think of to make me wake up.
That is just a glimpse of what it is like living with someone who has brain damage. In many ways it is like having a new baby all over again, except this one isn't quite as mobile and he talks back and is extremely honest, like telling me when I have bad breath and refusing to eat his vegatable. But doggone it he is cute and loveable. I told him today if I wasn't already in love with him...I would be now. He makes me laugh all the time.
As far as the water goes...well we tried. This is probably going to be something we will have to tap on (Emotional Freedom Technique)
We had a dear friend come over today who is a very talented energy therapist. She was able to go right to the core of many of the issues that Jeff has held on to for a very long time. I can tell that the work she did had a major effect on him because not once today did I hear him call out "what did I do, or why won't you help me?" He has also not said that he doesn't understand which is a major breakthrough as far as I am concerned. Before today, he has said that phraise probably 50 times a day.
I don't know what tomorrow will bring, but I plan on looking for and being grateful for the small things.
Chris
It is amazing to me how many things I have taken for granted before. Not because I meant to take them for granted, but because there was no real reason to be aware of them. Simple things I have done since childhood like walking and seeing, eating by myself and even taking a shower or relieving myself in privacy.
Right now Jeff seems to take it all in stride. I don't know if he is just adapting, or if he realizes that it doesn't help him heal to complain or feel sorry for himself.
He does go into a bit of depression sometimes, but that is only when he feels like he cannot serve others in the state he is in. What he doesn't realize is that anyone who is near him feels the sweetness of his spirit and is blessed just to be in his presence. There is just a calmness about his demeanor that helps everyone appreciate the little things in their own lives.
Last night he pulled quite a stunt on me. As I had written previously, I had given him something to help him sleep for 2 nights in a row. He did, but he also has slept for 2 days as well. So last night I opted not to give him something to help him sleep. Maybe I should have.
He woke up for the first time in a couple of days. Unfortunately it was 2:00 in the morning and definately not a time I wanted to be awake. I could hear him calling out for me and in my effort to help him, I reached out to calm him down and let him know I was there. But I kept falling back asleep. I woke up to him telling me he couldn't breathe, and that he needed me to help him. I checked his breathing and found he was just fine and begged him to please go back to sleep. Then he went into this whole routine about not knowing who I was, I could not be his wife because his wife would help him and not just sleep. By this time I was getting a clear message that he was playing with me and not really needing help so I just turned over and went back to sleep. About 5:00 he was still awake. This time he did ask for my help to go to the bathroom. After we got back into bed, I asked him if he had been playing a game with me. He admitted that he had just been bored and was doing everything he could think of to make me wake up.
That is just a glimpse of what it is like living with someone who has brain damage. In many ways it is like having a new baby all over again, except this one isn't quite as mobile and he talks back and is extremely honest, like telling me when I have bad breath and refusing to eat his vegatable. But doggone it he is cute and loveable. I told him today if I wasn't already in love with him...I would be now. He makes me laugh all the time.
As far as the water goes...well we tried. This is probably going to be something we will have to tap on (Emotional Freedom Technique)
We had a dear friend come over today who is a very talented energy therapist. She was able to go right to the core of many of the issues that Jeff has held on to for a very long time. I can tell that the work she did had a major effect on him because not once today did I hear him call out "what did I do, or why won't you help me?" He has also not said that he doesn't understand which is a major breakthrough as far as I am concerned. Before today, he has said that phraise probably 50 times a day.
I don't know what tomorrow will bring, but I plan on looking for and being grateful for the small things.
Chris
Thursday, October 19, 2006
Pointless Conversation
ok, so here is the blurb for the day. With all the possibilities of struggles I could be having with an invalid husband, my greatest one today had been just getting him to drink water. I have not been able to understand his sudden aversion to a liquid that before he was very adamant about.
We both know the importance of drinking plenty of pure water in order to keep our systems at their optimal level. For Jeff right now, it is pretty critical that he drinks plenty of water, but he has become downright stubborn about it. He told me it doesn't have any taste, so I put some lemon in it. Then he went through a whole routine of pretending he had drunk the water I gave him, when in fact he had not even touched it. We even went on an adventure today to Sonic so that he could have a fresh lime, which he barely touched. I have threatened him that if he doesn't drink more, he will end up back in the hospital with dehydration, but that didn't seem to phase him.
Now you have to understand, Jeff and I have never been ones to argue, and especially now, it is rather pointless to try to have this discussion with him. But it seems like the more I press about him drinking more water, the more he resists it. He has even gone to the point of trying to swallow his pills dry.
Tonight as I put him in bed, I begged him to please drink more water tomorrow. He finally fessed up that the reason he didn't want to drink water is because it makes him pee, and he knows it is hard on my back to take him to the bathroom. In his mind, not drinking water is his way of easing my burdens.
I told him I appreciated his sweet gesture, but tomorrow...HE WILL DRINK MORE WATER.
I will report on how we do.
So here is my thought for the night....When you are in the act of doing something kind for another person...check with them first to make sure that what you are doing is really kind for them....
We both know the importance of drinking plenty of pure water in order to keep our systems at their optimal level. For Jeff right now, it is pretty critical that he drinks plenty of water, but he has become downright stubborn about it. He told me it doesn't have any taste, so I put some lemon in it. Then he went through a whole routine of pretending he had drunk the water I gave him, when in fact he had not even touched it. We even went on an adventure today to Sonic so that he could have a fresh lime, which he barely touched. I have threatened him that if he doesn't drink more, he will end up back in the hospital with dehydration, but that didn't seem to phase him.
Now you have to understand, Jeff and I have never been ones to argue, and especially now, it is rather pointless to try to have this discussion with him. But it seems like the more I press about him drinking more water, the more he resists it. He has even gone to the point of trying to swallow his pills dry.
Tonight as I put him in bed, I begged him to please drink more water tomorrow. He finally fessed up that the reason he didn't want to drink water is because it makes him pee, and he knows it is hard on my back to take him to the bathroom. In his mind, not drinking water is his way of easing my burdens.
I told him I appreciated his sweet gesture, but tomorrow...HE WILL DRINK MORE WATER.
I will report on how we do.
So here is my thought for the night....When you are in the act of doing something kind for another person...check with them first to make sure that what you are doing is really kind for them....
Wednesday, October 18, 2006
Why Won't He Help?
It occurred to me last night that some people might read the things that I share here and get the impression that I am some type of super woman saint. That definately is not my purpose for writing out my thoughts in this type of format. Nor do I want this to be a format for pity parties so people will feel sorry for me. Mostly I write to help me remember what I have already learned and to keep my own perspective. If it helps others during their own difficult challenges, then my ramblings will have served a higher purpose.
Last night was one of those incredibly difficult evenings. Jeff has had a pattern of going into some type of almost trance type state every evening. I don't really know how to explain it except that his eyes are open, and he is talking, but not to me. Often times his conversations are heart wrenching pleas usually to God. The questions he asks over and over and over again are "what did I do wrong?" and "why won't you help me?"
Sometimes it is excruciating for me to listen to his cries because he cannot hear me, nor can I wake him out of his state. Last night, I couldn't take it any more and I finally escaped into my sanctuary of the jacuzzi. I have a monitor on that I can hear him when he is ready for me. I always know when that happens because he calls out my name and asks for my help. As I sat in the tub trying to block out his moans, I had a few pleas of my own.
Today we had many discussisons about those feelings of wondering where God is and why he isn't answering. There is a little boy part in Jeff that somehow sees God as a mean punishing God who is making him suffer because he was a naughty boy. That little boy thinks God is angry at him. There is another part of him that is pretty ticked off with God for putting him through all this. Mostly I just listened to my husband as he shared these feelings with me. Then we did some Emotional Freedom Technique www.emofree.com and helped release all the emotion that has been stored with these feelings. It is an amazing, wonderful tool that has made this whole situation so much easier. (You can find out more by going to emofree.com). Finally Jeff was able just to take responsibility for his own life and his own choices recognizing that he has indeed been the creator of his own life.
When he was able to accept that, his heart was open to the possibility that indeed God has been there all along and is helping us both . Our challenge is to see that help and acknowledge it in every part of our lives.
One way that I know God is helping me is something very simple but totally profound that happened very late last night. One thing that has been a pattern in our lives for most of our marriage is Jeff giving me blessings when I need extra strength or comfort. Last night I was so emotionally exhausted, when I crawled into bed, I just layed there and wept. When Jeff asked me why I was crying I told him I was just so tired. I asked him if he remembered giving me blessings in the past. He said "kind of" I told him how much I would love a blessing. He thought about it for a minute and then reached his good arm over to try and find my head. As he began, it was just a whisper, but then it was as if something else took over and as he spoke it was in a very strong, powerful, very adult voice. He blessed me with exactly the things I needed to hear. It was full of comfort and love and gratitude. I have received many blessings under the hand of my husband, but this was the sweetest ever because I could feel that he was just an instrument in the hands of my Father who wanted me to know that He knew me and was there to help me.
This morning when I made a comment about it to Jeff, he didn't remember anything about it except that I had been crying and then I stopped. He doesn't like it when I cry. But I have chosen not to hide my feelings from him. We need each other.
So what I am wondering is this. When in our anguish we cry out and ask "why won't you help me?" How do we know that he isn't? If we put paramaters on how that help is supposed to look, we might miss the bigger picture altogether. Just because there is no visible change in Jeff's condition, how do we know that there isn't major healing going on inside of him. Maybe before the physical healing can take place, the emotional and spiritual healing must happen first.
My suggestion to Jeff tonight was this. Rather than asking God why he isn't helping or where he is...maybe the better plea is "help me to recognize your help so that I can be grateful for it".
That is a good thing for me to remember too.
Last night was one of those incredibly difficult evenings. Jeff has had a pattern of going into some type of almost trance type state every evening. I don't really know how to explain it except that his eyes are open, and he is talking, but not to me. Often times his conversations are heart wrenching pleas usually to God. The questions he asks over and over and over again are "what did I do wrong?" and "why won't you help me?"
Sometimes it is excruciating for me to listen to his cries because he cannot hear me, nor can I wake him out of his state. Last night, I couldn't take it any more and I finally escaped into my sanctuary of the jacuzzi. I have a monitor on that I can hear him when he is ready for me. I always know when that happens because he calls out my name and asks for my help. As I sat in the tub trying to block out his moans, I had a few pleas of my own.
Today we had many discussisons about those feelings of wondering where God is and why he isn't answering. There is a little boy part in Jeff that somehow sees God as a mean punishing God who is making him suffer because he was a naughty boy. That little boy thinks God is angry at him. There is another part of him that is pretty ticked off with God for putting him through all this. Mostly I just listened to my husband as he shared these feelings with me. Then we did some Emotional Freedom Technique www.emofree.com and helped release all the emotion that has been stored with these feelings. It is an amazing, wonderful tool that has made this whole situation so much easier. (You can find out more by going to emofree.com). Finally Jeff was able just to take responsibility for his own life and his own choices recognizing that he has indeed been the creator of his own life.
When he was able to accept that, his heart was open to the possibility that indeed God has been there all along and is helping us both . Our challenge is to see that help and acknowledge it in every part of our lives.
One way that I know God is helping me is something very simple but totally profound that happened very late last night. One thing that has been a pattern in our lives for most of our marriage is Jeff giving me blessings when I need extra strength or comfort. Last night I was so emotionally exhausted, when I crawled into bed, I just layed there and wept. When Jeff asked me why I was crying I told him I was just so tired. I asked him if he remembered giving me blessings in the past. He said "kind of" I told him how much I would love a blessing. He thought about it for a minute and then reached his good arm over to try and find my head. As he began, it was just a whisper, but then it was as if something else took over and as he spoke it was in a very strong, powerful, very adult voice. He blessed me with exactly the things I needed to hear. It was full of comfort and love and gratitude. I have received many blessings under the hand of my husband, but this was the sweetest ever because I could feel that he was just an instrument in the hands of my Father who wanted me to know that He knew me and was there to help me.
This morning when I made a comment about it to Jeff, he didn't remember anything about it except that I had been crying and then I stopped. He doesn't like it when I cry. But I have chosen not to hide my feelings from him. We need each other.
So what I am wondering is this. When in our anguish we cry out and ask "why won't you help me?" How do we know that he isn't? If we put paramaters on how that help is supposed to look, we might miss the bigger picture altogether. Just because there is no visible change in Jeff's condition, how do we know that there isn't major healing going on inside of him. Maybe before the physical healing can take place, the emotional and spiritual healing must happen first.
My suggestion to Jeff tonight was this. Rather than asking God why he isn't helping or where he is...maybe the better plea is "help me to recognize your help so that I can be grateful for it".
That is a good thing for me to remember too.
Tuesday, October 17, 2006
I Heard Him Come
Today has been one of those “different” days. When we went to the doctor yesterday I told him about the problems Jeff has sleeping. Typically he thrashes for at least 2 hours before falling into a restless sleep. As you can imagine, it makes it a little tough for me to get any sleep as well. So the Dr gave us something to try to help him sleep. It worked. In fact, the only time Jeff woke up today was to eat a little bit, go to the bathroom and then fall back to sleep. I suppose I ought to be worried, but I know how sleeping medicine affects him, so I decided just to take advantage of the quiet time and get some things done.
We had a sweet experience on Sunday that I wanted to share on this blog. We were eating breakfast and listening to KZION on the internet. It had beautiful Sabbath day music which is very calming. Suddenly Jeff stopped eating and cocked his head to hear the music. The song that was playing was “I Heard Him Come” It is a familiar song to us, one we have heard countless times, but this time it took on all new meaning for my sweet husband.
Lyrics to I Heard Him Come
I heard him comeI saw his very face
I wondered whoWould come into this place
Where dead men walk
And where the dying talkOf life before
The curse upon them came.
He looked on me;
He must have felt my gaze
He came toward me, Through the crowded maze,
And I a leper in shame, hid my head
Till someone said, Jesus, is his name
And he said, Nations fall behind him
The rivers crawl to find him.
Mountains move Just to let him through.
Come and never leave him
Just let your heart believe him.
And never let his light go
Never let your love grow dim.
He fed a thousand
With one loaf of bread
I saw him raise A child from the dead
He healed the sick
The blind man saw his eyes
The lame man stood
And joyous were his cries
I saw his pain
As they nailed him to a cross
I Wish that we Could understand the cause
He looked on me As he had once before
Saying, Teach my word To all forever more
And I'll say:Nations fall behind him
The rivers crawl to find him
Mountains move Just to let him through
Come and never leave him
Just believe
And never let his light go
Never let your light grow dim
Jeff listened intently to the words and then began to just sob.
Understanding what he was experiencing, I took him over to the couch and cradled him like a baby and just let his tears flow. It broke my heart to feel the depth of his longing as the words of the song took on totally new meaning.
I could feel his agony of being a prisoner in his own in body and remembering what it was like before the “curse upon him came” I could also sense his longing to feel the Saviors hands on his head and bless him to receive his sight again. He understood the joyous cries of the lame man who could walk again. But mostly I think he remembered the joy he felt in sharing the Savior’s message of love and wished he was still able to teach His words.
Other songs came on…”Let Him Heal Your Heart”, “I Walked Today Where Jesus Walked”, “I Wonder When He Comes Again”. With each song of the Savior, Jeff’s heart got calmer and calmer. I could literally feel him accepting the Lord’s invitation to make him whole again including the timing. I held him for at least 2 hours. It didn’t matter that my legs were cramping and that I really needed to go to the bathroom. I felt like I was somehow a witness to something sacred that was happening and I could not bring myself to end it prematurely.
Later on when we visited about the experience, Jeff told me he did not know what made him cry, only that Jesus helped him feel better. I asked him if he remembered a night a long time ago when I cried out in my own pain and sorrow begging the Savior to ease my burdens and put his loving arms around me for just a little bit. Back then, Jeff in his wisdom listened to my desire and told me that the time would come when I would feel the literal arms of the Savior around me, but for the time being he would offer his own arms in representation of the Savior’s arms. He told me he would hold me as long as I needed to be held. I took him up on the offer and my grieving heart was calmed.
Somehow Jeff did remember that night so long ago and told me it was now my turn. He then thanked me for putting my arms around him and letting him feel the Savior’s love for him through my love.
Sometimes circumstances are incredibly challenging, but loving is easy. I encourage anyone who reads this to choose love. Find someone who needs to feel the Savior’s arms around them and embrace them without judgment, criticism, or pity. If you need to, look into the mirror and invite the pure love of Christ to wash through you and fill your own heart with peace. It is one of the most powerful healing gifts available to all.
It might not change the reality of very challenging circumstances, but it will give you the strength to press forward one more day.
Thanks for reading my ramblings.
Chris
We had a sweet experience on Sunday that I wanted to share on this blog. We were eating breakfast and listening to KZION on the internet. It had beautiful Sabbath day music which is very calming. Suddenly Jeff stopped eating and cocked his head to hear the music. The song that was playing was “I Heard Him Come” It is a familiar song to us, one we have heard countless times, but this time it took on all new meaning for my sweet husband.
Lyrics to I Heard Him Come
I heard him comeI saw his very face
I wondered whoWould come into this place
Where dead men walk
And where the dying talkOf life before
The curse upon them came.
He looked on me;
He must have felt my gaze
He came toward me, Through the crowded maze,
And I a leper in shame, hid my head
Till someone said, Jesus, is his name
And he said, Nations fall behind him
The rivers crawl to find him.
Mountains move Just to let him through.
Come and never leave him
Just let your heart believe him.
And never let his light go
Never let your love grow dim.
He fed a thousand
With one loaf of bread
I saw him raise A child from the dead
He healed the sick
The blind man saw his eyes
The lame man stood
And joyous were his cries
I saw his pain
As they nailed him to a cross
I Wish that we Could understand the cause
He looked on me As he had once before
Saying, Teach my word To all forever more
And I'll say:Nations fall behind him
The rivers crawl to find him
Mountains move Just to let him through
Come and never leave him
Just believe
And never let his light go
Never let your light grow dim
Jeff listened intently to the words and then began to just sob.
Understanding what he was experiencing, I took him over to the couch and cradled him like a baby and just let his tears flow. It broke my heart to feel the depth of his longing as the words of the song took on totally new meaning.
I could feel his agony of being a prisoner in his own in body and remembering what it was like before the “curse upon him came” I could also sense his longing to feel the Saviors hands on his head and bless him to receive his sight again. He understood the joyous cries of the lame man who could walk again. But mostly I think he remembered the joy he felt in sharing the Savior’s message of love and wished he was still able to teach His words.
Other songs came on…”Let Him Heal Your Heart”, “I Walked Today Where Jesus Walked”, “I Wonder When He Comes Again”. With each song of the Savior, Jeff’s heart got calmer and calmer. I could literally feel him accepting the Lord’s invitation to make him whole again including the timing. I held him for at least 2 hours. It didn’t matter that my legs were cramping and that I really needed to go to the bathroom. I felt like I was somehow a witness to something sacred that was happening and I could not bring myself to end it prematurely.
Later on when we visited about the experience, Jeff told me he did not know what made him cry, only that Jesus helped him feel better. I asked him if he remembered a night a long time ago when I cried out in my own pain and sorrow begging the Savior to ease my burdens and put his loving arms around me for just a little bit. Back then, Jeff in his wisdom listened to my desire and told me that the time would come when I would feel the literal arms of the Savior around me, but for the time being he would offer his own arms in representation of the Savior’s arms. He told me he would hold me as long as I needed to be held. I took him up on the offer and my grieving heart was calmed.
Somehow Jeff did remember that night so long ago and told me it was now my turn. He then thanked me for putting my arms around him and letting him feel the Savior’s love for him through my love.
Sometimes circumstances are incredibly challenging, but loving is easy. I encourage anyone who reads this to choose love. Find someone who needs to feel the Savior’s arms around them and embrace them without judgment, criticism, or pity. If you need to, look into the mirror and invite the pure love of Christ to wash through you and fill your own heart with peace. It is one of the most powerful healing gifts available to all.
It might not change the reality of very challenging circumstances, but it will give you the strength to press forward one more day.
Thanks for reading my ramblings.
Chris
Monday, October 16, 2006
An inviation to join in miracle making
This email is being sent as a thank you for joining us in our day of fasting and prayer on behalf of my husband, Jeff Dietzel. He is an incredible man of faith and determination that has been an influence for good to countless people. Anyone who knows him, loves him, admires him and appreciates his kind heart.
Recently he began having symptoms that mimicked a stroke. The symptoms were minor at first, but 3 weeks ago, he lost the feeling on his right side. When I took him to the hospital, they did another MRI and said that he had had another stroke. But on further investigation, it was learned that he had not had strokes, but was instead suffering from an infection that has cauused lesions on his brain. It is a very rare disease, but then Jeff is a pretty rare kind of guy.
A few years ago, this type of complication would always lead to death. With the new drugs that are now available, the infection can be stopped and the body and brain can heal itself and full recovery is a viable possibility.We asked our friends and family, and anyone else who wished to join us in this day of fasting and prayer. Recently my mother-in-law gave me a little book to read by Norman Vincent Peale called Expect a Miracle-Make Miracles Happen. His message is that if you keep your eyes open expectantly every day for great and wonderful things to happen, then astonishingly great and wonderful things will happen. The only way to expect and cause miracles to happen is to have a tremendous faith, a deep faith, one that is so positively strong that is rises above doubt. If you train yourself to have faith in depth, it will release an astonishing power in your life to produce miracles.
Gordan B Hinckley, president of the LDS church recently said this: “Faith is the wellspring of activity. It is the root of hope and trust. It is this simple faith that all of us so much need.” I believe in miracles and that God is a still God of miracles. With Him, nothing in impossible. We don’t need to put parameters on how miracles will show up and what they will look like, only believe that they are possible.
I believe that every experience we have is an opportunity to learn to create joy. The last few weeks with my husband have been some of the sweetest times we have ever spent together. He cannot see, he cannot walk, he does not have use of his right arm or right leg…but his spirit is fully in tact, as is his sense of humor and his faith. As far as I am concerned, he is whole. His only desire is that he be allowed to finish his work on the earth and continue to be an instrument for good in the Lord’s hands. Thank you for joining your faith and prayers with ours as we look for and expect miracles to happen.
Please pass this on to anyone you feel would like to add their faith to ours. I have created a blog site to keep people posted on his progress. You can view that at http://miracleswithjeff.blogspot.com/
As for me, I am not afraid. Years ago, I made a choice to put my trust in the Lord and acknowledge him in all things. Since that day, I have only had a few moments of anxiety (which is a miracle in and of itself ). Mostly I am filled with the peace that passeth all understanding, because it doesn’t make any sense. It is a gift from loving Heavenly Father who knows me and strengthens me to face any challenge with joy and hope. May he fill each of you with that same peace. Thank you for caring about us enough to unite your faith with ours.
Much love, Chris Dietzel
Recently he began having symptoms that mimicked a stroke. The symptoms were minor at first, but 3 weeks ago, he lost the feeling on his right side. When I took him to the hospital, they did another MRI and said that he had had another stroke. But on further investigation, it was learned that he had not had strokes, but was instead suffering from an infection that has cauused lesions on his brain. It is a very rare disease, but then Jeff is a pretty rare kind of guy.
A few years ago, this type of complication would always lead to death. With the new drugs that are now available, the infection can be stopped and the body and brain can heal itself and full recovery is a viable possibility.We asked our friends and family, and anyone else who wished to join us in this day of fasting and prayer. Recently my mother-in-law gave me a little book to read by Norman Vincent Peale called Expect a Miracle-Make Miracles Happen. His message is that if you keep your eyes open expectantly every day for great and wonderful things to happen, then astonishingly great and wonderful things will happen. The only way to expect and cause miracles to happen is to have a tremendous faith, a deep faith, one that is so positively strong that is rises above doubt. If you train yourself to have faith in depth, it will release an astonishing power in your life to produce miracles.
Gordan B Hinckley, president of the LDS church recently said this: “Faith is the wellspring of activity. It is the root of hope and trust. It is this simple faith that all of us so much need.” I believe in miracles and that God is a still God of miracles. With Him, nothing in impossible. We don’t need to put parameters on how miracles will show up and what they will look like, only believe that they are possible.
I believe that every experience we have is an opportunity to learn to create joy. The last few weeks with my husband have been some of the sweetest times we have ever spent together. He cannot see, he cannot walk, he does not have use of his right arm or right leg…but his spirit is fully in tact, as is his sense of humor and his faith. As far as I am concerned, he is whole. His only desire is that he be allowed to finish his work on the earth and continue to be an instrument for good in the Lord’s hands. Thank you for joining your faith and prayers with ours as we look for and expect miracles to happen.
Please pass this on to anyone you feel would like to add their faith to ours. I have created a blog site to keep people posted on his progress. You can view that at http://miracleswithjeff.blogspot.com/
As for me, I am not afraid. Years ago, I made a choice to put my trust in the Lord and acknowledge him in all things. Since that day, I have only had a few moments of anxiety (which is a miracle in and of itself ). Mostly I am filled with the peace that passeth all understanding, because it doesn’t make any sense. It is a gift from loving Heavenly Father who knows me and strengthens me to face any challenge with joy and hope. May he fill each of you with that same peace. Thank you for caring about us enough to unite your faith with ours.
Much love, Chris Dietzel
Thanks for the Prayers
First off, Jeff is doing ok. I have not noticed any signs of more progression of the disease, but so far, there has not been any noticeable change in healing either. Every morning when we wake up, Jeff is confused about why he can't see and asks me if this will be the day he will be able to see again. I have to remind him often that we don't know what the Lord's timetable is. Yesterday Jeff said that it is easy to say "Thy will be done" not so easy to say "Thy time be ok too"
Each day brings new challenges and opportunities to strengthen our faith and for me to practice cheerfulness in spite of burdens that might take awhile to be overcome.
I have created another post of the email I sent out. In it I talked about expecting miracles.
Let me share just a few miracles with you in response to that plea.
The response has been overwhelming. Missy Novak from Florida called to tell me the Florida wagons were circling and she was contacting many of our dear friends who were no longer in Florida.
The LDS Church in Spokane responded likewise with an outpouring of love and support.
Many of the friends that I have met in my business ventures over the last year likewise responded with the sweetest support and love.
Our children all joined s in fasting and prayer and invited all of their friends to join us as well. Oh how we love the friends of our children. We consider them to be our children too.
When I went and picked up Jeff's things from work, I was told that many in that company who are proud to be self-proclaimed athiests joined us in a day of fasting and prayer. That was a miracle in and of itself.
I was able to take Jeff to Sacrament Meeting last Sunday. It was a miracle just for me to get him showered and dressed...but it only shows how many ways I have strengthened over the last few weeks.
One of the first things that happened was that our bishop invited me to the front to receive our release papers. We have been serving a mission for the LDS church for the last 2 1/2 years in the addiction recovery program. For those of you who know a little bit about our story, that in and of itself is a miracle. (Not that we were released, but that we were able to serve faithfully and learned to love so many others who are now going through trials very similar to ones one have faced in the past.)
We have had many callings in the church in our lives, but never have we loved serving to such a degree. Receiving the official release brought overwhelming feelings of sadness and absolute joy.
The Sacrament Song on that particular day was "I Stand All Amazed" It was one of those tender mercies of the Lord for those particular words to be able to penetrate my husband's somewhat scrambled mind. He sat in his wheelchair and wept without even comprehending why. His spirit knew and felt the love.
I was able to bear testimony to my belief in the power of miracles. I do not need to define how those miracles will look. I only choose to see them in every aspect of our lives and I do. Each post I will share with you little miracles I experience because I absolutely expect them to happen.
I do not know what the future holds for us. Right now I am just enjoying the very intimate one on one time I am able to spend with my husband. He has become very childlike and sweet. Sometimes he comprehends what is going on. Most times he is very confused, but tries so hard to make sense of things. We have gained a whole new understanding of what it means to be "at one" in our marriage. I am grateful for all the opportunities I have had in the past to make decisions about what I am willing to sacrifice to create an eternal marriage.
As time goes on, I will share many insights I have gained on marriage, life, death, learning to create joy by letting go of the past, forgiveness, and finding humor in the most dire circumstances. Jeff has informed me when he can see again and use the computer he is going to publish his own book about how to survive your stay in the hospital. His title is "Dead Men Don't Need to Pee". I will let your imagination figure out how that title came about.
That's it for this first post. I will try to keep them brief, although those who know me well, know that once I start writing it is hard for me to stop. But this has been a dream of mine for a very long time. Like I have said before, we are just very ordinary people who have been given some extraordinary opportunities to learn. If in my sharing our learning steps with you, you can find peace in your own lives, I will feel like perhaps our experiences will have added value.
Chris Dietzel,
very new resident to Boise, Idaho (that will be another post for another day)
Each day brings new challenges and opportunities to strengthen our faith and for me to practice cheerfulness in spite of burdens that might take awhile to be overcome.
I have created another post of the email I sent out. In it I talked about expecting miracles.
Let me share just a few miracles with you in response to that plea.
The response has been overwhelming. Missy Novak from Florida called to tell me the Florida wagons were circling and she was contacting many of our dear friends who were no longer in Florida.
The LDS Church in Spokane responded likewise with an outpouring of love and support.
Many of the friends that I have met in my business ventures over the last year likewise responded with the sweetest support and love.
Our children all joined s in fasting and prayer and invited all of their friends to join us as well. Oh how we love the friends of our children. We consider them to be our children too.
When I went and picked up Jeff's things from work, I was told that many in that company who are proud to be self-proclaimed athiests joined us in a day of fasting and prayer. That was a miracle in and of itself.
I was able to take Jeff to Sacrament Meeting last Sunday. It was a miracle just for me to get him showered and dressed...but it only shows how many ways I have strengthened over the last few weeks.
One of the first things that happened was that our bishop invited me to the front to receive our release papers. We have been serving a mission for the LDS church for the last 2 1/2 years in the addiction recovery program. For those of you who know a little bit about our story, that in and of itself is a miracle. (Not that we were released, but that we were able to serve faithfully and learned to love so many others who are now going through trials very similar to ones one have faced in the past.)
We have had many callings in the church in our lives, but never have we loved serving to such a degree. Receiving the official release brought overwhelming feelings of sadness and absolute joy.
The Sacrament Song on that particular day was "I Stand All Amazed" It was one of those tender mercies of the Lord for those particular words to be able to penetrate my husband's somewhat scrambled mind. He sat in his wheelchair and wept without even comprehending why. His spirit knew and felt the love.
I was able to bear testimony to my belief in the power of miracles. I do not need to define how those miracles will look. I only choose to see them in every aspect of our lives and I do. Each post I will share with you little miracles I experience because I absolutely expect them to happen.
I do not know what the future holds for us. Right now I am just enjoying the very intimate one on one time I am able to spend with my husband. He has become very childlike and sweet. Sometimes he comprehends what is going on. Most times he is very confused, but tries so hard to make sense of things. We have gained a whole new understanding of what it means to be "at one" in our marriage. I am grateful for all the opportunities I have had in the past to make decisions about what I am willing to sacrifice to create an eternal marriage.
As time goes on, I will share many insights I have gained on marriage, life, death, learning to create joy by letting go of the past, forgiveness, and finding humor in the most dire circumstances. Jeff has informed me when he can see again and use the computer he is going to publish his own book about how to survive your stay in the hospital. His title is "Dead Men Don't Need to Pee". I will let your imagination figure out how that title came about.
That's it for this first post. I will try to keep them brief, although those who know me well, know that once I start writing it is hard for me to stop. But this has been a dream of mine for a very long time. Like I have said before, we are just very ordinary people who have been given some extraordinary opportunities to learn. If in my sharing our learning steps with you, you can find peace in your own lives, I will feel like perhaps our experiences will have added value.
Chris Dietzel,
very new resident to Boise, Idaho (that will be another post for another day)
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